Chuckles

[MajestyJo]

[MajestyJo]

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The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your _ _ _)

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You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

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The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

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The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

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Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

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Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !

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The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man.

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Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

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PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!

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The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

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And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

So.......................

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......and go move your toothbrush !!!

Received with thanks from my friend Carey in Texas

[MajestyJo]

House Cleaning Tips:

Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. Ladies, if our husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and
exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing your little hand-sewn stuffed animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

Unexpected Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say,"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

Last Resort:
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teasthingy of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another Favorite from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Emergency Cleaning:
Thanks to Phyllis Diller, we know the quickest way to hide dirt is to change to lower-wattage light bulbs. (I'm now down to 7 watt nightlights though out my house and also enjoy lower electricity bills)

Received this from my friend Carey

[LookingOut]

Originally Posted by MajestyJo

House Cleaning Tips:

Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. Ladies, if our husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and
exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing your little hand-sewn stuffed animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

Unexpected Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say,"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

Last Resort:
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teasthingy of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another Favorite from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Emergency Cleaning:
Thanks to Phyllis Diller, we know the quickest way to hide dirt is to change to lower-wattage light bulbs. (I'm now down to 7 watt nightlights though out my house and also enjoy lower electricity bills)

Received this from my friend Carey

Now THIS is my kind of housecleaning! LOL

My mom always said, "I just hate housecleaning. You get all finished and 6 months later you have to do it all over again!"

I have a sign in my entryway that says, "A clean house is a sign of a misspent life!" That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it! LOL

[MajestyJo]

Helping Dad

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

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When we moved into our new house 15 years ago, the dishwasher wasn't working. My mother would occasionally come over to watch my 2 sons, then 8 & 9. After awhile we replaced the broken dishwasher. The next time my mother came over she had given some snacks to the boys. After they ate, she proceeded to wash the dishes by hand. My 8 year old looked at her and said "Grandma, we have a new dishwasher, we don't need an old one".

To this day my mother still repeats the story.

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Wedding rings do help turn night owls into homing pigeons.

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Baloney is flattery so thick it cannot be true; blarney is flattery so thin we like it.

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There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.

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Jack and Sue have a nip-and-tuck marriage. He takes a nip, and she tucks him in.

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Mary Jane claims she's just turned thirty--it must have been a U turn.

[MajestyJo]

The Fight

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie, the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" said Charles. "Now, that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[MajestyJo]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

[MajestyJo]

The Man Song by Sean Morey

I don't take no crap from anybody ... else but you.
I wear the pants around here...when I'm finished with your laundry.
'Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight ... when I say "jump" you say "yeah, right."
I'm the man of this house ... until you get home.

He's the man! He's the man!

What I say goes around here ... right out the window.
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining ... so I'll shut up.
The sooner you learn who's boss around here ... the sooner you can give me my orders, dear.
'Cause I am the head honcho around here ... but it's all in my head.

He's the man! He's the man!

And I can have sex anytime ... that you want.
'Cause I'm a man who has needs ... but they're not that important.
And don't expect any flowers from me ... because if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry.
I'm the king of my castle ... when you're not around.

He's the man! He's the man!

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want ... to get into trouble.
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready ... to sleep on the couch.
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do ... and I'm going to do what you tell me to.
Because I'm top dog around here ... but I've been neutered!

He's the man! He's the man! You the man!

[MajestyJo]

One Day After Christmas



It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.

It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.

They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.

The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.

It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys

My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair

I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.

[MajestyJo]

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends



If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I 'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

[MajestyJo]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .....

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you??

[MajestyJo]

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught...

[MajestyJo]

Don't stretch the truth, stretch the body, mind and spirit.

[MajestyJo]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
Part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

– John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
Had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
Opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

– Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
Population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
Landing was faked.

– David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

– Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.

– Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
Them for thirty years.

– Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
Strength of the lifeboats.

– Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
Out the garbage.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

– Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

– Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

– Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

– Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

– Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

– Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

– Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
But I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
For, I have no idea.

– W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

– Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
Impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

– Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
Man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

– Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

– Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

– Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

– George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

– Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

– Robert Benchley

[MajestyJo]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
Part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

– John Glenn


When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
Had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
Opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

– Desmond Tutu


America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
Population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
Landing was faked.

– David Letterman


I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

– Howard Hughes


After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.

– Italian proverb


Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
Them for thirty years.

– Betsy Salkind


The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
Strength of the lifeboats.

– Jean Kerr


I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
Out the garbage.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor


You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

– Jeff Foxworthy



When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

– Prince Philip



A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

– Emo Philips.


Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

– Harrison Ford


The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

– Spike Milligan


Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

– Robin Hall


Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

– Jean Rostand.


Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
But I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger.


We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
For, I have no idea.

– W.H. Auden


In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

– Jonathan Katz



If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
Impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson


I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

– Arthur C Clarke


Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
Man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

– Steve Martin


Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

– Jimmy Durante


America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

– Doug Hamwell


The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

– George Roberts


If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

– Jonathan Winters


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

– Robert Benchley

Received with thanks from my friend Patricia