Morning Medicine

[bluidkiti]

Quite A Puzzle

A father wanted to read the paper, but was being bothered by his little daughter, Susie. Finally, he took a sheet out of his magazine, on which was printed the map of the world. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Susie, and said, “Go into the other room and see if you can put this together.”

After a few minutes, Susie returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was very surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly.

“Oh”, she said, “on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got Jesus in His place, then the world came out all right.”

[bluidkiti]

Words From Above

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.” How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

[bluidkiti]

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this?

Let’s say we have a man-making contest.” To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!” :1:

[bluidkiti]

Little Darlene surprised her mother with the postscript
to her bedtime prayer:

"And dear Lord, please send the beautiful snow to
keep the little flowers warm through the winter."

Climbing into her bed, she confided to her mother:
"That time I fooled Him. I really wanted the snow
so I can go sledding with my new sled." :169:

[bluidkiti]

Light Confusion

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School
presentation.

His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him,
gestured and formed the words silently with her lips,
but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue,
"I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud,
clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world." :D

[bluidkiti]

The Hearing Aid

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!” :11:

[bluidkiti]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members’ private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night. :11:

[bluidkiti]

One Sunday, Pastor’s sermon focused on how the children of Israel left Egypt and how they wandered in the desert for 40 years. On the way home from church, Mom asked Tommy if he remembered what Pastor had talked about. “Sure,” Tommy replied. “He talked about the children of Israel and everything they did. What I wonder is, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?” :169:

[bluidkiti]

A preacher went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals.

The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn’t work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them.

He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems.

“I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses,” he said. “You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick.” :shocked: :39:

[bluidkiti]

Sunday after church, a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”

Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” :169:

[bluidkiti]

The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story. Little Bobby drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.

The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve. Little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!” :18:

[bluidkiti]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. :169:

[bluidkiti]

Favorite Restaurant

A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new
church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her
that if she were good during the service they would take her
to her favorite restaurant afterwards.

During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination
of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in
a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live
a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?"

The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’ :11:

[MajestyJo]

It is meant as a smile, but in reality, how often we hear others and take on their pains. We ask ourselves, "Maybe that is what is wrong with me?" I had to quit watching Dr. OZ all the time, because I was taking it all personal and becoming a hypochondriac. The power of suggestion can be dangerous when you have a dis-ease of perception.

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[bluidkiti]

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!” :169:

[bluidkiti]

A Publicist for Moses

Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians
are close behind us!”

General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our
own bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time for
that.”

Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build
barges to carry us across. But time is too short.”

Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can
promise you this: If you can find a way out of here, I’ll get
you two or three pages in the Old Testament!” :11:

[MajestyJo]

Just 2 2 funny, politics has been around for a long time!

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTKm-U9mtdg1mogVzWmb-r-gKKBHyFa37F43f2jmdRVkpWvXkSNVA

[bluidkiti]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied. . . . “They will in a minute.” :169:

The God drawing was posted on my now distinct web sites. Have always loved it, yet in truth, we all have our own image, and yet many use the pictures of others, because they can't build that relationship with their God and learn what and who their God is to them.

[bluidkiti]

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter in the Book of Mark.” :11:

[MajestyJo]

The God drawing was posted on my now distinct web sites. Have always loved it, yet in truth, we all have our own image, and yet many use the pictures of others, because they can't build that relationship with their God and learn what and who their God is to them.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-butterflies/0229.gif

[MajestyJo]

The last one, reminds me of my people pleasing days and my aim to please no matter what. When we tell a lie we either learn to believe it, or we forget, and get found out.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-butterflies/0022.gif

[bluidkiti]

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.” :11:

[bluidkiti]

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.” How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?” :169:

[bluidkiti]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members’ private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… and left it there all night! :11:

[bluidkiti]

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!" :18:

[bluidkiti]

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked… “doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!” :43:

[bluidkiti]

A Christian middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated. :11:

[bluidkiti]

During the children’s sermon on Easter Sunday morning at his new church, the pastor decided to see how much the children understood about Easter. As the group gathered together, he asked them to tell him just what Easter means.

One little girl bravely raised her hand, and then told the pastor that Easter is when a giant bunny brings candy for children. The pastor smiled, trying to hide his disappointment with the answer.

“Okay, how about another?” he asked. Little Billy then added his thoughts, saying “Easter is when all the children color eggs and the adults hide the Easter eggs and let the children participate in an egg hunt.” The pastor’s smile began to fade.

But then, all the way in the back, little Sara humbly raised her hand. “Yes, Sara?” the pastor said. And Sara began describing how Jesus carried the cross and then was crucified and then his body was put in a cave with a rock at the entrance.

“Good so far,” thought the pastor, but then Sara continued.

“Then on Easter Sunday, the boulder magically rolled away from the cave, Jesus was resurrected and stepped out of the cave and saw his shadow. He then knew there would be six more weeks of winter.” :169:

[bluidkiti]

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

Now, said the teacher, “can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?”

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. “To make the gravy.” :169:

[bluidkiti]

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked… “doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”

Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”

Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!” :169:

[BW1]

I love it!!!! & I needed a chuckle this morning

Thanx... :smiley: :42:

[bluidkiti]

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’ :169:

[bluidkiti]

A Church Funny

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were
sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked
out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had
enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those
two men standing by the door? They're hushers!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.” :169:

[bluidkiti]

Higher Power

A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been
learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it
is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!" :169:

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing these, I just don't have time to be everywhere on the board, and today is catch up.

They say laughter is the best medicine.

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[bluidkiti]

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!” :169:

[bluidkiti]

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, ‘They couldn’t get a baby-sitter. ‘ :169:

[bluidkiti]

Chocolate Chip Children's Church

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon."

One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example.

He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation.

Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?"

A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied. :170:

[bluidkiti]

Fishing

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's
ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did
much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms." :169:

[bluidkiti]

God's Love

My four-year-old son Ashton loves the movie Toy Story 2,
particularly the space ranger hero, Buzz Lightyear.
Recently in Sunday school we were learning that God's
love has no limits.
At the end of class the teacher, reviewing the lesson,
asked, "So, how much does God love us?"
Quoting Buzz's big line in the film, Ashton replied,
"To infinity and beyond!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

ABC's

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to
hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to
understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on
a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was
repeating the alphabet.

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.

The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the
alphabet."

Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the
words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying
to say." :169:

[bluidkiti]

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’

Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.’ :169:

[bluidkiti]

Worship

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed
in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with
eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise.

The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her
turned around and gave her a high-five! :169:

[bluidkiti]

Roller Coaster

When they were at Sea World in Florida Natalie
was fascinated by the roller coaster and all its
screaming passengers.

Matt asked her if she'd like to go on the roller
coaster, and she said no, it would be too scary.

"Would you go on it with Daddy?" Matt asked.

Natalie said emphatically, "No, it would be too
scary!" After a minute or two of thought she said,
"Maybe... MAYBE if Jesus came with me I'd ride on it!" :1: :169:

[bluidkiti]

A scientist and God were having a discussion one day. The Scientist said that he could do any thing that God could do. God said, I can make a man. With that he pick up some dirt poured it through his fingers and a man appeared. The Scientist said, I can do that and reached down to pick up some dirt, and God said "Hold on there. You'll need to get your own dirt." :18:

[bluidkiti]

Raising Lazarus

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting
their end of the year program for the congregation
- telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one
little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the
dead!"

The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and
then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing
he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have
been a stampede of dead guys."

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation
very much. :169:

[bluidkiti]

My nieces Jessica, age five, and Stephanie, age three, were chatting with their mom when Stephanie asked, "Mommy, does God really make rainbows?"

"Of course he does," my sister replied. Jessica nudged Stephanie and explained, "Only God has such big crayons." :169:

[bluidkiti]

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn’t move.

“Oh Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one request... please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher’s feet.

“Dear Lord, bless this food I am about to receive... in Jesus’ name... Amen.” :169:

[bluidkiti]

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms. :169:

[bluidkiti]

Who Am I?

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd
drop them off at our church's children's chapel on
Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to
the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in
full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked
if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He
said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row
and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst
into the room and signaled to me that he would be able
to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't
smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's
job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from
wild animals and keep them from wandering off and
dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said
that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms
up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said
to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the
shepherd?"

He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor
said, "Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to
the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a
shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog." :169:

- from Pastor Tim

[bluidkiti]

Worship Response

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five! :169:

[bluidkiti]

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.” :169:

[bluidkiti]

God Did

I was the teacher for a toddler-aged Sunday School class,
which included my 14-month old daughter. During our lesson
on creation, I'd ask questions like, "Who made the trees?"
or "Who made the sun?" and the children would respond,
"God did!"

I was pleased that the children seemed to quickly learn
that God made everything.

The lessons at home weren't going so well. I had tried
repeatedly to get my daughter to pick up her toys when
she was done with them, and she just wasn't learning this
very quickly at all.

One day I walked into the living room to find toys scattered
simply everywhere. In exasperation I asked, "Who
made this mess?!"

My daughter looked at me, beamed a proud smile, and
exclaimed, "God." :169:

[bluidkiti]

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

Come Out
(By Margaret Millson?)

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!" The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much. :169:

[bluidkiti]

A minister was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster didn't say a word, so the preacher kept on working, thinking the lad would leave. But he didn't. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the pastor finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on gardening?" "No," he replied. "I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer." :169:

--------------

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" :169:

[bluidkiti]

THINGS OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice Doggie!"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....

1. "Are We There Yet?" :169:

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Sunday Worship

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from
home. Being good Christians they decided to attend the Sunday
worship service at a small rural church.

The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket
and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was
passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father
complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon
was boring, and the singing was off-key."

Finally the boy said with a grin, "Dad, I thought it was pretty
good for a dime." :169:

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What Happened?

One Sunday afternoon, my father had had just about enough of
his four-year-old grandson's antics. He firmly put him on a
chair and told him to sit still.

My son didn't budge, but after a minute he asked, "What
happened, Grandpa? Did you have a bad day at church?" :169:

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Resurrection

A pastor was speaking to a group of second graders about the
resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did
Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He
said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said.
He said, 'Tah-dah!'" :169:

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When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with God now.

He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked, "God is in the toilet?" :169:

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Thirsty

While eating dinner at the dinner table, Jay, 5, stopped and
said, "Mommy, sometimes when I drink water, it goes in to my
heart. But, that's OK because sometimes God gets thirsty, too!" :169:

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Living Inside

After bedtime prayers Elizabeth asked, "Where is God?"

Kathryn replied, "He lives in Heaven, but when we're Christians,
God gives us the Holy Spirit to live inside us, too. That's kind
of like a little part of God."

Elizabeth continued, "With the germs?"

Kathryn said, "What?"

Elizabeth explained, "I learned on Curious George that we have
germs living inside our body. They are like little things that
sing and play banjos. Is the Holy Spirit living with them?" :169:

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The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers.
Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed! :169:

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Onions

The minister brought his 4 year old daughter to bed and asked
what she would like to pray about.

Promptly she answered, "Onions."

So they prayed about onions.

The next morning, the Reverend asked her why she wanted to pray
about onions.

"Because you said in your sermon Sunday that we should pray for
things we don't like." :169:

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A KITTEN

Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about a pastor. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved a little further forward....the rope broke. The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." (You can see where this is going). She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed right in front of her." :27:

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Prayers

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how
to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as
I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to
say their blessings without me.

I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes
tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her
3-year-old sister kept on praying.

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked
at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are
still here!" :169:

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Playing Ball

A five-year-old boy surprised his father one day by saying,
"I guess I'll go outdoors and play ball with God."

"Tell me, how do you play ball with God?" asked the father.

"Oh, it's not hard at all," said the boy. "I just throw the
ball up and God throws it back down to me." :169:

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I just wanted to share something with you - One night when my daughter was 5 years old and I was tucking her in bed and praying with her, she had a tummy ache. She said, "Well, that shouldn't be hard for Jesus to heal my tummy. He's in my heart so He doesn't have far to go!" :169:

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Gas

Sister Mary was truly a religious woman. Besides for her
duties as a nun, she was also very active in various
hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all
their needs. So it was no surprise that one day when she
ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put
the gas into was a bedpan.

Sister Mary happily walked two blocks to the closest gas
station filled up the bedpan with gas and headed back to
her car.

Luck would have it that as Sister Mary started tipping the
gas into the fuel tank, the traffic light turned red and
she had quite a large audience witnessing the spectacle.

Just when she finished pouring in the last drops of gas a
Baptist pastor opened up his window and hollered, “I swear!
If that car starts I’m becoming a Catholic!” :169:

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Prayer

My four-year-old likes to say the blessing at mealtimes,
usually repeating the same short prayer:
"Thank you, God, for this gracious food. Amen."

One evening, however, he thanked the Lord for the birds,
the trees, each of his friends, and asked God to watch over
his family and help them to be good.

I was thrilled that he was finally praying from the heart.

But after the "Amen," he took a spoonful of stew, gasped,
then dropped his spoon into the bowl.

"I should have said a longer prayer, my food is still too hot!" :169:

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http://www.laughandlift.com/cartoonhumor/3.gif

:169:

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Prayer :169:

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-three students
filing into the already crowded auditorium.

With rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps,
they looked almost as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and moms freely
brushed away tears.

This class would not pray during the commencements ----- not
by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting
it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay
within the guidelines allowed by the ruling.

They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one
mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on
the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine... ....until
the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone.

He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it
happened.

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly
SNEEZED!!!!

The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,
"GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!"

And he walked off stage...

The audience exploded into applause.

The graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's
blessing on their future with or without the court's
approval!

Isn't this a wonderful story? Pass it on to all your
friends......... and GOD BLESS YOU!!!!

In God We Trust, United We Stand.

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It was Palm Sunday, and Sue's three year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!" :169:

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus." :169:

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Priest's Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was*properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally,*the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at,*he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and*ticks for up to three months." :169:

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Empire State Building

A little boy got on the elevator in the Empire State Building
in New York City. He and his daddy started to the top. The boy
watched the signs flashing as they went by the floors: 10, 20,
30, 40, 50, 60, 70.

They kept going, and he got nervous. He took his daddy's hand
and said, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?" :169:

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Water

A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied. :169:

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How Did the Devil Get My Cell Phone Number? :11:

I am not one easily rattled. When I am rattled, look out for anything can happen.

For the most part, I try to stay calm, cool and collected. Then there are times when I have had enough and I am not going to take it anymore.

When I am rattled about something, it is not small or insignificant. I can swat pesky little bugs all of my life and never get rattled by a bug.

Lately, some things have been developing “in my world,” that has me more than a little concern. In fact, it is bordering on the territory of being rattled. Something needs to be done because if I am rattled in this area, look out!

I am not sure, if I am just now noticing it or if it has been here for a while. When I got my cell phone, I was under the impression the only people who would have my cell phone number would be those I gave it to. I am not one to give out my cell phone number to just anybody. If you have my cell phone number, you are in a high-level category of BFFs.

I believe sincerely that the devil has hacked into my cell phone, collected my cell phone number and is selling my number to the most despicable people he owns.

Lately, I have been getting political calls. People trying to interview me concerning the up coming election. They want me to contribute to political polls being evaluated. They want my opinion and they have a whole slew of questions they are going to be asking me.

I know they do not want my opinion because all of these calls are what is called Robo calls. In other words, is not an actual person asking these questions, but rather a machine. If you think for one moment that I am going to carry on a conversation with some machine, you do not have all your wires connected.

How they get my cell phone number, is beyond me. It probably is their close connection with the devil himself.

I have also been getting calls from some company that feels I am in some sort of pain. They call and say I requested on their website this pain solution. Now, what they want to know is it my back pain, or elbow pain, or a knee pain?

I have been so fed up with these calls that I finally said, “I do have a pain in the neck.” To which, I got an excited reply as to how they could help my pain in the neck.

You know what’s coming. I told them that the pain in my neck was them calling me and if they want to help this pain in the neck go away to stop calling me, for Pete’s sake.

I just about had it with this. The question I wrestle with is, should I lie to these people calling me?

For instance. Somebody called me last week telling me they noticed a certain virus on my computer and if I would allow them access to my computer they could fix my computer. Talk about a pain in the neck!

This was about the 15th time this company called me offering to fix my computer. So, I thought if they are going to waste my time by calling me, maybe I should waste their time by trying to get them to fix my computer.

“Oh yes,” I said as excited as I could sound, “please fix my computer for me.”

Now they wanted me to turn my computer on and so forth and so on. I must confess that at the time I wasn’t your my computer I was on my cell phone.

They gave me instructions and I obeyed them, or at least I told him I was obeying him.

“All right,” I said, “My computer is on what I do next?” I will confess to you if you promise not to tell anybody, but I did not have my computer on.

Then they gave me instructions that I was to go to a certain website.

“Okay,” I said, “I’m there, what do I do now?”

They gave me a password I was supposed to use to get access to them so they could get access to my computer.

“Have you done it yet?”

“Yes, I punched it in and what I do next?”

“Something’s wrong,” the person at the other end of the phone said. “You must not have put in the right password. Let me give it to you again.”

He gave it to me again, which in turn I gave it back to him, again.

This went on for about 20 minutes and the person on the other end of my cell phone was getting very frustrated and borderline anger. I, on the other end of the cell phone, could hardly control my laughter.

By the time he hung up, he was very frustrated and could not understand why it was not working.

After this person hung up on me and I quit laughing, I thought of what David said. “Give them according to their deeds, and according to the wickedness of their endeavours: give them after the work of their hands; render to them their desert” (Psalms 28:4).

Sometimes giving back what you get can bring you to a certain level of joy you did not have before.

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Born

A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?"

A student replied, "Because his mother was there." :169:

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Did GOD make you?

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek.

By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke "Granddaddy, Did God make you?"

"Yes, Sweetheart," he answered; "God made me, a long time ago."

"Oh," she said. Then, "Granddaddy, did God make me, too?"

"Yes, indeed, Honey," he assured her. "God made you, just a little while ago."

"Oh," she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it now, isn't He?" :169:

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Position To Pray
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole." :169:

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"Teacher," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked the Sunday school teacher.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed the teacher. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?" :169:

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A Picnic Funny

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain." :169:

[bluidkiti]

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying. Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!" :169:

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Tithes

On one particular Sunday, the pastor was emphasizing the
importance of everyone giving their tithes and offerings.
He went on to challenge the people to give enthusiastically
because 2 Corinthians 9:7 says in it that "God loves a
cheerful giver."

As the plate was passed, a little boy in the second pew,
quickly slipped off his neck tie and placed it into the
offering plate. His mother, absolutely mortified, asked
him what in the world he thought he was doing.

The boy replied, "The pastor said put your ties in the
offering plate and do it joyfully. I love that man!" :169:

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STORIES YOU CAN TELL IN CHURCH
(Email found circulating the Web!)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
__________________________________________________ ________________

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
__________________________________________________ ________________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
__________________________________________________ _________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
__________________________________________________ __________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." :169:

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After the Sunday school teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son to the class, she asked, "Was anyone sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?"

One boy answered, "The fatted calf." :169:

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Sea of Galilee

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he
found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on
the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take
into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord
Himself walked."

"Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no
wonder He walked." :169:

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24 hours

God: "Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating
light and darkness of Earth."

Angel: "What are you going to do now?"

God: "Call it a day." :169:

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One day I decided to take my three children to an ice skating party in a nearby town, but after several wrong turns and stops to ask directions, I pulled over to the side of the road and suggested we all ask God to help us find the rink. When we finally arrived, we were nearly an hour late.

The following week, as we got into the car to go skating again, my five-year-old son exclaimed, "Mom, let's pray now and save time!" :169:

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Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire.

He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to our knees?"

One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us out of this mess!" :169:

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Heart Sounds

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the
little ones' chests would plug the stethoscope into their
ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes
would always light up with awe.

But she never got a response to equal four year old David's.
Gently he tucked the stethoscope in his ears and placed the
disk over his heart.

"Listen", she said, "What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked
up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping
deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous
grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked. :169:

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Waiting

My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first
time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to
start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?" :169:

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RAISING LAZARUS

Our children's Sunday School classes were presenting their end of the year program for the congregation - telling about the life of Jesus.

When it came to the part about Jesus' miracles, one little boy said, "Yes, Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead!"

The teacher urged him to tell us more.

He said, "Well, Jesus told them to open the tomb, and then He said, 'Lazarus, come out!' And it's a good thing he didn't just say 'Come out!' because there would have been a stampede of dead guys."

Needless to say our congregation enjoyed the presentation very much. :169:

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Storm Response

Last night I was telling my kids about Jesus calming
the storm in Mark 4. I told them how Jesus and the
disciples were all in a boat crossing a lake when
a storm came up and threatened to sink the craft.
Meanwhile, Jesus had fallen asleep in the stern.

So the disciples, fearing for their lives, went back
and woke Jesus, hoping he could do something to save
them. I said Jesus woke up and said "Quiet..."

To which my son interjected, "I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

Roller Coaster

When they were at Sea World in Florida Natalie was fascinated by the roller coaster and all its screaming passengers.

Matt asked her if she'd like to go on the roller coaster, and she said no, it would be too scary.

"Would you go on it with Daddy?" Matt asked.

Natalie said emphatically, "No, it would be too scary!"

After a minute or two of thought she said, "Maybe... MAYBE if Jesus came with me I'd ride on it!" :169:`

[bluidkiti]

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget:

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?" :169:

[bluidkiti]

Laughing Prayer

A good friend was waiting nearby while his young son prayed
silently before going to bed. Suddenly the boy burst out
laughing.

"Reggie!" scolded his father, "Why are you laughing during
prayer?"

"But Dad," the boy answered, "you told me that prayer is
talking to God as to a friend, and I just told him a joke." :169:

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Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "take only one, God is watching".
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note, "take all you want, God is watching the apples". :169:

[bluidkiti]

Prayer

A grandfather walking past his young granddaughter's room one night saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think just what to pray for. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best." :169:

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Curiosity

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity.

"Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"

"Still in the Garden of Eden?" :169:

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It was Palm Sunday, and Sue's three year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, Jesus shows up!" :169:

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My nieces Jessica, age five, and Stephanie, age three, were chatting with their mom when Stephanie asked, "Mommy, does God really make rainbows?"

"Of course he does," my sister replied. Jessica nudged Stephanie and explained, "Only God has such big crayons." :169:

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Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" :169:

[bluidkiti]

Kids in Sunday School

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked,
"Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" :169:

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Sermon

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!" :169:

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute." :169:

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." :11:

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A minister was making a wooden trellis to support a climbing vine. As he was pounding away, he noticed that a little boy was watching him. The youngster didn't say a word, so the preacher kept on working, thinking the lad would leave. But he didn't. Pleased at the thought that his work was being admired, the pastor finally said, "Well, son, trying to pick up some pointers on gardening?" "No," he replied. "I'm just waiting to hear what a preacher says when he hits his thumb with a hammer." :11:

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A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" :169:

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The Squirrel Question

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" :169:

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When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with God now.

He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked, "God is in the toilet?" :169:

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We were studying Christmas customs from around the world. It was an ideal opportunity to share the Christmas story. I explained that Mary and Joseph had gone to Bethlehem to pay taxes. It was time for the baby Jesus to be born and they needed somewhere to spend the night. I told my students that when they went to the inn, there were no empty rooms. I compared the inn to a modern-day hotel or motel. I was leading up to the stable when I asked, "What do you suppose they had behind the inn?"

One little guy, who had been listening intently, began to frantically wave his hand. His face was alight with knowledge. "A swimming pool." :169:

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Onions

The minister brought his 4 year old daughter to bed and asked what she would like to pray about.

Promptly she answered, "Onions."

So they prayed about onions.

The next morning, the Reverend asked her why she wanted to pray about onions.

"Because you said in your sermon Sunday that we should pray for things we don't like." :169:

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Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to ask the blessing before eating their meal. One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to ask the blessing without me.

I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my 4-year-old finished, her 3-year-old sister kept on praying.

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!" :169:

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Playing Ball

A five-year-old boy surprised his father one day by saying, "I guess I'll go outdoors and play ball with God."

"Tell me, how do you play ball with God?" asked the father.

"Oh, it's not hard at all," said the boy. "I just throw the ball up and God throws it back down to me." :169:

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Heaven

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, "How many of

you would like to go to Heaven?"

All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked

Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven.

Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't. My mother told me to come

right home after Sunday school.” :169:

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Please Don't Let Me Be Late

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as
fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As
she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and
fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She
got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either." :169:

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Salvation By Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!’" :169:

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Child's Play

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young
sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were
arguing over who would get the first pancake.

The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked
them to remember WWJD. She said that Jesus would say: "Let
my brother have the first pancake."

The 5 yr-old quickly turned to the 3 yr-old and said, "You
play Jesus." :169:

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Altar Request

My husband is a minister who generally conducts an expanded altar call at the end of each sermon. He invites those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior to come forward, as well as those in need of prayers or anyone who has other special requests, to come forward.

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without saying a word to me, got up and made her way forward.

She waited patiently while the others in line ahead of her made their special prayer requests.

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask what she needed.

She whispered, "Can we go to the restaurant after church today?” :169:

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Cheerful Giving

A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson.

She gave the girl a quarter and a dollar for church.

"Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and
keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.

Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the
mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.

"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar,
but just before the collection the preacher said that God
loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if
I gave the quarter, so that's what I did." :169:

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A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”

And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.”

The man stopped and pondered some more.?

He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”?

God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.”

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “My son, my son... a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.”

The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replied, “In a second.” :169:

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Substitute

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A
horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another
town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man
to substitute for the regular minister.

The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the
meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said,
"and then place a piece of plywood over the hole —
that's a substitute."

After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment
the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said:
"You were no substitute. You were a real pane!” :169:

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Sunday School

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that
he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told
him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had
explained to him why it was more important to go to church than
to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have
enough bait for both of us.” :169:

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The Prodigal Son Returns

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered
a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got
to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to
meet him, the minister said, "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered,
"YOU'RE GROUNDED!” :169:

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Remember

A pastor began his children's sermon by holding up his index finger
with a string tied around it. He was trying to teach the kids different
ways to remember important things.

He said, "Some people tie a string around their finger to remember
something important. What are other ways we can remember?"

A very sharp 7-year-old raises her hand and the pastor puts the microphone
close to her so all can clearly hear her say, "You could use your brain!” :169:

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Jesus Coming

One day, I taught my young class the story of Jesus visiting Mary and
Martha. I carefully explained how Martha had hurried to clean the house
and cook a special meal. Then I paused and asked, "What would you
do if Jesus was going to visit your house today?”

One little girl quickly responded, "I'd put the Bible on the table!” :169:

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Find Jesus

A mother who was helping her 5-year-old daughter get ready for church.

The girl asked why they go to church, to which her grandmother said,
“We go to church to find Jesus.”

Later, in church, the mother noticed her daughter was looking all around
and asked what she was doing.

“Mom, I looked all over the church for Jesus and I couldn’t find him
anywhere,” the girl said. :169:

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Sermon Advice

My friend's four boys were young and bursting with energy,
especially in church. But the sermon her minister preached
on "turning the other cheek" got their undivided attention.
The minister stressed that no matter what others do to us,
we should never try to "get even."

That afternoon the youngest boy came into the house crying.
Between sobs he told his mother he had kicked one of his
brothers, who had kicked him in return.

"I'm sorry you're hurt," his mother said. "But you shouldn’t
go around kicking people."

To which the tearful child replied, "But the preacher said he
isn't supposed to kick me back.” :169:

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Sunday School Lesson

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark,
so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to
get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which
they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you
can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and
I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or
red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who
was usually good about coming up with the answers.

"Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied,
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure
sounds like a squirrel to me! :169:

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Does God Hear?

A man used to grumble at the food his wife placed before him at meal time. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint and prayer, his little girl asked,

"Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?”

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray.”

"And does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?”

"Yes, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

Innocently she burst his bubble with her next question.

"Then which does God believe?" :169:

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Quiet in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to
be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are
sleeping!" :169:

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The Squirrel Question

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)…" No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

"Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus … but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!" :169:

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Maranatha

David Jeremiah told of this one conference where a pastor
was talking to the group and said "If nothing else, I want
you to remember this one word; maranatha. It means "The Lord
comes." So when you leave today, you can just greet each
other 'maranatha'!"

Later, a boy went out and greeted one of his Christian
friends by loudly calling out "Marijuana!" :169:

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It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.

"Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up." :169:

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How long?

A Christian starts to pray to God. He says, "God, how long
is a million years to you?"

God replies, "It's as a second my son."

Then the man says, "God, how much is a million dollars to
you?"

God says, "It's as a penny, my son."

The man says, "God, can I have one of those pennies?"

God says, "Just wait a second, my son." :169: