Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - March

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March 1

Avoiding Setbacks

The recovery program always serves a purpose. There is growth in sobriety, and working the Steps in the program provides such growth. There is also a fairly constant force that threatens to pull us down. Sometimes we reach a point where we remain stationary. At such times, danger of slipping increases, because we temporarily do not sense upward momentum. People become lax in working the recovery program when they feel they are not getting much out of it. But they are making a serious mistake. When we think we are not adding much to our development, the program serves the vital function of preventing a rollback.

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March 2

Guidance is Essential

A woman being discharged from treatment was frightened about going home. That was a positive sign, because it is when we are overconfident that we get into trouble. I have a daughter who is 17, and it's frightening that I have to function as her mother, although I am about at her emotional age. With proper help, such as working the Steps and competent counseling, the gap can be closed more quickly. Early in sobriety we operate at a level of maturity behind our chronological age. This is why it is vitally important we take guidance from people who are emotionally more mature.

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March 3

All Drugs Can Be Destructive

Bob was brought to our psychiatric unit in a catatonic state, mute and immobile. The following day two people from NA came to my office and said, Don't give him the medication for schizophrenics. Keep him here where he'll be safe. He'll get better, and we'll take him to a meeting every day. I don't know why I let myself be talked into this, but I did not give Bob medications. Bob not only improved, but has been normal for ten years. Sometimes it is wise to allow the brain to regain normal function after the devastating effect of the chemicals to which it had been subjected.

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March 4

The Importance of Your Sponsor

Our minds can play tricks. We need someone who can help us see things the way they really are. A sponsor is an ideal person to do this. Sponsors usually do not have the biases or personal involvement that distort our thinking, and can be more objective. Sometimes people have difficulties because their sponsors say things they do not want to hear. That is the best indication you have the right person as sponsor. Hearing nice things about yourself does nothing to make you get better. If you feel upset and angry because your sponsor has chastised you, call him or her and say thank you.

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March 5

We Are Responsible for Our Recovery

For the addict, something happens within the body that results in the specific symptoms of each disease. While we don't know all the causes, we do know there are genetic and biochemical factors over which people have no control. Just as we do not think of the diabetic as responsible for her disease, neither should we hold the addict responsible for the abnormality that results in reaction to these chemicals. However, just as diabetics must be responsible for taking their insulin or any other treatment, so addicts must be responsible for their treatment, including abstinence.

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March 6

There Are Things We Cannot Understand

Suffering should not be interpreted as having been abandoned by God. A child who had undergone open-heart surgery was given a painful procedure and screamed. The father knew the procedure was necessary for his child's health, and he suffered along with the child. Like a child, we may not be able to understand how the adversities we experience could be to our ultimate benefit. While we cannot change many things, and must turn to a Higher Power, we should have the security that comes with knowing that the Higher Power does not abandon us. When we suffer, He suffers with us.

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March 7

Learning From Adversity

John had been sober for 32 years, and had outlived all his sponsors. He admitted he felt himself close to relapse. John was surprised to hear that what was happening to him was beneficial. He dealt with his crisis by increasing the frequency of meetings and doing things a newcomer is advised to do. He later confided that his sobriety had taken on a new quality after this episode. When difficult days occur to people who have had years of abstinence, there is no reason to panic. These may be episodes of rejuvenation, which stimulate growth in sobriety and increase one's effectiveness in helping others.

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March 8

Anger

A man was so angry that others were afraid of him. In privacy, I said, It's okay to cry when you're hurt. He promptly broke down in uncontrollable sobbing. This man had converted pain to anger. Whether we feel angry toward others or we think others feel angry toward us, we should ask ourselves: Is this anger legitimate, or is it a result of another feeling that is being denied? If someone seems hostile, we should consider the possibility the anger is not directed toward us, and avoid reacting defensively. If we feel angry toward another, we should realize this anger might be unjust, and learn to acknowledge our true feelings.

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March 9

Recognizing God's Presence

God communicates with us through the people who are placed in our way, and from whom we can learn if we only try. He communicates with us through sublime thoughts and emotions generated by our souls. Perhaps the difference between Prophets of yore and ourselves is when they received the Divine word they said, I am here and I am ready. -- Genesis 22:1. We, too, may hear ourselves being called, but we may not respond. Turning our life over to a Higher Power is our way of saying, I am here, I am ready. Once we sincerely make that statement, we can receive the Divine communication.

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March 10

The Blame Game

We need to take corrective action, and not to blame. We think blaming can relieve us of the burden of doing something about our situation. Rather than make necessary changes in behavior, the addict typically blames others, which appears to absolve him or her from change. Strangely, if someone set fire to your home, you would do whatever necessary to put out the fire, even though you knew who started it. Why not act similarly when our behavior requires change? It is wise to eliminate blame in recovery. Our emphasis should be on what is necessary to recover.

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March 11

Real Change Takes Time

Addiction and recovery are progressive. Especially when the chemical is alcohol, addiction often begins with what appears to be safe, social drinking, and progresses insidiously. Denial prevents a person from realizing what is happening, and progression may last for decades. The moment of truth may come suddenly. Rather than understanding that recovery is a long and progressive process, the expectation is it will be as quick as the moment of truth. We must realize character traits take time to change. The recovering addict should not lose patience, and not have unrealistic expectations. Time takes time.

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March 12

Make a Contribution

While there similarities among chemically dependent people, there are also differences. Each individual's history of addiction and recovery is unique, which is why it is important recovering people frequently attend AA or NA meetings. Over and above what one gets, there is much that one can give. There may be someone who needs to hear your particular story. It will elicit a response in one individual. And even if the event was not unique, it may be the way you describe it that triggers another person's recovery. We all have something unique to contribute. We should not withhold it from others.

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March 13

Learn to Trust

Developing trust is crucial in sobriety. Growing up with an addicted parent can leave emotional scars. You may have felt shame or that you are not good enough. Because these feelings are part of our development, they may seem so natural we don't recognize how destructive they can be. People try to turn their lives over to God, or try to confide in another, but seem unable to do so. They do not realize it is because they never learned how to trust. Attending meetings of Children of Addicts can improve recovery by helping remove some of the obstacles to effective working of the Twelve Steps.

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March 14

True Relationships Don't Come Easily

Chemically dependent people often have problems with relationships. A relationship between two people is a give and take. Each person reacts to the other, and there is flexibility, whereby each gives and receives, and both become enriched. When a relationship is in only one direction, it is not a relationship at all. If we are only taking or only giving, we become so rigid we lose all capacity for adjustment, and we repeat the same situation. Learn to give of yourself, to accept from others, and to be flexible. You can have a truly meaningful relationship.

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March 15

Learning from Hard Times

The seeds of happiness sometimes root in episodes of distress. Not many people get through life without adversity. When we experience suffering, we can hardly philosophize about the ultimate good it may bring. After our painful ordeal is over, and we can look back, we have the option of being resentful and angry toward God or of looking objectively at what happened. We may discover the very things we felt to be so terrible were the seeds of subsequent growth and progress. Even at times of distress, we should bear in mind that the very darkness of suffering is where we are most apt to find our Higher Power.

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March 16

Unconditional Love

True love should be unconditional. If people we love do something self-destructive, we try to stop them, not because we wish to control them but because we love them. If they pay no attention and go on harming themselves, we feel their pain. We may be angry, but we do not love them any less. We cannot condone or reward self-destructive behavior because that would contribute to their destruction. But unconditional love means loving even when we are disappointed or angry. Will others know we love them when we act in their best interests? Even if they do not recognize our love right then, some day they will.

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March 17

Changing Our Whole Life

In Step Twelve we say practice these principles in all our affairs. When we walk, we put one foot in front of the other out of habit. We think about each step, but we would go crazy if we brought these actions under voluntary control. During active addiction, we often drink or use chemicals out of habit. We deceive ourselves in thinking these are voluntary acts. It is only when we realize that we have totally lost control, and turn our lives over to a Higher Power, that we can replace a defective control system with one that works. We should look for a Higher Power to help us.

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March 18

It's Not All Your Fault

There is some confusion about guilt. A recovering person stated he was having a difficult time with guilt. His wife was mentally ill, and he felt his drinking had caused this. No person is so powerful that he or she can make another person psychotic or alcoholic. When we regret having done something wrong, but still feel guilty after making amends, we can ask God's forgiveness to remove the painful feelings of guilt. If we hold on to guilt we have no business having, and ask God to lift that burden of guilt, He may say, Just put it down. You had no business picking it up.

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March 19

Faith and Effort Make a Difference

Faith and action are the ideal combination. Total reliance on God, to the extent that we make no effort on our own behalf, will not succeed. Without Divine rain, our plowing, tilling, and seeding would produce nothing. If it is the right thing to do, we should not be frightened by a challenge, and we should trust that God will help bring our efforts to successful completion. Sobriety is a challenge that requires our maximum effort. But having seen so many times that our own efforts fall short, we invoke Divine assistance. This approach can be applied with equal success to many other challenges in life.

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March 20

Meetings Are Life-Savers

One woman said she was sober, but she had stopped going to AA because she did not enjoy the meetings. Isn't it ludicrous to reject a life-saving treatment because you do not enjoy it? The woman had to realize she had an addictive disease -- potentially fatal if untreated. The proper treatment includes AA, and the meetings are effective. Later the woman said once she saw the meetings as a treatment for her disease, she began enjoying them. There is nothing wrong with enjoying an AA or NA meeting, but we must be aware that these meetings are necessary to arrest the otherwise inexorable process of addiction.

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March 21

Know Yourself

Why is self-awareness important in recovery? A healthy and successful adjustment to life is contingent upon a correct perception of reality. Addiction is commonly characterized by negative self-perceptions. Shakespeare was so right when he said, This above all, to thine own self be true. If we do not have a correct concept of our own selves, then we are misperceiving the most important element of reality: ourselves. The Twelve Step program helps bring about a more accurate self-perception. The Fourth and Fifth Steps lay the groundwork, and the Tenth Step carries it forward. Of course, all the other Steps contribute significantly.

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March 22

Learn to Adapt

We pray for the courage to change the things we can. Change means adaptation, and good sobriety requires the capacity to adapt. Chemical use is often aggravated by rigidity, as when we have the attitude, I am the way I am, and the world should change to suit me. If we do not learn how to adapt, we are certain to become frustrated. We must be flexible and adapt to changes in life. If we remain fixed, we are certain to be disillusioned. As we grow in sobriety, we can minimize the disappointments in life as we improve our ability to adapt.

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March 23

Sobriety Is a Gift of God

Recovering people may tell their therapists, Thank you for saving my life. This is pleasant to hear, but we should recognize the truth. We do many things to guide people to sobriety, and when they succeed, they often give us full credit for the achievement. The truth is that sobriety is not achieved by our own efforts, whether client or therapist. Sobriety is a gift of God. Recovering people can make themselves able to accept that gift, and helpers can show how to stop obstructing God's gift.

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March 24

Let GO of the Past

Newcomers to AA or NA may remark, I must be in the wrong place. If everyone is sober, how come they are smiling? The attitude of AA and NA reflects the Serenity Prayer. Taking one day at a time, we can concentrate all our thoughts and energies on that day. If we obsess on the mistakes of the past, it results in depression that is conducive to relapse. Whether we laugh or cry, the past will not change, so people in the program choose to laugh. Recovering people take life so seriously they cannot dissipate limited energies on futile exercises, such as bewailing the past.

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March 25

Avoid Codependence

When we respond to the pace set by another person, we cannot stop when our warning signals tell us that we are going too far. This is equally true of codependents. If the disease that runs the addict's life also runs you as a codependent, your life can become chaotic. Detachment does not mean you are deserting the addict or severing all relations. It simply means you are avoiding being dragged along. A correct understanding of detachment eliminates this concern. We recognize that the other person has a disease, and we relate to him as long as we set the pace of the relationship.

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March 26

Fear of Intimacy

Chemically dependent people often have a problem with intimacy. True intimacy is contingent upon self-esteem. If we think there is something wrong with us, we are likely to avoid relating to other people for fear they may discover our defects and reject or ridicule us. If we are ashamed of our true selves, such exposure can be frightening. We need to realize that the self of which we are so ashamed is but a figment of our imagination. If we could get to know our true selves, we would have a much different opinion of ourselves and would no longer be reluctant to let others discover who we truly are.

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March 27

Live One Day at a Time

One day at a time does not mean doing today only that which is useful today. Doing something today to prepare for the future or to compensate for the past is perfectly okay. However, if we worry about a past or future event we can do nothing about -- for example, if we think today how we are going to deal with the urge to drink next holiday season -- that is a violation of one day at a time. One day at a time simply means dealing today with something we can do something about, and leaving alone those things we can do nothing about.

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March 28

Like Yourself

While we are all expert at enjoying diversions, such as music, television, books, or sports, few of us can truly relax, which means lying back with our eyes closed yet not asleep, just enjoying being by ourselves. If you are alone in the company of someone you do not like, you become uneasy. One man wrote: Without anything to divert me from myself, I simply did not like the company I was in, because I did not like myself! If we like ourselves, we can relax without brain-depressing chemicals. Recovery helps us like ourselves.

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March 29

Honesty

Sobriety requires rigorous honesty. Addiction is full of deceit: lying, cheating, cover-ups. In recovery, it is essential to abandon dishonesty and become truthful, even if it hurts. We should always be proud of what we have done. True pride is constructive. False pride is destructive and prevents us from admitting powerlessness and from taking a moral inventory. True pride prevents self-ruination by chemicals, and will not allow us to do anything beneath our dignity. Honesty and true pride can make life much easier. At the end of each day we can feel good about what we have done and not make excuses.

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March 30

Learn to Feel Again

In recovery we must deal with feelings. Many admit difficulty in managing negative feelings: anger, hatred, grief, or envy. But they may not perceive why they need help with feelings such as pride, joy, or being loved. People who are unable to deal with anger do not know how to turn off their angry feelings, and may shut off all their feelings. When we help the recovering person manage feelings, we open the feeling system again. This flood of feelings may cause confusion and anxiety, and can be one reason for relapse. We must have patience in learning how to deal with our feelings.

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March 31

Resentment

We rarely learn from pleasant experiences; it is the painful ones that teach us what to avoid and make us turn to others for help. They make us pray, and bring us closer to God. They sensitize us to others who suffer, so we can empathize and extend help wherever possible. Our character develops more as a result of painful experiences than of enjoyable ones. What growth would there be if we were always content? The human soul can survive only if it grows, and growth comes at the price of suffering. The things we resent the most may be those that give us our greatest growth.