Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - September

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September 1

Make the Wise Choice

If a child receives a gift of money, she could spend it or give it to a parent to invest. The second option does not mean surrender of choice. When we turn our will over to a Higher Power, we do not lose our ability to choose. Rather, by realizing that our will can get us into trouble, we make a free choice to adopt the will of a Higher Power as a guide through life. Chemicals are not the only foolish choice a person can make. We can avoid being blinded by temptation if we adopt the will of a Higher Power.

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September 2

Are You Killing Time?

Time is a valuable and irreplaceable commodity. While our culture is preoccupied with saving time -- microwave ovens, fax machines, jets -- it also wastes time. It is not unusual for a person to spend hours doing something meaningless. Some have turned to chemicals because of boredom. Addiction sometimes has its onset in retirees who do not know what to do with the time that had previously been occupied by work. Whether working or not, we should set goals in our lives that enable us to put time to good use. The time saved by our advanced technology should be a blessing, not a curse.

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September 3

Changing Ourselves to Face Reality

The backbone of recovery is the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change that which I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Many expect the rest of the world to change to accommodate them. People who achieve true sobriety know this leads only to disappointment. When reality doesn't change to suit us, some people drink or take drugs. Being sober means adjusting to reality. And this adjustment is usually accomplished by making the necessary changes in ourselves, not in others.

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September 4

Recognize What is Worth Worrying About

One day at a time means we don't waste valuable time worrying about something that is out of our hands. Before you take an exam, worrying is constructive because you can study instead of whiling away your time. However, after the exam, when you must wait for the results, worrying is destructive. All the worrying in the world will not affect the result. Do what you can today, but if something is out of your hands, turn it over to a Higher Power. You'll be less exhausted, as well as happier and sober.

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September 5

Don't Let Your Guard Down to Addiction

If I were your mortal enemy, I would not attack when you were on guard. I would be nice to you, while I plan your destruction. Eventually you would become convinced I am a trusted friend and I can kill you with minimum effort. This is the way the chemical enemy operates. After you stop drinking or using, chemicals may not enter your mind for months. Eventually you think just one beer won't hurt. The enemy has made you think he is not only harmless but your best friend. If you don't believe this is true, just ask some people in recovery.

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September 6

Get Rid of Your Resentments

Rewards are slow in coming. Jim stated he was resentful of losing his job. But I will go to AA tonight and drop off my resentments. If I don't I will drink again. Jim and others like him know resentments are dangerous. But those who are not chemically dependent do not have a program that teaches the danger of harboring resentments, which may cause physical or emotional disorders. Jim ultimately was rewarded with a good job and an even higher salary. His greatest reward, however, is the personality growth he achieved in sobriety something difficult to acquire any other way.

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September 7

Don't Live a Masquerade

Some behaviors are constructive, but if we have not been accustomed to them we may resist them. We are often reluctant at first to express gratitude, say I'm sorry, or pray. Once we overcome resistance through practice, real feeling will follow. It is not good, however, to mislead people to think you are their friend when you really despise them. You may begin to believe your own lie and ending the masquerade can be difficult. As someone said, If the mask sticks to your face, some of your skin comes off when you remove it. To thine own self be true.

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September 8

Learning to Cope

is key to sobriety. When a challenge is truly overwhelming, as when your car is stalled on a railroad track and a diesel engine is heading toward you, it is appropriate to escape. However, some escape challenges that are not in fact overwhelming, and their escape is to alcohol or drugs. Self-awareness from working the Twelve Steps can help us discover character strengths we were unaware of, as well as eliminate defects of character. Sobriety can thus enhance self-esteem and help us cope more effectively. Our self-esteem is then further strengthened as we do indeed cope effectively with life's challenges.

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September 9

Reaching Rational Conclusions

Turning things over to a Higher does not mean we move to the passenger seat and expect God to drive. We are expected to act in order to bring about results we desire. There are times, however, when we may have done everything we can do to reach a certain goal, and there is just nothing more we can do. Once we have done what we can, we leave the rest to God. If you find Let go and let God difficult, ask yourself: What other option is there? Turning things over is simple common sense. Sobriety is the ability to think rationally.

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September 10

Admit Your Mistakes and Go On

The Tenth Step requires ongoing Personal inventory and prompt admission of any wrong. There is a tendency to become defensive or manufacture rationalizations. Not only is a failed cover-up embarrassing, but we may begin to believe our lies, which leads to an impaired sense of judgment. Admitting a mistake may be threatening to a fragile ego, but as our sense of self-esteem increases with sobriety, the realization that we are fallible to do wrong is no longer devastating. When we promptly admit we were wrong, we feel better for having been honest, and our self-esteem continues to grow.

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September 11

You Are Not the Higher Power

Some reject AA because of its emphasis on God. But difficulty with the acceptance of a Higher Power generally is an indication we think of ourselves as the highest power. A person whose drinking has ruined her life, who insists she can quit on her own, is considering herself omnipotent. I suggest to people who have difficulty with the concept of God they take the First of the Twelve steps and admit their powerlessness. When we admit powerlessness over chemicals, and when we no longer consider ourselves to be God, the difficulty in accepting a Higher Power disappears.

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September 12

Knowledge or Self-Consciousness?

A true self-awareness may prevent addiction. When our self is okay, we don't think about it. Self-consciousness is a symptom: something is wrong. But with emotional discomfort, the pain is often because we feel there is something wrong, even when there isn't. The logical solution is to achieve a true self-awareness by taking an inventory, which is the Fourth Step. Since we are apt to distort our observations about ourselves, we need an objective observer to help us, which is the Fifth Step. When we discover our real self, we can feel normal without mind-altering chemicals.

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September 13

Sober Judgment

Alcohol and drugs are equal opportunity destroyers. A good decision or judgment cannot be made when the brain is operating under the influence of a mind-altering chemical. But judgments are not limited to the courtroom. We all make judgments that affect not only our own lives but also the lives of others. Of greatest importance are people who are close to us, who are dependent upon us and may have no appeal from our judgments. Therefore, the responsibility is so much greater. Responsible people are not reckless. Responsibility requires sobriety.

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September 14

Healthy Dependencies

Some dependencies are healthy. I met with some people in AA, who said, We alcoholics are dependent people. When we stop drinking, we take our dependency off the bottle and put it onto AA. Dependency is a fact of life, not a trait unique to alcoholics. All humans are dependent in some way or other, and we all need one another to survive. We do not have a choice whether or not to be dependent. Our only choice is between having a sick dependency or a healthy one. Chemicals are a sick dependency. In recovery, we try to eliminate the sick dependencies and substitute healthy ones.

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September 15

The Power of a Community

In recovery there is community. A person who is not being paid for his work will get up on a subzero night to help a total stranger, with full knowledge that if the caller had a change of mind, the volunteer can have the door slammed in his face at best or thrown down the stairs at worst. Yet he responds to the call. Recovering people respond because of a sense of responsibility toward another human being, just as they had been helped. This sense of mutual responsibility is what constitutes a community.

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September 16

Prescription for Tragedy

Sobriety must be guarded with the greatest zeal. Yet various illnesses call for pain-killing medications that can jeopardize sobriety. Not all doctors are aware some drugs must be used with utmost caution. Have the treating physician consult a specialist on addictive disease, so as to plan a treatment that minimizes the risk of relapse. It is also important for the patient to notify his or her sponsor, so that contacts with support people in AA or NA can carry through this difficult period. When appropriate precautions are taken, people in recovery can be adequately treated without risk of relapse.

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September 17

Relapse and Re-entry

Sometimes a person relapses after years of sobriety. This person may have had a solid recovery program and may have been sponsoring others, so returning to the program is not easy. We are apt to feel ashamed. If we recognize addiction as a chronic disease that has been arrested, we can understand vulnerability to relapse exists. It is never safe to lose contact with the program. If a relapse should occur, neither we nor others who are sober should be judgmental. Finally, after we have regained sobriety following relapse, we should be available to help those who have a special problem of re-entry.

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September 18

Couples Need to Recover Together

When we become truly sober, we develop a different lifestyle and new personality. True sobriety involves humility and character growth. It requires self-examination, admission of mistakes, and making amends. If a spouse achieves sobriety and character growth, problems may occur when the nonchemically dependent partner does nothing about his or her own growth, either by involvement in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, or through counseling. A disparity may develop so instead of everything getting better when the addict recovers, new problems arise. Family programs can be helpful in enabling everyone to maximize individual character strengths and achieve growth.

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September 19

Determination

The wisdom to know the difference. Although we pray for courage to change things that are amenable to change, we are sometimes unable to see that some things are changeable. Our impression may be the challenge is too formidable, or we underestimate our abilities. If we avoid a challenge we are capable of overcoming, we are doing the same thing we did in active addiction. The difference now is we employ avoidance without using a chemical. While we can pray to God to grant us courage, making the effort is our part of the job, not His.

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September 20

Lessons Are Not Always Pleasant

It is better to go to the house of a mourner than to a feast -- Ecclesiastes 7:2. A feast or party can be an escape from reality. If not overdone, escapes can serve a purpose. But for chemically dependent people, such events must be without alcohol. Some overdo partying and divert attention from too many realities, which, if not addressed, get worse. Being in the house of a mourner may not be pleasant. There is the pain of those in grief. But this reminds us of our own mortality. We can't afford to squander time. Partying rarely stimulates anyone to greater achievement.

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September 21

The Benefits of Fellowship

The things that have the greatest effect on how we act are things we think about most but talk about least. Because they are subject to distortion, they can have a detrimental influence on our behavior. Those fortunate enough to belong to a Twelve Step program can share these feelings with a sponsor or several intimate friends in the program, at no cost and at great frequency. People are most foolish not to take full advantage of a fellowship that lets us talk about what we think.

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September 22

Learn From the Past

Reflecting on the past can be either constructive or destructive. Ruminating about something that cannot be undone, or indulging in remorse and guilt, is futile. Since undoing the past is impossible, harping on it and flagellating ourselves does nothing except absorb scarce time and energy. But looking at the mistakes of the past simply to avoid repeating them is constructive. Recognizing our vulnerabilities so that we may be on guard helps prevent repetition of errors. This reflection is not depressing because we look forward to positive achievements. Memories are the key not to the past but to the future.

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September 23

The Courage to Make the Right Change

The Serenity Prayer has been reformulated in a variety of ways, often to clarify it. For example, The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. Even if the pessimist accepted the wind with serenity, the ship would not be moved in the right direction. It will certainly not get there if we sit by and wait for the wind to change. We do not pray to God to change things but, rather, to give us the courage to make the changes. We may pray for the wind to change, but until it does so, we should adjust the sails.

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September 24

Don't Make a Habit of Negativity

Dale Carnegie said, Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most do. According to him, when a person criticizes, condemns, and complains, he is making the public declaration, I am a fool. Obviously, there are times when it is legitimate to do any of these, but when we do these together or habitually, our folly is revealed. We should bear in mind we are all vulnerable to such humiliation. Fortunately, Carnegie has given us a way to avoid this: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.

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September 25

Flights of Fancy

A philosopher said, Think like a man of action, and act like a man of thought. Animals act according to whatever biological urge they have. Humans should first filter our urges and select only appropriate actions. Some escape into fantasy, like a Walter Mitty, who lived in a make-believe world because he was dissatisfied with reality. Chemical dependency and fantasy are both escapes from reality. Problems in the real world can be resolved only by taking action. Except for brief periods of innocent fantasy, we should limit our thoughts to what we can do.

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September 26

See Yourself Through Someone Else

Discovering character defects is not difficult -- someone else's, that is. The Fourth of the Twelve Steps of recovery consists of taking a moral inventory. Some people have no problem taking this inventory because they take other people's inventories. It is quite simple to discover what everyone else is doing wrong, but rather difficult to pinpoint our own defective behavior. Our rationalization capacities work overtime to justify everything we do. Because we are blind to our own defects, we must enlist the assistance of a trusted friend who cares enough to point out our defects to us.

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September 27

Trust

is essential to any meaningful relationship, but is not easy to come by. Some have been deeply hurt because others violated their trust. In order to protect themselves from further injury, they no longer trust anyone. Absence of all trust results in a loneliness that can be intolerable and may actually contribute to recourse to chemicals. Learn that trust does exist. Allow someone to trust you, and guard that trust zealously. Once you know by virtue of your own experience that trust does exist, you can cautiously begin to trust others. You cannot be the only person in the world who possesses trust. Explore who else does.

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September 28

Self-Reproach Can Be Deceptive

and is not always a virtue. Criticizing ourselves for wrongful behavior can be constructive if it results in our avoiding its repetition. But sometimes we criticize ourselves for less than sincere reasons, like chastising ourselves before someone else has the opportunity to do so. This is self-protection, not self-correction. Recovery frowns on the pity party, by which we elicit sympathy and ward off criticism from others. The Fifth Step requires a sincere admission. A trained Fifth Step listener can alert us if we are deceiving ourselves with self-reproach.

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September 29

Our Animal Instincts

We have virtually all the impulses, drives, and desires animals have, including greed, hostility, and lust. But we differ from animals in that we have the capacity to be masters over ourselves. We can control our animal half, but we cannot eradicate it. When we have done everything within our power to achieve mastery over our biological drives, we can ask God to remove those character traits that we feel are undesirable. God may indeed do so -- or it may be His will for us to continue the struggle, because as we struggle to achieve and maintain mastery, we grow in character and spirituality.

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September 30

Overindulgence

Why do all people not have the normal physiological endpoint to limit their drives? Perhaps because there is one drive that does not have an endpoint -- the drive for spiritual growth. Some try to quell their spiritual craving by indulging in food, alcohol, drugs, sex or riches. None of these can begin to fill the spiritual void. A recovering person said, When I stopped drinking, I discovered a void within me, and that was where God belonged. All indulgences are inappropriate. Growing in spirituality can give us the satisfaction we crave, and allow us to avoid the diseases of indulgence.