Step Nine

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About Step 9

"The more difficult an amends is to make, the more negative you may feel toward the person to whom you go to make amends - and the more rewarding the aftermath. There's a spiritual dynamic here that is very powerful. Jesus spoke of it when he told his disciples "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your father who is in heaven" [Matt 5:44-45] What does loving them mean? It doesn't mean you have to "like" them, have warm feelings about them. Love for the Hebrew was an action word that seems to have involved moving into another's life space in goodwill, caring. In making amends you may have to go with the bit in your teeth, yet in a helpful and forgiving spirit. Anything the person has done to you, you are willing to forgive (or willing to be made willing)." [J. Keith Miller, A Hunger for Healing, Harper, 1991]

"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen - we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone." [Anonymous, Big Book, A.A. World Services, 1939]

"For our continued recovery and spiritual well-being, our making amends must in no way be contingent upon the other person's response (except when to do so would injure him or her). We must overlook the perceived injustices we have experienced as well as see beyond the innumerable rationalizations we conceive to avoid this step. We must shatter every excuse that hinders the taking of this vital step in the path of recovery. What matters here is not what we are owed, but rather what we owe! Though we cannot control how our efforts at amends will be received by another, this step of restoration remains life or death to us; we must pay our pound though owed a million." [Martin M. Davis, The Gospel and the Twelve Steps, RPI Publications Inc., 1993]
Step 9: Related Biblical Themes

* Direct amends. Making amends is a spiritual discipline with a long history. Remember what Jesus said about making amends?

"If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." [Matt 5:223-24]

This text suggests that Jesus understood making amends to have a kind of logical priority over any kind of formal worship. He is picking up a theme emphasized repeatedly in the Old Testament:

"To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice." [Proverbs 21:3]

The reason that making amends is so important is that God is a God of Justice. When we do justice, we honor God. That is why making amends comes first. However important we may think worship or other parts of the Christian life may be, they can't be done properly if we have done damage and we have not made amends. If we haven't made amends, Jesus says, the thing to do is to postpone worship until we've done what needs to be done.

Amends can involve a lot of things - from a simple apology to full restitution. The use of restitution as an element of justice is clearly seen in Numbers 5:5-7:

"When a man or woman wrongs another in any way and so is unfaithful to the Lord, that person is guilty and must confess the sin he has committed. He must make full restitution for his wrong, add one fifth to it, and give it all to the person he has wronged."

Making amends may or may not lead to reconciliation. It may or may not lead to continued relationship. We are not in charge of what it leads to. Having become willing to make amends, we are to honor God by doing whatever justice can be done under the circumstances.

Because Step Nine is just a demanding and frightening step for many people, it is important to remind ourselves that it leads to a significant reward. In discussing Step Nine, the Big Book of A.A. includes a set of promises which communicate clearly the hopefulness and serenity that can come from making amends:

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves." [Anonymous, Big Book, A.A. World Services, 1939]

* Wherever possible What if direct amends are not possible? What if a person we harmed is dead, has moved away, or is unavailable to us? It doesn't mean we do nothing. Sometimes we can make 'indirect' amends. This stage of the journey deserves creative effort. With diligence we can find a way to work towards justice. God has a long history of taking situations like this and helping his people find ways to do justice and blessing.

* Except when to do so would injure them or others. We have become willing to make amends to people we have harmed. But, before we do so, we must ask ourselves if making amends will cause additional injury. This part of Step Nine serves a very important role in the recovery process. It forces us to pay attention to how other people are likely to experience us. It forces us to develop empathy - a quality that was singularly lacking at the time we harmed others. The principle is clearly a biblical one:

"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." [Philippians 2:4]
http://www.christianrecovery.com/tfr/dox/stepnine.htm

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Step 9

Step Nine- Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Matthew 5:23-24 (The Message) This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

In Step Eight, we made a list of all the people we have harmed and asked God to make us willing to make amends with them. Step Eight prepares us for Step Nine. I want to remind all of you, at this point, that these steps cannot be taken out of order. Each step builds upon the previous one. Just reading Step Nine terrifies me to the point of saying, "well, I am finished with these steps." Hang in here with me, and remember we are on a journey. It's a long trip, not a short jaunt to the corner store.

The above passage is the only one that I can find where God tell us to leave worship before giving our offering. Making amends with others must be very important to God. I believe the passage is implying that if we have problems with others, then we will have problems with our relationship with God. If I am full of guilt from my past, or bundled up in a cocoon of anger against someone, then I have walls between God and myself.

Step Nine must be taken with the utmost care, wisdom, prudence and prayerful guidance of timing and words. It is a must, at this point, to have a trusted friend, a seasoned Christian -- and even better -- a person that has been through Step Nine himself or herself. This accountability partner or sponsor will hopefully prevent you from making some critical mistakes, and will help you make these direct amends in the most appropriate way, which will injure neither the person you are seeking to make amends with nor others.

Don't expect the other person to accept your offer of making the amends. Some will accept your offer and embrace you with compassion and forgiveness; others will reject you and send you away. Be prepared to accept both forgiveness and rejection. Take them both with humility. Give them both to God.

If the person does forgive you, handle with care! Forgiveness, for some of us, is just as hard to accept as rejection.

You will also be very wise to avoid an "holier-than-thou" attitude toward others. All God asks us to do is to attempt to be reconciled with others. Then we must let go and turn the situation over to God.

The most obvious people on your list are family members. Go to them first, and ask their forgiveness for the wrongs you have committed against them. Tell them you are working on your life by turning your will over to God. The key is to go slowly. Do not overwhelm others; just let them know you are working on yourself.

We never want to attempt to make amends when it will harm or injure another person. Sexual sins are the most frequent sin in which amends cannot practically be made. You may feel guilty about having an affair with another man's wife, but it would most likely destroy their marriage if you went to his wife or him, asking for forgiveness. Old flames are probably not to be tracked down, even if there's no harm to be done to the other person. With the impulse to make amends to old flames, it is imperative to check one's motive. Never make amends at someone else's expense. Never.

What about people that we can no longer be in contact with? Perhaps the person has died or moved away. I have written many letters that wound up in my paper shredder. But the process of writing the letter had a great healing effect. Writing out your confession and asking forgiveness brings you from the point of denial about your problem, to the realization that you were the problem or at least a part of the problem.

Make amends with yourself. Honestly try to forgive yourself for the harm you have caused to yourself. Often our sin disease harms us more than others. Be willing to forgive yourself, to accept your forgiveness and to accept the forgiveness that God will give you.

Is Step Nine easy? No way. I will emphasize, once again, the importance of handling Step Nine with the utmost prudence.

John 3:11 (NLT) This is the message we have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.



Father, protect us from ourselves, and give us your strength, courage and wisdom to make amends with those we have harmed. Help us to avoid lying to ourselves, and help us to be completely honest in our assessment of our past. Father, forgive us for our sins, and surround our hearts with your love and power. In Christ's name, Amen.
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/wolfpakron/12Steps-9.html

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9. Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Give everyone what you owe him; if you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect if honor. then honor. Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellow man has fulfilled the law. (Rom 13;7-8) Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right you are blessed. (1 Pet 3:13)

Study: Eze 33: 14-15; Rom 13; 7,8; Prov 25: 21-22; 1 Pet 3:13; Math 25:40.

http://www.alcoholicsforchrist.com/sa.htm