Introduce Yourself

[yukonm]

Welcome Katie!! Glad to have you join our community. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[MajestyJo]

Welcome Jason, Ericka, and Katie. Sorry I am late welcoming you to our site.

Hope you will continue to come and share your journey with us. Thank you for making the decision to be part of our family.

[dwmoeller]

Katie,

Welcome from North Dakota! Congrates on 68 days sober.

[bluidkiti]

Kate! It is great having you join us. Please keep coming and sharing with us.

[honeydumplin]

First and foremost, I'm an alcoholic.

I was also a drug addict. As a matter of fact used marijuana, cocaine,
and various other stimulants, narcotics, and depressants over the course
of about twenty years, give or take. Alcohol broke my inhibition,
the coke took me up, and the pot brought me back down again.

My home group is the Men's Group here. Every sober day I experience
can in some way be attributed to a power much greater than myself.
Sponsorship, the fellowship, the brief time I've put forth into working the steps,
and the God of my very limited understanding have been paramount in going
yet another day without drink or drug. For that I am truly grateful.

Sorry that I have not introduced myself sooner.
It isn't that I've been that preoccupied, for ample
time has been there. Nor could the case be made
that there's been nothing to say, because it has.
I just haven't put forth the effort until now.

I saw something the other day(probably in this
forum) that said, "The best things in life, aren't
really things at all." They're more like that powerful
stir that I felt deep within my soul, the afternoon
that I sat and watched a sober sunset, early in recovery,
or reading a book, and being so enthralled that time
doesn't mean anything, sharing an innermost thought
with a person, appreciating a form of intimacy
with another human being for the very first time.
Seeing an aura in a person. Feeling at home,
not only in my own skin, but in my home, in general.

I mean, sometimes I am granted the serenity to listen
to devine messages of hope and renewal, and everything
wonderful in its entirety, and get this overwhelming
sense of gratitude, when peace and joy flows through every
fiber of my being, and I am at one with the universe.
But then there's also those unique occasions, when I see
and hear a guy pick up a white chip, that I also feel just
as humble, and just as grateful, as I did when I picked up one.

Still, I must disclose in a general way, what happened, before I can
ever get to the part where I can tell you where I am now.

Desperation is what brought me through the door.
And what a narrow door it is. As a matter of fact the
further I get from that white chip, the smaller that
door appears, and the more precious crossing through
it becomes.The fear of complacency, tends to move
me through the steps in a way. As confusing as it may be,
it is when I feel myself starting to slide backward, that
I find myself wanting to go forward.

One of the many similarities of other alcoholics I've heard
speak is that rather raw abnormality; that subtle rare
quality that's been like a thorn in my side ever since I can
remember trying to cohabitate with the human race.
For years I just felt like I was out of step with the
entire galaxy.

Why couldn't I talk to people in general conversation?
I thought. Why would I not just be normal? Why did
the tears flow over the small stuff, and how did I find
such dysfunctional humour during a crisis? Why couldn't
I have a relationship with the opposite sex without
sabbotaging it through drugs and alcohol? Why could
I not have a relationship with anyone for that matter?

These questions, along with a lot of other confusion, and
distorted thinking seem to go hand and hand with alcohol
and drug addiction. Actually, they tend to play off of each
other. I drank to distort the confusion, and more I drank,
the more confused I got. Working the steps, the mere
passage of time, and seeking some sort of conception
of serenity have gradually removed those “whys” that
seemed so important.

It has only been recently that I've been able to experience
something like normal confusion. Some days maybe its
organized chaos. Other days, just abundant chaos.
Nevertheless, there is this small undertone of normality
that reveals itself on occasion. Frequently I've found
that those same tones tend to run parallel with the
feeling of being completely powerless of certain things.

Powerlessness over the apocalypse for instance. Over
politics. Over religous zealots. Over other people's
predisposed opinions and biases. To live and to feel that
I have absolutely no control over that stuff relieves
me of a very huge burden, and allows me to distance
myself a bit from the narcissitic, self-absorbed alcoholic
that I have been for so long, and can still be at times.
An ebb and flow, if you will.

I mean there was a period several years ago when I battled
some real demons. At one time, I even thought I was
the antichrist. Is there anything more self-centered, and
power hungry, and pathetic than that?

In consideration of the stuff that I was doing at the time,
it was totally against christian beliefs. So even though I
may not have been biblically the antichrist, I was certainly
participating in acts that were not in line at all with following
Christ.

That's how messed up I was. I was skewed, so why
wouldn't my thought process be skewed as well? And
it was. Just as I would begin to feel how scary it was
to be sober, I'd anxiously anticipate the day I could skew
my head back into drunkeness, in order to not let that be
a thought anymore.

I used to tell me people that I was in recovery. My days
of recovery were Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
I'd say it with a smile too, as if I really had everything together.
And I would somehow find a way to cherish it, no matter
how small that recovery was, and tried to use it to my advantage,
as I did practically any other thing at my limited disposal.

When I'd take that very last hit on Saturday at three
or four in the morning, something would kick in. I knew
that with little or no money,the next four or five days would
be tough, and I had to get serious, and buckle down.
Conserve my resources. Which wasn't that hard,
considering there weren't any.

Once I changed gears from getting drunk and high, to
getting a little rest, and doing a few healthy activities like
exercise, and reading some inspirational literature I would
be okay. I'd write a little poetry. Listen to soft music. All I
needed was some time to gain hold of my illusional
willpower. If I could just muster enough, and get my self-
discipline back in order, I'd be alright. But thankfully,
that didn't happen.

And also, there were those rare, and unique times when I
didn't have a penny to my name, and Thursday would go
off without a hitch. I'd think, man this is kinda neat.
Why maybe I can pull this off. Also, to no avail.

That night, I'd have a good meal, maybe get to bed at a
decent hour. Some times I would even run late getting
to the bank to get my check cashed, so that my twisted
idea of recovery could inforced. Without a pocket full
of cash, it was relatively easy. I would even have a few
beers and relax, knowing that I'd made it another day.
Talk about a false sense of security. I was eat up with it.

Then the next day I would be sitting at stop light. In a
split second, with what little resolve I had mustered tossed
to the wind, and a week's salary of cash eating a whole
in my pocket, every idea I had about going a few days
clean would vanish into thin air. I would leave the house
with the best of intentions to go to the grocery store,
and never actually make it to the grocery store.
Sometimes I wouldn't get home until the next day.
And so the cycle continued.

There were times I'd jones for that particular twisted
view of recovery so much, that I craved the calm after
the storm. It was one of the few things that felt real.
Imagine, subconciously wanting to have a hangover
so I could remind myself how awful it was, so that I
would in turn, not want to drink anymore.

To surrender without giving up. To live and let live.
These were phrases plainly spoken to me. Sayings that
I used as life's little mantras when I actively used that I
never had a clue about, but would mention them
nonetheless, as if they were deniable denial; an anthem
excuse for being the drunk that I'd supposedly, refused
to become.

Now, I find that these same sayings are the things
I continue to struggle with in sobriety. But giving
them away, and sharing them, really does help me
to stay sober another day. To realize what they mean.
To say them. To feel them. Its like having an unknown
language translated, right in front of me. But it can only
remain habit-forming, when I commit to it, and practice
it, otherwise it slips away. If I don't use it, I lose it.

Thanks. I hope you don't mind if I share some of it
with you.

[yukonm]

Welcome honeydumplin, Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad you found us. You will find support and encouragement here. Please continue to post.

[Maryann]

Hey all, I am an alcoholic named Maryann from Michigan.
Glad to be here.

[bluidkiti]

Maryann, It is great having you join us here. I hope you will continue to come and share with us.

[captpaulge]

Capt Paulge here in Liberia. Reaching out here to find friends of Bill W.
Hello to my friends here. Boat has not arrived. I've got my crib about ready to move in.
Still rainy season here, This morning water came in the doors and windows like the rising tide.
I am grateful for all the opportunities and friends I'm making.
Peace
Capt Paul

[LookingOut]

Welcome, hd, and thank you for sharing some of your story!

Welcome, Maryann and capt paulge!

[bigcory707]

Hello all.

I found this site on accident but obviously it was meant to me.
I was looking for a topic for an H&I meeting I am doing next week. This site helped a lot.

I will keep coming back

[bluidkiti]

Hi Cory, Glad to have you join us. I look forward to you sharing more with us.

[willbe275]

You and I are We.
WE are stronger than
either One could be.
We are greater then
the sum of Our parts.
WE are joined by Our Souls
and our Hearts. Eternally...We.
From:gina2840

W.O.W 101

[Tx.trailblazer]

Howdy to all! I'm Lori Lynn (Tx.trailblazer) from Texas. I have beensober for 8 year's and I am truly grateful for God's grace and mercy. I'm a work in progress! It's been difficult at times but it most definately gets easier as I travel on this journey of sobriety! I'm always willing to help, listen, pray with/for anyone who needs a friend. It keeps me accountable and in check! Im honest with those that cross my path. So if you are seeking truth... Just know that I don't beat around the bush! Thank God there were others in sobriety that were willing to tell me the truth 8 yrs ago and... Still do today ( whether I want to here it or not). I'd be drunker than Cooter Brown if they would have been dishonest with me! I work with women that are or have been in abusive relationships, addicts, as well as those who are being sex trafficked. I don't have all the answers but I give you my word that I will help anyone who ready for change. I'm not afraid to stand beside someone if they need it or want it. I don't have a problem dragging anyone out of a bad situation. I don't knock on the door of crack houses... I just bust on in! I'd rather die helping someone who wants and needs help than laying awake at night knowing that I could have helped but chose not to! That's just me. I'm crazy and I'm fearless. I've gotten the crap beat out of me because I chose to help those who nobody wants to deal with because of my passion. So be it! I'm by no means a miracle worker but I'm sure not about giving up on anyone either! I will help you, be your friend, defend you when it's justified. All of us addicts are professional liars and masters at manipulating those around us in order to get our way. I'm no different... I just made a choice to not let that little selfish demon that is always waiting for me to slip up and let him out! I can be an angel or the devil himself in disguise so I'm very careful about keeping myself in check. I have been in the past so good at manipulatingand lying that I can almost instantly tell when someoneis trying to do it to me. It takes one to know one, right? Therefore... With that being said... My point is this... I'm always ready and willing to help but at the same time I have learned what discernment means. I have no problem walking away when my sobriety or sanity is in jeopardy! Everything I've learned and am still learning has been the hard way! I always thought I knew it all! News Flash to this little Texan... I actually knew nothing! But by the grace of God.... I'm learning! So may God Bless Each and EVERYONE of you on your journey. And never ever let anyone try to tell you you're worthless or that you cant get clean or stay clean... Because you are very special in more ways than you could ever imagine!!! And... I am here for each and everyone of you! See... This is a "WE" deal!! None of us are ever alone! Now that I've totally blabbed you into boardom.. I'll shut up and apologize... But I'm just a friendly Texan and yes... I talk too much sometimes! Lol.. Peace be with you... If you need an ear... And I'm not on the forum just find me on Fbook. Search for Dirty Boot Recovery. That's me! Blessings and chow for now! ... Lori Lynn Schuerenberg-Schultz ( and no I'm not going to spell check all this!! Lol

[BW1]

Thank You Lori
Grateful to have you on this journey with us