Chuckles

[MajestyJo]

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[MajestyJo]

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The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
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No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your _ _ _)

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You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

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The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

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The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

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Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

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Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !

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The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man.

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Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

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PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!

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The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
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It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

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And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

So.......................

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......and go move your toothbrush !!!

Received with thanks from my friend Carey in Texas

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[MajestyJo]

House Cleaning Tips:

Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. Ladies, if our husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and
exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing your little hand-sewn stuffed animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

Unexpected Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say,"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

Last Resort:
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teasthingy of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another Favorite from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Emergency Cleaning:
Thanks to Phyllis Diller, we know the quickest way to hide dirt is to change to lower-wattage light bulbs. (I'm now down to 7 watt nightlights though out my house and also enjoy lower electricity bills)

Received this from my friend Carey

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[LookingOut]

House Cleaning Tips:

Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. Ladies, if our husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and
exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?"(Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing your little hand-sewn stuffed animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

Unexpected Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say,"I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

Last Resort:
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teasthingy of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another Favorite from Erma Bombeck:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

Emergency Cleaning:
Thanks to Phyllis Diller, we know the quickest way to hide dirt is to change to lower-wattage light bulbs. (I'm now down to 7 watt nightlights though out my house and also enjoy lower electricity bills)

Received this from my friend Carey

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Now THIS is my kind of housecleaning! LOL

My mom always said, "I just hate housecleaning. You get all finished and 6 months later you have to do it all over again!"

I have a sign in my entryway that says, "A clean house is a sign of a misspent life!" That's my excuse and I'm sticking with it! LOL

:grin:

[MajestyJo]

Helping Dad

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said.

"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

=====

When we moved into our new house 15 years ago, the dishwasher wasn't working. My mother would occasionally come over to watch my 2 sons, then 8 & 9. After awhile we replaced the broken dishwasher. The next time my mother came over she had given some snacks to the boys. After they ate, she proceeded to wash the dishes by hand. My 8 year old looked at her and said "Grandma, we have a new dishwasher, we don't need an old one".

To this day my mother still repeats the story.

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Wedding rings do help turn night owls into homing pigeons.

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Baloney is flattery so thick it cannot be true; blarney is flattery so thin we like it.

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There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.

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Jack and Sue have a nip-and-tuck marriage. He takes a nip, and she tucks him in.

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Mary Jane claims she's just turned thirty--it must have been a U turn.

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[MajestyJo]

The Fight

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie, the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really?" said Charles. "Now, that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

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[MajestyJo]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

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[MajestyJo]

The Man Song by Sean Morey

I don't take no crap from anybody ... else but you.
I wear the pants around here...when I'm finished with your laundry.
'Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight ... when I say "jump" you say "yeah, right."
I'm the man of this house ... until you get home.

He's the man! He's the man!

What I say goes around here ... right out the window.
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining ... so I'll shut up.
The sooner you learn who's boss around here ... the sooner you can give me my orders, dear.
'Cause I am the head honcho around here ... but it's all in my head.

He's the man! He's the man!

And I can have sex anytime ... that you want.
'Cause I'm a man who has needs ... but they're not that important.
And don't expect any flowers from me ... because if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry.
I'm the king of my castle ... when you're not around.

He's the man! He's the man!

And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want ... to get into trouble.
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready ... to sleep on the couch.
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do ... and I'm going to do what you tell me to.
Because I'm top dog around here ... but I've been neutered!

He's the man! He's the man! You the man!

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[MajestyJo]

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One Day After Christmas

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It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.

It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.

They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.

The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.

It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys

My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair

I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.

[MajestyJo]

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

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If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I 'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa. I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

[MajestyJo]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .....

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you??

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[MajestyJo]

WALKING ON THE GRASS

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught...

[MajestyJo]

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Don't stretch the truth, stretch the body, mind and spirit.

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[MajestyJo]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
Part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

– John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
Had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
Opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

– Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
Population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
Landing was faked.

– David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

– Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.

– Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
Them for thirty years.

– Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
Strength of the lifeboats.

– Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
Out the garbage.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

– Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

– Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

– Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

– Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

– Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

– Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

– Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
But I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
For, I have no idea.

– W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

– Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
Impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

– Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
Man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

– Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

– Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

– Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

– George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

– Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

– Robert Benchley

[MajestyJo]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every
Part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

– John Glenn


When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
Had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we
Opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

– Desmond Tutu


America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
Population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
Landing was faked.

– David Letterman


I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

– Howard Hughes


After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.

– Italian proverb


Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over
Them for thirty years.

– Betsy Salkind


The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
Strength of the lifeboats.

– Jean Kerr


I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
Out the garbage.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor


You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

– Jeff Foxworthy



When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

– Prince Philip



A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

– Emo Philips.


Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

– Harrison Ford


The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

– Spike Milligan


Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

– Robin Hall


Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

– Jean Rostand.


Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars
But I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger.


We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
For, I have no idea.

– W.H. Auden


In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

– Jonathan Katz



If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
Impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson


I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

– Arthur C Clarke


Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a
Man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

– Steve Martin


Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

– Jimmy Durante


America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

– Doug Hamwell


The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

– George Roberts


If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport

– Jonathan Winters


I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

– Robert Benchley

Received with thanks from my friend Patricia

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[MajestyJo]

This person has found her way into my house and could also get into yours.


A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely, obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.

Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.

I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.


For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit.


And she messes with files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.

And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.


She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.



Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.



Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me.


I hope she never finds out where you live. I really do!

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[MajestyJo]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the
time. I just don't know what to do."

An older fellow, about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked
over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****e!"

https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=f1937f8ea3&view=att&th=145c87b14f723234&attid=0.0.15&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

You want proof of climate change? - here it is - and you don't need to understand French, to get the message.

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[MajestyJo]

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MountainWings A MountainWings Moment
#4056 Wings Over The Mountains of Life
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Senator
=======

While walking down the street one day, a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity.

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down to Hell.

The doors open, and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all
her friends and other politicians who had worked with her.

Everyone is very happy. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before she realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

She reflects for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator, and she goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now, the doors of the elevator open, and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and we danced and had a great time. Now there is a
wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.

Today, you voted for us!"

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[MajestyJo]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.

----------

A drunk opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best drinking buddy. Did you see the paper?" he asked. "They say I died." Yes, I saw it." his buddy replied "Where are ye callin' from?"

----------

A drunk headed home from the local saloon comes upon a tent service one evening down by the river. Loosing his already shaky footing on the slight hillside, he proceeds to stumble right on down into the water, ending up next to the preacher. The preacher immediately grabs him by the shoulder, and says, "Mister, are you ready to find God?"

The drunk looks back at him with bleary eyes, and says, "Uh ... um ... well, If you think it'll help ... yes sir, I am."

The preacher then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up, declaring, "Have you found God?"

"No sir, I ain't." replies the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a little bit longer, brings him up, and declares once again, "Now, have you found God?"

"No sir, I Aint!" says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least thirty full seconds this time, jerks him back up, and demands, "WELL? Have you found God yet?!?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes, and pleads, "No sir, I aint!!! Are you sure this is where He fell in???"

----------

Two rednecks, Bubba and Gator, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of bud.

The passenger, Bubba,said. "Lookey thar up ahead, Gator, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!! "Don't worry Bubba" Gator said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What fer?" Asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin okay?" Said Gator. Well, they finished their beers,threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sherriff said, "You boys been drinkin?". "No sir" Gator said. "We're on the patch."

----------

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted another man below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man below replied, "You’re in a hot air ball hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a sponsor," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonists, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.

Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be a sponsee" "I am,: replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect other people to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."

Snagged from AA Sober Living. I think a couple may already be here somewhere.

[MajestyJo]

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, t here wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

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