Laughter, Smiles, and Chuckles

[MajestyJo]

It's All In How You Look At It..

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?

6) POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's underwear."

[MajestyJo]

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/836154965/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/281066386/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/182314948/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/1736904988/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/2102828581/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/706851905/name/n_a

[MajestyJo]

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/75489491/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/1310873271/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/226415542/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/1459478252/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/1424055224/name/n_a

http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/11286334/sn/911691725/name/n_a

[MajestyJo]

Still haven't made it to my bed, was checking out my mail.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/p320x320/1148785_10151604694807545_202272938_n.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Two women talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-cartoons/0022.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-pigs/0195.gif

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.


"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"


You're gonna LOVE me for this....

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/

\/


The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

[MajestyJo]

Laugh and Take Care of Business

This is a cute way to send "the" message! There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way to it! Finally, here's something other than smiley faces.....

Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( - )( - )
Androi d Breasts o o
Martha Stewart's Breasts (?)(?)
Mammogramed Breasts ___ ___

And God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?" And God created man!

OK Girls -- now that you have had your laugh, remember...
Breast Cancer Awareness... go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy!

Recovery is about self-care. Remember be kind to yourself, you are worthwhile.


MAY IT BE UDDERLY WONDERFUL

[MajestyJo]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and sa ys, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

http://angelwinks.net/images/animatedpod/animatedpod1125.gif

[MajestyJo]

She was so blonde . . .
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says
"Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She was Sooooo blonde...
She took the ruler to bed to see how long
she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She was sooooooo blonde...
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
can because it said "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was soooooooooooo blonde...
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22
twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.


She was sooooooooooooooooooooo blonde...

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur
around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be
speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio
in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought
stood for "This Goes In Front."


AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone
company.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/holidays-seasons-greetings/71.gif

[MajestyJo]

The Twelve Cats of Christmas

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gif

On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree
My 12 cats were laughing at me.

On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
3 Missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
7 half dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.



On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
8 shattered ornaments
7 half dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.


On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
9 chewed through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me

On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree
12 cats a-climbing
11 broken branches
10 tinsel hairballs
9 chewed through light strings
8 shattered ornaments
7 half dead rodents
6 fallen angels
5 shredded gifts
4 males a-spraying
3 missing Wise Men
2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-holidays/0002.gif

~Author Unknown~

[MajestyJo]

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was sthingyed on each plate.

The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Myrtle, our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

Fred, a strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social-security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best.

Merry Christmas

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/christmas-cartoons/0027.gifhttp://www.animated-gifs.eu/christmas-cartoons/0030.gif

[MajestyJo]

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a faulty memory.

- Cary S.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/animals-cats-dogs/0005.gif

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, SHE'S UP"!

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/computing-computers-users/0005.gif

[MajestyJo]

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSbThrbuzR1mc8NSUaZfksDtn4JzcWAb AtZQ4tBdJAQfjDSPjw

Click on Ctrl Minus (-) to decrease and Ctrl Plus (+) to enlarge.

[MajestyJo]

2 2 funny

[MajestyJo]

A drunk named Eric is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns the corner and sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it. He realizes there's another directly in his path!

He discovers his drive home is causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears a police siren and stops his car.

The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth are you doing.

Eric starts to tell the story of the trees on the road.

The officer stops him in mid sentence and says...



For goodness sake Eric, that's your air freshener!


So often, our magic magnifying mind, sees things all out of proportion. You can`t talk to a drunk, he saw what he saw and you can`t convince them otherwise.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/trees/0028.gif

[MajestyJo]

S O M E T I M E S

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o34/TheBratFactor/Quotes/Butterfly.jpg

Sometimes....when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes....when you are in pain....
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes....when you are worried....
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes....when you are happy....
no one sees your smile.
-
-
-
But FART !! just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody notices!!
And You thought this was going to be one of those
heart-touching stories!


Send this on to your friends if they
need a Laugh

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJYmsaIPoB72EwnuHIkPuwRQUThYJM8 VIXseuoCXW-Rl-_ITSJ

[MajestyJo]

Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her û believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,
"Will this matter one year from now?"
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/characters-momoko/0003.gif

[MajestyJo]

A little late for the season, but still funny!

What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
Two points, just like anyone else.

Why do rabbits do so well at school?
They're experts at multiplication.

How do bunnies stay healthy?
Eggercise

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

How do you catch a unique bunny?
UNIQUE UP ON IT!

What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM?
The Easter Elephant.

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite kind of music?
Hip hop!

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-easter/0019.gif

[MajestyJo]

Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts:

It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling.

You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.


And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the
gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right?

Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that
what's important?

Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a
big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the
furniture and my nose.


Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the
bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet?

I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:

To: Master of the house
From: Hamster
Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath?

She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.

Yours truly,

T. Dog

[MajestyJo]

SEX AT 83

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 83!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 81.....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-critters/0033.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.angelwinks.net/images/garfield/garfield36.gif

I don't do mornings well.

http://www.angelwinks.net/images/garfield/garfield37.gif

Where you talking to me?

http://www.angelwinks.net/images/garfield/garfield26.gif

Don't even go there!

http://www.angelwinks.net/images/garfield/garfield31.gif

Oh Lord it is hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.net/images/kidpod/kidpod1155.jpg

http://angelwinks.net/images/humorpod/humorpod61.gif

[MajestyJo]

The Blonde Kidnapper!

This blonde was really down on her luck, needed some big time cash quick so she decided that she was going to have to become a kidnapper.

She goes to a playground and grabs a ten year old boy. Then she writes out the ransom note, saying...

"I've kidnapped your son. Place ten thousand dollars in small bills in a paper bag and place it under the slide at the playground by 9 tomorrow morning."

....signed, "The Blonde Kidnapper"

She pins the ransom note to the boy's shirt and sends him home.

The next morning she shows up at the playground shortly after 9, and sure enough there's a paper bag under the slide. She opens the bag containing the ten thousand in cash and a note:

"How could you do such a thing to another blonde!?!"

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/dolls-blond/0064.gif

[MajestyJo]

Ain't it the truth!?

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 157 years ago?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except
the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Received with thanks from my friend Daryl.

Posted on another site on Jul 23, 2007

This reminds me of all the old tapes and thou shall nots that I grew up with. Those things you didn't mention, talk about or let on that you knew anything about.

Those feeling you didn't act on and stuffed. Those actions you wanted to take, but didn't because it wasn't considered "proper."

What is reality? How can it be real if it is not mentioned or acknowledged?

The lack of emotion and showing that you cared. I was not huggable when I came into recovery. I use to say, "I don't do hugs." Today, I ask, "Do you do hugs?" I feel like I brought the hug to AA. That may be an ego thing, but there weren't very many of them going around when I got here several twenty-four hours ago.

As they say in NA, "Hugs not drugs!" What ever your drug of choice may be. (Work, food, gambling, computer, relationships, alcohol, drugs, exercise, religion, etc......) My drug of choice was always more.

A little low on the hugs these days, that is why I like all the pictures available on line. ;)

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-beavers/0038.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.net/images/humorpod/humorpod91.gif

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/cartoons-peanuts/0096.gif

[MajestyJo]

If you need a laugh today, this should take care of it and if it doesn't, nothing will.

Brain What???

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

Received from my friend in April 2013, one of over 1,000 e-mail I had sitting in my Yahoo a/c. I couldn't remember the password, I thought the account was closed. Not sure if my sites are open or closed, the joke just may be on me.

Live with a heart full of dreams
Love from the depth of your soul
Embrace every moment of laughter

God Bless You... Your Sister in CHRIST & Recovery ~ Dana

[MajestyJo]

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems..
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Libbi Stuffle

Always good to read again!

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.net/images/humorpod/humorpod41.gif

It isn't so much what you say as how you say it.

[MajestyJo]

Almost embarrassed to post this, but can't resist. A lady told me this on the elevator this morning.

Why did the apple go to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling well!

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/fruits-apples/0041.gif

[MajestyJo]

A young girl was watching her grandmother wipe cold cream all over her face.

She asked..."Why are you doing that?"

Grandma answered.."I want to make myself beautiful"

Then she wiped off the cold cream.

The little girl then said..."Are you giving up already?"

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/kids/0115.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod66.gif

[MajestyJo]

3 Holy Men and 3 Bears

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.

The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.

And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

[MajestyJo]

This could be a rerun, but don't know where it is posted.


She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.

She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD great or what!?!

[MajestyJo]

Mathematician: How do you write 4 in between 5?

The Chinese: Is this a joke?
The Japanese: Impossible!
The German: The question is all wrong!
The British: It cannot be found on the Internet
The French: Ce n'est pas possible !
And the Italian?

……….. scroll down ………













Italian: F(IV)E



This is the reason why Italians are everywhere in the world: in finance, business, medicine, politics, architecture, law, teaching, engineering....



Never Argue with a Woman


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book..

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?''Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think.

--

Andrew J. Di Liddo, Jr.

“I am only one, but still I am one, I cannot do everything but I can do something and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something I can do.” E.E.Hale

[MajestyJo]

A private jet arrives at Heathrow International Airport and Donald Trump strides to a waiting limousine which drives him to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. From there, they are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to Trump saying, "Mr. Trump, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Trump, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[MajestyJo]

An old one, but it still brings a smile to my face.

The Winter Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ' Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said,' I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years

[MajestyJo]

This is probably a repeat, but came across it at another site:

he wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14.. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong
lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all
fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar
of Jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Received with thanks from my friend Carey

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/christmas-happy/0023.gif

[MajestyJo]

Question:
How many hormonal women does it take to change a light bulb?


Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the f**king light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THAT THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF CRAP THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!


IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE FREAKING TOILET PAPER
ROLL!!


I'm sorry. What was the question?


An old one, but still a goodie!

[MajestyJo]

The Dead Cow and Vet School

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-farm/0053.gif

[MajestyJo]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/1960025_1092119730905774_8985834607515410896_n.jpg ?oh=5eb71556ee6bbf66d41ab105f2d5ae69&oe=572979FA

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-9/10360442_743754795726699_7085842693866987929_n.jpg ?oh=a8ae15bfe1d22e2655e208e9f0c4a566&oe=56FED5BA

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12548944_688615257947872_5312147174513762946_n.jpg ?oh=397235ad61681604263bb9a1c4c0e583&oe=5742D0B4

[MajestyJo]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpl1/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/12523983_1018632648245698_8234276451352544297_n.jp g?oh=0cad953607d50e8f4d93025dbe6e7fd2&oe=578F5DF5

[MajestyJo]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12933116_855079884617557_3053242497008618719_n.jpg ?oh=4466fd3486748187664434713d87b5e5&oe=5779E395

Ironic, my name is Pipe Kills. When I stopped smoking, I found out I was allergic to smoke.

[bluidkiti]

Jumping rabbit :)

[MajestyJo]

My son is Shield Standing. He sure puts up a shield against anything that speaks of recovery.

[MajestyJo]

http://www.angelwinks.webby.com/images/giggle1.jpg

http://www.angelwinks.webby.com/images/giggle2.jpg

http://www.angelwinks.webby.com/images/giggle6.jpg

[MajestyJo]

How difficult it is for some of us to let go, even if it is something that is not good for us.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod35.gif

[MajestyJo]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had NO body to go with! :D
The song they sing at a snow man's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow! :D

How does a ginger bread man make his bed? With cookie sheets! :D

[MajestyJo]

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a
dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the
preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the
sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without
authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the
pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to
bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

[MajestyJo]

Oldies, but still goodies.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

"I outlived the b*tches."

[MajestyJo]

Dumb Blonde Joke

A Blonde and a Lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question:

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library Of Congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[MajestyJo]

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags ;D

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes ;D

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap.

Smiling. This list is why I stopped colouring my hair and letting it go natural. I was born a brunette!

[MajestyJo]

This may be a repeat but I am too tired to look. Still working on the two hours sleep.

The Rules For Being Human

Cherie Carter-Scott

1) You will receive a body..
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period of time around.

2) You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.

3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation.
The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4) A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it, you can them go on to the next lesson.

5) Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6) "There" is no better than "here".
When you are "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here".

7) Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8) What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9)Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to Life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10) YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS.

http://www.funtasticecards.com/postcard/images/funny-cat-cartoon-poor-gorilla-joke.gif

[MajestyJo]

This may not seem like a smile, but I can go back and laugh at myself.

How true! This was something I didn't want to allow myself. People repeatedly seemed to be saying, "Well you are only human you know!" That wasn't acceptable to me. I could not always be perfect and right but I felt that it was my job in recovery to be the best me I could be each day. I didn't always live up to my expectations and I learned not to beat myself up for falling short of who and what I wanted to be, and yet I felt better within me for having tried.

Before recovery, I didn't try. I had given up on life and I got to the stage where I was sick and tired of being tired and sick. I have been back there a few times since then and it is not a good place to be. Thank God for this program.

Laughter is the good medicine as they say in Reader's Digest. They use to be bathroom stationary back when we had an outhouse on the farm. ;)

[MajestyJo]

FOR THOSE WHO NEED A LITTLE TIME AWAY FROM THE GRIND STONE AND A SMILE.


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Received with thanks from my friend Carey in Texas

[MajestyJo]

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

The mind of a six year old is wonderful!

Here's a First Grade true story...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man
with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
probably said 'Holy nuts! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

http://www.lovethispic.com/uploaded_images/thumbs/111890-Have-A-Good-Day-.gif

[MajestyJo]

https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/13699996_1216553231720702_8644179360122185777_n.jp g?oh=180e24efc8aae116b439fcd2fcc3a2c1&oe=58588722

[MajestyJo]

Got this from my niece of FB.

https://scontent-yyz1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13934564_10157291452210615_2347811258865828171_n.j pg?oh=822dabfd12edf5510c8460783b492efd&oe=585ED82B

[MajestyJo]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p480x480/14202788_1067247683352515_2262000900081909660_n.jp g?oh=de3cc6289c59eaba876c52c6470255e7&oe=5844021E

[MajestyJo]

They say, "It never rains but it pours." Life is like that sometimes.

Make like a duck, and let things slide off your back or better still, use protection, use an umbrella.

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14222241_10157741678730221_10077753228252360_n.jpg ?oh=f1a1d8987aa0dc184a4e1f840e0b69cc&oe=58861123

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod93.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.angelwinks.ca/iq/chqc35.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.angelwinks.ca/iq/chqc36.jpg

[MajestyJo]

OK so the Olympics were fun and its all great seeing various clips of back stories etc but i never thought i would find any reporting i enjoyed. But this one i could not resist (re)posting.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Start the day out with a smile and have a great one!!

Received with thanks from my friend Linda

[MajestyJo]

Snagged this from FB. I have seen it before, but still just 2 2 funny.

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"

Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98.

After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."

[MajestyJo]

Denial keeps us sick. I look in the mirror and I see old, but most days, I don't feel it, unless I can't think and work through my pain.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod47.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod13.gif

[MajestyJo]

Had this on a post that I deleted because the link no longer worked. I find it funny, so didn't want to delete it.

I am looking at it from a retirement point of view. When I retired I was the busiest person doing nothing that I knew.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod74.gif

[MajestyJo]

I man and his blonde wife were listening to a weather report on the radio. The announcer said.."We are expecting a foot of snow tonight. We ask all of you to park you cars on the side of the street with even numbered addresses so the snowplows can get down the street. She put her car on the even numbered side.

A few weeks later...another announcement: We are expecting a foot of snow tonight. Would youplease park yuo car on the street on the odd numbered address side so the snowplows can get thru.. She moved her car there.

A few weeks later she was listening again. The announcer said..We are expection another foot of snow tonight. Would you please park your cars.......... and the electricity went off.

She turned to her husband and said..Where shall I park my car? I could no hear the end of the announcement. The husband smiled and said..Why not just leave it in the garage this time.

http://www.angelwinks.ca/iq/chqc39.jpg

[MajestyJo]

An old-timer spoke about the danger of becoming
complacent and explained the need for the Steps
in her life. "The way I see it," she said,
"I might have gotten the monkey off my back,
but the circus is still in town."

~!~!~!~!~

A drunk had applied for a driver's license in a new state.
One of the test questions read,
"Have you ever been arrested for drunk driving?"
He replied in the negative. Just below that,
there was another question: "Why?"
He puzzled over it for a moment and then wrote,
"Never been caught."

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod10.gif

[MajestyJo]

Cute joke..what do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bug Bunny.

https://tse2.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.M2216cc58e9eff237779cabb43e995822H0&pid=15.1&P=0&w=300&h=300

[MajestyJo]

A woman watched her husband stand on the scale. He was trying to suck in his gut. She told him that would not help. He said yes it will...it helps me see the numbers.

[MajestyJo]

St Patrick's day joke...what does a leprechaun put on his porch? Paddy O'furniture!

http://www.commentnation.com/comments/happy_st_pattys_day_with_shamrocks.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod83.gif

[dwmoeller]

When was Rome built?

At night.

Why do you say that?

Because Rome wasn't built in a day.

[SteveD]

Dave I think your joke about Rome is hilarious :38:
I'm going to text it to my grandson
He will love it

Jo I love your pillow/software joke :38:
I'm going to ask my wife if she will embroider it on a pillow case
Too funny :1:

Ok here's my joke for the day:
Back in my drinking daze - a pink polka dotted alligator, a purple snake, a green monkey and a laughing hyena all walked into a bar.
The bar tender said, "Sorry fellas, Steve's not here yet". :11:

:86:

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod34.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod48.gif

Don't know why they have winter in June. I think it is a repeat; but still funny to me.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qccartoonboysnowshoveling.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod78.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod80.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod88.gif

A rerun I think, but still makes me chuckle.

[MajestyJo]

From my friend in Texas, a rerun, but this is his version.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies.

Wait for it
..... ...











It's coming ...... ...













The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She Said

'You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye.'


(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

[MajestyJo]

That is how she rolls.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod91.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod92.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcbathwoes1.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod3.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod12.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod14.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/generalpod/generalpod1208.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod37.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod38.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod46.gif

[MajestyJo]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM AN ADDICT???

https://media.giphy.com/media/T6vKzpyx3kgCs/giphy.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qccarly352.jpg

The nice thing is, we don't have to let a bad moment ruin the whole day. A day can start any time.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod10.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod12.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcwrinkleddogbath2.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod25.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod33.gif

[MajestyJo]

What a mother will do to defend her chicks.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/nostalgicpod/nostalgicpod33.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod34.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod37.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod38.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcpig386.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod53.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcbabyndoll.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod59.gif

[dwmoeller]

HERE ARE SOME OXYMORONS (two contradictory words):

Jumbo Shrimp
Same Difference
Pretty Ugly
Definite Maybe
Seriously Funny
Found Missing
Clearly Confused
Open Secret

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod62.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod63.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.angelwinks.ca/iq/chqc35.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod67.gif

[YanKeeGal]

:85::1::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rollin g::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::ro lling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling ::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rol ling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling: :rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::roll ing::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling::rolling:: rolling::rolling::rolling::84::coffee:

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod69.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod77.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod80.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod81.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod86.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.timepass69.com/uploads/photos/2010/February/funny_cartoons_made_by_funny_people3.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod88.gif

Smiling, that was me today. I didn`t wear a bag, but I did wear a tam.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod89.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod90.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod2.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qccartoonsnowontongue1.jpg

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod3.gif

[bluidkiti]

:38: Love the never catch a snowflake one. lol

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod4.gif


I know this is a rerun, but one of the all time favorite of mine.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qccartoonboysnowshoveling.jpg

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod8.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod10.gif

She is a rerun. She is still a pretty lady.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod11.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod18.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod19.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod23.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcpiggyluvsu.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod25.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod26.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod27.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod28.gif

HAPPY EASTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS EARLY. SHOW SOME LOVIN'!!!

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcwrinkleddogbath2.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod33.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcangrywetcat1.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod36.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod39.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod41.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod42.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcdog283.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod45.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod47.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod52.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod55.gif

“What kind of dancing might you do in a sink?”
Tap dancing.

[MajestyJo]

THERE IS ALWAYS A DIFFERENT WAY OF LOOKING AT THINGS!

https://media.giphy.com/media/26ufgeams5QjrrZp6/source.gif

BEST I GET OFF LINE BEFORE I GET ANY CRAZIER.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod60.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcbabyndoll.jpg

I think it is funny. I was trying to format the post and I got double centers each time I tried. Not sure if the key stuck or my tremon disorder tapped the key twice. but I cloned my format.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/kidpod/kidpod1209.jpg

[MajestyJo]

CLEANSE THE BODY MIND AND SPIRIT!

https://i.chzbgr.com/full/4178397952/h38D54AFE/

[MajestyJo]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT_t5NTlrky5wbijht6wtWytUh67BfxN qkYyEJNPy8-OPYQNbTOoA

http://weclipart.com/gimg/BE82AF238BEC8AC2/animated-frog-image-0004.gif

https://media.giphy.com/media/l0HlAqa1TukYusGAw/giphy.gif

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJBmemhbzU4LmZ6PRYEvG2D67HDr9cU jiitTsTXkFHi0mWOltp

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTnMzUqJ8efc5fx3IOQt_SmT89SR-7mdrehOU7wRJUMpu6hUwSu

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod74.gif

[MajestyJo]

https://media.giphy.com/media/NUZBc1v3GI6ME/giphy.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod78.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod83.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod84.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod85.gif

[MajestyJo]

Saw this at my chiropractor's office yesterday. Surprised I remember it in today.


Do you know why angels fly so fast???


Because they take a "Hare" plane.


https://jones4567.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/dye-job.jpg?w=650

https://memegenerator.net/img/instances/55623459/it-was-a-yoke-joke.jpg

[MajestyJo]

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/miscellaneous-pun-stories-joker-boiled_egg-joking-mfln5936_low.jpg

http://baddogneedsrottenhome.com/images/emails/5346996441c8f.jpg

https://s3.amazonaws.com/lowres.cartoonstock.com/money-banking-invest-investments-finance-retirement-portfolio-dcrn1222_low.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod93.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod4.gif

This is a repeat, but every time I see it I have to laugh.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod6.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod8.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/generalpod/generalpod1283.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/animatedpod/animatedpod1202.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod15.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod21.gif

[MajestyJo]

THIS IS A RERUN, HAVEN'T BEEN POSTING DUPLICATES BUT THIS IS PRICELESS!

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcangels475.jpg

DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE!

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod42.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod45.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod49.gif

Q. Why is a bee’s hair always sticky? A. Because it uses a honey comb!

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod52.gif

What is red and smells like blue paint?


Red paint.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod53.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod57.gif

When I see a kid acting out, I always want to say, "Who is the parent here?a

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcbathwoes1.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod65.gif

A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him:"I have two news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news . With which one should I start?" And the violinist replied: "With the good one". The angel continues: "After you die you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven´s Orchestra.". The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied: "The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow".

[MajestyJo]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS8ET_fAEZDln9TRsoGPKiKtNLkph60g qVptt_WyPUsY1yAwlKh

Saw a swan having a game of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play that game.”

Saw some young swans that kept dancing when a particular song started. Apparently it was their cygnet-ure tune.

Where do swans invest their cash? In the stork market.

[MajestyJo]

p.s. not very funny when you have to sign in for the 3rd time to post it. I am having trouble typing I, it generall shows up as "i" and I have to try several times to correct it. It is the capital key that isn't working, not the i key, which means everything which is typed with my right hand, can be troublesome.

Not funny! Yes it is. ;)

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRADfXEKd4ozxARAEh_bJcNE3GW0w-qNIodt6BEHW4zLhnyUePY

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod70.gif

http://www.eggs.org.nz/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/egg4.jpg

[MajestyJo]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/59/bb/15/59bb151f0b0896c22f11fdd1546e9610.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod79.gif

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

====================

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

====================

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

==================

Heard this joke a long time ago.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


Anonymous74813 18541
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


Anonymous45259 11316
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.


funny jokes30798 6906
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.


ZDW23959 10547
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.


Montgomery...16150 6188
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."


TheLaughFa...15241 8271
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"


Capricorn3714864 2758
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."


Anonymous12739 2505
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod82.gif

What did the Buffalo say when his son left?

Bison.

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Fsh!

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod84.gif

joke of the day

Q: Why did the blonde return the puzzle?
A: It was broken

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod89.gif

Question: What do you call bears with no ears?
Answer: B

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/generalpod/generalpod1146.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod91.gif

https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/04-Corny-Jokes-for-All-Ages-to-Celebrate-National-Tell-a-Joke-Day-760x506.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod92.gif

What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light?

A: Don't look I'm changing!!!!!

---

Q: What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod1.gif

A wino was staggering down the beach hungover and sick..His mouth was dry,and he wanted a drink bad...He was checking all the empty cans and bottles he found looking for a corner of a bottle..
He found a bottle ,pulled the cork,and out popped a genie
Genie said,great,i`m free,I have been in there for 3500 yrs...you get 2 free wishes!
The wino thought about it for a minute,and said,I want a bottle of wine that will never run dry...
poof!
There, in his hands was a fresh bottle of wine.He pulled the cork and took a slug..the bottle refilled itself.Great he said...The genie said, hurry up, I`ve got some catching up to do...the wino thought for a minute,and asked the genie, you got one more bottle like this?
__________________

There are no strangers in AA, just friends I haven`t met yet

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod4.gif

I know this is a rerun, but every time I see it, it makes me laugh.

Joke for today

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he

felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.

"That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser.

The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just

stick this button in your ear and run this little string down

to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" asked Morris.

:27:"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But

when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

[MajestyJo]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT6I-c-GTEFs04OqjjYKHoUih68Ddt6fv31fwE4oNPutTyEtyCZhQ

[MajestyJo]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
-
Doctor: "What happened?"
-
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
-
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."
-
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
-
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"
-
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?

LOL! A good Al-Anon joke!

[MajestyJo]

Post Options Post by on Apr 19, 2006 at 2:52pm
I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.

When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since
they let Clark Gable get by with saying, "d**n" in "Gone With The
Wind," it seems every new movie has either hell or d**n in it.

I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me
if someday they'll be making more than the president.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would
be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet.

It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars
seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.

I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to
a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Parliament.

The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,
but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood.

If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.

This is something I posted in 2006. Just think, that was 8 years ago, so this is very old, but not as old as I am/. LOL

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod9.gif

“What do you call a water bottle without a cap? De-cap-itated.”

When Jesus Was Born
Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord.St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any thought to his education?”

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod10.gif

A rerun - Still a pretty lady.


A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod15.gif

This is funny It is what I do every day when I look at the cartoon. Is it funny? It has to make the Majesty Jo's funny bone twinge. Is it a rerun? Is it funny enough to repeat. Some are my all time favourites and get air play every time they appear; like the cat with the hat. That is my joke of the day. It is on me.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod18.gif

A Florist's Mistake
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod21.gif

Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them,

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

http://www.animated-gifs.50webs.com/animals/frog/frog_04.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod26.gif

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qccarly352.jpg

You should have seen me trying to beat the clock. It was a joke on me.
The cards of the day change at midnight, and I wanted to post the Humour card and I had to rush to post it before midnight or I would have lost it.
I do have to admit to an anxious moment. I did say a prayer and my God saw me through.
Because I don't like red wavy lines, I had to change the American spelling into Canadian.
As a result this joke is before and after midnight.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod29.gif

http://angelwinks.ca/images/animatedpod/animatedpod1056.gif

My wife was going through her wardrobe and said 'Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years'
I said 'It's a freaking scarf'

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod31.gif

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcbigeyescat1.jpg

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/iq/qcbaby260.jpg

Baby Joke 1
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

Baby Joke 2
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world? She didn’t push the pram – she pulled it.

Baby Joke 3
What was the policeman’s baby’s first words ? Hallo, Hallo, Hallo !

Baby Joke 4
Knock knock. Who’s there? Baby Owl. Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later, baby not.

Baby Joke 5
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake? It has a rattle.

Baby Joke 6
What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake? Stop crying and viper your nose.

Baby Joke 7
What do baby pythons play with? Rattle-snakes.

Baby Joke 8
What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball? A bouncing baby boa.

Baby Joke 9
What is a baby bee? A little humbug.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod35.gif

Q: Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? A: The Shell station!
Q: How do you catch an elephant? A: Hide in the grass and make a sound like a peanut! Q: What kind of socks do you need to plant peanuts? A: Gard
en hose!
Q: Where did the peanuts go to have a few drinks? A: The Snack Bar! Two peanuts were walking down a road One was assaulted Q: What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? A: An astronut!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? A: I'm not telling you. You might spread it!
Q. How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? A. They spread for the bread.
Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? A: Because she's nuts! Q: What did the apple say to the peanuts? A: You're Nuts!
Q
hat did the peanut say to the elephant? A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk
Q What is another name for a kidney-stone? A: A pee-nut!
Q: Why did the peanuts run across the busy road? A: Because they were nuts!
Q: Why did the blonde smear peanut butter on the road? A: To go with the traffic jam.
Q: Why are people in Illinois having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q) What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? A) I can't peanut butter my cock down your throat!
Q: What kind of nuts hang? A: wallnuts.

[MajestyJo]

http://angelwinks.ca/images/humorpod/humorpod38.gif

I have some key on my board that are giving me a hard time.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/gnpod/gnpod29.jpg

[MajestyJo]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT18CCYV_z5wE6d_EMoZs0Okh4J_XktT a2nG3_eslLMAT9UPsx5fQ

https://list.lisimg.com/image/8184171/670full.jpg

[MajestyJo]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cjr14iyWEAANuiI.jpg