Wisdom For Today - November

[bluidkiti]

November 16

Wisdom for Today

So the next question was an easy one. Now that I'm out of the trap, how do I make sure that I don't step back into it again? None of us can ever say that we will never fall back into that steel trap, but the program teaches us how to stay out of the trap of addiction one day at a time. By actively participating in regular meetings, I was able to develop relationships with other addicts and alcoholics, just like me. In this fellowship I learned that each of us had fallen victim to the steel jaws of addiction. I was encouraged to share my story and talk about my struggles. I listened intently to others talk about how they used the steps to find and hang on to freedom. I learned over time that if I wanted to hang onto the gift of recovery, I would need to give it away.

So, even though I didn't know much, I began to talk about how the program was helping me. I began to share those stories of success and the stories of setbacks. The more I shared, the more I realized that I was changing. As I became aware of these changes, I wanted to thank everyone at meetings over and over again. Each time I did, I was redirected to my Higher Power and was told that was Whom I needed to thank. I was taken back by these comments, but what really surprised me was when members of the fellowship told me that they weren't trying to help me, but were trying to help themselves. That is when I finally understood the healthy, selfish part of the program. Do I believe that God wants me to take care of myself?

Meditations for the Heart

Sometimes I jokingly say, "I have had at least 16 seconds of serenity in my recovery, and not all at once." There haven't been long periods of time that I would call mountain top experiences - times when I am at peace with God, others and myself all at the same time. But I can say that as I grasped the spiritual aspects of the program, I began to have regular and even daily times when I was calm and knew that I was in a good place. This did not mean I was problem free; it just meant that for periods of time in my day I knew that God was watching out for me and making sure I had what I needed. It is almost like my soul finds a place to rest in the day even though I am surrounded by my problems. In this place of rest and security, I know that I can find calmness of spirit. Do I look for a place to rest in my Higher Power's arms?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Sometimes, it is easy for me to get caught up in the race of life. Help me to know that I can always find a place of rest in You. Keep me open to the opportunities to carry the message to others, and help me to change my attitude from pride and selfishness to one of humility and gratitude. Help me today to carry the message, so that I might care for myself in a healthy way.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 17

Wisdom for Today

When I first came into the program, I was overwhelmed by the thought of never drinking or using drugs again. The thoughts of “forever” seemed like too much to handle. Fortunately, I learned quickly that all I needed to do was stay focused on today. There was nothing I could do about all the yesterdays, when I repeatedly failed to clean up my act. I also didn’t need to worry about all the tomorrows, as they never happen. When tomorrow arrives, it will be today. All I needed to do was take it one day at a time.

In the early going, even one day was tough at times. Some days I struggled with cravings and urges to use. Other days it was the confusing emotions that seemed to come out of nowhere. Sometimes my thinking was simply messed up. I struggled with giving up behaviors, people, things and places. The one thing I didn’t struggle with was knowing that I was powerless; I had ample evidence that my life was unmanageable. My way didn’t work. I really needed to rely on the fellowship to help me though those early struggles. I slowly began to put one 24-hour period after another together. Days became weeks, and weeks became months. Over time it has become easier to live life one day at a time. Do I work at staying in today, rather than trying to undo the past or live in the fantasy of tomorrow?

Meditations for the Heart

Persistent preparation is what the spiritual life in recovery is all about. I need constantly to work at preparing myself for the day by practicing the principles of the program. Persistent prayer is one way I try to prepare myself for the day ahead. My prayers change over time. Sometimes they are filled with requests for guidance. Other times I look for strength to handle my life in the moment. Sometimes it is about seeking willingness and other times about gratitude. But it is not just prayer that prepares me spiritually. I also need to put my program into action. I need to work the steps. I need to carry the message. You may ask what I am preparing for. Well, I am preparing for the promises – joy, peace, health, security, serenity and happiness. Anything is possible in the spiritual realm of recovery. Am I preparing my life for the promises of recovery?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,

“Today” – this is a word I need to better understand. Help me to realize that all that is important for me in this life happens in today. Let me walk forward into this day with knowledge of Your will for me. Give me the strength I need to accomplish the tasks You set before me. Let me always work at preparing myself for the promises of recovery.
Amen.

[willbe275]

"Put your mind into gear before you put your mouth into drive Prayer "

What you DO, speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.

When I am worried, it’s usually because I’m trying to do everything myself. When I’m at Peace, it’s usually because I remember that God’s in Charge.

Before you assume, learn the facts. Before you judge, understand why. Before you hurt someone, feel. Before you speak, Think.

[bluidkiti]

November 18

Wisdom for Today

When I first stopped drinking and using drugs, my whole being needed to focus on staying clean and sober. But it wasn’t long before I began to hear some familiar voices from the past. Guilt, shame and remorse quickly came back into the picture. Fear also crept back into my life. These familiar voices used to whisper in my ear and give me reason for using. Now that I had stopped drinking and drugging, these same voices were back, only they were shouting at me. I was so ashamed of all the things I had done when I was wasted. I was afraid to look my family and friends in the eye. I felt guilty because of how I wronged them. My life had so much to regret.

Without the program I know I would have had no chance to stand up to these voices from the past. The program helped me to see that who I was as a person was not the same thing as what I had done. I began to see that God, as I understood Him, could and would forgive me. I began to see that I could forgive myself. I slowly learned that as long as I worked honestly to stay clean and sober, I could change how I felt about myself. More importantly, if I surrendered my will and followed the will of my Higher Power not only did my self-perception change, but the way other people looked at me would also change. Do I recognize that no matter how dark my life was, God can turn a new light on for me?

Meditations for the Heart

As I walk through this day and along the path of recovery, it is important that I realize that God walks with me. There is nothing that I think, do or say that my Higher Power does not know about. When I feel fear, shame, guilt or remorse, I know that I am not alone. I can have no secrets from God. I cannot hide from His presence. It is easy to get wrapped up in trying to please others or to look good to the people I interact with every day. It is easy to try and conform my ways to the ways of the world around me. When I do this, I am not turning my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power. Instead I am turning it over to the world around me. This is not something I can afford to do. I need to stay focused on His will for me and pray for the power to carry out His will. Do I realize I will only find lasting peace when I follow the will of my Higher Power?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Today let me stay cognizant of Your presence. Help me to accept not only the gift of recovery that You provide, but also the gift of forgiveness. Help me to remember that no secrets can be hidden from You. Let me see that You see in secret but reward openly.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 19

Wisdom for Today

When things got their worst, I really felt hopeless. I spent time in worry about my future. Was I going to end up locked up somewhere? Would I end up in some mental hospital? Would I end up dead? Worry was such terrible mental torment. What was going to happen to me if I couldn't find a way out of the madness of addiction? I knew there was nothing I could do to find a way out on my own. It was a scary but simple choice. I could end it all in suicide, or I could ask for help.

In desperation I reached out for help and found what I was looking for. In the program a new hope was born, and I actually began to believe that my life could turn out okay. The thing that still baffles me is the fact that I still find it difficult at times to ask for help. After years of evidence that asking for help works, I still find myself at times backing myself into a corner. Why is asking for help so hard? I think the answer to that question is different for each of us. Sometimes it is pride or arrogance. Sometimes it is simply foolishness or lack of commonsense. Sometimes it is fear of letting someone else know. Regardless of the reason, it is only when we come back to a place of surrender and honestly and humbly reach out that we find help. One day at a time my goal is to remember this. Do I still find it hard to ask for help?

Meditations for the Heart

One act of surrender is the act of obedience. When I walk though my day and ignore the directions that my Higher Power provides, I end up in trouble. When I follow the guidance I am given, I find that life goes much easier. In my addiction I always wanted to break the rules or at least bend them. I pretended that they did not apply to me. This is something I can't afford to do in recovery. It is too easy to get off the path of recovery if I do not obey the rules. Yes, I know that in the program you are told that there are no rules, only suggestions. But these suggestions are a matter of life and death. So whether you see them as rules or only suggestions, surrender involves the act of obedience. Sometimes I do not always like the suggestions I am given; yet in surrender I still need to be willing to follow the guidance I am given. Do I practice obedience, or do I want to still bend the rules?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Help me stay open to all the suggestions I am given and recognize that Your direction comes to me though many different channels. Let me hear the words of Your guidance and be willing to obey and follow where You lead. Let me not forget that You care about me and will lead me to a good place.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 20

Wisdom for Today

In the program I have learned many valuable lessons. Perhaps one of the most important is to let the future take care of itself. Everything works out well as long as I stay clean and sober and work my program. All I really need to focus on is today. I no longer need to worry about tomorrow. Now if this sounds like staying clean and sober means that I will never have problems in the future, this is not true. The problems I do have in recovery are certainly better than the problems I had when I was drinking and getting wasted. And any new problems I may experience in the future, I know that I have the tools to deal with them.

Each morning I wake up and start a new day, I can be grateful for the day I was just given. Any problem that I have, I can be grateful knowing that the steps and the fellowship can help me get through. This does not mean that every problem I have will be solved the way I would want them to; it just means that I know God will give me the strength and guidance to deal with any problem I experience. I know this to be true because I have had many difficult problems cross my desk in recovery. Time and time again, I find that I am given what I need to deal with these problems. Have I stopped worrying about tomorrow?

Meditations for the Heart

It's all good! This does not mean that everything is fundamentally good on the surface of things. What is does mean is that my Higher Power cares about me and that He has found a purpose for me in this life. I continue to be surprised by the ways that God leads me, and I am amazed at how He puts me to work. I have come to believe that God indeed has a plan for me. I do not always understand what this plan is when it is happening, but I am amazed when the plan not only works but also makes sense. Even when I have struggled in some difficult situations, I am given the strength to handle them. I learn from these struggles, and I share my stories, and I trust that God will use these stories to help others. I trust this because I know I have benefited from the stories of others. The world does not always make sense, and often times is filled with pain, but one thing I am sure of is that His plan for me makes sense and ultimately will bring me peace and serenity. Am I willing to trust God's plan for me?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I trust that You have a plan for me. Let me be willing to follow the directions I am given. Let me follow Your lead one day at a time. Today, I will walk down a pathway in my recovery. Help me to trust that this journey is planned by You.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 21

Wisdom for Today

When I first walked through the doors of a meeting to get sober, I had only one question on my mind, "Alright, so what do I need to do to stop drinking and drugging?" I had no idea how to do this and even less of an idea of where I would find the strength to do it. I was too afraid to ask this question out loud, but somehow knew the answer was in that room. As I looked around, I saw the faces of older members who had found the answer to my question. Where did they get the answer? I listened to members speak one after another and heard strength in their voices. Where did the strength come from?

What did I have to do to get what they had? At the end of the meeting, everyone chimed in, "It works if you work it; keep coming back." And so I did -- kept coming back, that is. Slowly I began to realize that the source of strength that each of these older members had come in different ways. Some talked of the words of wisdom that their sponsor shared. Others talked of the steps, and still others talked of the gift that had been given them by their Higher Power. As days went by, I soon discovered that this strength I was seeking comes in many ways. I needed to find what worked for me. Now that I have a few 24 hours under my belt, I can see that the strength comes from the same source. It just takes on lots of different faces. To quote the Big Book, "That one is God; may you find Him now." Do I see all the faces of God at meetings?

Meditations of the Heart

What needs do I have that God cannot fill? God can and does supply all our needs. The fundamental needs of an addict or alcoholic are spiritual. We can do nothing without the help of a Higher Power. Yes, over time in recovery we regain our health, perhaps our families and jobs, our freedom and even a sense of self-esteem. But none of these things are as important as our spiritual well being. When I can take what I have learned and give it away, then I am in a good place to receive what God has in His plans for me. Through this simple act - caring for others, we learn how to care for ourselves. Through sharing our struggles, defeats and triumphs, we gain strength. It is selfish. I do this to help myself. Yet in this selfishness, I help others. In gaining strength, I can do more for my family. I can be a better worker, and I can be a better person. And so it goes, the supply of my spiritual needs is met. God plans it that way. Am I willing to help others in order to help myself?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Every day I have needs, and every day You show me how to fill them. I do not always get what I want, but I trust that You know what I need. Help me to use the strength I receive to share with and care about others. Let me follow You on the road to spiritual health.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 22

Wisdom for Today

Strength comes to us through the fellowship. Simply being with so many other addicts and alcoholics who are making it brings me a sense of security. I remember suddenly feeling like I was not trying to do this thing called recovery – alone. As I would listen to speakers at open meetings, I would hear things I could relate to. It gave me a sense that I was not unique. Others just like me found the way. At closed meetings I would hear about everyday struggles and triumphs; but more importantly I witnessed recovery in action. Simply seeing others making it one day at a time gave me a sense of hope.

I began to get a sense of strength and hope as I had others come to me after meetings to share their genuine concerns about what was going on in my life. I also had others that would share with me that something I had said helped them. I was given permission to seek and find the answers that were right for me. I could choose a Higher Power that worked for me. I really began to get a sense that by talking with and listening to others I was becoming stronger. The hours became days, and the days became weeks. The 24-hours started to add up. Do I recognize that there is strength in being an active part of the fellowship?

Meditations for the Heart

As ancient armies marched into battle, the drummers would bang on their drums. The trumpeters would blast from their horns, and the soldiers would scream their battle cry. This provided a sense of unity and purpose - to gain victory over the oppressor. In recovery we need to have a battle cry as well. Mine has become, “God is with me, and He has all power.” I have repeated these words often to myself in my battle with addiction. Even after I won a battle by establishing abstinence, I still scream out my battle cry as I struggle with character defects, or making amends or simply to strengthen my faith. I bang the drum when I talk openly about the steps and, “How It Works.” I blast the trumpet each time I can say to others, “It works.” The war is not over, and I am sure there will be other battles to fight, but I know all I need to do is be the best soldier I can be.” Am I being a good soldier in the army of those fighting for recovery?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Today, I know that my strength will be renewed over and over again. As I interact with You as my Higher Power, and as I interact with the other soldiers who battle for recovery, keep me strong in the unity and purpose of the fellowship. Let me rely on the battle cry as my energy for ultimate victory.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 23

Wisdom for Today

It was like a light switch was suddenly turned on, and I could see just how messy my house had become. Early in the recovery process, I learned that honesty brought my addiction into this light. By sharing my story and all the troubles my addiction had led me into, I gained strength. By talking about the hospitals, jails and the demise of my family, I started the process of cleaning house. By sharing the money problems and all the foolish things I had done and talking about my suicidal behavior when I was wasted, I uncovered more and more of what had been hidden.

As I brought more and more of my life and addiction into the open, I gained both a sense of relief and a sense of strength. At first, I was worried that I would be judged and looked down on; but as I shared, I found more and more people that had experiences in common with me. I found out I was not alone. The strength I found in knowing this was very empowering. By witnessing my personal struggles and defeat at the hands of addiction, I became stronger. Do I recognize the strength I receive simply by sharing my story?

Meditations for the Heart

By sharing the events of my life as an addict and alcoholic, I managed to start the house cleaning. But I knew there was more dirt and clutter hiding in the closets and under the rugs in my home. Simply stopping drinking and drugging and sharing my story were not all that I needed to do. This surface cleaning was only the beginning. There still were all the secrets. If I was to move forward in my recovery, I needed more strength; and I needed more faith. I had my own understanding of the world. Everything fit into a nice, neat package. But when the light switch of honesty was turned on, I suddenly realized that my beliefs were limited. The truth was that there was much that I didn’t understand or comprehend. There was much that I simply had to take on faith. Have I surrendered my old ways of thinking and accepted that I do not have all the answers?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
It has been amazing to me how this program works. By sharing all the ugly aspects of my addiction, You have made me stronger. By admitting my weakness, I have found strength and hope. By accepting that I am not god, I have been opened to accepting that You are God.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 24

Wisdom for Today

Perhaps the best strength I have found in the program has come from trusting in a Power greater than I. Early in my life I had the concept of God introduced to me, and I had heard all the stories of God through all my involvement in organized religion. Yet, during all those addiction filled years, I somehow lost any relationship that I had with God. I saw people at meetings who repeatedly told me they could not define God for me or tell me how to rebuild this relationship. But what they didn't realize was that simply seeing their example and listening to their words taught me an awful lot about God, as I now understand Him. I could see how the Higher Power was helping these individuals. It helped me to believe that God wanted to help me.

Prayer was also something that I had little idea of how to do other than those I had memorized as a child. I began to recognize that if I wanted a personal relationship with God, I would need to talk with Him. And so I began, quite awkwardly at first, to stumble through very simple prayers. I began to talk about what was going on in my life and asking for direction. Unfortunately listening for the answer was often times even tougher. I spoke with others in the fellowship and asked what they did to listen to their Higher Power. I heard many different answers, but in hindsight this was good. It forced me to look for my own answers as to how to listen to God. Does my belief in a Power Greater than myself give me strength?

Meditations for the Heart

Developing skills takes practice. This is true also with spiritual skills. When I continually seek after God's will for me and I seek to follow His lead, I begin this process of spiritual development. At first it seemed that there was this huge wall between God and myself. But just as water causes erosion, practice of spiritual principles slowly eroded that wall. I now realize that this wall was erected by my actions, beliefs and thinking when I was drinking and using. Today I can see that I did not take down this wall, but God in His love for me crumbled every stone in that wall. Today I need to be persistent in my spiritual development and never falter. I need to seek to go boldly forward and continue to be unafraid of where God will lead me. One thing I have learned is that if I seek to do His will and ask for power to carry this out, God will indeed care for me and lead me in a good direction. Am I developing my spiritual skills?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I have come to recognize that my relationship with You is a personal one. Help me be open to improving my spiritual skills by continually bringing my concerns to You. Let me daily remember to give You thanks for all that You do in my life. Give me ears to listen to Your Divine wisdom.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 25

Wisdom for Today

Strength comes from giving it away. I remember very early in my recovery process, I told my sponsor I wanted to help others. It was as if I was on fire to give away what I was receiving. Fortunately my sponsor very quietly told me to hang onto that feeling and save it for later. He knew that this fire inside of me could easily be extinguished. I did what my sponsor told me to do. I saved it for later and continued to concentrate on myself. Some time later I was at a meeting, and a newcomer walked in. My sponsor winked at me and told me to go and welcome him. I offered the newcomer a cup of coffee and proceeded to tell him about the time when I first came to a meeting. I could see he was scared, but what surprised me was that I could see myself in his eyes.

That night I learned a very important lesson. I learned that as I was trying to help this newcomer, my resolve to stay clean and sober grew stronger. I realized for the first time that I had something that I did not want to lose. The newcomer kept coming back for several weeks, and then I never saw him again. At first I worried about him. I talked with my sponsor, feeling as though I had failed. Again there were words of wisdom that came from my sponsor's mouth. He said, "You are only responsible for carrying the message; you can't carry the other guy." He was right again and again. I learned that in helping others I am really helping myself. For the first time I think I really understood what the fellowship is really all about. We help others to help ourselves. Am I finding renewed strength by reaching out to help others?

Meditations for the Heart

Faith is a narrow path between God and you. This path only exists because God wants it there. Sometimes I have wondered why this path is so narrow. It is so easy to wander away from the path. I cannot explain why God wants the path this way. If I had all these answers, I would not need faith. And so I trust that God knows what He is doing. So my faith requires me to stay focused on this narrow path, so that I can maintain this walk with my Higher Power. In some ways it is not so different from when I was getting drunk or was using drugs. I had a singleness of vision. All I wanted then was to get high. It was a very narrow path. It is much the same now. All I want is a relationship with my Higher Power. So I walk a narrow path. Do I keep my vision on my relationship with God, as I understand Him?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Each day You present me with new opportunities to build up my faith and renew my strength. When the time is right, lead me on a path to helping newcomers. Help me to keep my focus on the narrow path and walk hand in hand with You today.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 26

Wisdom for Today

We also find strength in our failures. I know this sounds strange, but it is true. Throughout my recovery process, I have had a variety of setbacks and challenges in which I experienced failure. I am not talking about relapse, although this was a part of my experience, too. What I am talking about are the everyday failures we all experience. As I worked my way though the steps, I have fallen flat on my face on more than one occasion. As I struggled with my Fourth Step, I found it hard to be rigorously honest. In facing my character defects, I learned that some of them I liked and did not want to give them up, or I didn't know how. In making amends, I found some old resentments. All along the way I have found periods of failure. Yet in these failures I also found the strength to try again and again until I found success. In each of these failures, I was forced to go back to my Higher Power and ask for help again, and each time I was given new strength.

Personally I have come to believe that life was not meant to be one success after another. It is filled with both success and failure. One thing I have learned is that I need to turn to God in both the times of success and the times of defeat. In my success I must be grateful to my Higher Power for showing me the way. In failure I am taken back to the essence of Step Three. I turn it over, and I am given the courage to try again. This spiritual principle is one of the wonders of life in recovery. If I entrust both my success and failures to my Higher Power, I am sure to come out okay in the long run. The strength that is gained is both from gratitude for what Our Higher Power does for us and for what we cannot do on our own. Wondrously our Higher Power even celebrates with us when we find success. Do I learn from my failures and ask God for strength to try again?

Meditations for the Heart

Where does this wonderful power and strength come from? Men conquer nations, and men become great leaders. Some people become very wealthy, and others become famous. But these things all pass. The power I am talking about is the power to conquer self. Within my being is an addict and alcoholic that is always trying to come out and take control again. Yet I can say that just for today, I do not need to let the addict out to play. I do not have to let the alcoholic take control again. God's power is the greatest power in the universe, and He is willing to share this wonderful power with me. It is free for the asking. Each time I ask, I am rewarded with one more victory in this life of recovery. Sometimes the victories are small, and other times it seems as though mountains have been moved for me. Do I see God's power working for me in my everyday life?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I pray that I may open myself to the power that You provide. Give me courage to learn from my failures, and help me to find the power to conquer self. Let me turn to You for direction each step that I take on this pathway of recovery.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 27

Wisdom for Today

When I first walked through the doors of a meeting, I thought that is all it was - a meeting. What I didn't realize was that what I was really walking into was a new way of life. At first I simply thought I would learn how to stop my active addiction and that would be it. But it didn't take long to figure out that this was just the beginning. Today I am amazed at the changes I see happen in the lives of the people who adopt this way of living. Every so often I stop long enough to look at myself and see the changes that have happened in my life because of this program.

As I look back, I can see just how selfish I had become. Everything revolved around me and my desires. If things weren't going my way I would con and manipulate to get what I wanted. When my way didn't work, I would get mad; or I would throw a temper tantrum. I acted just like a child. I would even isolate and sulk when nothing else would work. Just like a spoiled child, I had to have things my way. Sometimes my actions were very visible to those around me. I hurt a lot of people along the way. At other times I was sneakier, but always the goal was the same - to get things my way. Have I stopped trying to run the show my way?

Meditations for the Heart

As I began to let go of my old way of thinking and began to adopt a new way of life, I felt like I was missing something. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but soon realized that what I was missing was confidence. Then my sponsor told me that confidence is simply faith in that which is not seen. He asked me if I believed in a million dollars. I told him that I knew it existed. Then he asked me if I had ever seen a million dollars or held it in my hand. I, of course, said, “No.” My sponsor responded, "But you believe in it even though you have never seen it." He went on to tell me that I could have all the confidence I ever wanted if I only believed in a Higher Power, who would provide me that confidence. He was right, because as I started to believe that I could have this gift, I indeed received it. My sponsor then cautioned me, you could only keep this confidence if you are willing to obey the directions of your Higher Power. A confidant faith and a willingness to follow my Higher Power has indeed created change in my life. Do I see that all successful living only happens in and with my Higher Power?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
I pray that I may follow Your lead along this path of recovery. Let me walk with You hand in hand each step of the way. Continue to provide me with confidence, as I still need it. Help me to remember always where this confidence comes from, and grant me willingness to obey Your will for me.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 28

Wisdom for Today

When I was active in my addiction, I was also very active in my being dishonest. I would lie to my family about where I was and what I was doing. I would lie to get money to buy drugs and alcohol. I would lie to my employer and call in sick. I would lie about my lies and would lie so that I could hide. I would lie to my friends, and I would lie to my children. Most of all, I lied to myself. It seemed that facing the reality of what I had become and myself was so distasteful that I would do anything to deceive myself and hide from the truth. There was a small part of me that somehow knew that I was damaged. I could not admit this to anyone, most of all I could not admit it to myself.

I got clean and sober, but to my surprise the lying did not automatically stop. "What do you mean be honest with my sponsor; how can I trust him? He's just another drunk." Developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty has been perhaps the hardest part of the recovery process for me. It was hard admitting to others and myself that I was an alcoholic and an addict. It was even harder to get honest about all my dark secrets. Dishonesty clearly was and still can be one of my biggest character defects. Learning to admit when I am wrong and learning that hiding only hurts me has not been easy. Fortunately recovery is about progress and not perfection. I have come a long way with my ability to be honest. But I also honestly know I am not done with this. Recovery is not so much about immediately being honest, but it is about becoming honest. Am I becoming more honest today than I was yesterday?

Meditations for the Heart

Each of us must face up to moments of truth -- times when we are confronted with the urge to lie, cover things up, misrepresent or just plain hide. The compulsion that an addict experiences when we want to lie is incredibly strong. Yet in these moments of truth, we can choose to do what is right. We can choose to do what our Higher Power would want us to do. Yes, sometimes this means that there will be consequences for our actions or behavior, but the consequence of dishonesty is by far greater. All those things we have regained as a result of God's gift of recovery can be lost again. The trust we re-establish in recovery can be blown away by the winds of deceit. The self-respect we regain can be destroyed in the flood of dishonesty. The very essence of freedom can be lost in the chains of manipulation. This character defect, above all others, can make recovery disappear in a brief moment. It can fester like an infected sore for a long time until finally it brings death to all that is important to us. Am I working on becoming more and more honest with others and myself?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Today I can see clearly how destructive dishonesty has been and still can be in my life. Help me to find the courage to do Your will when I face those moments of truth. Teach me the benefits and the wisdom that comes with honesty. Let me become willing to let go of this defect of character.
Amen.

[bluidkiti]

November 29

Wisdom for Today

When I was active in my addiction, I had an ego a mile wide. Everything was about me and what I wanted. I had an arrogance about life that somehow life owed me something. I acted as if I was more important than others. Certainly when it came to my family, I did not act in a loving or caring manner. I did what I wanted to do regardless of how my choices affected them. It was not that I didn’t care or couldn’t love my family, but I put my relationship with drugs and alcohol before my family. Even with my children, I acted as if their needs were not important. Most of all, I was not being loving toward myself. I cared only about satisfying one need – to get wasted night after night.

This arrogant ego of mine became a character defect. I cleaned up my act and stopped drinking and stopped using, yet I still had this ego problem. My ego would not allow me to make a mistake; I had to be perfect. I continued to blame others for my own shortcomings. I continued to put my needs and desires before others. As I continued to go to meetings, I began to listen and hear other addicts and alcoholics talk about similar problems. I heard others with more time under their belt talk about the freedom they gained in surrendering these defects. They talked of letting go of their desires and following after their Higher Power’s will. I began to realize that this character defect stood in the way of my relationship with myself, with others and with God. Do I let ego problems get in the way of my recovery?

Meditations for the Heart

Each of us has both an outer life and an inner life. There is the part of us that we show to the world, that part of us that is known to others. There is also the inner life; this is where we hide our crazy thinking, our mixed up emotions and our secrets. In recovery I need to open myself up and tell on my disease. I need to share how my thinking and emotions and secrets mess up my life. I need to develop a new inner life. This new inner life is one in which I am in communion with God. I need to seek after His will for me and seek after the courage and power to carry out His will for me. I need to go to this new inner world often to be renewed in my commitment to ongoing recovery. I need to do regular housecleaning of this new inner world. When I do this, it makes it possible to live in peace with the outer world. I am prepared to go to work, to interact with my family and to stay true to the tasks before me. Do I seek to expose my old crazy thinking, mixed up emotions and secrets so that I can develop a new inner world?

Petitions to my Higher Power

God,
Sometimes I do not want to clean house, but I know this must be done in order to have an effective relationship with You and others. I know that I can let my ego get in the way and act as if I am more important than others. Help me to accept myself, both my strengths and weaknesses, and learn to let go of my defects of character.
Amen