Need help with girlfriend and her addiction to H

[Wallst]

Hello all,
First of all, I'm a newcomer to this board and to this type of addiction as well. I myself, do not have any drug addictions and do not drink alcohol either. I been dating this girl now for 4 months . I knew her from high school and have not seen her in 20 years. After seeing her, we quickly began hitting it off and hanging out as much as possible. 2 months ago, things started to change. It all started with the loss of her job. She said she lost her job due to lay offs and that the company's business was slowing. This is where it all starts.
Not long after the lay off, she became sick one night and that night turned into 3 days of her going MIA on me. She gets back to me and tells me that she got really depressed and that she was in a lot of pain and that she used heroin. She said she had did it a long time ago and that she promised that she wouldn't do it again and that she was sorry for disappearing and she would understand if I didn't speak to her again.
Trying to shorten this without losing too much detail that may be important. So she starts going to hospital ER trying to get prescriptions for Percocet and Xanax. Come to find out that she's been doing that for years. Didn't know that she had a major problem. I really have feelings for this girl and told her that I'm not judging her, trying to control her or any of that. She said she never had a good guy as her boyfriend, and they were abusive and controlling. So here we are 4 months into this relationship and we have had some very rocky points. Just last weekend , we had breakfast on Saturday and then we were supposed to have dinner later on and a movie. I get a call at 4pm saying she can't make it , something came up and that was it. 4 days MIA. She texts me on the 4th dsy and says she misses me and wants to see me. Oh and if I have any Percs she could have ... I go on over and she was kissing me and says she realized how much she misses me when she doesn't see me this long. She then does something she really never did before. She admits to me , her use; shows me her injection sites, and says that she is thankful that I'm not judging her or making her feel like ****. She then asked for my help. That is exactly what I am going to do.
Here is what hurts. She recently found out that she has some liver damage and that she has fibroids. She is in a lot of pain with all that. We haven't been able to be intimate with all that going. Things have def changed and I really want her to get better. She said tonight that she goes MIA because heroin is not a social drug and that she does it alone and just stays home and not have me see her that way. She just wants me to to reassured that she doesn't wanna lose me. I'm scared and do have feeling for her. That is what is making this even more difficult. This weekend I wanted to take her out so we shall see how that goes. How do I know if she used again and just wondering if she will ever stop. I dont want her to run away so I dont want to question her or tell her she better stop or else.... I don't want to be that guy. She told me that she likes that I've been patient, she doesnt feel the need to hide from me, and that no guy would've stuck around , she thinks. So she wants to take it one day at a time. She is so beautiful too. I know she can do this. I will be supportive through it all. But is this doable? Please, any reasonable and reality , feedback will be helpful. Please!!!

[LookingOut]

Hi and welcome to the site. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it is is very hard. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself, so don't know the drug end well. What I do know, however, is that she is a hard core addict.

Yes, she will continue. Since you have only been in this relationship for four months, my advice is to cut your losses and not see her again. If you want to stay with her, you have a long and rocky road ahead. At this point, she is probably using you for whatever it is she is getting out of you--food, money, pills, not being alone (on her terms), etc.

If you want to learn more about addiction, do some reading on this site and others. You can also look up Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings in your area and attend those.

You will not be her knight in shining armor that causes her to finally and immediately quit. To quit her addictions, she must be willing. She will have to decide. She will probably need an in-patient rehab and detox, then maybe a halfway house, then will need to stay in a recovery program such as NA or Celebrate Recovery. Recovery for her, IF she is willing, will be a life long commitment and way of life.

Thanks for sharing and I wish you the best as you decide what to do. Praying for you and her also. God bless.

[Wallst]

Thanks for the response. She has been through all the recovery steps and now when times got hard for her, she fell back onto that bad habit. It does hurt to see her this way since I am attached to her emotionally. On her good days, things are really fun and we have good times. Then for whatever reason, she just gets into this dark mood and does whatever she does and disappears for a few days and the cycle starts again. I tell myself every time it happens that I'm just going to ignore her calls and texts. It never happens and it's because I just feel like a cold person not being there and ignoring her like that. She says she really has feelings for me and it shows when she isn't numb to reality, using heroin. I've never been in this situation or around anyone that uses, for that matter.

[LookingOut]

I'm sure that you do really care for her. I'm sure some part of her really cares for you. But since she is still in the using cycle, the drugs are in control and she is not. If she has done the steps and is relapsing, she knows what she needs to do, but is not doing it. It may be hard to hear, but this relationship is going nowhere. In recovery, we are told not to start new relationships until we have at least one year of solid recovery. Since she is still using, the real she is not in control enough to know if she really cares for you or not. She needs to get back into rehab and continue her steps to recovery.

You might be doing her a bigger favor by telling her you will have nothing more to do with her until she has been clean and sober for say, 3 or 6 months. Otherwise, you will continue to be drawn into her drama.

If you cannot "quit" her yet, I am telling you that you should attend Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. They will teach you how not to become her codependent--because your addiction will be HER, and you could get almost as sick as she it.

She has the disease of addiction and it can cause sickness in everyone in the addicts life, unless the people involved take steps to either leave or take care of themselves.

Remember that you cannot save her. She has to be willing to get help. She will tell you she is; she will lie and manipulate as long as the drugs are in control.

Learn more and make sure you don't get drawn into someone else's sickness.

[MajestyJo]

Thank you for sharing, recovery makes a big difference in our life and in ourselves. We are not the same person we were when we met the person in our lives.

They say, don't make any changes in your first year in recovery, and why it is suggested that we don't get into a relationship that first year in recovery. It took me 7 years to take the risk, and I called it a "man relapse." It ended up being a growth period because I got triggered and my abusive past came up, along with a lot of emotions and grieving that I had never allowed myself to feel, because of my own addiction.

First things first, your recovery. It is a one day at a time program.

"No!" It is a complete sentence. You don't have to give an explanation, you don't have to justify, or give a definite answer as to why you are saying, "No!"

I didn't know the meaning of the word and didn't know I had a right to say it. I was a yes girl for most of my life, and ended up with many resentments and much anger because I didn't feel like I could express my thoughts and opinions.

Thank goodness for recovery, it has brought a lot of wisdom about myself and I can see where others are coming from, and I try to allow them to walk their own journey.

I was told you can't talk to an alcoholic or an addict when they are using. Their perception is off and they will probably forget what they said the night or day before. I found this to be very true when I was on the Help Line for AA.

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[Wallst]

So I really need some words from someone and not just , "leave".
I took the girl I'm seeing, to the hospital last night. She had a lot of pain and other issues causing her to not have her period for 5 months now. I stayed the whole night through. Her cell phone died and around 2am I get texts from her X. Him and I exchanged words before and this time he was demanding to talk to her and I wasn't trying to be rude whatsoever. I told her he was texting me and she got mad that he kept saying these things to me. Anyway, his last text was that he would be seeing her anyway. So we leave hospital at 8 am and I get dropped off at home and she leaves to supposedly go home. I text and nothing for hours. Then I just got fed up and text saying that I know she prob went to his house (he supplied her heroin) and that it sux that I was there all night and this is what I get? She responded telling me that we cannot be romantic any longer and that she is gonna focus on just her and that she is tired of the same arguements with me . So she said she disappointed but letting go and she's done with me. Where did this mood swing come from? I just can't believe that she would use right after we just went to the hospital. She said she going to heal now and she is letting go. Is she high? I really don't understand where I went wrong. She says that my texts to her X were rude and that the bickering between him and I was wrong and that I at least could have waited till she was discharged. I just see if I'm the guy she called for the past 2 days, to take her to hospital, how she just discards me like this. It just hurts and she shows no emotion. I know she has told me like a month ago almost the same thing and then 2 weeks later she is texting me telling me she's in pain etc.... So do any of you think that she went and got her fix and this is how she's acting or did I screw something up somewhere where she just texts me saying " she's fed up and that she is stressed and that she is now going to heal herself and do her" why would she hold on to the bad X that has abused her and destroyed so much around her, and discard me, the guy she said was her positive light, the guy she says she cares for. Help people, I'm lost. Why did I ever fall for her?

[LookingOut]

You have to know that you are not at fault here. People who are addicted are literally taken over by their disease. They need the drugs sooo badly that they will do anything to get them, to get high again and to avoid the pain of withdrawal.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't know why you fell for her, but I know she is a sick individual who is not able to have an honest relationship in this condition.

Do you have some live support? -- family, friend, pastor -- someone you can talk to and help you put it in perspective? It could help a lot to talk it over with some wise counsel.

You will be okay. You have to take care of yourself. Saying a prayer for both of you.

[Wallst]

I appreciate the words. She just text saying she got mad and that where she is at anytime of the day is no ones business. That she isn't playing cat and mouse game and that I'm pushing her too far . She said she isn't going to be the cold women to throw people out of her life. She is referring to her X and the guy that supplies her and whatever. I only told her to stop talking to him because she tells me how bad he hurts her and then I see her going back and saying he's her friend etc... She said that she isn't some ***** and I'm definitely not a victim.... This hurts so much . I wish I could understand and do you think she will call me again?

[MajestyJo]

Sorry for your pain, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. May I suggest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon if there is a fellowship in your area. A drug is a drug, substitution doesn't work. It sounds like she was using you to stay clean and going to him when she wanted drugs.

She is not her disease, but responsible for her choices and actions. You can't make someone stop and you can't keep them clean and sober. You can't make them pick up, you don't have the power. Even in today, with 22 years of sobriety, no one can stop me from using, except my God. It is my connection to Him, that allows me that pause, to make the decision to stay clean, just for today.

My son was 25 when I came into recovery, he has been in 5 treatment centers, and in today, he is still using. He doesn't like what he would have to do to stay sober, he says he will never go to a meeting, he wants change but not willing to give up his pot, even though he knows, it takes him to other things.

All you can do is pray, detach, and focus on you as to what you need for your peace and serenity. She can't do for you any more than you can do for her.

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[Wallst]

So I haven't heard from her all week and then the day after thanksgiving , i received a text from her saying she checked into a rehab to sort things out in her life. She said she wants no conflict from anyone and needs to get strong mentally and physically for her kids. She said they would be taking her phone and that she doesn't know how long she will be there and that she is so stressed out. I really miss her but am happy she went to get help. I hope it all works out. But now my question is, what can I expect when she gets out? Will she call on me and at what capacity ? Just as a friend or pick up where we left off? I never been in a situation like this.

[honeydumplin]

Applaud the decision that she's made to seek help.
Trust in whatever your higher power is to carry both of you through this time.
Pray for strength.
Live only one day at a time.

[Wallst]

I am very thankful for her decision. I can only pray that she also decides to call on me afterwards

[MajestyJo]

So glad she went for help, all you can do is pray for her and be there for support. She is not capable of having a healthy relationship and she needs to focus on her own recovery, because without that she has nothing. This is a disease. You need to look at the person behind the disease.

It is important that you focus on you and not on her, I would highly recommend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, or go to an open meeting of AA, NA, CA, or HA. Do you have alcohol and/or drugs in your family, perhaps you qualify for Adult Children of Alcoholics or Codependency, we have material on this site. If you are living your life through someone else instead of living your own, you might want to check it out.

For her health and well being, it would be best for her to detach from you until she is well within herself. If you put two needy people in a relationship, it is not a healthy relationship. The person needs to want you in her life, and need to be complete and whole within herself, and the same for you.

I am glad you have known her for so long, when she is ready, I am sure she will contact you. There are no guarantees, it is a one day at a time program. Recovery programs are not a quick fix solution, it is a time to make you aware and for me, it was a basis to build on. I need to the do things in the program in order to STAY sober, it is a living program. If you can find a fellowship that you can relate to, check out other addictions, then you will have an idea as to where she stands, because it is not good for you to put your life on hold, waiting for her to do what you want.

http://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/showthread.php?t=730&highlight=grief

You will be going through a grieving process because of the loss of her in your life, which is normal. Every time we lose someone or there is change in our life, we need to allow ourselves to work through it.

http://www.heroin-anonymous.org/HApage17.html

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[Wallst]

So apparently I was wrong. She did not go to rehab . She went to a psych ward because she tried to commit suicide by hanging herself so she was on suicide watch. I just found out today. She's telling me on the advice of the psychiatrists that she should have no connection with men at this time and needs to fix herself. I am so hurt that she would do this. She said to have faith and that she wasn't going anywhere. She asked for me to be a friend without romantic ties and no pressure.. I guess I'm gonna just let go . I have to let her be

[MajestyJo]

Prayers for you and her. She doesn't seem to be in a place in her life that she can be a friend to anyone. She needs to heal and recuperate, and if it is meant to be, she will contact you. I would say, take care of you, no reason you can't carry her close to your heart, but live your life and don't put it on hold for her.

All you can do is pray for her and her recovery. Al-Anon would be a good support place for you to go to.

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[LookingOut]

Wallst, also praying for her and you. Things happen in life and sometimes the best thing is to let go. I believe in God, so I surrender what I cannot do to Him, who CAN do all things.

It does hurt. It is uncomfortable, but we CAN stand it, we CAN survive it. We will learn through it and if we allow it, we can become stronger people of better character.

Yes you love her, but she has to heal. You need to go on with your life. You need to heal as well. I agree with Jo that Al-Anon would be a great place. I have also been helped a lot lately by SMART Recovery, which you can also find online, and they also have a family and friends support section. You could also seek out professional or pastoral counseling.

I am glad you have reached out here. You are not alone and there are people willing to help if you continue to seek them out.

His peace.

[Wallst]

Last thurs. I went over to her place to talk to her and it ended really bad. Her ex kept texting her and was mad that I was there and I ended up leaving . The next day she told me she doesn't wanna speak to me any longer and she deleted me from all social media. Her ex has control of her and there is nothing I can do. He uses speed and she's on heroin and pretty much any pill she can get her hands on now. I'm so hurt but I realize she has no feelings for me and now that she told me what she did, she will not try and contact me any longer. All I can is wish her well

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing. You can't talk to someone who is in active addiction. It is their disease talking. She knows you would like her to quit but she has no willingness to do so, so she is going to lash out at you.

You need to look after your own spiritual well being, look at your hurt and pain. Take it to your sponsor, clergyman, confidant, close friend, and to your God.

If you are allowing her to rent space in your head and focusing on her, you are in active addiction. She is your drug of choice. Are you willing to let go and let God?

My prayers are with you.

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[Wallst]

So It had been a couple of weeks and she had called me over because she said she missed me. I went over and we had pizza and talked. She said that she didn't want any romantic ties and she was distant with me. She kept getting calls and at one point, left the room for about 30 mins. I found out it was her ex and I jumped up and got my stuff to leave. She asked what was wrong and I just said I had to go. First thing she asked was if I had any pills I could leave her. I told her no and left. Like an hr later, she was telling me that she didn't wanna see me again and her ex was making up all kinds of the things as to slander me all over facebook. A week had went by and I called her and left a message just to wish her well and wishing her happy holidays. I immediately get a text from her saying to leave her alone and then a text from a diff number saying she has a boyfriend and to leave her alone. I guess that is the end of this and I can no longer hope that things will get better and that she will contact me ever again ... Thanks for all your support but I guess this is the end of this chapter and story.

[LookingOut]

You know it is better to end it here, don't you?

You will find someone to date who is healthy and it will be a much better relationship. Give yourself some time to heal and be patient.

[MajestyJo]

By continuing to call her, it is obsessive, compulsive and not hope. She set a boundary, and knowing her disease, when she calls, it is her addiction, generally wanting something from you. She probably thinks you are a soft with no thought of your feelings. That is what addiction does.

You need to take care of yourself. Sit down with your God and look for some Good Orderly Direction as to the way He would have you go. As the saying goes, "If a door closes, another one opens." Sometimes it is a window and we have to make a decision to put our life into our God's Care.

My prayers are with you over the holiday season. Focus on others, your church, your family, volunteer at soup kitchens or shelters, and it will help to heal your heart.

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