Control

[MajestyJo]

This is one of the 'C' words that qualifies me for CA.

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It was an illusion I had for many years. When I look back at it, I can see how distructive it was to me and those around me. I thought I was in control, I thought I had the control, and I thought that by controlling people, places and things around me, that 'my' world would be better and safer! What a lot of tommy rot!

War is the unfolding of miscalulations. - Barbara Tuchman

It isn't the mis- that is the problem, it is the calculation, No matter what way I look at it, in today, it was a part of my spiritual sickness.

It is not spiritual to take someone else's inventory and think that I am better than they are and therefore better qualified to run their life.

It is not spiritual to take someone else's inventory and by manipulation and calculation try to control this person so they will become my personal robot and do what I want to do. That someone has a Higher Power, and I am not it. I tended to forget this.

My second husband always use to say, "It doesn't matter what I say, you go ahead and do what you want to do, you and your son! You don't care about me at all!" The truth of it is that he was right. I was in that marriage for all the wrong reasons. Looking for a father for my son, looking for someone who will take care of me or I could take care of them. It was more that I could fix him, because he was the one with the problem not me. Yeah right! I was looking for someone to pay the bills, and a lover, but no restrictions on my movements, but heaven help him if he did something without me. Nasty, you bet!

My disease as a caretaking, controlling co-dependent person who couldn't live with them and couldn't live without them. I was sicker than him when I look back at it now. He had a drinking problem, but I had the thinking problem and the drinking problem, along with the drug problem, the sex addict, the relationship junkie, and all those other nice things that make up a person who is codependent. Who thinks herself Ms. Perfect, Ms Invincible, Ms. Independent, Ms. Indispensible and Ms. Know-It-All.

If I look at you and fix you, then I don't have to look at me. If you just do what I say, my life will be wonderful and yours will be too! If you do this or that, then you will make me happy. If I am happy I will rewad you and if you don't, then you will be sorry, I'll....."

Not a very nice picture! Not one I wanted to look at, but in order to recover and heal, I had to get honest.

When I came into recovery, they had the nerve to tell me that my husband wasn't responsible for my happiness. That I had to find it within myself. How could I when I didn't know myself. I have been looking for years, and he was as close as I had come to what "I" wanted. The selfish self-centeredness of my disease. Who me? No never! I am just a nice church going, hard work career woman, homemaker, and just the perfect housewife. I have made this perfect little world and if everyone would just live up to my expectation, then I will accept them or tolerate their presence as long as they don't mess up my space.

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To participate in our lives does not mean that we control our lives. Not to control our lives does not mean that we are passive. - Anne Wilson Schaef

For so many years, I was looked on as "the strong one" and it was so difficult to be always 'up' for every occasion I thought I was needed. A long time ago, I realize that it would be nice to have someone, put their arms around me and say, "It will be okay, you are not alone." All my life I was told I was responsible, and I took on the responsibilities of all those around me. No wonder I was always tired. A false sense of security and responsibility kept me sick for many years, and it was such a blessing to be able to let the burdens go that I had carried for so many years. The guilt and the shame of not being able to measure up to mine and other peoples standards.

When I look at my life today, I realize I never had it so good. Thank God for the rooms of recovery.