Don't Look Back

[bluidkiti]

It's a good idea to look in the rear-view mirror once in awhile; just don't stare…

I know of one thing that can plague me the most in my recovery: my past. From when I had 2 months, or one year, or until I sat down with my sponsor and worked my 5th Step, or as I pray to the God of my understanding to remove a character defect, or make an amends, and even to this day. I can think about the things I did in my day-to-day active addiction, mentally revisit a few particularly bad experiences, remember that last fix, pill and/or drink, any of which can end up in an emotional whirlwind of self-hatred, and loathing towards life in general.

The longer I stare in the rear-view mirror of my past, the more disgusted I become with the person I created, and how I can react to the world around me. And the longer I stare, the greater my chances are of returning to my old thought patterns and coping mechanisms, whether or not the thoughts of using even comes into my mind. And if I keep staring– which I discovered through many bitter tears – the greater my chance of relapse.

The thing is, I still need to have that occasional reminder of my past, usually through newcomers at meetings, so that I don't return to that person today. I still need to see that look of desperation in their eyes, see their shaking hands, and hear their quavering voice, if they even share at all. But I don't have to stare at the rear-view mirror of my life through them any longer; I can look forward through the windshield of my life as it is today.

I have Steps to walk, spiritual principles to apply, prayer and meditation, and a life I need to share with others in and outside of recovery each day. Through these things I can replace the life of my past with a new life today. And that newcomer who I need to see is also the person I need to talk with. I need to let them know the hope I have in my life today because I surrendered to win. I need to let them know that I can trust again and have faith in the NA program. I need to let them see for themselves how the Steps work in my life. And most importantly, I need to let them know how a Higher Power works in my life, so long as I let Him.

Now, today I can let the God of my understanding work through me – in whatever way He wants, and through whomever He chooses - and leave the results up to Him. I can remember the past, but I no longer have to live in that life. I can follow the suggestions of the NA program and Fellowship, and live today.

Am I willing to quit staring in the rear-view mirror and live my life today?

written by a recovering addict
Joey from PA