Relationships

[MajestyJo]

The Relationship Dance

“A lady of forty-seven who has been married twenty-seven years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: Love is what you've been through with somebody.”

— James Thurber

You chose partners who will bring your deepest hidden fears to the surface.

Unfortunately, when those fears come to the surface, you often blame the other person for causing them. You don't realize that it was your owninspired choice of partners - driven by your need to grow beyond your fears- that brought the material to the surface. If you don't find your way out of this trap, you often pull back from the relationship and recycle the fears in some other relationship.

The conscious living (and loving) alternative: when your fears come up in relationships, take responsibility for them. Don't blame others for causing them. Instead, thank them for helping to enlighten you, and ask for their support in helping you move through your fears to greater intimacy.

An example, if cliche: the commitment phobic bachelor who has a twenty-year run, say, of shallow relationships and bemoans the lack of constancy and
faithfulness in his love life. What might he discover if, when he feels fear in a new relationship, he owns his fear? What if instead of blaming his new partner for wanting too much too fast he were to acknowledge that
perhaps he is the one who feels tremendous need - and thus tremendous fear?

A conscious living practice for today

Think of one or two people who bring up the deepest emotions in you. Who pushes your buttons? Reach out to those people today -with a talk or a call or a note-and thank them for bringing you such powerful learning’s.

The book,"A Year of Living Consciously" by Gay Hendricks, © 1999

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0062515888/granmethesereadd

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From DailyReflections-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

May 20, 2004

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[MajestyJo]

Excerpt: The Five People You Meet In Heaven

by Mich Albom

ALL PARENTS DAMAGE their children. It cannot be helped.

Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers.

Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.

Thought For Today:

This reminds me of the many times I have looked at my son and thought, "He had a good teacher!"

Thanks to recovery I know I did the best I could, you can't teach what you don't know, you can't express what you don't know how, and you don't have to pay for the rest of your life. It was important to come to a place of acceptance and move on and knowing, that he too has freedom of choice and a God who I hope he gets to understand one day.

When my son showed up he was quite polluted. I told him he stunk. He said, "I stinketh do I? To high heaven?" I said, "There is nothing heavenly about it." Then it lead to me not having the window open and I said I was cold. He said, "Don't you have a blanket?" (Later had a talk with my friend and she asked me if I needed any) I said, "Nothing that fits my bed, but don't need anything heavy my sheet is enough." He brings out the comforter for his bed and says this is clean it doesn't smell, meanwhile keep in mind he is reeking of booze. I wrinkled up my nose and said, "Toe jam!" He said, "Very funny Mother!" and left to see his girlfriend.

He has a kind heart and it hurts to see him caught up in his disease. I just have to keep loving the person under it.

Something I posted on another site several years ago.

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[MajestyJo]

Love can be its own reward.
Arnold Lobel

The feeling of attachment, of being related, of caring about someone, is what life is all about. Before recovery, we may have feared we could not love anyone When we feel love, we may also feel cheated because our affections aren't returned as we want them to be. Or we may think relationships are just too complicated and painful. It's true that relationships are difficult at times. The only thing more difficult is having none.

In this quiet moment, let's reflect on our relationships. Close attachments to both men and women essential to our progress. Without them, we would not be in recovery. We don't need to say to our friends "What have you done for me?" We can feel an inner fullness and satisfaction, knowing we have relationships we truly care about and we are accepted as are. That alone is a remarkable reward.

I appreciate the joys my relationships bring.

Original Source Unknown posted in 2005

The only relationships I had with others, were those based on my using. What I could get from or talk some one out or something that I wanted to continue my using. If I wasn't happy, they were not doing their job, only to find out in recovery, that it wasn't their job in the first place. I was responsible for my own happiness. It was my first resentment. How dare you say I am responsible, when in fact, it was because of them I used in the first place.:wink:

My second husband was suppose to be my supplier, the bread winner to allow me to party and live in the style that I wanted to become accustomed and how dare he get fired, three months after we were married. More importantly, how dare his boss blame me for his actions. I didn't know that my husband didn't trust my actions while he was away on the road. I wonder why???

The most important relationship in today is the one I have with my Higher Power. It allows me to have a relationship with myself, and through Him, I can have a relationship with you.

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[MajestyJo]

The Relationship Dance

“A lady of forty-seven who has been married twenty-seven years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: Love is what you've been through with somebody.”

— James Thurber


Looked at this quote and thought, "I don't know what love is, I just know what it isn't." My sister has been married almost 47 years. I know that I was never willing to play the roles that she was willing to play to maintain her marriage.

It took me two husband to get 10 years of marriage to two abusive husbands. The difference in recovery, was recognizing a situation for what it was and not willing to go through that experience again. For the most part, it was someone, getting comfortable in my space and unwilling to make space for themselves.

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When I look to another to complete my needs, I am forgetting that God meets my needs. I need to be complete and whole within myself. Two needy people make for an unhealthy relationship, and I know that when I get needy, as I have said many times, I get greedy. When I get greedy, my dis-ease kicks in and I want more, whether it is attention, money, 'stuff' and/or work, busy, food, or some other form of drug, even if I don't pick up alcohol or street or prescription drugs.

Drugs come in the flesh and blood variety. When I fix you up, I don't have to look at me. When I make you all better, I can compare instead of identify, and honey, you are so much sicker than I am.

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[MajestyJo]

"The degree to which I create relationships which facilitate the growth of others as separate persons is a measure of the growth I have achieved for myself."

- Carl R. Rogers

People in healthy, loving relationships give each other the "gift of wings" to make their individual dreams come true. When love is wise, it realizes that each partner has special gifts to develop & contribute to living, the development of which makes them more of who they really are.

We seem most truly alive when the ones we love give us their encouragement & blessings to develop our potential. Wise loving gives each of us room to breathe & grow.

Some of us fear that a spirit of freedom will cause those we love to leave us & in our fear of abandonment, we hang on tight & work to put walls around our love. In a healthy relationship the "gift of wings" allows us each to soar, then gratefully return with an abundance of love & gratitude to celebrate & share with our partners.

Today, let me get honest in my appraisal of my relationships. Do I build bars & locks or encourage wings in the people I love?

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:

Freedom to be me was something that I never had in any relationship I had prior to recovery. Either I took someone hostage or I was taken hostage, and when I found myself in my first relationship in recovery, I realized that I was able to set boundaries, and it was his progam, my program, and our program.

The first recovery relationship I was in, he got comfortable in my space and didn't make space for himself. He would read a book, watch TV, and completely shut me out. He said, "I like sitting down in your restaurant and never took me out." He expected me to fix everything and take over all his cares and troubles and was not willing to take responsibility for himself. Didn't get a sponsor, rarely went to meetings, and he looked to me to be his support and fixer-upper.

We got together three times and broke up three times. He eventually went back to school, and we got back together. We split up, he got a job, and we got back together. In the end, he had three months on the job, had security and he broke off the relationship. Got his own place, then found a woman who would 'take care' of him. I was so grateful for the program and the ability to set the boundaries, to see the abuse and disrespect of the person, and to have the courage and strength to break it off was a big thing for me.

I was so grateful for the three years of Al-Anon, which showed me that I was worthwhile, which helped me to find me and my self-worth and self-esteem.

Posted on another site in 2004

[MajestyJo]

Woe to people who look without understanding, who do not know their foundations. - The Talmud


The meaning of life is revealed to those who are ready to accept things which will be revealed. And it is he who has already decided that he will accept the truth as it is and is willing to change the way of life he or she has been accustomed to. If we are ready for the knowledge and wisdom, we then ask and it is presented to us.

This quote and the one before are from the Newsletter Antesian Road to Enlightenment and used with permission.

One of the greatest of gifts has been the awareness of the fact that if something is comfortable, it doesn't necessarily mean it is right. In fact, in reality, it is the complete opposite. When it is comfortable, it is like a well worn shoe, it needs to be removed, and possibly with new structure, more secure reinforced concepts, and from a complete new understanding.

It often causes pain and a few sore spots, but in the end, the new product looks and works so much better we wonder how we ever managed before.

I like the word foundation. I need to look at what it is built on, and whether it needs reinforcing and repair, or is it better, to tear down and rebuild.

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