Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2019

[bluidkiti]

November 18

Quote of the Week

"Trying to pray is the same thing as praying."

I didn’t pray or meditate much before I got sober. If I did pray, it was either to keep me from getting into trouble or to get me out of the trouble my selfish or self-seeking behavior got me into. As far as meditation went, my mind was way too busy for that. Besides, I had parties to go to. As my life spun out of control, I had very few tools to help me deal with the emptiness and desperation I felt most of the time. Finally, alone and afraid, I reached the bottom of my life, and that’s when I surrendered.

When I began attending meetings, I heard a lot about prayer and meditation. I thought I was screwed because I didn’t know how to do either one. My sponsor was very patient with me and told me to start by just talking to God. When I told him how angry I was with God for letting my life get so bad, he encouraged me to tell God about it. He told me that God could handle anything I might say to Him. So I did. I yelled and cursed and told God off. When I sheepishly told my sponsor some of the things I had been telling God, he smiled and said, “At least you’re finally talking to Him.” And that’s when I began to get better.

I have learned that God doesn’t care how you talk to Him, only that you are talking to Him. My awkward attempts at prayer counted, too, because at least I was praying. And each time I tried to meditate—for even a minute or as much as fifteen minutes—I felt better because I was finally meditating. Today, I know that any effort I make to connect with God is rewarded because God is always there, always listening. Today, I know that trying to pray is the same thing as praying.

[bluidkiti]

November 25

Quote of the Week

"I’m really grateful to be here."

When I finally hit bottom and surrendered, I didn’t think my life could get lower. But then I started attending A.A. meetings. Here was a group of people who had nothing better to do on a Friday or Saturday night than to sit in a room and talk about “the good old days.” And they talked about, of all things, God, and making amends, and their feelings—lots of feelings! I was pretty sure my life was over for good.

I resisted and rebelled for a long time, but I worked the Steps and kept coming back. I still didn’t agree or understand when someone began sharing by identifying as a “grateful alcoholic.” Grateful for what? I’d think. But subtly and powerfully, I began to change. I became more humble as I recognized my part in things, more grateful when I realized how fortunate I had been, and more hopeful because of the new life I’d been given. Soon, I even looked forward to going to meetings.

Years down the road of recovery, I live from a place of sustained gratitude. My life today is nothing like the hopeless, resentful state it once was. Today, I have a purpose and a new freedom I never had before. I’m immensely comfortable in my own skin—an incredible gift for an alcoholic like me. I’m not only grateful for all I do have in my life, I’m grateful I still have a life—something alcoholism nearly stole from me. Today, I can honestly say, I’m really grateful to be here.

[bluidkiti]

December 2

Quote of the Week

"I know I have another drunk in me, but I don’t know if I have another recovery."

A shiver shot down my spine when I first heard this quote. I know how easy it would be for me to pick up a cold Heineken or glass of Cabernet Sauvignon at a nice restaurant. And my disease even tries to convince me I could handle it now. “It’s been years since you’ve had a drink,” it whispers. “You can handle a glass of wine and enjoy it like others do,” it says.

As I think that first drink through, I know I might get away with it, but inevitably I would end up drunk. I know myself well enough to know how obsessive I still am—I can prove that with a large bag of M&M’S. I know I’ve easily got another drunk in me, but I can’t say the same thing about recovery. That’s why this quote resonates so deeply and still gives me the chills.

Getting sober and working the Twelve Steps was a lot of work. Good work, to be sure, but it took countless surrenders, unparalleled willingness, and a humbling of my ego that only the desperation of the drowning can understand. If the embers of alcoholism were lit again, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to contain them. That’s why I pray to God in the morning to keep me sober another day, and I thank Him at night for doing so. I know how easy it would be to get drunk again, but I don’t know if I have the grace and willingness for another recovery.

[bluidkiti]

December 9

Quote of the Week

"Quit with the thinking, and start with the doing."

It took me a long time to learn that I can’t think myself into feeling better. If I sit at home depressed, waiting until I feel like going to a meeting or calling someone, it means I’m going to be at home depressed a long time. Early on, I learned about contrary action, and when I take it and get out of my head, I always feel better.

My sponsor showed me a chapter in the Big Book called “Into Action,” and told me to notice there isn’t one called “Into Thinking.” He taught me that feelings always follow actions, and every time I take a positive action, I get positive feelings. The opposite is also true. If I stay in my head, I almost always feel bad or grow more depressed.

One of the best actions I’ve learned to take in the program is to work with or help another. The power of this action is that while helping another, I’m immediately out of thinking about myself and into being of service. And the magic of service is that while I’m helping another, I’m also helping myself. Today, it’s much easier for me to get out of thinking and get into doing, and afterward I’m glad I did.

[bluidkiti]

December 16

Quote of the Week

"Are you willing to be amazed?"

By the end of my drinking and using, my life had gotten very small and there wasn’t much that excited me anymore. My existence had been reduced to a singular focus—getting loaded. The wonder and possibilities of life, the joy and anticipation of new friends, new opportunities and experiences were crowded out by my overwhelming obsession to drown myself in alcohol. As I slipped deeper into the abyss, I no longer cared if I lived or died. I had reached the end.

But once I surrendered and entered recovery, I discovered that the end actually led to a new beginning: the start of a sober life. As I worked the Twelve Steps, I found they acted like a ladder that allowed me to climb out of the dark pit of self. With each Step, I built a bridge back to other people, and back to life itself. As I learned to focus on my Higher Power and on being of service to others, the feelings of uselessness and self-pity disappeared and I became reborn.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has awakened me to a life beyond my imagining. At first, I just hoped to stop drinking, but as I worked through the program, I got more than I could ever have asked for. All the promises have come true for me and so much more. The wonder and possibilities of life have returned, and I wake up each morning with a burning anticipation of what God has in store for me. I have discovered and pursued opportunities I never knew existed. I have had wonderful experiences like meeting and marrying my soul mate, and today I actually have peace and serenity. Today, when I hear a newcomer complain about his life, I listen and then ask, “Are you willing to be amazed?"

[bluidkiti]

December 23

Quote of the Week

"The only thing we can take with us when we leave this world is what we gave away."

For years, I thought the goal in life was to get as much stuff as I could. I measured my worth as a person by how much money I had in the bank, and by how many books and CDs I had. I spent endless hours shopping for expensive cars, hipper clothes, and newer tech devices. I loved when UPS came, and for a few hours I almost felt satisfied. I still remember, however, the moment I pressed the buy button on yet another Amazon order and thought about the package arriving and putting the new, unread books on the shelf next to the other new, unread books. In that moment, I hit another bottom.

When I was new in the program, I was told that if I wanted to feel better, then I had to get out of myself by being of service and by helping others. While I argued that picking up cigarette butts and mopping the floor couldn’t have anything to do with my recovering or feeling better, I did what I was told. Eventually, I was instructed to sponsor and work with others. While I resented getting up early on Sunday mornings to meet with a newcomer before a meeting, I can tell you now that I always felt the deepest satisfaction and feeling of self-worth when I did. Finally, I had found a way to fill the hole inside of me.

What I’ve learned after many years in recovery is that it’s not about me. It’s not about how much I earn, how much I can get, or how much I have. Instead, it’s only about how much I can give away. The truth in my life today is that I’m happiest when I seek to be of service. I’m less in fear when I’m thinking of others, and ultimately, I know that the only thing that really matters now, and will matter forever, is how much I’ve packed into the stream of life. It’s taken a long time, but I finally understand the last line of St. Francis’s prayer: “It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life."

[bluidkiti]

December 30

Quote of the Week

"Serenity is paying attention to what I’m doing right now."

I have a mind that races ahead of where I am, plans outcomes, anticipates obstacles, and prepares for the worst. It’s a busy mind. If it’s not in the future, then it’s reviewing the past, coming up with wouldas, shouldas, and couldas. Drinking offered a respite from this obsessiveness, and for a few hours I was mostly concerned with what was happening in the present. But then my bottom forced me to get sober, and even in the program I found I still had a restless mind.

My endless thoughts wouldn’t let me alone during early sobriety. I woke up in fear, worried most of the day, and at night I’d lie awake imagining dark futures fueled by what ifs. Thank God for my sponsor and the fellowship. They had many suggestions, like when they told me to keep the Big Book at my bedside because reading a few pages would definitely put me to sleep. It worked! They also taught me about being of service, prayer, and building my spiritual tool kit. That all worked—when I worked it.

Many years have passed, and while I’m recovered from the obsession to drink, my mind still likes to get into the future and look for danger. This is the path to insanity for me. Thankfully, I’m much better at reining it back in and focusing it on what I’m doing, what I have, and how fortunate I am right now. I have more than I need to be happy, joyous, and free. And most of all, I have a God of my own understanding, and I have serenity in the here and now. How’s that for the future I used to worry about?