Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - December

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December 1

We Are Never Alone

Ever since we were children, abandonment has been a source of anxiety. Psychologists state that repressed feelings continue to affect our emotions and influence our behavior. A theologian who experienced depression wrote that in his darkest moments, he was comforted by the verse: If I rise to the heavens, You are there, and if I descend into the depths, You are there too. - Psalms 139:8. While God is always with us, it is even more comforting when we can think, I have always been with Him, so why should He not be with me now? We can live a life that banishes terror of abandonment forever.

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December 2

Growth Through Adversity

A young professional woman with several years of sobriety was treated very shabbily in her application for a position because of her history of addiction. She stated, I really don't have any resentments against this person, because he did me a great favor. I've survived this ordeal, and the next one I encounter will be just a piece of pie. Adversities are not pleasant, but life is full of them. We cannot escape them, and we need strength to cope effectively. We need not love people who have mistreated us, but surviving one ordeal strengthens us and prepares us for the difficulties that are inevitable in life.

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December 3

It's More Than Just Self-Help

Tom reluctantly admitted his alcoholism. His attendance at AA was infrequent and perfunctory. A young man asked, Are you with AA? I just got out of detox and they told me to go to a meeting and get a sponsor. The young man appeared so needy that Tom offered to sponsor him. He decided to get to know what AA is all about in order to help the young man. On his 15th anniversary of sobriety, he said, I am dry 15 years, but sober only 12. It wasn't until I entered AA that I became sober, and I owe it all to that kid. Try helping someone. It works.

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December 4

No One Is Turned Away

AA and NA meeting rooms are homes from which no addict is ever turned away. A man visited Spain on business. He had been told that missing meetings was risky for relapse. Wishing to maintain his precious sobriety, he attended a Spanish meeting. I was welcomed with handshakes and hugs. I sat through the meeting without understanding a single word, but it was okay because I knew exactly what they were saying. Recovering people have homes and friends all over the world, and understand more languages -- as long as the subject being discussed is recovery from addiction.

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December 5

The Difference Between Self-Knowledge and Self-Absorption

Preoccupation with ourselves can become an obsession, in which our personal desires are all that matter. The addictive attitude is, I've got to have what I want when I want it, and the rest of the world be damned. Elimination of character defects, making amends, and attainment of humility in recovery are the antithesis of self-centeredness. Participation in the program, sharing, and helping others in sobriety help prevent obsession with ourselves. Solitary recovery runs the risk of self-centered abstinence.

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December 6

Finding the Right Approach

We must have serenity in order to be courageous. If we approach a challenge with serenity, we can see things in proper perspective, come to a correct decision, and act constructively. If we approach the same challenge with intense anxiety, our perception, thought, and action are all distorted, and we are virtually certain to fail. Sometimes we benefit from the wisdom and experience of others with a solution. At the very least, describing the problem to others can help us discover factors of which we had been unaware. With the proper perspective, we can find the courage to act.

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December 7

Building Character

We do not tolerate incompatibility in character traits. Greed, envy, selfishness, lying, arrogance, and vanity are mutually compatible. Kindness, truth, humility, consideration, and benevolence are mutually compatible. But elements in the first group are incompatible with elements in the second. Active addiction is characterized by traits of the first group. If we maintain sobriety, the movement can be in only one direction, making character traits compatible with a virtuous one. Thus, defects are eventually eliminated, replaced by positive traits. We need only to make a beginning, and the rest will follow.

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December 8

May I Never Forget

Twelve Promises or Rewards of sobriety include: freedom instead of addictive enslavement; serenity instead of anxiety; love of people instead of fear of people; pride instead of self-pity; and so on. A recovering person said, The worst day in sobriety is far better than the best day in addiction. The problem is that we may forget the horror of active addiction. Helping newcomers in recovery remind us of the many distresses addiction produces. While people prefer to forget unpleasant experiences, it is not uncommon to hear people in recovery pray, May I never forget.

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December 9

Straight Talk

The recovery program emphasizes that honesty is either rigorous or it is not honesty at all. Almost true is a lie. People who are not recovering from addiction or codependency may think they are avoiding harm to others, so this type of honesty might be condoned. But this does not hold true for people in recovery. A violation of self-honesty is at the root of much addictive or codependent behavior. Unless we become rigorously honest, eliminating all half-truths, recovery is incomplete. Straight talk is simple. Dishonesty is complex. Recovery requires keeping it simple, which means being rigorously honest.

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December 10

We Create Our Own Punishment

In the process of teaching children about God, it is either explicitly stated or implied that God operates the way parents do. We grow up thinking that God wields a huge club, waiting to pounce on us if we misbehave. However, in addiction we learn that no one need punish us for abusing chemicals. Chemicals carry more painful consequences than anyone could think of. When we recover, we can apply this valuable lesson to everything else in life. We understand it is not God who punishes us, but that we precipitate our own punishment when we behave improperly.

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December 11

People-Pleasing

During active addiction we become angry with ourselves for not taking a firm stand on our own behalf and for letting others take advantage of us; we also develop resentments toward others. It's almost a sure thing that this combination of anger and resentment toward others will result in chemical use. Maybe if we thought better of ourselves and felt we were likable, we wouldn't need to buy friendship. People will like us even if we are sometimes unable to comply with their requests. Sobriety can help us develop the self-awareness that allows us to better appreciate ourselves, and to know that others do also.

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December 12

True Happiness Requires a Lifetime Commitment

Perseverance is a rather unpopular concept in the modern world. Science has provided technologies. What about our lives, happiness, self-fulfillment? Are these comparable to technological miracles, or more akin to artistic masterpieces? Can a machine produce them or do they require perseverance? Addicts have tried to achieve happiness with alcohol and self-fulfillment with marijuana or LSD. The consensus is these do not work, and human goals belong with the great works that require perseverance. Perhaps people need to consider their lives to be great works.

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December 13

A Life Without Goals is an Empty Chaos

A path of life that is merely self-gratifying is not a path at all. If we seek only self-gratification, we are essentially living a chaotic life, attracted by whatever is available and repelled by obstacles. We are not following a path. This often happens in addiction because the chemical dictates where we go. People who have a goal or follow a path in life cannot relate to the chaotic movement of the addict. He guides me in straight paths. - Psalms 23:3. A straight path is by far preferable, but even a winding path can lead somewhere. It is having no path that is intolerable.

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December 14

Our Egos Can Get in the Way

Humility depends on just being human. Recovery works for people, not for doctors or lawyers or professors or executives. When people shed their professional identity and are just human beings, the ego moves out of the way, and humility, the necessary ingredient for recovery, appears. We do not need a title to have an ego. When we realize addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer and can affect us equally, then we share our humanity with other people and can achieve humility. We allow ourselves to be helped.

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December 15

Real Growth Takes Time and Effort

A recovering woman stated on her fourth anniversary, It has taken me four years to finally feel good about myself. Although it was not until after four years that she became aware she was a good person, it is absurd to think that nothing had occurred during that time. We may not see or feel progress in our personality development until a certain point, but it is happening. The reassurance of people who have been there can make the waiting period tolerable. As long as we abstain from chemicals and work the Steps, real growth is constantly occurring.

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December 16

You Cannot Control the Future

Interest rates fluctuate, the stock market zigzags, corporations go under while small businesses blossom. If we act reasonably and realize our limitations, we can at least enjoy the present. If we become preoccupied with the future, we enjoy neither. This is especially important in recovery, where we must shed the delusion of control. We may realize there is no control over chemicals, but retain the delusion we can control our economic future. This is why we must decide to Let go and let God. If we are unable to make this determination, we can ask for help to do so.

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December 17

You Are A Beautiful Person

Thinking positively about ourselves is not always easy. Since addiction is a disease, an addict is really a person with a disease. It is the disease that has given rise to most character defects. The inability to say, I am a beautiful person with the disease may betray a lack of conviction in the disease concept of addiction, and a moralistic attitude that an addict is a bad person. It is important to recognize addiction as a disease, and when we are free of the disease, our inherent goodness will be revealed. Knowing in recovery we will be worthy, deserving, and lovable gives us strength and courage to recover.

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December 18

Don't Use Others as an Excuse

We should not measure ourselves by others. If we measured ourselves by what we could be, we might discover we are performing far below our optimum. But since we may not be able to see this, it is wise to keep our ears open and be receptive to critical observations from others. In fact, we are wise to invite critique, since even early addictive chemical use can make us oblivious to our relative dysfunction. One woman said, Maybe I wasn't as sick as others, but I was as sick as I wanted to be. That is a constructive observation.

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December 19

How We Become What We Despise

We frequently hear, I was repulsed by my father's or mother's drinking. I swore I would never become like that. Or the doctor who saw deteriorated drunks who would go into the DTs, and swore that would never happen to them. Yet these people relate how they went on to become what had been so abhorrent to them. If we know we have the potential for insanity, and we wish to avoid disastrous consequences, we designate friends to be on the alert. This transpires in the recovery fellowship, where a sponsor or friends can look for signs of irrationality, and prevent self-destructive behavior.

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December 20

Let the Miracle of Sobriety Occur

Sobriety may sometimes come from a breakthrough. People have within them a core of dignity and self-respect, but in some people this core is buried deep, covered by various happenings in life. Without a sense of dignity, we may behave in a way that is unbecoming. Like lava that slowly works its way to the earth's surface, the dignity that lies at the core of a human being pushes its way up until one day it breaks through. Out of nowhere, we feel I am too good for this. I have no right to be anything less than I can be. The miracle of sobriety can then occur.

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December 21

The Danger of Seeking Scapegoats

The purpose of self-help groups and treatment for children of addicted parents is not to place blame, but to learn effective coping techniques, and find ways to eliminate character defects or emotional hang-ups that may have resulted. Some misinterpret this concept and look for scapegoats. They may even create dysfunction where none existed. Refusal to recognize your background as dysfunctional may obstruct recovery. On the other hand, scapegoating your parents as responsible for all your problems in order to justify your behavior instead of modifying it is equally unhealthy.

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December 22

Inflexible Opinions Can Drive People Away

Other people have as much right to their opinions as we have to our own. Since humans are neither omniscient nor perfect, we should be amenable to modifying the way we think. Since we are not always right, others may be right. Obstinate insistence on getting our own way will drive people toward others who are more accommodating, and the resulting isolation and loneliness will be costly. We need not change colors like a chameleon, but neither should we be rigid and inflexible in our opinions.

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December 23

Beware of the Mind's Distortions

We dream of an ice-cream wagon with clanging bells. After we are aroused, we realize the ringing we heard in the dream was in reality the alarm. That is the incomparable efficiency of our mind when it tries to protect us from disturbance, even at the cost of distorting reality. The mind is probably more efficient when awake. If our waking minds succeed in making us oblivious to reality, it may be even more to our detriment. Touching base with others and having an open mind to their observations can help us avoid the pitfalls of good intentions by our greatest of all enabler -- our own mind.

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December 24

Envy Makes Us Ugly

Few feelings are as sick as envy. A man was having difficulty finding a parking space. In a space designated for the handicapped sat a car with a handicapped license plate, whereupon the man remarked, Lucky son-of-a-gun! Lucky? Would that handicapped person not have preferred to park four blocks away if only he were able to walk that distance? We sometimes envy people, but in the final analysis, to want what someone else has must be an intense and irrational emotion if it causes us to be envious of a handicapped person. Emotions that can be as bizarre as that are best gotten rid of.

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December 25

Sober Celebration

A doctor in his fifth year of sobriety said, When I found out I couldn't drink anymore, it was a sense of relief. I don't have to fight that battle anymore. It's how you look at it. You can resent it, or you can breathe a sigh of relief. Think how much energy you can save, how your mind can be free of worry. There's no need to try to control the uncontrollable, or to cover up, or manufacture excuses. What good is a holiday celebration if you can't remember it? Don't consider yourself deprived if you are unable to drink the way others do. You can have a happy holiday and remember it.

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December 26

God Finds Us In Many Ways

A gentleman in treatment refused to attend required in-house AA meetings, insisting that coercing him to participate in a religious program was a violation of his constitutional rights. During his third week, he decided to join an ongoing meeting because he realized, Whoever it is looking after the beautiful trees outside is certainly doing a helluva better job than I am. Turning our life over to the will of the God that maintains the universe is far safer than following the dictates of human volition, which are often closer to brute passion than to human will.

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December 27

Prayer Cannot Be Self-Centered

Many with years of recovery describe how their prayers evolved as sobriety increased in quality. Initially, prayer was bargaining: I'll be good, God, if You will do thus and so for me. When these requests were not satisfied, God had not kept His side of the bargain, and they were released from obligations. It was not until later that their prayer turned into Help me to do what is right. Mature prayer occurs when we yield our desires and turn our will over to God. A loyal soldier who goes out on a mission does so in obedience to his commander, whose wishes may be different than his own.

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December 28

Give Yourself a Break

If we desire success, we must provide a conducive environment. It has been said, If you have found that opportunity hasn't knocked, perhaps you had better build a door. A recovering alcoholic related that after he lost his job as chief executive officer owing to his drinking, he would sit in the bar drinking, expecting that at any moment a headhunter would walk through the door to recruit him. There is at least the possibility that if he were sober and productive, opportunity might knock. Using chemicals deters opportunity, but even in abstinence, we must behave in ways that provide that door.

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December 29

Silent Approval

As precious as silence is, failure to speak up is often taken as approval. Families and friends of people who abuse chemicals often keep their silence, sometimes for fear that saying something will aggravate the situation, provoke the person, or rupture the relationship. They are not aware that failure to speak up is interpreted by the addict as tacit approval. The addict may be provoked and may not change, but voicing your disapproval is one of the ingredients necessary to tip the scale in favor of sobriety. We do not have to be an outspoken advocate. But silence in the face of injustice is wrongful behavior.

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December 30

Improvement Is Always in Order

The Twelve Steps of recovery are similar to an escalator in that the highest step soon becomes the lowest step, as the conveyor follows a cyclical movement. When we reach the Twelfth Step of recovery, we should go back to the First Step. We are now approaching December 31 -- 365 days of improvement on our character defects. We can go back to character traits that had been improved upon and see how they now need refinement to bring them into line with our new level of spirituality. How wonderful that spiritual growth does not have an endpoint. As long as we live, we have a goal toward which to strive.

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December 31

True Resolutions

Everyone jokes about New Year's resolutions because no one keeps them. Some people say: I will never take another drink, or I will never shoot dope again. The common denominator of failed resolutions is that they invariably include the word never, or they are made for a longer time than most can manage. The ideal time for human resolve is one day -- maybe even only an hour or less. This applies to other addictions such as gambling or food and other behavior: I can be courteous today. I can avoid responding in anger today. Our resolutions can last, if we make them for just one day at a time.