October 10

Quote of the Week

“When I am in my head, I am with the last person I got drunk with.”

This quote reminds me still that my best thinking got me a seat in recovery. That by myself, my solutions to my problems are still self-serving and often driven by fear. Before recovery it was this inner voice that drove me, and just so long as I followed its advice, just that long was I going to remain selfish and alone and drunk. It wasn’t until I surrendered my thinking and let someone else inside that I began to recover.

When I was new to sobriety, I was desperately afraid of telling you what was really going on in my head. If you knew what craziness brewed in there, what resentment, hatred, and despair went through my mind, I was sure you would ban me from the rooms. But you didn’t. When I finally began to reveal myself, something miraculous happened. I was accepted, along with all my thoughts and faults, and I was shown the way to freedom from bondage of self. That path, I learned, was to let others in.
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I was taught right from the beginning that this was a “we” program, and for me to recover I needed to find someone I could tell the truth to. By letting others know what was really going on inside my head and by surrendering my thoughts and actions to God, I began to change. And as I continued to take contrary action to what my head told me to do, I began, one day at a time, to overcome my character defects. By growing in this way, I began feeling a part of the fellowship and a part of life. Today I try to stay out of my head, because when I’m alone with myself, I know that I’m with the last person I got drunk with – and that’s still not a good thing.

October 17

Quote of the Week

“Pain transformed by the Twelve Steps is no longer pain transmitted.”

When I came into the program I carried a lot of pain with me. There was the pain from living daily in an abusive alcoholic household, then the pain from an oppressive and emotionally abusive stepfather, and then years of self-inflicted drug and alcohol abuse. The pain I had was palpable, and every relationship I had felt the impact of my pain. I was passive aggressive at work, jealous and tyrannical in relationships, and towards myself I was self-destructive and resentful.

When I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, the Step I feared the most was Step Four. To me, doing a Fourth Step was like climbing down a ladder into a pit of pain and shame and fear that I was sure was going to swallow me up. I couldn’t imagine that there was another side of that darkness, and it took months for me to complete that fearless and thorough inventory. Once through the Step Five, however, I began to see a new light in my life, and I began to sense the freedom I had heard others in the program talk about.
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Through working the rest of the Steps, I was able to shine the light of a healing and loving Higher Power on the pain and secrets that fueled my character defects. As I made amends, my connection to others, to God, and to myself was restored. As the promises came true for me I realized that the Twelve Steps had transformed not only my pain, but my whole life. For the first time ever I was able to live comfortably in my own skin, and today what I have to transmit is experience, strength and hope.

October 24

Quote of the Week

“I’ve never regretted something I didn’t say…”

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me when I arrived in the rooms. Before recovery I was quick to speak my mind even when my mind wasn’t made up – it didn’t matter. I was quick to retaliate for perceived wrongs, quick to take your inventory when I was feeling less than, and quick to tear you down to make myself feel better. And if I had been drinking, the insults, judgements and condemnations flowed even more. Afterwards, regret was heavy and the familiar feelings of shame would descend forcing me to retreat into the bottle once again.

When I got sober I heard the saying that feelings weren’t facts. As such, I was told that I didn’t have to act on every feeling I had, instead I could write about it, pray about it, and share them with other people. I could restrain from acting on them and wait until I had a clear direction as to how to react. What I found was that nine times out of ten the feelings would pass, and I was glad I hadn’t acted on them. I was also relieved that I had less regrets because I hadn’t said hurtful things.

Now that I’m sober a while I still have to be constantly vigilant about acting on or saying things that I might regret later. For instance, in my new neighborhood, a neighbor’s dog barks pretty much constantly and I’m pretty annoyed. I’ve written a letter expressing how I feel, but I haven’t delivered it yet. As time passes I’ve been very relieved as I know I’ve avoided the guilt and shame that I would feel if the neighborhood discovered I was the letter writer. And besides, when I’m in my house, I don’t even hear the dog!

Today I really feel the truth in the words: “I’ve never regretted something I didn’t say…”

October 31

Quote of the Week

“Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?”

This quote could easily have said “thought” or “worried” about it as much as “talked” about it. That’s because before recovery that’s all I did with my problems. Around and around I’d go, rehashing problems, painting the same dark scenarios and obsessing myself into depression. And if you were around, I’d drag you down with me. Because I didn’t have a Higher Power in my life, there was never the thought of turning it over. Instead, it was just me and my problems – or worse – my solutions to my problems.

When I entered recovery, I was taught that I no long had to be alone. First, I discovered a fellowship of other alcoholics who had overcome the same problems I had, and they offered suggestions and solutions that had worked for them. Next I was introduced to the Twelve Steps which offered a way out of my old self and my old thinking. Finally, I found my Higher Power and through much practice I came to believe that He could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Once I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God, my life changed.

Through prayer and meditation I have learned how to strengthen my conscious contact with God, and I have been given the gift of a transformed life and way of living. Today, I know that I am no longer alone, and that I no longer have to carry a burden or problem by myself. My Higher Power is always there and ready to help if I am willing to turn my will and life over to Him.

Today when I find myself talking or thinking or worrying too much, I remember to start praying. The right solutions always come when I do.

November 7

Quote of the Week

“I want to be a doctor, but I don’t want to become a doctor.”

When I was in my disease I was driven by a huge sense of entitlement. Rather than be a good partner in a relationship, I just did what I wanted and expected my girlfriends to put up with me. At work I felt my employer was lucky to have me show up – so I didn’t understand when he got angry when I was late or when I did a mediocre job. In college I expected good grades because I paid my tuition and even took notes sometimes. In everything I did, I expected the top end result even if I wasn’t willing to work for it. My attitude was, “don’t you know who I am?”

When I entered the program, I had hit an emotional, physical, and spiritual bottom. When I persisted in magical, selfish thinking and complained to my sponsor that I didn’t want to get sober, I already wanted to be sober, he told me that like everything else, there were no short cuts. He told me that if I wanted to have the experience and sense of ease and comfort that comes from being recovered, then I had to do what everyone else did in the program: I had to work the Steps, one day at a time. He told me that if I was willing to do that, then I would experience the miracle of the program.
By following my sponsor’s direction and working all Twelve Steps, and by writing additional inventories, making amends to others (and myself), and by asking God to remove the character defects that have kept me apart from others, I came to understand the value of putting in the time and effort. Today I know that if I want to attain something, or become something, then I can – as long as I’m willing to work for it. And by learning the lessons of the program – like breaking down seemingly impossible goals into the next indicated actions, by suiting up and showing up, and by turning the results over to my Higher Power, I’ve been able to build an amazing life – all one day at a time.

November 14

Quote of the Week

“Keep it green so you don’t forget where you came from.”

Before recovery I had an amazing ability to recover from a night’s – or a weekend’s – worth of debauchery. While one day I might swear off that kind of behavior with various promises to never drink that much again, or never do that kind of thing again, but inevitably I’d forget the pain and demoralization and do it all over again. Having the physical ability to recover was good, but not being able to remember the ugly consequences and not being able to control my drinking or other abuses which led to them caused my life to become unmanageable. Finally, I surrendered.
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When I entered the program and got sober, the familiar cycle began again. After 30 days I began to feel great physically, and I began to forget about my inability to control my drinking. Soon I was thinking that while there had been some bad incidents lately, these were isolated and surely now that I had some time and knew more about alcoholism, I could be more careful and could probably control and enjoy my drinking again. My sponsor suggested I work my First Step more thoroughly by writing exhaustive inventories, and then move into the Second and Third Steps. Most of all, he recommended I didn’t drink one day at a time.

Boy am I glad I didn’t. What I found is that the more sober I got, the more I realized how bad things were for me. I also learned that alcoholism is the only disease that tells you that you don’t have it, and that every night while I sleep it’s in the closet doing push-ups getting stronger and waiting for me to let my guard down. It chills me still when I hear of people going back out after long term sobriety. To avoid that terrible fate, I’ve been taught to keep doing the things that got my life good – attending meeting regularly, helping others, etc. – rather than the things that got good. Regularly doing so allows me to keep it green, and that’s a good thing because I don’t ever want to forget where I came from.

November 21

Quote of the Week

“If you are struggling to make a decision, do the right thing.”

Before recovery all my decisions were easy because they were all based on self. I choose the job that paid me the most with the least amount of effort – it didn’t matter that it was illegal. I choose relationships where I could get all my selfish needs met, regardless of the other person’s feelings or wants. I choose to spend my money on whatever my ego wanted, without a thought to savings or prudence or retirement. All those decisions based on self-centeredness didn’t get me what I thought I wanted; instead, they resulted in me hitting a bottom and driving me into the program.

When I started working the Steps I began looking at my character defects and examining the causes and conditions that led to the wreckage of my life. I learned that self-seeking and self-centeredness was the natural state of an alcoholic, and that I would go on making poor choices and decisions unless I was willing to humble myself and surrender. It was hard to turn a whole life of selfishness around, and rebellion did indeed dog my every step, but with the constant support of my sponsor, the Steps and a God of my understanding, I slowly changed.

Today when I have a decision to make, I still think about myself but I also think about how my actions will impact others. Today I have the awareness and the willingness to consult others and think through the consequences of my actions – before I take them. Today I’m aware – for the first time – that I have a choice between my old thinking and selfish choices and the right way to handle things. And today when I’m struggling to make a decision, I think about what the right thing to do is, and with God’s help I do it.
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And this allows me to live happy, joyous and free.

November 28

Quote of the Week

“Keep it simple; get stupid.”

I’m a pretty complicated person. I not only tend to think about things, I like to over think them. “What if this or that happens?” Is one of my favorites. “What will he or she do and what will/can I do if they do?” On and on my obsessive thinking goes, questioning, worrying, doubting, and always trying to manipulate situations to get what I think I want. And it’s not only this way with problems. I’ll question and think my way out of good solutions as well. I am too smart for my own good, and I seemingly have little interest in simple suggestions.

When I entered the program, I saw a sign on the meeting room walls that said, “Keep it simple.” I didn’t agree and started arguing with people as I tried to think my way around the Steps. And that’s when someone suggested that I “get stupid.” At first I was offended, but then he explained that no one could pour solutions into me if my cup was already full of my own bad ideas. He said that by keeping my focus on the simple things like attending meetings, not drinking one day at a time, reading the literature, etc., that I would discover an easier, softer way and my life would get better.
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It took a lot of work to “get stupid,” but I found that the simpler I made things, the easier my life became. The more I “let go and let God,” the less I had to try to control, manipulate and force my will on things. By resigning from the committee in my head and becoming humble enough to admit that perhaps I didn’t know better after all, the more comfortable I became in my own skin. Today I can still complicate any problem or situation if I think about it too much. But then I remember the wisdom of “getting stupid,” and I am soon amazed by how simple the solutions really are.

December 5

Quote of the Week

“I have a God shaped hole.”

For most of my life I have felt an emptiness in my core. As a child I tried to fill this emptiness with constant TV watching or by pigging out on candy. When I discovered alcohol and drugs, I devoured both trying to fill the void I felt. When I began my professional career I used the money I made to fill the hole by buying cars, clothes and other material items. The horrible thing is that nothing worked. No matter how much I ate or drank or bought, the desperate feeling of emptiness never went away.

When I entered recovery, I began hearing others talk about a similar hole they felt as well. I heard familiar tales of obsessive use and abuse of alcohol and other things all in an attempt to fill that hole. No matter how much or in what combination they tried, nothing worked. Everyone still felt irritable, restless and discontented. I heard many people say they felt like others were given the operating manual to life but they didn’t get one. I felt that same way for most of my life, too.

As I made my way through the Twelve Steps, my feeling of emptiness began to subside. The deeper into the journey I went, the more my hole seemed to get filled. The closer I got to my Higher Power, the more centered and fulfilled I became. As I talked to others about this I was told that all my life I had a God shaped hole, and that I had been trying to fill it with the wrong things. Only a surrender and connection to God could ever fill the emptiness I felt. As I poured His love and light into my life, I felt whole for the first time.
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Today I know that I have a God shaped hole and only continued conscious contact will keep me whole and happy.

December 12

Quote of the Week

“Trying to pray is the same thing as praying.”

I didn’t pray or meditate much before I got sober. If I did pray, it was either to keep me from getting into trouble, or to get me out of the trouble my selfish or self-seeking behavior got me into. As far as meditation went, my mind was way too busy for that. Besides, I had parties to go to. As my life spun out of control, I had very little tools to help me deal with the emptiness and desperation I felt most of the time. Finally, alone and afraid, I reached the bottom of my life, and that’s when I finally surrendered.

When I began attending meetings, I heard a lot about prayer and meditation. I thought I was screwed because I didn’t know how to do either one. My sponsor was very patient with me and told me to just start by talking to God. When I told him how angry I was with Him for letting my life get so bad, he encouraged me to tell God about it. He told me that God could handle anything I might say to Him. So I did. I yelled and cursed and told God off. When I sheepishly told my sponsor some of the things I had been telling God, he smiled and said, “At least you’re finally talking to Him.” And that’s when I began to get better.

Today I know that God doesn’t care how you talk to Him, only that you are talking to Him. My awkward attempts at prayer counted, too, because at least I was praying. And each time I tried to meditate – for a minute or fifteen minutes – I still felt better because finally I was meditating. Today I know that any effort I make to connect with God is rewarded because God is always there, always listening.
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Today I know that trying to pray is the same thing as praying

December 19

Quote of the Week

“When I’m filled up with me, there is no room for God.”

This quote reminds me of the story of a novice who once met with a Zen master for tea. As he went on and on about everything he thought he knew about the practice and meaning of Zen, the master just kept pouring tea into his cup until it overflowed onto the tray. The master then just kept pouring. Finally, shocked, the novice stopped talking and asked the master why he continued pouring when the cup was obviously full. The master replied, “You are like the cup. Your mind is so full of ideas and preconceptions that I cannot pour anything new into it.” The master then stood up and left.

When I got into recovery, I was also a novice. In the beginning, I was so full of my own selfish ideas, needs, and demands that I couldn’t take much recovery in. The best I could do was to stay sober one day at a time. Thankfully, this was enough for me to realize that I didn’t have all the answers, and by continuing to come to meetings I became humble enough to listen and learn a new way of life. By working the Steps I was slowly able to empty myself of me, and this created room for God to come into my life.

Today it’s still easy for me to get wrapped up in my own life, my old ideas and silly demands. What saves me, what always works to empty myself of me is to work with others. As soon as I get together with a sponsee or with someone else at a meeting, I am instantly emptied of ego, and into that void God rushes in. Suddenly I become calm, useful, and genuinely concerned with helping somebody else. And it is in this state that the miracle of recovery takes place. They say Alcoholics Anonymous is simply one drunk taking to another, and that is the simple truth and power of the program.
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But it all starts by emptying myself of me and allowing God in.

December 26

Quote of the Week

“Half measures do avail us something – it’s just the half we don’t want.”

Before recovery I was a master of “half measuring” in my life and what I got was the half I didn’t want. At work I arrived late, did just enough to get by and was the first to leave. The result is that I was fired a lot. In relationships I paid attention just enough to get what I wanted and wasn’t very interested in doing what she wanted to do. The result is my relationships didn’t last very long. I half measured my way through school, with my family, with my health, and the results I got were always the half I didn’t want.

In the beginning of the program, I was half measuring it as well. I showed up late, sat in the back, didn’t help clean up and wouldn’t go to fellowship. After complaining to my sponsor that the program wasn’t working, he quickly pointed to my half measure attempts and the half measure results I was getting. If you want to be happy, joyous and free, he told me, then I’d have to give the program everything I had.

Once I became willing to do whatever it took to get and maintain sobriety, things did begin to change. When I arrived early and greeted people, I became known and felt a part of. When I started sharing what was really going on, I felt better. And when I really worked the Steps, I began to recover and the desire to drink and use lessened and finally left me.
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Today I no longer half measure my way through life, and because of that I get to enjoy the full benefits of everything I do…