Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - January

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January 1

Why Start the New Year Numb?

The truly happy New Year's Day is a sober one. On December 3 I, people gather, many of them intoxicated with alcohol, and exclaim, Happy New Year! Alcohol makes people feel better because it numbs the distress they are experiencing. No one uses anesthetic to eliminate good feelings. People who have had sobriety during the year do not need to be anesthetized to greet the New Year. They can look back on a period of personal growth because each day was an achievement, bringing new strength and skills. A year of sobriety can be enjoyed with pride.

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January 2

Dealing with Anger.

During active addiction, we either kill emotions with chemicals or cast away inhibitions and act out emotions. Neither of these approaches is healthy or tolerable. There is a difference between feeling and reacting. If you do perceive anger, you have a choice of how to react. With sober judgment, you can choose the most prudent response. You may decide kicking and screaming will make more noise than sense, and delay your response until you can deliver it with calm, deliberate logic, which gives you a much better chance of getting your point across.

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January 3

Learning from Loss.

How can we best deal with adversities resulting from addiction? One recovering woman said, When I lost things that were important to me during my drinking, I was bitter, angry, and rebellious. Now, with a sober mind, I can look back and see this was God's way of taking from me things I did not have good enough sense to give up myself. People years into recovery have stated they never could have achieved growth and maturity in any other way. In talking to families of people in addiction, we point out the necessity for tough love, which must contain both elements: sincere love and requisite firmness.

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January 4

Growth in Sobriety

can provide a feeling of self-worth. One woman said, I used to depend on others to make me feel good. When no one gave me the love I wanted, I decided there must be something wrong with me for needing so much and felt ashamed. As I recovered, I accepted my neediness and became willing to believe God loved me and would bring happiness into my life if I would let Him. I realized God did not give me my needs to use against me, but to enrich my life. God made me a worthwhile person and a loving and lovable woman. When I developed faith that God put goodness in me, I knew I would find it.

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January 5

Family Participation in Recovery

Addictive behavior can be so distressful that when recovery begins, everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But, sobriety results in a marked change in the addict's life-style, and that can be stressful to family members. When a significant change occurs in one member of the family, this calls for changes in other family members. It is important, therefore, that family members share in the recovery process. Family involvement, with Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or counseling with qualified family therapists, can help family members make necessary adjustments so recovery is simpler and more pleasant for all.

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January 6

Face Sobriety with Realistic Expectations

Some people think when they stop using chemicals everything will be okay. But many use chemicals to escape from problems with which they feel unable to cope. When escaping stops, unresolved problems must be confronted, and this may not be an easy task. Fortunately, recovery programs help people know they do have the ability to cope with their problems. With proper help, you can find successful solutions. And as newly discovered skills and strengths help you cope more effectively with reality, life does become more manageable, easier, and even quite pleasant.

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January 7

Growth Requires Courage

Our grandmothers used to say that some discomforts children have are growing pains. They knew growth is rarely without pain. Humans do not have to risk their lives in order to grow, but if we do not wish to live under the oppression of our limitations, we must take risks in expanding our personalities. Trying new things carries a risk of failure, and we must often put our egos on the line. People in the recovery fellowships are fortunate in having the safety net of the program. Nevertheless, growth requires courage, and that is why we pray for the courage to change the things we can.

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January 8

Self-Awareness Brings Self-Improvement

Recovery from chemical dependency requires changing undesirable character traits -- like the desperate attempt by a person with low self-esteem to feel better by belittling others. In recovery, people learn to take their own personality inventories, work their own character defects, and try to make amends for mistakes. This generally results in being less critical of others, as well as bringing about self-improvement. As self-esteem improves with sobriety, there is no longer any need to be critical of and debase others in order to achieve a feeling of superiority.

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January 9

Learn To Let Go of Guilt

We may feel guilty when we fail, even if what we did was ethically correct. This is a serious mistake. Since we do not have control of how something will turn out, there is no reason to feel guilty if the result is unfavorable. All we can do is get the best guidance possible, and be sincere in our intentions. People in recovery have the advantage of being reminded there are things over which we have no control, which we must turn over to a Higher Power. This should help prevent feelings of guilt that might occur when good intentions do not produce desired results.

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January 10

Accept the Promise of Hope

Even in sobriety, depression with despair may occur, and we may feel hopeless when we do not see any way out. People who recover from chemicals, however, may remember times whey they saw and heard things that did not exist, and they realize it is possible to misperceive. This can help them realize that even if things appear hopeless, this too may be a misperception of depression, just as delusions are misperceptions brought on by chemical use. Therefore, we can accept that if we have hope, and continue to push through the darkness, we can eventually see the light of happiness.

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January 11

From Denial to Self-Awareness

Many people are not lying when they say they are not addicted. They are simply unable to see they have lost control, or that there is a relationship between chemical use and what is happening in their lives. Take a careful inventory of what you think, feel, and believe and share that with an objective observer, who may be able to point out misperceptions. Since misperceptions are often rationalizations, it helps if we decide never to defend a mistake, but rather admit it promptly. When denial is overcome, the correct perception of reality leads to better functioning and greater happiness.

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January 12

Learn to Forgive Yourself

One woman wrote, I finally am sober, and even enjoying it. When I finished treatment, I went to meetings, but that was all. I was angry about being an alcoholic, and I didn't know how to live sober. I didn't know why I got another chance. Many people never make it back. Why me? Well, maybe I do deserve it after all. It's terrible not to be able to forgive yourself. While I did things I regret, I can't pinpoint what it was that was so unforgivable. Just as we ask forgiveness from others, we must be able to forgive ourselves. The inability to forgive yourself can stand in the way of your recovery.

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January 13

Sex, Addiction, and Recovery

It is naive to think abstinence from chemicals will eliminate difficulties in sexual relationships. During active addiction, both partners may be subjected to harsh words and abusive behavior. There may have been behavioral indiscretions that can leave deep wounds. Competent counseling is indispensable. It is important the therapist have a thorough understanding of chemical dependency and the factors that occur during addiction and recovery. Lack of such knowledge can result in working at cross-purposes with other recovery resources, and may cause confusion rather than bring resolution.

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January 14

Don't Punish Yourself

Sick people are not bad people. One woman was convinced that because she was alcoholic she was a second-class citizen. She did not accept that she had a disease, and continued to punish herself for being addicted. People who realize addiction is a disease can turn their attention to the business of getting better. People who have other types of diseases do not feel guilty or look for scapegoats. Rather, they try to become as healthy as possible. The same approach should be used with addiction.

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January 15

Positive Thinking Brings Positive Results

Some people hesitate to undertake something, or discontinue it because they feel they are unable to do it. In fact, some people resort to chemicals because they feel unable to cope with stressful situations. As people recover from addiction, they become increasingly aware of their abilities. They can then look back and see how unnecessary it was to escape into chemicals. This awareness of your abilities increases as sobriety progresses, so with each additional increment of sobriety, the recovering person feels more efficient, more capable, and more likable.

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January 16

The First Step Towards Recovery

Before we can have effective treatment, we must make a correct diagnosis. In many self-defeating behaviors, the diagnosis should contain the words inability to implement a decision, which is really what is meant by the recognition that one is powerless. This is the first step in recovery from chemicals. Once the powerlessness is accepted, the other steps in recovery can follow. The Twelve Steps of recovery enable you to build self-esteem and personality strength, so that you can truly master your own life, make proper decisions, and avoid self-defeating behavior.

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January 17

Learning From a Crisis

A recovering person can overcome a negative self-perception, but a trace may linger. Even years later, when confronted with stress, self-doubt may be resurrected, with a risk of relapse. But even if you do not go back to chemicals, the phenomenon known as a dry drunk can occur, with behaviors of the active phase: depression, indecision, isolating, overcompensating, rationalizing, projecting blame onto others. At these times, you should increase attendance at meetings, contact your sponsor, and renew your work on the Twelve Steps. The character growth that is achieved can be most gratifying.

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January 18

Lectures Are Not the Answer

Many people have been threatened with loss of job, family, or driver's license, but threats do not work. No one gets lectured as much as the alcoholic, and lectures are not the answer. People who recover remember the moment of truth -- when they became aware of their powerlessness and their willingness to turn their lives over to a Higher Power. It was then their values changed, and they changed, too. If we expect people to avoid alcohol and other drugs, we have to help them achieve a sense of living and a quality of life that will make chemical use unnecessary and undesirable.

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January 19

Don't Get Tripped Up By Maybe

Addicts are capable of some strange thinking. One man decided since he could go for weeks without using, he would give up cocaine completely. After two weeks, I picked it up again. I became convinced it was absolutely impossible to stop on my own, maybe, he said. Absolutely impossible, maybe. Aren't these diametrically opposed? Of course! This is an example of the contradictory thinking that can occur in addiction, and it is something we need to recheck in sobriety. It may be the prelude to relapse, when all our absolute convictions end up with maybe.

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January 20

The Serenity Prayer

The serenity to accept that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which we can, and the wisdom to know the difference -- is indeed a pillar of recovery. Answers to prayers often come through people, because God uses people to convey answers we seek. When our sponsors or counselors tell us to do something, and assure us we are able to accomplish it, that may be how the wisdom to know the difference is suggested. Maybe we should call it the Serenity Prayer one month, the Courage Prayer the next, and the Wisdom Prayer the next, with all three components given equal emphasis.

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January 21

The Twelve Step Program is Versatile

It began as a program for recovery from alcoholism, but we find the Twelve Steps used for drug addiction (NA), compulsive gambling (GA), eating disorders (OA), and codependency (Al-Anon and Nar-Anon). Twelve Steps is the motor that propels recovery, but it does require the proper attachments. If in addition to a drinking problem you have a gambling problem, you must use the GA attachment. For an eating disorder, you must use the OA attachment. Going to another of the Twelve Step programs should not affect your original program. It can only enrich it.

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January 22

Be Fair to Yourself

When a child brings home a test with an A+, we might display this on the refrigerator. If they bring home a failing grade, we never tell them, 'Look how terrible you are,' or remind them of their failure every time they go to the refrigerator. Why don't we use this logic on ourselves? Why do we wallow in the misery of our mistakes and see ourselves as failures? Yet when we succeed, we dismiss that as a freak accident. The way to deal with our failures is to see why we failed and how to do better next time, all the while keeping our attitude positive. We should learn from our mistakes, but not dwell on them.

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January 23

Culture of Instant Gratification

Why are intelligent people not discouraged from using chemicals by obvious and harmful consequences? When major purchases like automobiles and appliances are bought on credit, we pay dearly in terms of high interest rates. Some have gone bankrupt by spending more than they earn. The buy now, pay later attitude may be contributing to the rise in chemical abuse. How can we convince children to forgo the high of chemicals because of future harmful effects, when our life-style tells them it's okay to get what you want now, though you may pay an exorbitant price later on?

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January 24

Learn to Relax

Relaxation is not always easy. I allow my mind to drift to a pleasant past event because I know how it turned out. We may be unable to enjoy the present because of uncertainty and of a fear that the good things might not last. It is only when the successful present becomes the past that we can enjoy it. But if we are able to turn our lives over to God, and develop the kind of trust that allows us to say, My life is in Your hands, and You know best, much of our anxiety will be gone and we can enjoy the healthy, chemical-free relaxation we all need.

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January 25

Twelve Step Meetings: They Work

Some people seek psychiatric treatment rather than join an addiction recovery program because they think they might be diagnosed as having something other than addiction. But experience shows analyzing the past does not have much effect on addiction. The reason water puts out fire is because it prevents oxygen from reaching flames. If your house were afire, you would not want a firefighter to theorize. You would want to pour on water because it works. This is the message of recovery. Don't theorize; just keep coming back, because it works.

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January 26

Learn to Think in New Ways

Addicts sometimes have an either-or type of thinking. They may be rigid, seeing things in extremes, without flexibility that exists in reality. Whether with a job or relationship, thinking only in extremes is destructive and changing is not easy. You may have been using either-or thinking even before active chemical use began. The family as well as the addicted person needs to understand that changes in thought habits are gradual. Improvements in thinking and behavior do occur, however, and when thinking only in extremes is discarded, solutions to problems can be found.

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January 27

The Meaning of Life

Many addicts have a distorted perception of what there is to life and feel cheated because they think others are getting more. The idea that there are more thrills than you are getting is a fantasy. Sometimes there is an inability to feel. The chemically dependent person has shut down the feeling system in order to avoid unpleasant feelings. If this is your case, you need help in learning to deal with feelings, and to dismantle the blockade that prevents you from feeling joy and excitement. Life can be interesting and enjoyable. If we don't see it that way, we need help to correct our perceptions.

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January 28

Spirituality In Recovery

We may not recognize our discontent is due to a lack of spirituality. We try to overcome it with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, or money. But these give only transitory gratification. Some people give up chemicals, but become gamblers or overeaters: just another futile attempt to satisfy the craving for spirituality. Many recovering people say, During periods of abstinence, I would feel a void inside myself. Now I know that that void was the space where God belonged. Addiction is, among other things, a spiritual disease. True sobriety cannot be achieved unless that need is satisfied.

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January 29

Stay With the Program

Addiction can be arrested, but not cured. People who stop working the Twelve Step program are apt to develop behavioral symptoms: hanging onto resentments, self-righteousness, too much time at work and alienating family, avoiding religion, blaming everyone for whatever goes wrong, and trying to control everything and everyone. Even if this does not lead to chemical relapse, it makes everyone miserable and may result in job loss, marriage breakup, loneliness. Twelve Steps is a treatment for a faulty life-style. As long as the disease is present, you should continue the treatment.

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January 30

Overcoming Morbid Expectations

Many have a feeling of being jinxed. Or perhaps they have failed so often in the past they feel more comfortable with failure. As painful as failure is, at least it is familiar. Success is new and unknown, and the unknown can be frightening. Therapy can help overcome the irrational feeling of being jinxed. A sponsor can help with the fear of the unknown that accompanies success. If we develop a trust in a Higher Power, and believe God looks out for us, we can overcome the anxiety of morbid expectations. While unpleasant occurrences may occur in life, there is no reason to anticipate them.

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January 31

Finding Real Love

Not all that goes for love is really love. We often misinterpret love. A man can love his wife and children, and he can love spaghetti. But when we love a food, we actually love ourselves, and the tasty food just provides the gratification of our desire. We can love people in the same way. A man may love a woman because she satisfies his needs. He really then loves himself, and the woman is just a vehicle for providing gratification. True love is not self-centered. It exists when we are ready to sacrifice our convenience and pleasures for the wellbeing and happiness of another person.