Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - May

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May 1

Life without Fear

Fear is an element of all chemical dependencies. The fear is not panic or agoraphobia, but a terror that has been described as minefields at home or at work, alone or with friends. The only respite is a chemical, for the brief period of its action. But this is the insanity to which the program refers. The Twelve Step program helps a person realize the minefields do not exist. The promise of recovery is serenity instead of fear. Gradually the mines disappear, and we can direct our efforts to dealing with the challenges of the real world that do exist. With recovery we gain the wisdom to know the difference.

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May 2

Acceptance

Sobriety involves coping with challenges of reality. Many resorted to chemicals to escape. But reality does not necessarily improve with abstinence. Many of stresses that were there before the chemicals are still there with abstinence. A key word in recovery is acceptance: to accept that we have the disease of addiction and to accept things we cannot change. But it is important not to confuse acceptance with approval. There is nothing wrong with telling God about our displeasure. We may be angry at God when we are in distress, but we turn to Him for security and pray for the serenity to accept the stresses in life.

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May 3

Nobody's Perfect

The Twelve Step program states that recovery is progress rather than perfection. Some insist on achieving perfection. Because they consider themselves inadequate, they fear failure and try to be perfect. Life consists of successes and failures, and all one can hope for is that our successes outnumber our failures. Insisting on perfection always backfires. In trying to cover every detail that might possibly go wrong, we exhaust ourselves, and the job doesn't get done. If we get to know our real selves, we will not have feelings of inadequacy. We will be able to adjust to reality by enjoying our successes and surviving our failures.

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May 4

The Worst Failure Is the Failure to Try

Doing nothing is the greatest failure of all. We discussed the futility of trying to avoid failure by being perfect. Another way of avoiding failure is to do nothing. T o some, passive failure is more acceptable than active failure. If we cannot control the outcome of events, we are not at fault if we fail. But since we do control whether or not we try to do something, we are at fault when we do not try. Recovery from addiction is a major step at trying. As we gain confidence, we are progressively encouraged to advance further. Coping, trying, and recovery go hand-in-hand.

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May 5

Be Open to Spiritual Awakening

A young man described a life of drugs that resulted in close brushes with death. He still has a bullet at the base of his skull. He remembers thinking as he was hit, Oh God, please save me, and felt touched by the spirit of God. Yet he continued to use drugs. When the alarm buzzes we must choose whether to get up or to go back to sleep. Likewise, a spiritual awakening is an arousal, which we can take as a starting point for a new way of living. The good judgment is to take advantage of the awakening.

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May 6

Don't Isolate Yourself

Some of our body's defense mechanisms can cause more harm than good. If we are sensitive and afraid of being hurt by others, we will defensively isolate and withdraw. But this avoidance results in a loneliness that is even more painful. We have to undo the defense mechanisms that backfire. When we feel ourselves withdrawing, we must make a deliberate and conscious effort to relate to other people. Belonging to a recovery fellowship can be advantageous, because the empathic and loving support of the group allows us to emerge from our isolation in a protective environment.

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May 7

Self-Pity is Often a Waste of Time

Even though it hurts each time we think of them, we relive painful episodes. But ruminating about painful incidents uses up time and energy that could be directed toward constructive activities. Dwelling on painful experiences is particularly dangerous for people in recovery, and if we do not discontinue it, we are prone to relapse. What can we do about this tendency to focus on pain? We can try as hard as we can to overcome it, which makes us ready to have God remove it, if only we ask Him sincerely to do so.

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May 8

Everyone Can Learn from the Twelve Steps

The struggles and emotional problems addicts face are no different from those experienced by anyone else. Psychologists say life becomes problematic when there is a lack of harmony between ideas and feelings. A person with a phobia of crowds logically knows there is nothing really dangerous there, but has anxiety or panic as though something terrible were about to happen. These symptoms are a result of emotions, not logic. The Twelve Steps of AA are excellent guidelines for nonaddicts as well.

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May 9

Not All Conflict is Bad

Friction is necessary for growth and development. In fact, much of growth depends on overcoming challenges. Not all conflict should be avoided. If you do the homework for your children and remove the challenge, they learn nothing. Addiction is often the result of trying to make things run friction-free via chemicals. Indeed, some people talk of lubricating themselves with alcohol. When we eliminate mind-altering drugs, we restore the healthy friction necessary for our growth. The recovery program shows us how to make friction constructive.

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May 10

Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

Some adjust to life fairly well. Others are not only unable to adjust to distress but also cannot tolerate life when nothing is wrong. When we are displeased with ourselves, nothing is ever satisfactory. A person who is chronically displeased has a poor self-image and is vulnerable to alcoholism or drug addiction. But working the Twelve Steps can help us avoid the bottomless pit. Let's assume that you are sober. Do you still feel displeased much of the time? If so, begin doing things that will enable you to be pleased with yourself.

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May 11

Workaholism

Workaholics have a problem with self-esteem. Some professional people may think themselves competent as doctors, lawyers, or nurses but otherwise uninteresting or undesirable. The hospital or office becomes a comfortable place; whereas the home or social gatherings are places they feel ill at ease. They may become workaholics because the workplace is where they feel the best. Some say, I never take a drop at the office. I only drink at home. This is invariably a sign of the need for anesthesia at home, where they must be social rather than professional. Self-awareness can eliminate this negative view of one-self as only half a person.

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May 12

Life is an Adventure

Life can be exciting. A great actress was excited on the last day of an extended run on Broadway: she had thought of a new way to act the part. She was excited about the one remaining performance as though there were to be a thousand more. This is the attitude that develops from living one day at a time. True, we cannot change the past, nor is there much that can be done about the future. But today is what really counts. There are so many things to discover in life. Living one day at a time can help us make those discoveries.

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May 13

You Can Survive Relapse

While relapse is unfortunate, it is not a calamity. One winter day, I slipped and sustained some bruises. But I arose and continued toward my destination, walking much more carefully. Had I not fallen earlier, perhaps I would not have been as cautious, and a later slip might have been more dangerous. Relapse should be looked at this way. Growth achieved prior to the relapse is not undone, and extra caution after the relapse can prevent a greater disaster. I would certainly have preferred to avoid the fall, but once it happened, I could consider how it benefited me. The same is true of relapse.

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May 14

Don't Allow Fear of Religion to Keep You From Recovery

The Twelve Step program advocates reliance on a Higher Power. Most addicts are discouraged by the AA and NA concept of absolute abstinence rather than by its philosophy. If a program advocated social drinking or recreational use, they would flock to it even if it were steeped in religious ritual. Some religiously devout people shun the Twelve Step program, while some avowed atheists follow it. No one in the program asks for evidence of attendance at church or synagogue. We choose anything or anyone we wish to serve as our Higher Power.

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May 15

Share Your Feelings With Others

Feelings that are shared can be tolerated. One night Marilyn felt chest pain. After tests, her doctor told her nothing was wrong. Her daughter was thrilled, but surprised at Marilyn's crying. Her daughter was relocating to a distant city. Marilyn felt she was being deserted, but could not allow herself to be angry. Anger she refused to admit had caused chest pain and shortness of breath. While Marilyn did not have a heart attack, she did have heartache, and no one to share it with. The recovery program enables us to share our feelings, which eliminates the need for chemicals as well as chest pain.

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May 16

Trust in a Higher Power

A man approached me. I am Evelyn's husband, he said. I remembered Evelyn. Many admissions to detox, three rehabs, six months in a halfway house, all followed by relapse. The last time I spoke to you, the man said, it was from the emergency room. That was her last detox, and she has been sober since. After so many relapses, my judgment would have been to stop enabling by rescuing her again. Somehow a Higher Power directed me to authorize the admission. It is wonderful that the Higher Power often steps in when our own judgment, which may seem so infallible, is inadequate.

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May 17

Depression

There is a kind of depression that results from chemical changes in the body, which can occur in addicts and nonaddicts alike. This can be treated with safe, nonaddictive antidepressants. The failure to treat such depression can result in prolonged dysfunction, severe suffering, and even suicide. While addicts are prone to take medication indiscriminately, they should not be deprived of nonaddictive medication that can be life saving. Recovering people who need medical treatment for depression should not be excluded from the program and deprived of the support the fellowship can provide when that need is greatest.

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May 18

A Dialogue With God

Okay God, said an addict, my life is a mess. I'm not drinking or drugging any more. What else do you want me to do? Make a list of everything you have done, says God, then get someone to help you discover what parts of your behavior are constructive and which are destructive. Compensate others for any harm you have done and ask forgiveness. Then come back to Me and I will help. We can arrive at what is truly God's will only if we eliminate the personal interests that are the products of our character defects.

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The Dialogue Continues

The dialogue between the addict and God: But God, I'm in trouble, the addict pleads. I can't wait for Your help until I correct my character defects. Responds the Divine One: 'Wanting a quick fix is a character defect you must get rid of. Your efforts at self-improvement must be sincere. But what's in it for me, God? God responds: You should ask, what is it that God wants? What is it that God asks of you, but to do justice, love benevolence, and walk humbly with your God.'' I thought it was more complicated. No, my child, it is not at all complicated. Keep it simple.

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May 20

There Are No Short Cuts to Recovery

Patience helps us develop real goals. Someone said a shortcut is often the quickest way to some place you don't want to be. While chemicals certainly do not fix anything, there is no denying they are quick. Some people risk their lives by reckless speeding. We may become so infatuated with speed we lose sight of the fact we have no ultimate goal. The recovery program teaches that time takes time. When we rid ourselves of an obsession with speed, we can focus on where we are going. Only then can we discover our goals as well as the means of achieving them.

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May 21

Sharing the Wisdom of the Program

Some say the proliferation of addictive diseases and treatment programs has made the term addiction meaningless. If we find we are doing something self-destructive, and we would rather not do this thing yet are unable to stop, then this is addiction. The Twelve Step program begins with the realization that, if we are unable to control a destructive behavior, we must enlist some source of strength to help us. The rest of the steps are an effective method to accomplish this. Finally, we share a statement of responsibility that we have found a successful method to save our lives.

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May 22

When Fear Is Legitimate

Not all fears are bad. Unhealthy fear is anxiety resulting from anticipating something is going to go wrong, and nothing can be done to avoid it. This fear has no basis in reality and is alleviated by working the Twelve Steps. There is also a healthy fear we may drink or use chemicals again, which has a logical basis because we were once a victim of such compulsion. The fear keeps us from becoming overconfident and drifting from the program. We may never be completely safe from relapse, but we can do something to help avoid it: stay in contact with the program.

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May 23

The Rewards of Meditation

To meditate means to eliminate all other thoughts and concentrate on a single subject. Once we have decided to turn our life over to the will of God as we understand Him, we must truly set aside time to think seriously about what the will of God is. It takes a concerted effort to bring ourselves to meditating. That is because meditation can be uncomfortable. It means committing ourselves to do what God wants instead of what we want. If we wish to fully develop our character, we must make that commitment. Take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to meditate. You will find it most rewarding.

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May 24

A Model for Life

In the addicted family, the addict acts and the codependent only reacts. We have control over our serves, but not how the other responds. In the addicted family, some people think that they control not only what they do but also the other person's response, and they are frustrated when the other person does not react the way they wish. In real life we need to analyze whether we are serving or returning the serve. We need to be aware that, regardless of how we hit the ball, we can never control how the other person is going to return it.

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May 25

Accept Yourself and You'll Accept Others

If we condemn ourselves for every fault, we are likely to be hypercritical of others. If we think poorly of ourselves, we expect people to reject us, and we will avoid this rejection by isolating ourselves. Or if we believe rejection is inevitable, we avoid the suspense by precipitating the rejection. These are just a few examples of how we can be hostile and behave badly toward others because we don't like ourselves. By improving our self-esteem we discover that we not only like ourselves more but that we like other people much more than we had thought.

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May 26

Growing with Pain

Pain and suffering are part of reality. One positive aspect of pain is that it can bind us together. If we hurt, we understand that others hurt and empathize. We know our pain can be eased when someone gives us a helping hand. And we can extend help to others. Pain sensitizes us to other people; this is what makes humanity a family instead of a herd. We pray to God to spare us from pain, but if it should occur, let us not waste the precious experience. We learn from it, seek help, accept help, and give help. That is how we grow.

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May 27

Secrets Can Be a Burden

Unloading secrets can be a relief. We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. Help from a therapist may be necessary if the secrets are hidden even from ourselves. But there are secrets we do know about, which do not require a therapist. Sometimes, however, we are so ashamed of them that we are reluctant to reveal them to anyone. When we attend meetings, we hear someone share secrets we thought were unique to us. We find people who listen and identify with us. We can unburden ourselves. We have more energy, since we no longer waste energy keeping secrets bottled up inside us.

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May 28

Barriers to Intimacy

The love of one person for another is a union of two lonelinesses. Those based on sexual infatuation were never love relationships to begin with. Your loneliness cannot be relieved by another person, no matter how much you try, unless you let that other person into your life. The most common reason for not letting another person get to know us is the fear that this will repel them. It is only when we are at peace with ourselves that we allow the closeness that can relieve our loneliness. If we feel a lack of reciprocity, we may not be allowing the other person to love us.

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May 29

Self-Esteem is a Powerful Force

How we react to criticism depends on our self-image. An alumnus from our treatment center called hysterically one day because her husband had been verbally abusive, berating her as a failed wife and mother. The reason she reacted so intensely when her husband made a derogatory comment was because she believed his comments to be true. Had she thought of herself as a good wife and mother, her reaction would have been, I don't know what in the world you are talking about. If we think well of ourselves, even insulting comments, while not pleasant, can be shrugged off.

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May 30

God Does Not Abandon Us

We are most likely to find things only when we look for them. I once attended an AA meeting when I was depressed. The last person who spoke said, I have been sober for four years. I have lost my job, my wife, my car, and my house. But I don't think God brought me all this way only to walk out on me now. This person said what I needed to hear in my state of mind. No matter how difficult things get, it is foolish to assume that, after helping us along so far, God is going to abandon us.

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May 31

Quitting Is Not An Option

Some people criticize the Twelve Step program because it fosters dependence instead of stimulating self-sufficiency. But this view can come only from someone who does not understand the program. The fact that so many people have recovered by virtue of the Twelve Step program indicates that it does not negate responsibility. It is only after our own resources are exhausted that we can ask and receive help from our Higher Power and colleagues. To those who are critical of this approach I ask, What would you recommend we do when all our energies have been exhausted? Quitting is not a viable option."