Hello Everyone.

[FirstTimeAround]

Hi everyone. I don't know what I am looking for here, so I'll just ramble for now.

Dad, alcoholic, Mum alcoholic. Mum and Dad split, mum left, returned and dad kicked me out to save his marriage. Mum had 8 year affair and left anyway. Pointless. Mum now dry, Dad still drinking.

Married over 10 years, been an evening drinker almost all the time. Currently dry since Feb 6th, and not really battling, just thoughts of drinking pleasure, no craving, so I can handle it.

Attended AA several times, not keen but reading and following the 12 steps.

W and I went through 6 traumatic events in the last year, before I quit drinking and one afterwards. She's not talking to me, MC cannot help and W is walking out with the kids. Still a lot of tension, never praised me on stopping or talked about it in depth. Think it's over and that's 14 years down the pan. She attended 1 alanon but don't know if she got anything out of it. Could be the backlash to me quitting.

Don't know if it's me, her, time of life or what, or everything. I know I had a meltdown in the last year and has pushed to this point. Not physically abusive when drunk, but not nice, totally detached from her and now I've lost her when I want to try to reconnect and be supported. It's my fault I know, I had my own crisis.

Anyway, that's me, more and more drama going on. Demanding job which means AA is hard to get to, but I need social more than anything, coffee, anything other than being here alone when W has gone, dwelling on how I screwed everything over.

Worst for me is not being able to sleep. That's the main reason in my depression that the drinking took over. I sleep well if drunk. Still in a pit of depression.

In therapy, seeing an IC, MC but going nowhere.

****, I can ramble.

[MajestyJo]

Welcome to the site and thank you for sharing. We do this one day at a time. There is a lot of recovery material on the site, so hope you will be able to identify with some of it.

It is a simple program, but not easy. Don't pick up, no matter what. Substitution doesn't work, it will take you back to your drug of choice.

The 12 Steps are a process, the program is not a quick fix. All we are asked to do is TRY, the last three letters of Just For Today.

Hope you will continue to come and share your journey with us.

[bluidkiti]

First, How are you doing today? Please continue to come and share with us. We are all here for you. Have a great Monday!

[mdmarlene]

First Time Around,
I so relate to you. I been there. I had to learn what it meant to be willing to help myself and go to any length to recover. I had to be convinced that I am an alcoholic and I am the problem. This is life and death. There is a solution in the rooms of AA not in the rooms in my head. And the rooms in my head were usually a bad neighborhood! Ha Ha!
Go to meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps with your sponsor. It is there in the rooms of AA that I learned to find a God of my understanding, take responsibility for my recovery, deal with the past, clean up my side of the street and to be of love and service. One day at a time. And my worst day in recovery was not even close to my best day out there. Thank God for AA were in time I found myself so happy to jump into bed where a full and grateful heart to be alive allowed me to sleep like a baby. I so relate to you about only sleeping well if drunk. I am here to tell you that you too can experience drifting off to sleep with peace and serenity as the most intoxicating remedy. To lie there feeling good knowing that I am taking action not trying...trying was an excuse for me. But to lie there to have not picked up a drink or a drug...to have turned our life over to God and able to say a prayer of thanks as well as take our honest inventory for the day to recognize the changes for the good within ourselves and own up to our sins with a willingness to change....we get better and better beyond our thinking....one day at a time. And to share with self honesty with my sponsor where I learned that I am not alone and I am not bad...I am sick like many and getting well together. The best social scene ever in my life...and lots of coffee.
God knows I found time to sit on a barstool or wait for days on the corner for the drugman or do terrible things to get what I wanted and with no concern about my job or if I would keep it or lose it. I did not try drinking or try drugging...I took action and I drank and drugged and went to any length to continue. An oldtimer pointed this out to me and said well, then you have had alot of practice taking action...so stop trying and take action and go to any length to save your own life. And she said, and thank God you still have a job....many don't. And if you want to see that for yourself...keep coming back. And I have for many years one day at a time. And I continue.
My suggestion to you is to go to meetings and continue and keep coming back. God bless.

[honeydumplin]

For an alcoholic like me, moderation was a mirage.

[MajestyJo]

Never could drink moderately, my drug of choice was more. I picked up the drink, and it took me. Even when I wasn't drinking it, I was thinking about it.

Our disease is an allergy and an obsession of our mind. The body manufactures the pain to tell us we need more. Self justification and rationalization where two of my biggest defects of character.

Thanks everyone for sharing. We can do what I can`t do alone. I tried to quit my way for 8 years, and my way didn`t work. It led to substitution and a lot of dysfunctional relationships.

[MajestyJo]

I too went to recovery. It was my safe place and didn't want to leave after not wanting to be there.

Like all things, everything is subject to life and change, I found myself devastated because my safe place was safe no more. I can't depend on people, places, and things.

A counsellor had come in and put a vanilla bean in the coffee pot. Seems simple and innocent enough, accept that vanilla is a big trigger. It was early morning and I went through a day of hell. My whole body was screaming, my whole thought pattern said, get a drink and wash it away. To handle anger, I drank. How dare she jeopardize my recovery. Again it was about the almighty me!

I ended up calling my sponsor and going to a meeting at night and got through the day. It was the worst day of my recovery. Yet I learned from it, one just because someone is in, they don't always know what is good for me. The woman was a powerful speaker and was a counsellor, who knew a lot about recovery, and I ended up sharing a lot with her in later years. I learned to look at my triggers and how to handle them. I used them as a TOOL to remember when instead of a tool, to take me back out to use. Just because I have a thought, I don't have to act on it.

I don't have to act out in my disease, I can pick up the tools of recovery. Just for today, I don't have to use.

I too learned a lot of helpful things from the recovery house that made for a strong foundation to build my recovery on.