Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - August

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August 16

How Can We Remain Indifferent?

Hatred is a despicable emotion. Indifference is even worse. People crave acknowledgment. Remember the class clown who was repeatedly evicted from the classroom? He was willing to accept ridicule because of his desperate need to call attention to himself. We may not realize people have been offended when we fail to notice them. It takes so little effort to make people feel good. A pleasant greeting, an offer of a cup of coffee, an inquiry whether they might need a ride home. Probably we have all experienced the displeasure of being ignored. Let us avoid doing this to others. Little things can mean so much.

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August 17

Stooping to New Lows

We behave according to our self-worth. Someone said the dollar would never fall so low that people won't stoop to pick it up. People may stoop very low to earn a dollar. Either they do not recognize that stooping to unethical behavior will soil their character, or they think so little of themselves that they do not see anything wrong with getting dirty. We do things during active addiction that are beneath our dignity, probably because we do not feel dignified. As we recover, our increased sense of self-worth not only prevents our relapse into chemical use but also disallows all indecent and unethical behavior.

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August 18

Out of Control

Control is an important issue in addiction. When travel was primarily by horse and buggy, the driver did not actually control the horse, but by pulling on the reins he coerced the horse to choose to turn. Today's driver does not make the car choose, but he actually controls its direction. Little children enjoy toys with remote controls. Technology has provided us with unprecedented controls. We have come to believe in our ability to control everything. This contributes to the delusion that we can also control chemicals. We should not let technology delude us. We cannot control our use of chemicals.

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August 19

The Difference Between Need and Desire

It would be to our advantage if we thought more about how many things we do not need. An alcoholic once said, I never drank unless I thought it was exactly what I needed to do at just that moment. There is a difference between I want and I need. The recovery program teaches us to say, I really don't need this chemical today. Whether I will need it tomorrow, I can decide tomorrow. When we turn our lives over to the will of a Higher Power, we can eliminate those things we want that are destructive, and concentrate on our constructive needs.

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August 20

An All or Nothing Struggle

Only 100 percent will work. Chemicals are cunning enemies. In addiction, chemicals look for any possible entry. The addiction may cause insomnia, pain, or anxiety to get us to take an addictive chemical. Our only defense against relapse is to block all portals of entry. The fact is that anything less than 100 percent is fraught with risk. The one percent unguarded point is a point of entry. This is why we must remain in contact with the program indefinitely and practice its principles in all our affairs. The one time we do not practice the principles of recovery is our Achilles' heel of relapse.

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August 21

Excuses Get Us Nowhere

Many people believe excuses have value. But as any authority on how to succeed has pointed out, no one has ever achieved success via the avenue of excuses. Recovering people do not need to be taught this. If a Nobel Prize were given for excellence in rationalization, addicts would win hands down. No one can concoct as many excuses as an addict. These champions also testify to the futility of even the most ingenious excuse. Good performance and responsible behavior are what succeed. Poor performance and irresponsibility fail. Recovering people know this, but a reminder never hurts.

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August 22

Be Wise Enough to Ask for Help

A Danish proverb: Better to ask twice than to lose your way once. Some drivers will not stop to ask directions until they are undeniably lost. It is more serious when we have gone the wrong direction in life, and some of our mistakes are irreversible. Career and marriage are important decisions, but they are not the only major decisions in life. Everyone can benefit from guidance. Recovering addicts are convincing instructors of the importance of asking for guidance, rather than assuming that we know it all. Wisdom is not in knowing everything but in knowing when to ask.

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August 23

Recovering Our Emotions

Communication is the ability to also hear what is said nonverbally through eye contact, gestures and tone inflection. During active addiction it is possible to function intellectually even after all emotional contact has ceased. When we recover, we restore the emotional system and can resume full communication. We might not always be pleased with those emotional communications, and that is why there is always a risk of relapse. But as recovery progresses, we learn how to deal with emotions, and we can then enjoy total communication.

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August 24

Life-or-Death Struggles

Some resort to chemicals as an escape when they see no solution to their problems. But problems can always be resolved, albeit not in the manner one might wish. In this sense, addiction generates a vicious cycle. When chemicals are used to escape from problems that could be resolved by compromise, our perception and judgment become impaired, so that each problem takes on greater significance and appears even more insoluble. When everything becomes a life-or-death matter, we die many times. Easy does it means reevaluating problems for possible solutions. Sobriety helps us achieve this.

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August 25

Be Receptive to Wisdom

Under the influence of fear, we are in the dark and lose our perception, resulting in negative thoughts and feelings. But even momentary exposure to light can convert the negative to a positive. Let us do this in our own lives. Find a source of illumination: wisdom from a reliable source. Be receptive and sensitive. There is a high probability a positive picture will result. In the recovery program, it is said that if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. This restates the concept of converting the negative into the positive, which is what recovery is all about.

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August 26

Freedom Brings Responsibility

The psychological problems that complicate addiction began long before use of chemicals. Many addicts never experienced freedom even before they began using chemicals. They may have been subject to compulsions, rigid habits, an inability to say no, or being dominated. When chemicals came along, they took their place alongside the other problems. For many addicts, recovery is the first taste of liberty and it carries the responsibility of decisions, weighing options. Freedom is better, but it is not always easy, and we must always beware the tendency to fall back on what is easier, even when it is to our detriment. ,

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August 27

Attitude Adjustments

Many think that changing their life requires major upheavals, such as relocating, changing jobs, getting married or divorced. Not so. A radical change can come about simply by changing our attitude. A recovering person said, When my wife did not dote on me when I was sick the way my parents did, I became irate. I was being mistreated. When my attitude changed and I realized she was my wife and not my mother, I stopped my bizarre behavior. We often bring inappropriate attitudes to addiction. If we change these when we become sober, our lives become much more livable.

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August 28

Make Peace With Yourself

A recovering person showed his sponsor a list of everyone to whom he would make amends, and was told the list was incomplete. You forgot to put yourself at the top of the list, the sponsor said. Even if we never harmed anyone else, chemical use harms ourselves. All the amends in the world are inadequate for full recovery unless we realize we have no right to damage ourselves. Each diamond needs to be polished so its beauty and value can be perceived and appreciated. That must happen in recovery. We must make amends to ourselves for having injured something so valuable as ourselves.

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August 29

It's Not Always Easy to Take Advice

Profiting from good advice requires more wisdom than giving advice. People with the least experience are fountains of advice, whereas seasoned veterans often sit quietly. For those seeking guidance, therefore, look among those who are maintaining their silence. Veterans say, Listen and do as you're told. No one likes to hear this, but it is good advice. The behavior of active addiction was largely doing what we wanted to do, rather than what we should do. Recovery requires a reversal of this.

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August 30

Don't Be Afraid of Real Sorrow

Following her husband's death, a woman with years of sobriety felt she was derelict because she was feeling sorry for herself. Some in the program told her she must learn how to be happy. This is a distortion. The program is critical of feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for consequences of your addictive behavior. However, when you feel genuine grief from loss of a loved one, that is a healthy emotion. We must be careful not to distort the wonderful ideas of the program. When in doubt, check with senior people in sobriety who can tell you what these concepts really mean.