Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2024

[bluidkiti]

January 1

Quote of the Week

"Humility is not thinking less about yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less."

I used to look down on people who were humble. They won’t ever get anywhere, I used to think. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and if I wanted to succeed I had to be aggressive and take the things I wanted. When I combined alcohol with this attitude, my ego exploded, and my thirst for both success and drink was insatiable. Soon I was a pariah, shunned even by some of my closest friends.

In the program, while I was recovering from my disease, I heard a lot about humility. Rather than be open to the concept, my ego rebelled at the thought of it. I can still remember arguing about it with my sponsor. “If I’m humble, I’ll be a nothing. People will take advantage of me, and I’ll never get ahead,” I whined. And that’s when he defined it, according to the program. He told me, “Humility isn’t thinking less about yourself, but rather it’s thinking about yourself less.” That was an aha moment for me.

The truth beneath this explanation has deepened for me over the years. What I have discovered is that I am much happier, have more freedom, and am more peaceful when I am thinking less about myself. In fact, the more focused on others I become, the more serenity I have. Today, whenever I find that I am anxious or upset, chances are I’m thinking too much about myself. The solution is simple: I seek humility by looking for ways to be of service. When I do, serenity returns to my life.

[bluidkiti]

January 8

Quote of the Week

"If you still have some plans left, they suck, and you’ll use them."

I hear some people share regularly at my Tuesday night meeting, and they always wish the newcomers one thing—desperation. At first this seemed harsh to me, but I realized that if I hadn’t hit complete bottom, I, too, would have used the plans I had left. And when I think back to my old plans, none of them involved sobriety.

When I was new, my sponsor asked me what my back-pocket plans were, and I told him: “If this doesn’t work for me in ninety days, I’m selling my house, cashing in my retirement savings, and moving to England. Once there, I’m going to buy, operate, and live above a pub.” At the time, that was my best thinking, and I was dead serious. He looked at me, smiled, and just said, “Keep coming back.” And I did.

Today, I’m thankful that was the only alternative plan I had left. I know it would probably have killed me, but I had reached such a bottom it didn’t really matter anymore. If you’re new, I hope you’re out of any viable plans, desperate, and ready to give the program everything you’ve got. I guarantee you, it’s the best plan you’ll ever have.

[bluidkiti]

January 15

Quote of the Week

"Those who laugh—last."

I remember hearing the phrase “We are not a glum lot” when I was new in recovery. But I didn’t believe it. I mean, here I was sentenced to attend meetings, prohibited from partying, and forced to develop a faith in God. Things looked pretty glum to me. If it wasn’t for the laughter I heard in the rooms, I may not have stuck around.

At first, I couldn’t understand what they found so funny. People would share embarrassing, demoralizing, and even tragic experiences, and the room would burst into laughter. Some of the things they shared I wouldn’t even admit to myself. “I don’t get it,” I finally said to my sponsor. “Those who can laugh at themselves tend to last,” he told me. It took a while, but I sure did find that to be true.

One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in recovery is not to take myself so seriously. Once I cleared away the wreckage of my past, I was free. Today, I allow myself to make mistakes, and if I step on someone’s toes, I’m quick to make amends. Because of this, my life is lighter today, and I find it easy to laugh at myself. This not only makes the journey more enjoyable, but it’s what’s made it last so long, too.

[bluidkiti]

January 22

Quote of the Week

"If everything else fails, try not drinking."

I tried countless things to make my life better before recovery. There was the gym phase. My buddy and I joined a gym and vowed to get healthy. I even started jogging. Then there was the healthy diet phase. I stopped eating junk food and instead drank protein shakes with raw eggs. I even fasted on Sundays. Then there was the meditation phase. I started attending ashrams and bought some tapes on meditation. I even got a special meditation timer. Nothing worked, though. After each phase, my drinking and my life got worse.

Next I turned my attention to controlling and enjoying my drinking. My brother told me his brilliant idea of drinking a glass of water between drinks. I tried it. I peed a lot. Next, I tried drinking only premium tequilas. There was gold and silver, and also premium aged tequilas for $65 a bottle. I even bought a book on how to cook with tequila. Drinking and cooking with tequila got me pretty drunk. Then I tried the Dr. Bob beer experiment. Surely beer was safe. Off to Costco I went to buy cases of beers from around the world. I drank a lot of beer, and peed even more, and stayed drunk. My life didn’t improve.

When I entered recovery, you made a novel suggestion: don’t drink! Wow, that was new. Surely, that couldn’t be the total problem, I thought. Turns out, it was. After many inventories, I finally made the connection that I have the disease of alcoholism, and when I drink, bad things happen. Further, I discovered that if I am trying to control my drinking, I’m not enjoying it. And if I’m enjoying my drinking, I’m not controlling it. Ultimately, for me to drink is to die, and to be miserable until that happens. Today, my solution is simple because everything else has failed. Now I just don’t drink, and my life gets better.

[bluidkiti]

January 29

Quote of the Week

"I can’t handle it, God; you take over."

Before I had a program, a fellowship around me, and a Higher Power, I was in charge of my life. I made all decisions based on self and ego, constantly planning, scheming, and manipulating people and things to get what I wanted. When I added alcohol, my wants became demands, and soon the situations I created spun out of control. When I finally hit bottom, I surrendered and began to learn a better way.

Step One of the program laid the foundation for recovery by helping me admit to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. Once I accepted this fundamental truth about myself, I clearly saw the consequences of it—that my life had become unmanageable. After taking Step One, I became open to the real solution for my disease and my life: a belief in and surrender to a God of my own understanding. Once I turned my will and my life over to Him, I began to recover.

Throughout my sobriety, my life has continued to improve in direct proportion to how much of it I am willing to turn over. In each area, the more I harbor and hold on to old ideas, just to that extent does my life remain unchanged. Even when things seem to be going well, I can limit the goodness available to me if I insist on coming from ego or self. The sure sign of this is unmanageability, either in my own life or those near to me. The solution is as it has always been: to let go and let God. The gift is, I’m much quicker to let God take over these days.

[bluidkiti]

February 5

Quote of the Week

"You’re not who you think you are."

I was in a meeting the other day when a woman shared that early in recovery she told her sponsor she was going to commit suicide. “If you did that you wouldn’t be committing suicide, you’d be committing homicide,” her sponsor said. “What do you mean?” the woman asked. “You have no idea who you are yet, so you’d be killing someone else. That’s why it would be homicide.” Boy, did I relate.

I remember early in recovery struggling to discover my real self as well. At first, I identified with my past actions, and the self-loathing and shame I felt convinced me I was a bad person. As I worked through that and began feeling better about myself, my ego was unleashed, and I suddenly thought I was better than everyone else. My new mantras became, “Don’t you know who I am?” and “Where’s mine?”

It took me a long time to realize I wasn’t as good or as bad as I thought I was. With over a decade in recovery now, and with a multitude of personality shifts, I’ve come to realize that identifying with who I think I am is a waste of time. I now know that at my core I am simply a channel of God, and the more I focus on being of service the more I come to know my real self and true purpose. I am not who I think I am today—good or bad. Instead, I am just a child of God.

[bluidkiti]

February 12

Quote of the Week

"Recovery isn’t for people who need it; it’s for people who want it."

After I was sober awhile, I started thinking about all the people I knew who could really benefit from—and, in fact, really needed—the recovery I had found in the program. I began thinking of some of my family members, my drinking buddies, and especially the newcomers who kept relapsing. “They really need this program,” I’d say to my sponsor. “Why can’t they get it?”

And that’s when he told me that this program isn’t for people who need it; it’s for people who want it. He said that if everyone who needed the program attended meetings, we’d have to rent out stadiums, not just rooms and dining halls. He told me that only the desperate can become willing enough to do what we do to get what we have. And that’s when I thought about my own journey.

For years I needed recovery, but I still had better ideas. It wasn’t until I had hit my bottom, and was willing to abandon myself to this program, that I began to recover. I now understand when someone says to a newcomer, “I wish you desperation,” because it is only by bottoming out that one can go from needing this to wanting it. Today, I realize that everyone is on their own journey, and that although many may need recovery, until they want it, they won’t be able to get it.

[bluidkiti]

February 19

Quote of the Week

"You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time."

After a meeting the other day, a newcomer with seventy-one days asked me to sign his court card. “How’s it going?” I asked him. He told me it was tough: his wife and kids and job were demanding, and all his friends were still drinking and using. He said he was just trying to hang on. I asked him how sobriety was going, and he said he felt awkward in meetings—he didn’t really know what to share and was afraid of looking uncool or stupid, so he just didn’t say much. That’s when I told him that he couldn’t save his face and his ass at the same time.

When he asked me what that meant exactly, I told him my experience when I was new. When I got to the rooms I was quietly dying inside, but I was desperate for people to like me. I wanted to fit in, to say the right things, and to be a part of. I was sure that if I told you how I really felt—scared, ashamed, angry—you wouldn’t want me there. So instead I smiled and just said I was fine. I was saving my face, but my ass was on fire and falling off.

When my sponsor directed me to start being honest, to share what was really going on, things immediately changed. First, others didn’t reject me; instead they opened up to me and let me know that they felt the same way, too. After being honest, I also felt great relief and my days started going better. Most of all, though, I learned that it was okay to have feelings and that my feelings weren’t going to kill me, and they weren’t going to drive people away either. Suddenly I saw the wisdom in saving my ass first. By doing that, I was able to discover my real face and found that it would be accepted for who I truly was.

[bluidkiti]

February 26

Quote of the Week

"Before you do something stupid, wait twenty-four hours..."

Restraint of pen and tongue was a foreign concept to me before I entered the program. Instead, I was impetuous and acted on feelings of jealousy, fear, anger, or hurt pride. Fueled by resentment, it was easy for me to justify my actions and ignore the repercussions and reactions of others. When I got into the rooms, I was at odds with most people and alienated even from myself. My life had become unmanageable.

When I began working the Steps, I learned to take the focus off what other people were doing to me and look at my own behavior instead. It was hard at first not reacting to the many perceived wrongs I felt people were doing to me, but when I finally learned to put a space between what I felt and how I reacted, my life began to dramatically improve.

Today, I’ve come to rely on the wisdom and the miracles that can happen in between my thoughts and my actions. Time after time, situations will automatically clear themselves up if I only wait, pray on them, and turn them over. I am much less likely to become excited or agitated, and I’m much less likely to make things worse if I can just pause before I react. Today, I’ve learned that before I do something stupid, I should wait at least twenty-four hours.

[bluidkiti]

March 4

Quote of the Week

"I learn to stop trying hard, and learn to try different."

We alcoholics are a stubborn lot. When I entered the program, I was a big ball of self-will run riot, and there was only one way to do something—my way. And if that didn’t work, I would just try harder: I would manipulate, lie, convince, or cajole until I got what I wanted. My ego convinced me I could get anything I demanded, and even though it was exhausting for me and many others, much of the time I succeeded.

Unfortunately, the things my self-will got me didn’t make me happy. In fact, they generally made me miserable and got me into trouble. And that’s when my sponsor said that instead of trying hard to get what I wanted, I might want to try different. He suggested that I pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out. While I was unconvinced this would make me happy, I was beaten down just enough to be willing to try.

Recovery, like life, is a process. Sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back. But I’ve found that as I kept praying and taking right actions, my life did get better. I also found that the new things God gave me made me happier and more fulfilled than the other things I thought I wanted. As I worked the Steps and got a few years of recovery, I realized that the easier and softer way was to try different. And because of this, I now know what the “road to happy destiny” means.

[bluidkiti]

March 11

Quote of the Week

"If God is your copilot, change seats."

Before the program, I wouldn’t even let God on the plane. I was the pilot and copilot of my life, fueled by self-will and self-seeking. I took off and flew through the lives of others like a tornado. My thoughts were focused on what I could get or take, or how I could control you to get what I wanted. At the time, it seemed strange to me that the harder I tried to manipulate everything, the less I got what I needed or wanted.

When I started working my program, the idea of putting God in charge of my life seemed downright irresponsible. Fueled by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, I couldn’t fathom giving up control of my life. I was still under the delusion that I controlled not only my thoughts and actions but the results as well. For me, faith was slow in coming. The key was willingness, and the more I turned things over, the better my life got.

Today, one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given is a life of true freedom as the result of turning my will and life over to the care of my Higher Power. When God is the pilot, experience has proven, time and time again, that life flows more smoothly for me as well as for those around me. Plus, it’s easier being the copilot. My job now is just to suit up and show up and let God take care of the rest. And He always does. These days, when my life is getting a little turbulent, I look to see if God is my copilot, and if He is, I quickly change seats.

[bluidkiti]

March 18

Quote of the Week

"God will never give you more than you can handle—but life will."

Before recovery, life was pretty overwhelming. It seemed that no sooner had I put out one fire that two more started. Without a Higher Power in my life, it was up to me alone to handle everything, and before long I became resentful at how unfair life was. This caused me to drink even more, and after a while my life was completely unmanageable. Desperate and out of options, I surrendered.

When I got sober and started working the program, my life actually became more unmanageable at first. Still without a Higher Power, I tried to solve all the old problems of my life, as well as some unforeseen challenges, while handling all the new emotions I felt. Doing this quickly brought me to another level of surrender. This was when my sponsor taught me about the importance of working Steps One, Two, and Three.

He told me to get up each morning and say, “I can’t, God can, let Him.” By doing this each day, I was taking the First Three Steps, and that’s when I began turning my will and my life over to a Higher Power. The miracle of this was that even though life continued to overwhelm me, with God in my life, I could find ways to deal with it with courage and grace. Today, I know that life will still give me more than I can handle alone, but with God, I can handle it all.

[bluidkiti]

March 25

Quote of the Week

"I have not found a God I understand; I have found one who understands me."

I had a love/hate relationship with God before recovery. Being raised in a religious home, my image of God was as an old, wise man with a white beard sitting on a throne judging and keeping score on all my thoughts and activities. I was constantly trying to keep track of whether I was heading toward heaven or hell. In college I denounced the concepts of religion and of God and briefly became an atheist, but then moderated to an agnostic. All the while I felt guilt and resentment at a God I didn’t understand and who I was sure didn’t understand or like me.

When I read the Twelve Steps on the walls of my first meetings, and saw “God” in them, I almost left. And then when people held hands at the end of the meeting and said the Lord’s Prayer, I felt lost and discouraged. By this time, I was sure the road I had been on due to my drinking led straight to hell, and the idea of getting sober only to be condemned by my old God didn’t appeal to me very much. When I turned to my sponsor, he stressed that we all had the freedom to discover a God “as we understood Him.”

While this offered a glimmer of hope, I found it exceptionally difficult to do. It took years to escape the guilt my upbringing had instilled in me. With an open mind, however, I began turning my will and my life over to the program of A.A. first, and then to a Higher Power. Oddly, as my faith grew and as I came to believe in a Power greater than myself, which I choose to call “God” today, I still can’t clearly tell you what He or It is. I just know that my life works better when I have faith and turn it over. In the end, I may understand God, but I know He understands and cares about me.

[bluidkiti]

April 1

Quote of the Week

"Fake it ’til you make it."

If life is a self-fulfilling prophesy, then I used to believe my life was destined for failure. I always thought I had been dealt a bad hand: broken family; alcoholic, abusive father; poor education; menial jobs, and so on. And once I discovered alcohol, my downward spiral accelerated. I believed and acted as if my end would come quickly, and that it would be worse than I could imagine.

Thankfully, when I hit bottom, I stopped digging. I entered the program, and with the help of my sponsor and the Twelve Steps, I began uncovering, discovering, and discarding my old ideas. In limbo between who I had been and who I was yet to become, my sponsor suggested I “fake it until you make it.” When I didn’t believe the program would work for me, he suggested I act as if I did and to keep coming back. When I didn’t think I’d get a better job, he suggested I act as if I did and to suit up and show up and go on interviews. By taking a lot of contrary action, my life improved.

When it came to the God concept, I didn’t know if I could turn in the Academy Award–winning performance it would take to fake faith. But then my sponsor told me something I remember to this day. He said that he would rather live believing there was a God and then die to discover there wasn’t, than to live as if there wasn’t a God and die to find out there was. When I heard this, I made a decision to believe, and when my faith wavered, I faked it until I made it. It worked, and today I believe in God and that my life is destined for good. And if I ever doubt it, I just fake it until I make it.

[bluidkiti]

April 8

Quote of the Week

"FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real, and more..."

There are a lot of great acronyms in the program, and three of them describe the progress I’ve made with respect to fear. The first is: “F@#k Everything And Run.” This is how I dealt with fear before recovery, and as a result, many unresolved issues became big problems. These problems begat more problems until they piled up on themselves and overwhelmed me, making my life completely unmanageable.

When I entered the program, I was taught that most of my fears were nothing more than “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Through working the Steps, I found that many of my fears were just that: stories my head made up and elaborated on based on situations and evidence that didn’t even exist. Through my recovery I learned to look at the facts and stay in the moment, which helped me see fear as it mostly is: False Evidence Appearing Real.

As I made progress through the Twelve Steps, I learned that fear could also stand for “Face Everything And Recover.” By following the basic tenets of this program—trust God, clean house, and be of service—I have discovered that I can face and get through anything life throws at me. And this is especially true when it comes to fear. My approach today is to look for the solution that is contained in the Steps. And when I do, I find a way to grow through fear, rather than run away from it.

[bluidkiti]

April 15

Quote of the Week

"I may not be much, but I’m all I think about."

If I add up all the time I spend thinking about myself, at least 70 percent of the time I’m thinking (usually worrying) about my future, 20 percent of the time I’m thinking about my past (usually wishing I had made different choices), and about 10 percent of the time thinking about what I should do next. It’s easy to see why I don’t have time for others. I’m busy! And oddly, the more I think about myself, the more miserable I become.

The paradox is that all this self-centeredness isn’t driven by a big ego or high sense of self, although they are certainly contributing factors. Rather, it’s the low self-esteem of alcoholism that fuels my thoughts. This is why most of my thinking is negative and self-defeating. Self-loathing is a core characteristic of this disease, and when combined with self-obsession, it becomes a depressing and deadly combination.

Thank God the program offers me a way out. I was taught early on that self-centeredness is the root of my trouble, and that true recovery comes from thinking about and being of service to others. I’ve found that when I’m focused on others, I’m not thinking about me, and that’s always when I begin feeling better about myself and life in general. And when I feel better about myself, it’s easier to think more about helping and working with others.

[bluidkiti]

April 22

Quote of the Week

"Nothing is so bad that a drink won’t make it worse."

In my limited tool chest of coping skills before recovery, drinking was the number-one solution to my problems. When I lost a job or relationship, straight to the bar I would go. My problems melted away as the warm glow of alcohol went down my throat. After a few more rounds, I entered that “king of the world” state where nothing would ever go wrong again. So secure in that delusion was I that I continued to drink to oblivion. After years of carrying on this way, my original problems soon paled in comparison to the damage my alcoholism caused me.

As I got a little time in the program, I quickly forgot the negative consequences of my drinking. When I was at a restaurant, for example, I saw people laughing and enjoying their drinks. At parties, I saw how alcohol was indeed a social lubricant, and I began to miss the easy times I sometimes enjoyed. And when I had to deal with my problems in sobriety, I was tempted to think a drink would make them easier to address.

That is when my sponsor had me pull out my Step One inventory. In it, I recounted the real consequences of my disease. After sober examination, I realized that at no time did drinking help me; in fact, over and over again, it just made my problems worse. This sobering reminder drove me back to the real solution I found in the Twelve Steps. Today, I know, without a second thought, that regardless of the problems I’m facing, a drink won’t help. It will only make things worse.

[bluidkiti]

April 29

Quote of the Week

"If you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will change."

Whenever I talk to a newcomer, I remember the insanity of my early recovery. I used to talk in endless circles about my problems and about the people, places, and things responsible for them. I went on and on about how I could never stop drinking, and I was convinced the program wouldn’t work for me. I didn’t believe it when people told me, “This too shall pass,” but I was out of options so I kept showing up, hoping the people were right.

It took many months of staying sober and working the program, but things did begin to change. I began feeling better physically, my head cleared, and I became open to a new way of living. As I took different actions, I got different results, and after a while my life improved. More importantly, I developed the perspective of recovery, and I learned firsthand that things do change as long as I’m willing to change first.

Today, I know that I can only keep changing and keep growing if I stay on the train of recovery. No matter what the scenery looks like today (and sometimes it’s not so pretty), as long as I continue to grow along spiritual lines, I know that it will change, and things will get better. This has been my consistent and enduring experience, and I now live by and trust in the knowledge that if you stay on the train long enough, the scenery will definitely change.

[bluidkiti]

May 6

Quote of the Week

"Keep coming back and don’t drink."

I had a lot of problems in my life before I got sober. I had job problems (what I was doing wasn’t exactly legal), I had relationship problems (with everyone from my neighbors to my family to my friends), and I had tons of other stuff I was juggling that caused me constant stress. Oh, and then there was the continuous drinking, the blacking out, and all the mess that went with that. To say the least, my life was complicated.

When I entered the rooms, I couldn’t wait to tell people how much was going on in my life. I told my sponsor, my best friend, and any other poor soul who asked that dangerous question of newcomers, “How are you doing?” What I wanted so desperately was solutions. I needed answers and advice, and frankly an offer of a good job would have been helpful as well. All I got, though, was, “Keep coming back and don’t drink.” What? Aren’t you listening? That wasn’t going to solve my problems. I need some real help!

What I learned, however, was that it took many years for my life to go so wrong, and that it was going to take some time to fix it as well. The most important thing I needed to do was stay sober so that it could get better. What I’ve also learned over the years is that as long as I do keep showing up and going to meetings, I will hear the solutions I need and often just when I need them. In fact, I’ve found that the more I change, the more the solutions that I need change, too. My life has gotten a lot better, but it wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t followed the advice I got early on: “Keep coming back and don’t drink—one day at a time.”

[bluidkiti]

May 13

Quote of the Week

"Those who piss us off the most are our greatest teachers."

In my pre-recovery days, a lot of people, places, and things really pissed me off. To start with, I resented my family for always trying to tell me what to do (thinly veiled as, “We’re just trying to help you”). Schools, jobs, or any other institution that tried to dictate my behavior also pissed me off. I guess you could say I was kind of angry before I got sober.

When I entered the rooms, there was a whole new set of rules to follow (thinly veiled as suggestions), and I transferred my rebellion and resentment to them. Several months into sobriety, while I was still pretty angry, my sponsor told me something I didn’t get at first, but which is a principle I now live by. He told me that whenever someone or something made me upset, it was always because there was something spiritually unbalanced in me.

What I’ve come to understand today is that whenever I get pissed off, resentful, or upset in any way, I can almost always trace it back to self-centered fear. I’m either afraid I’m going to lose something I have or not get something I think I deserve. When I’m spiritually centered, however, and close to my Higher Power, I realize I already have everything I need, and that this essential completeness can never be taken away. Today, when someone pisses me off, I realize that person is just a teacher, and I begin looking within for what I am afraid of.t early on: “Keep coming back and don’t drink—one day at a time.”

[bluidkiti]

May 20

Quote of the Week

"Another big lie: I can do this on my own."

When I entered recovery, it was very hard for me to ask for help. All my life I had been taught not to trust others, and that if I wanted something done right, I had to do it myself. So, when someone suggested I get a sponsor, I didn’t think I’d need his help. The Steps, after all, were clearly laid out. Surely I could follow such easy instructions. For the first few months, I tried to go it alone, not calling any of the phone numbers people gave me, checking in with my “temporary” sponsor only when I saw him at meetings, and so on. Before long, I was isolated and desperate, and I went back out.

When I got sober again, I took my sponsor’s suggestion to get connected and started telling others what I was experiencing. At first it was awkward, and I felt like I was bothering people when I called them. But very quickly something else happened: I felt better. And so did those I reached out to. I also started relying on my sponsor’s guidance more as well, and together we began working the Twelve Steps. Slowly my defenses came down, and gradually I became more open to asking for help.

I must say that even after many years in the program, my first instinct is still to go it alone and figure things out for myself. But I also have a tried-and-true tool as well, which is to ask for help when I need it. What I have found especially helpful is to share a problem I am having in a meeting. Invariably when I do, other people share similar situations and what they did to deal with them. Often, in fact, people come up to me afterward and offer their experience, strength, and hope. This has helped me immeasurably and given me solutions I never would have come up with on my own. Today, I try to avoid the big lie and reach out to others instead.

[bluidkiti]

May 27

Quote of the Week

"Formula for failure: try to please everyone."

I used to drive myself crazy trying to please everyone. In my insane alcoholic home, I learned that if I didn’t make waves, and just agreed with everyone, then maybe for a little while there would be some peace. But it didn’t last long. Soon I would have to change, adapt, and give in again to placate the prevailing mood or attitudes of others. It was exhausting, and in the middle of it all, I lost my sense of self.

In working the Twelve Steps, I discovered something else: I had a lot of resentments. I used to consider myself an easygoing guy, but what I learned by doing a Fourth Step inventory was that by acquiescing to others by trying to please them, I was untrue not only to myself but to others as well. By looking at my part in the fourth column, I realized that if I was to be happy and free, it was up to me to change.

Changing the way I interacted with others, especially with my family, was very uncomfortable for a long time. Suddenly, I was no longer the pushover, and when I disagreed or refused to go along with their ideas, I suffered their wrath. But at least I didn’t hate myself or hold the familiar resentments anymore. After years of being true to myself, I’ve healed my relationship to myself and to others. Today, I have successful relationships because I am no longer trying to please everyone.

[bluidkiti]

June 3

Quote of the Week

"Instead of telling God how big your fears are, start telling your fears how big your God is."

I never knew how much fear ruled my life before I entered recovery. After writing many inventories while working the Steps, my sponsor had me write a fear inventory. I found that I was afraid of not only other people but places and things as well. As these fears boiled up inside me—fear of disease, of the IRS, of the police, of my boss, and so on—I began to understand part of the reason I drank so much. But now that I was sober, what was I to do with all these fears?

As I worked my way through Steps Six and Seven, my sponsor helped me see that fear was a character defect. Most of my fears, he pointed out, were based on self and driven by my demand to either get my way or not lose what I had. The way out of my fear was to stop thinking about myself and what I could get, and instead turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. Constantly ask yourself, he advised, “What is God’s will for me here?”

It was hard to let go of my will, my old ideas, and my self-centered fear. But with constant practice, a sincere desire to be free of fear, and faith in my Higher Power, I began to outgrow fear. In those situations where fear begins to take over today, I stop and ask what God would want for me and others. “How can I best serve thee?” is my constant mantra. When I start telling my fear how big my God is, I am thinking of Him and not my fears. At that point, I begin to overcome fear, and I am free to be of service to others. And when I’m into you, and into God, I am out of myself and fear.

[bluidkiti]

June 10

Quote of the Week

"We go to meetings for relief; we work the Steps for recovery."

It happens every time: I always feel better after a meeting. Regardless of what’s going on or what my mood is, after a meeting I always feel more centered, more connected, and more at peace. The only problem is that this relief doesn’t last very long. Once I’m back in the world or in my routine, the effects of the meeting wear off, and I often find myself irritable, restless, or discontented.

I was taught a long time ago that meetings were an important part of my program, but they wouldn’t give me the recovery I needed. Only the Twelve Steps would do that. Working the Steps causes the needed transformation of my personality, which leads to a spiritual experience. And it is this spiritual experience that results in the miracle of recovery.

Even though I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state, I am reminded that I still have a disease. This is where meetings help me. When I become anxious or uncomfortable, I know that my regular meeting schedule provides the relief and the reminders I need. But I also know that I must keep working the Twelve Steps of the program to experience the recovery that saves my life.

[bluidkiti]

June 17

Quote of the Week

"We weaken what we exaggerate."

I have a habit of exaggerating things to make sure you get the full impact of what I’m trying to say. This was especially bad when I was drinking excessively. On and on I would go, embellishing as I did, on how bad my financial prospects were, or on how badly I had been treated by [fill in the blank]. I would exaggerate everything because I was sure you weren’t listening or that you didn’t really care anymore. And after years of my lying, making things up, and exaggerating, who could blame you?

When I put down the bottle and entered recovery, I continued to exaggerate and elaborate on the stories of what had been done to me. “You just don’t understand,” I would often begin. “But my case is different,” was a frequent reply. After a while, my sponsor had me inventory my experiences, concentrating my attention on the invisible fourth column: “my part.” As I did, I found that the exaggerated role I had been assigning to others was actually more my responsibility. And as I got honest and began owning my side of the street in things, I found less need to exaggerate my experiences. People began listening to and trusting me again.

These days, as my wife frequently reminds me, I am still inclined to exaggerate to emphasize how people, places, and things still don’t go my way. But I’ve learned something very valuable: when I stay focused on my part and relate my experience honestly and sincerely, I no longer have to weaken my story by exaggerating (much). Today, there is less drama in my life because I no longer try to minimize my role in how my life turns out. And there is no reason to exaggerate, and thereby weaken, my stories to feel okay.

[bluidkiti]

June 24

Quote of the Week

"God can’t give you anything new until you let go of the old."

I hate change. For some reason I’m convinced that things will get worse if they change, and even if things aren’t so good now, I’d rather they stay the same than risk a change. I was told when I came into the program that I would only have to change one thing, and I was relieved to hear that. But then they told me that one thing was everything! I quickly realized that the first thing I needed to change was my attitude about change.

A good friend of mine in the program has a different view on change. She says that you can’t know what you don’t know. “How many times do things get better after they change?” she asked me. When I thought about this and looked at my experience, I found that they almost always get better. “Then why not look at change as a chance for improvement and turn the results over to your Higher Power?” she suggested.

The more I follow my friend’s advice, the easier it is for me to handle change. A couple of days ago my wireless router went out, and it felt like the end of the world. After I calmed down, it occurred to me that I might get a more powerful router and actually have improved wireless coverage in my home. Now that was a change! These days when things change, I ask myself how they have improved or how I can make them better. Once I put my focus here, I find it’s easier to let go and even look forward to change. What I’ve learned is that God can’t give me anything new until I let go of the old.

[bluidkiti]

July 1

Quote of the Week

"I could drink, or I could do everything else."

By the end of my drinking, my world had become very small. I lost my job, again, but this time I didn’t get a new one. Most of my friends and family didn’t want to hang out with me much because I was usually drunk, or well on my way there. I had long ago abandoned my hobbies like photography and reading; they tended to get in the way of my drinking. In the end, I was alone on my couch with my booze.

I’ll never forget my first meeting—on a Tuesday night in Westwood, California. It was a large, hip speaker meeting at a church. There were probably a couple of hundred people there, and it was like I had arrived at a concert. People were talking, laughing, racing in and out of the room at the break. Wow! For a brief instant I felt part of the human race again. Later, after I had joined the program, I learned that the path back to life was through the Twelve Steps, and I committed to taking them.

As I got sober, my life did open up. There were lots of meetings, sober parties, fellowship, and more. I got a job again, learned how to be of service, and started sponsoring others. In sobriety I’ve traveled the world, gotten married, started businesses, written and published books. And each morning I greet the new day with joy and optimism. These days whenever I think of a drink, I think of everything else I would have to give up. Nothing, especially a drink, is worth all I’ve been blessed with in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

July 8

Quote of the Week

"Advice that is not asked for is criticism."

I have someone in my life who, after asking me how I’m doing and I begin to tell her, immediately starts telling me the things I need to change or start doing. Until this quote, I didn’t realize that the reason her unasked-for advice made me feel so bad was that it was thinly veiled criticism of the way I was living my life.

Thank God the program doesn’t work that way. If people in the program, or my sponsor, started giving me unsolicited advice or telling me what to do, I would have left long ago. Instead, people give me suggestions (when I ask for them) based on their own experience. If they had a similar situation as mine and they did something that worked for them, then they may suggest that it might work for me as well. It’s up to me at that point to try it or not.

Because of the program, I have learned to apply this wisdom in my other relationships also. In fact, people now call me a good listener, and it’s because I know that all that people really want is to be heard and understood. If asked, the best I can do is share my experience with a similar situation—if I have it. Otherwise, it’s best to just listen, empathize, and help them process their experience. That’s always better than giving advice that’s not asked for.

[bluidkiti]

July 15

Quote of the Week

"Have you prayed about it as much as you’ve talked about it?"

This quote could easily have said “thought” or “worried” about it as much as “talked” about it. That’s because before recovery, that’s all I did with my problems. Around and around I’d go, rehashing problems, painting the same unworkable scenarios, and obsessing myself into depression. And if others were around, I’d drag them down with me. Because I didn’t have a Higher Power in my life, there was never the thought of turning it over. Instead, it was just me and my problems—or worse—my solutions to my problems!

When I entered recovery, I was taught that I no longer had to be alone. First, I discovered a fellowship of other alcoholics who had overcome the same problems I had, and they offered suggestions and solutions that had worked for them. Next, I was introduced to the Twelve Steps, which offered a way out of my old self and my old thinking. Finally, I found my Higher Power, and through much practice I came to believe that He could do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Once I made a decision to turn my will and life over to God, my life changed.

Through prayer and meditation, I have learned how to strengthen my conscious contact with God, and I have been given the gift of a transformed life and way of living. Today, I know that I am no longer alone, and that I no longer have to carry a burden or problem by myself. My Higher Power is always there and ready to help if I am willing to turn my will and life over to Him. Today, when I find myself talking or thinking or worrying too much, I remember to start praying. The right solutions always come when I do.

[bluidkiti]

July 22

Quote of the Week

"Discomfort is required for change."

I don’t like to be uncomfortable, and for a long time I drank a lot to avoid feeling that way. When I had stress at work, I’d drink as soon as I got off. When relationships got complicated, I drank before, during, and after interactions. After a while, my solution—drinking—made my life unmanageable, so I drank even more. Finally, when I was forced to admit my solution was no longer working, I grew so unhappy that I was willing to change. And that’s when I entered recovery.

Once in the program, I was very uncomfortable again. I wasn’t familiar with how meetings went, didn’t know anyone, and the feelings that were bubbling to the surface made staying sober nearly impossible. Plus, my sponsor was suggesting many actions that made me even more uncomfortable, like sitting in the front of the room. He said, “Sit up front in recovery row, instead of at the back in denial aisle.” He also suggested I take commitments, go out to fellowship, and write a First Step inventory. What had I gotten myself into?

Because I couldn’t imagine a life of drinking anymore, I was willing to follow his direction. As I did, something magical happened: I began to feel better. I soon learned that feeling uncomfortable doesn’t last, as long as I’m willing to take action. I also learned that I wouldn’t be willing to take the actions unless I was motivated by discomfort. In this way, I have come to see anxious feelings, negative thoughts, and old fears as merely signals that change is needed. I honor these feelings today and get into action to make the changes required for my life to get better.

[bluidkiti]

July 29

Quote of the Week

"I don’t like things changing without my permission."

I used to spend a lot of time and energy trying to arrange life to suit myself. I would lie in bed at night planning not only my every move, but yours, too. I even used to think I could manipulate places and things, and I burned up a lot of energy foolishly trying to bend life to my will. Then I would wake up and things would change, so I started all over again trying to twist the changes to my suit my will. I was exhausted when I entered the rooms.

Once I had attended my first week of meetings, I started planning how my recovery would go. I lay awake at night thinking about where I would sit at meetings, who would sit next to me, what I would share, and more. I planned out the first year of my sobriety, including the new job I would get, the perfect sober woman I would marry, and the circuit speaking I was sure they were going to ask me to do. But then I woke up and found that the meeting location had changed, and my sponsor told me no relationships in the first year, and that I should hold off on changing jobs until I had more time in the program. I started feeling exhausted again.

That’s when he told me I might want to “let go and let God.” My sponsor suggested that I begin taking my life one day at a time, and that I begin asking for God’s will instead of trying to have things my own way. He told me I would be much more open to the changes that constantly happen in all our lives once I turned things over. It took a lot of practice, but when I started going with the flow and welcoming change, that’s when I began seeing the miracles and opportunities that come with it.

[bluidkiti]

August 5

Quote of the Week

"The answer is not in the problem; the answer is in the solution."

Before recovery, I lived in the problem. If things weren’t going right, or if something went wrong, that’s all I thought about. I would dwell on it, talk to my friends about it, and think about all the ways it could get worse. It was as if I was addicted to the dark outcomes of my problems. Soon I couldn’t see—and didn’t even want—a way out.

Once I began working the Steps and seeking outside help, I became aware of my negative thinking and I learned the way out. My therapist taught me that I couldn’t solve my problems using the same mind that created them. She told me that I had to source deeper and turn to my Higher Power. And sure enough, as soon as I stopped thinking about the problem and started thinking about God, the solutions began to appear.

Today, I live in the solution much more than in the problem. Even though I can occasionally still go to the dark side, my program, my sponsor, and my friends in the fellowship are all focused on finding solutions. When I turn to them, they are quick to help me find the answers I need. I am also quick to rely on my Higher Power, asking many times each day for inspiration and a new perspective. Today, I know the answer is not in the problem; the answer is in the solution.

[bluidkiti]

August 12

Quote of the Week

"The way to make a mountain out of a mole hill is to add dirt."

It used to be that anything that went wrong—or didn’t go my way—easily became an impending disaster. Toothache? Must be a root canal. Boss not smiling? Probably going to get fired. Left to myself, my incessant negative thinking was quick to add dirt to any mole hill until the mountain of imaginary evidence overwhelmed me.

When I entered recovery, my sponsor was quick to point out a few tools I might find useful for my distorted thinking. The first was, “One day at a time.” He asked me, “You’re not having a root canal, and you aren’t being fired today, are you?” “No,” I grudgingly replied. “Then take it easy,” he suggested. Next, he taught me, “Take the next indicated action.” Calling my dentist was a manageable action, whereas worrying endlessly about an imagined root canal wasn’t. Using these and other tools of recovery helped restore me to sanity.

Today, I’m quick to recognize a mole hill when one comes up, and I have the tools to keep it from becoming a mountain. My three favorites are to remember that (1) there is a solution, (2) whatever is happening is temporary, and (3) God is in charge. By focusing on God, and not the problem, I get to experience serenity while the situation sorts itself out—as it always does. And by not adding dirt to the mole hill, I avoid the imaginary mountain that used to make my life unmanageable.

[bluidkiti]

August 19

Quote of the Week

"A.A. is the only place I can hang out with sick people and get better."

I remember sitting in meetings in early recovery and hearing speakers share some of the most appalling stories. There were stories of robberies, prison, infidelity, and other assorted and demoralizing activities. What was as surprising to me as the stories was the reaction by the people in the meetings. Rather than be scared of, repulsed by, or even indignant over these stories so openly shared, they actually laughed and nodded their heads in understanding. What’s wrong with these people? I thought.

When I shared with my sponsor about how I didn’t understand how people could share such embarrassing and private things so openly, he told me that’s how we get better. He said we have all done stupid, selfish, and sometimes utterly incomprehensible things when we were drinking. This was part of the sickness of alcoholism. He told me that the way we recover is to share with one another these shameful secrets, and in this way, they lose their power over us. He said as long as we aren’t doing these things any longer, then they remain old behavior, and the Twelve Steps teach us how to get better.

Listening to the sick things people did while in their disease gave me the courage to look at and admit my own dark secrets as well. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t a bad person after all. Rather, I had just done bad things when immersed in my disease. By hanging out with other people who had the same sickness of alcoholism as I had, I was able to draw on their experience, strength, and hope to recover. It was then that I understood why A.A. is the only place I can hang out with sick people and get better.

[bluidkiti]

August 26

Quote of the Week

"You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be."

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been unhappy where I was and wished I was somewhere else. In school I always wanted to be in the next grade; at work I wanted a more senior position making more money; when I bought my first home, I quickly wanted one with a pool. When I entered recovery, I brought this same impatience and discontent into the rooms with me.

I remember complaining to my sponsor after a few months that things hadn’t gotten better, and that I even felt worse. He listened patiently and then said, “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.” This didn’t make any sense to me, and as my life continued to unravel and as I grew more frustrated, irritated, and angry, I kept complaining. His answer remained the same, and it took years before I finally understood what he meant.

One of the most important things I’ve learned in recovery is that accepting where I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually is the necessary key to changing it. Once I stop resenting how things are or wishing they were different, I can begin working with God to make them better. But it all begins with acceptance of where I am right now. Today, I know that I’m exactly where I should be, and because of this, I know how to make it better.

[bluidkiti]

September 2

Quote of the Week

"It’s not going to get easier, but it’s going to get better."

When I got sober, I thought my life would get easier. I mean, I wasn’t drinking to blackout any longer, and now that I was sober, everyone should be happy for me. I even thought I deserved some kind of an award. I was sure my money troubles would disappear, my health would get better, and all the people I hurt would forgive me and life would get back to normal. None of that happened right away.

In early sobriety, the only thing that changed was that I wasn’t getting loaded any longer. I still had all the same problems as before, and in addition, I was now also racked with feelings: feelings of remorse, resentment, fear, anger, and more. And as I struggled to work the Steps, things actually got worse as I lost job after job, found I was unfit for most relationships, and was in constant fear. I didn’t think recovery was for me.

I told my sponsor that if this was what sobriety was like, I’d rather start drinking again. He told me this was what getting sober was like, but it wasn’t what being sober was like. He said if this was how we were going to feel all the time, then none of us would have remained in recovery. Each year, my life did get better and better. Even though it wasn’t easy in the beginning, I found that overall, I had discovered the easier, softer way. Today, I can’t imagine not being sober and living in recovery.

[bluidkiti]

September 9

Quote of the Week

"My sanity today is directly proportional to my honesty."

In the old days, it was hard to keep my story straight. As my drinking increased, my omissions turned into half-truths, and these turned into little white lies. After a while, I couldn’t recognize the truth anymore. As I became disconnected from people and myself, my very reality changed and my sanity disappeared. After living in this dark abyss, I finally surrendered and entered the program.

As I began to get sober, I started in on the overwhelming task of unraveling the massive knot of lies, stories, and deceptive behavior I had engaged in. I felt shame, anger, and remorse as I painfully made my way back to my true self, which had been buried beneath the disease of alcoholism. I used the tools of “uncover, discover, and discard,” and after many inventories, I finally saw the light ahead.

The road back to sanity began with the words “rigorous honesty.” Although seemingly straightforward, the challenge I had was in coming to believe that, of myself, I was enough—that if I spoke my truth, I would be accepted. The miracle is that the truth really did set me free, and the more honest I was, the more peaceful and serene I became. Today, if I’m feeling uncomfortable, I look to where my honesty may be lacking. As soon as I become genuine again, my sanity is restored.

[bluidkiti]

September 23

Quote of the Week

"We are responsible for the effort, not the outcome."

When I entered sobriety, I didn’t know how I was ever going to fix everything in my life. All the relationships I had ruined, all the bridges to jobs and opportunities I had burned—there didn’t seem any way I could control and manipulate everything back into place. How was I going to get all the people I had stolen from to forgive me? How was I going to get healthy after all the abuse I’d inflicted on myself? How was I going to get my family to trust me again? I didn’t think I could pull it off.

Luckily, my sponsor assured me that I didn’t have to. In fact, he told me I could never be responsible for other people’s attitudes and reactions to me. That wasn’t my job. Instead, he told me my job was to stay sober, clean house, and take the next indicated action. In doing my Ninth Step, he told me I was responsible for admitting my faults and making sincere amends. Whether someone forgave me or not wasn’t up to me. I was responsible for the effort, not the outcome.

Learning to let go of outcomes wasn’t easy for me. After a lifetime of trying to arrange life—including other’s reactions and opinions—to suit myself, simply taking the right actions and leaving the results up to God seemed impossible. But the miracle is that every time I follow God’s will and not my own, wondrous and unexpected outcomes flow into my and other people’s lives. Plus, now that I know I’m not responsible for all the outcomes in the world, I’m able to live a life that can be happy, joyous, and even free.

[bluidkiti]

September 30

Quote of the Week

"Easy does it, but do it."

I was quite a procrastinator before recovery. I had a lot of good ideas, but I didn’t want to act on them until I had thought things through and the time was right. For example, I wanted to go back to college, but I thought I should have my house paid off first. I wanted to get married but thought I should actually have a better career first. Regarding drinking, I thought I would be able to stop once I had that good job that allowed me to get a better house, a wife, go to school, and so on. I didn’t get much done.

In sobriety, there seemed like a lot of things I could do. I could get commitments, get a sponsor, work the Steps, and, oh yeah, stay sober. When I saw the saying on the wall that said, “Easy does it,” I relaxed and thought I’d just keep thinking about it all. And that’s when my new sponsor told me there is a chapter in the Big Book called “Into Action,” not “Into Thinking.” He suggested I get busy.

I’m so thankful he directed me to jump in and become part of the program. He told me I should take contrary action if I didn’t feel like taking action, and that if I brought the body, the mind would follow. He told me that “Easy does it” refers to my tendency to obsess and overdo things, and that the “But do it” part refers to overcoming my resistance to change. I learned that I can’t think myself sober—or into any of the things I want in life—but if I take action, I can live the life of my dreams.

[bluidkiti]

October 7

Quote of the Week

"When all the little things really bug me, it’s because there’s a big thing I’m not facing."

Irritable, restless, and discontent—that is my normal state as an alcoholic. Going to meetings, working the Steps, and praying and relying on my Higher Power are the ways I get restored to sanity. By doing so, I actually achieve some peace and serenity. But even when I am in a calm space, if little things still bother me, I now know to look beyond my alcoholism.

It’s amazing how my first instinct these days, even with considerable time in the program, is to deny or ignore things that are uncomfortable in my life. It’s been my experience that not facing what at first appears to be no big deal often turns it into one and quickly makes my life unmanageable. And the first warning I’ve done this is when all the little things (stuck in traffic, misplacing my keys, a line at the market) start to really bother me.

Today, I’ve learned to acknowledge these things and recognize them for what they are: indications that there is something bigger that I’m not facing. As soon as I take the time to look at what’s really going on, I immediately begin to feel better. And once I begin to apply the tools I’ve been given in this program to deal with whatever is going on, I find that it really isn’t such a big deal after all. Today, I use the little things to help me become aware of and to deal with the big things.

[bluidkiti]

October 14

Quote of the Week

"The only thing that can ever make me drink again is untreated alcoholism."

There is a lot in this quote. First, it reminds me that no matter how much time I have in the program, I still have the disease of alcoholism. I used to think, and hope, that one day I would outgrow my addiction. But like someone once said, after each day I stay sober, at night alcoholism is in the closet doing push-ups, and by morning it has grown stronger. In other words, it’s never going away.

And this is why, each day, I have to do something to strengthen my recovery and treat my alcoholism. I can go to a meeting, work the Steps, talk to another alcoholic, or be of service in some other way. Each of these activities helps to keep me spiritually fit, and only by developing, maintaining, and growing my spiritual life can I effectively treat my alcoholism and stay comfortable in my own skin.

Second, this quote reminds me that other people’s untreated alcoholism is a danger to me as well. If I’m not spiritually fit, then I am vulnerable to the influence, the resentment, the lure, and the romance of others’ alcoholism. In these and many other ways, alcoholism truly is cunning, baffling, and powerful. Only by constant vigilance and treatment of it can I remain safe, sober, and recovered.

[bluidkiti]

October 21

Quote of the Week

"We come to A.A. to get a life, not for A.A. to be our life."

After I got over my old ideas about getting sober and fully surrendered to the program, all I wanted to do was hang out in recovery. I felt comfortable and safe going to two meetings a day, seven days a week, and because I was unemployed, I had the time to do so. After meetings, I loved going to fellowship, and some of my fondest memories to date have been late dinners with a group of other sober people. I didn’t want to engage with any family members, and I no longer spoke to any of my old drinking buddies. I lived in the pink cloud of early recovery and never wanted to leave.

After a while, my sponsor suggested I look for work. He said we become self-supporting through our own contributions once we get sober. At first, I thought the stresses of the real world would be too much, and the thought of leaving the comfort of meetings made me pretty anxious. I resisted until I couldn’t borrow enough to live any longer, and so I finally got a job. I hated it. I grew resentful that I had to get up early, drive in traffic, and do something I thought was beneath me. I kept going to my evening meetings, though, and the succor I found there helped me deal with these feelings.

After changing jobs a few times and settling into a more balanced work/recovery life, I realized what the answer was. The key to feeling the same sense of comfort and safety outside of A.A. was to apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. And chief among these is to be of service. Today, when I am engaged in any activity, I find the same feelings of fulfillment I get in the rooms as long as I seek to help others. I now know that I was given a life in A.A. so that I can have a meaningful life outside of A.A. as well.

[bluidkiti]

October 28

Quote of the Week

"I don’t believe in miracles. I depend upon them!"

If you had asked me before recovery if I believed in miracles, I would have laughed in your face. “Look at my life!” I would have said. “There are certainly no miracles happening here.” On hindsight, I wasn’t aware of how miraculous it was I hadn’t, through drunk driving alone, killed myself or anybody else yet, or how the miracle of recovery was about to happen for me.

During the first few years of recovery, the occurrence of miracles was subtle, and I sometimes missed them. My physical sobriety was something I struggled with and then eventually took for granted, but it was surely my first miracle. Later, the grace of emotional recovery and the emerging awareness of and appreciation for my spiritual self were also examples of the miracles taking place in my life. And, of course, I was always surrounded by the many miracles happening for others in the rooms as well.

These days, I have plenty of experience and evidence in my life, and in the lives around me, to believe in the existence of miracles. They may not always look like I expect them to, but they are unfolding in and around me constantly. Today, I realize it’s enough to just believe in their occurrence, and then to suit up and show up and work hard for them, and let God do the rest. Then I watch in wonderment as the miracles happen. Today, I not only believe in miracles, but I realize I am one.

[bluidkiti]

November 4

Quote of the Week

"After five years of sobriety you get your brains back, after ten you learn how to use them, and after fifteen years you realize you never needed them anyway."

What a cord of recognition this struck when I first heard it at ten years sober. I remember the first five years and how I seemed to be in a haze in the beginning. I spent these years learning how to make sense of and deal with my feelings, my life, relationships, and so on. Everything was so new to me. My focus was on recovery and learning how to live life on life’s terms.

Once I passed this phase, I did feel as if I had my brains back, and I began thinking and planning. What career did I want? How about a future with a family? How could I use my new clarity and focus to twist life to suit my needs and wants? If other people had things, why couldn’t I get them, too? And off I went, trying to arrange life to meet my new expectations.

At fifteen years, things shifted for me again. Today, when I get centered and connected to my Higher Power, I see clearly and simply, and I know that my only real purpose is to do God’s work and be of service. It doesn’t take a lot of brains to do that. Instead it takes a continuing willingness to listen to my heart and to follow what I know is right. When I’m “into action” and not “into thinking,” things generally turn out for the best for all concerned.

[bluidkiti]

November 11

Quote of the Week

"Praying is talking to God, and meditation is listening for the answer."

In Step Eleven, we “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him.” For a long time, I wondered what the difference between prayer and meditation was, and then I heard this quote. While it immediately made sense, there were important distinctions I soon had to learn.

In the beginning, my prayers were all about what I wanted to see happen for me and other people. I was busy telling God what to do: “Please let me get that job,” “Help my friend get better,” “Don’t let me lose [. . .].” It took me a long time to realize that God’s will for my life and others far exceeded my limited vision and best intentions.

After years of developing faith through experience, I finally see the wisdom in the second part of Step Eleven: “praying only for the knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.” That knowledge is the answer I listen for in meditation. My faith today comes from my experience in knowing that God’s will for myself or others is always better than what I could think up. Today, I sincerely pray for the knowledge of God’s will, and I listen for the best ways to carry that out.

[bluidkiti]

November 18

Quote of the Week

"Trying to pray is the same thing as praying."

I didn’t pray or meditate much before I got sober. If I did pray, it was either to keep me from getting into trouble or to get me out of the trouble my selfish or self-seeking behavior got me into. As far as meditation went, my mind was way too busy for that. Besides, I had parties to go to. As my life spun out of control, I had very few tools to help me deal with the emptiness and desperation I felt most of the time. Finally, alone and afraid, I reached the bottom of my life, and that’s when I surrendered.

When I began attending meetings, I heard a lot about prayer and meditation. I thought I was screwed because I didn’t know how to do either one. My sponsor was very patient with me and told me to start by just talking to God. When I told him how angry I was with God for letting my life get so bad, he encouraged me to tell God about it. He told me that God could handle anything I might say to Him. So I did. I yelled and cursed and told God off. When I sheepishly told my sponsor some of the things I had been telling God, he smiled and said, “At least you’re finally talking to Him.” And that’s when I began to get better.

I have learned that God doesn’t care how you talk to Him, only that you are talking to Him. My awkward attempts at prayer counted, too, because at least I was praying. And each time I tried to meditate—for even a minute or as much as fifteen minutes—I felt better because I was finally meditating. Today, I know that any effort I make to connect with God is rewarded because God is always there, always listening. Today, I know that trying to pray is the same thing as praying.

[bluidkiti]

November 25

Quote of the Week

"I’m really grateful to be here."

When I finally hit bottom and surrendered, I didn’t think my life could get lower. But then I started attending A.A. meetings. Here was a group of people who had nothing better to do on a Friday or Saturday night than to sit in a room and talk about “the good old days.” And they talked about, of all things, God, and making amends, and their feelings—lots of feelings! I was pretty sure my life was over for good.

I resisted and rebelled for a long time, but I worked the Steps and kept coming back. I still didn’t agree or understand when someone began sharing by identifying as a “grateful alcoholic.” Grateful for what? I’d think. But subtly and powerfully, I began to change. I became more humble as I recognized my part in things, more grateful when I realized how fortunate I had been, and more hopeful because of the new life I’d been given. Soon, I even looked forward to going to meetings.

Years down the road of recovery, I live from a place of sustained gratitude. My life today is nothing like the hopeless, resentful state it once was. Today, I have a purpose and a new freedom I never had before. I’m immensely comfortable in my own skin—an incredible gift for an alcoholic like me. I’m not only grateful for all I do have in my life, I’m grateful I still have a life—something alcoholism nearly stole from me. Today, I can honestly say, I’m really grateful to be here.

[bluidkiti]

December 2

Quote of the Week

"I know I have another drunk in me, but I don’t know if I have another recovery."

A shiver shot down my spine when I first heard this quote. I know how easy it would be for me to pick up a cold Heineken or glass of Cabernet Sauvignon at a nice restaurant. And my disease even tries to convince me I could handle it now. “It’s been years since you’ve had a drink,” it whispers. “You can handle a glass of wine and enjoy it like others do,” it says.

As I think that first drink through, I know I might get away with it, but inevitably I would end up drunk. I know myself well enough to know how obsessive I still am—I can prove that with a large bag of M&M’S. I know I’ve easily got another drunk in me, but I can’t say the same thing about recovery. That’s why this quote resonates so deeply and still gives me the chills.

Getting sober and working the Twelve Steps was a lot of work. Good work, to be sure, but it took countless surrenders, unparalleled willingness, and a humbling of my ego that only the desperation of the drowning can understand. If the embers of alcoholism were lit again, I don’t know if I’d ever be able to contain them. That’s why I pray to God in the morning to keep me sober another day, and I thank Him at night for doing so. I know how easy it would be to get drunk again, but I don’t know if I have the grace and willingness for another recovery.

[bluidkiti]

December 9

Quote of the Week

"Quit with the thinking, and start with the doing."

It took me a long time to learn that I can’t think myself into feeling better. If I sit at home depressed, waiting until I feel like going to a meeting or calling someone, it means I’m going to be at home depressed a long time. Early on, I learned about contrary action, and when I take it and get out of my head, I always feel better.

My sponsor showed me a chapter in the Big Book called “Into Action,” and told me to notice there isn’t one called “Into Thinking.” He taught me that feelings always follow actions, and every time I take a positive action, I get positive feelings. The opposite is also true. If I stay in my head, I almost always feel bad or grow more depressed.

One of the best actions I’ve learned to take in the program is to work with or help another. The power of this action is that while helping another, I’m immediately out of thinking about myself and into being of service. And the magic of service is that while I’m helping another, I’m also helping myself. Today, it’s much easier for me to get out of thinking and get into doing, and afterward I’m glad I did.

[bluidkiti]

December 16

Quote of the Week

"Are you willing to be amazed?"

By the end of my drinking and using, my life had gotten very small and there wasn’t much that excited me anymore. My existence had been reduced to a singular focus—getting loaded. The wonder and possibilities of life, the joy and anticipation of new friends, new opportunities and experiences were crowded out by my overwhelming obsession to drown myself in alcohol. As I slipped deeper into the abyss, I no longer cared if I lived or died. I had reached the end.

But once I surrendered and entered recovery, I discovered that the end actually led to a new beginning: the start of a sober life. As I worked the Twelve Steps, I found they acted like a ladder that allowed me to climb out of the dark pit of self. With each Step, I built a bridge back to other people, and back to life itself. As I learned to focus on my Higher Power and on being of service to others, the feelings of uselessness and self-pity disappeared and I became reborn.

The program of Alcoholics Anonymous has awakened me to a life beyond my imagining. At first, I just hoped to stop drinking, but as I worked through the program, I got more than I could ever have asked for. All the promises have come true for me and so much more. The wonder and possibilities of life have returned, and I wake up each morning with a burning anticipation of what God has in store for me. I have discovered and pursued opportunities I never knew existed. I have had wonderful experiences like meeting and marrying my soul mate, and today I actually have peace and serenity. Today, when I hear a newcomer complain about his life, I listen and then ask, “Are you willing to be amazed?”

[bluidkiti]

December 23

Quote of the Week

"The only thing we can take with us when we leave this world is what we gave away."

For years, I thought the goal in life was to get as much stuff as I could. I measured my worth as a person by how much money I had in the bank, and by how many books and CDs I had. I spent endless hours shopping for expensive cars, hipper clothes, and newer tech devices. I loved when UPS came, and for a few hours I almost felt satisfied. I still remember, however, the moment I pressed the buy button on yet another Amazon order and thought about the package arriving and putting the new, unread books on the shelf next to the other new, unread books. In that moment, I hit another bottom.

When I was new in the program, I was told that if I wanted to feel better, then I had to get out of myself by being of service and by helping others. While I argued that picking up cigarette butts and mopping the floor couldn’t have anything to do with my recovering or feeling better, I did what I was told. Eventually, I was instructed to sponsor and work with others. While I resented getting up early on Sunday mornings to meet with a newcomer before a meeting, I can tell you now that I always felt the deepest satisfaction and feeling of self-worth when I did. Finally, I had found a way to fill the hole inside of me.

What I’ve learned after many years in recovery is that it’s not about me. It’s not about how much I earn, how much I can get, or how much I have. Instead, it’s only about how much I can give away. The truth in my life today is that I’m happiest when I seek to be of service. I’m less in fear when I’m thinking of others, and ultimately, I know that the only thing that really matters now, and will matter forever, is how much I’ve packed into the stream of life. It’s taken a long time, but I finally understand the last line of St. Francis’s prayer: “It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.”

[bluidkiti]

December 30

Quote of the Week

"Serenity is paying attention to what I’m doing right now."

I have a mind that races ahead of where I am, plans outcomes, anticipates obstacles, and prepares for the worst. It’s a busy mind. If it’s not in the future, then it’s reviewing the past, coming up with wouldas, shouldas, and couldas. Drinking offered a respite from this obsessiveness, and for a few hours I was mostly concerned with what was happening in the present. But then my bottom forced me to get sober, and even in the program I found I still had a restless mind.

My endless thoughts wouldn’t let me alone during early sobriety. I woke up in fear, worried most of the day, and at night I’d lie awake imagining dark futures fueled by what ifs. Thank God for my sponsor and the fellowship. They had many suggestions, like when they told me to keep the Big Book at my bedside because reading a few pages would definitely put me to sleep. It worked! They also taught me about being of service, prayer, and building my spiritual tool kit. That all worked—when I worked it.

Many years have passed, and while I’m recovered from the obsession to drink, my mind still likes to get into the future and look for danger. This is the path to insanity for me. Thankfully, I’m much better at reining it back in and focusing it on what I’m doing, what I have, and how fortunate I am right now. I have more than I need to be happy, joyous, and free. And most of all, I have a God of my own understanding, and I have serenity in the here and now. How’s that for the future I used to worry about?