Sharing and Caring

[MajestyJo]

STAY POSITIVE, DON'T ACT OUT IN OLD PATTERNS AND BEHAVIOURS!

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Steps Six and Seven are about changing and truly looking at myself and getting honest.

Why should I not continue the Steps? Why should I skip over a certain step because we don't like looking in the mirror. Most people see us before we can see ourselves. People knew about me before I knew myself, they could see the changes and I didn't have a clue. Be it a change for the better or worse, I am empowered to change things when I surrender to the program, and work it a day at a time.

Not taking time to talk to my God on a daily bases is an old behaviour. Telling God what I think He should do in my life and that of others, is bad no matter what way I look at it.

For me defects of character are a part of my DNA and thinking, clean or sober. Short comings are acting out those thoughts and reacting to events around me. No more hissy fits, no more pity pots, no more cussing and cursing, myself or others, no more putting on the blanket of denial and hiding from reality.

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HUGS FROM ME TO YOU!

[MajestyJo]

Xenophobiais a fear, hatred, dislike of aliens and strangers.

Perhaps that is why I didn't like myself, because I always felt like I didn't fit in.

Old tapes continued to play out through my whole life. I was never able to let go, and new ones were added to the old tapes that caused low self-esteem.

Who said that your opinion counted?

Did you think we care about what you have to say?

What makes you hear me say "What do you think?"

If you were not so stupid....!

Look at what you made me do! I didn't know that I didn't have the power to make him/her do anything.

I took everything personal, and didn't know that there was my stuff and theirs. Most times when things are projected onto me, it is their stuff and not mine to take on.

When my husband started to run around with other women early in our marriage, I thought it was my fault. I wasn't good enough as a wife, a friend, as a housekeeper (which was true to some effect as I worked full time).

When he introduced me to two of the women he was bedding, as friend he worked with and I was still I didn't allow myself to acknowledge it honestly. I left him because he hit in the car when he was driving me to work, for opening my mouth when he told me to shut up. I was trying to discuss financial payments for the end of the month.

When I went into labour, he drove me to the hospital and disappeared. The hospital asked me to call him and I tried for four hours, because I was having labour pains every 3-5 min. and they were not changing, and they suggested he come in and be supportive and help me to induce labour by walking me up and down the hall. I went in to heavy labour about 11 p.m., my son was born at 4 a.m. and when the doctor phoned to tell him he had a son, he was not home.

I went to stay with my best friend because I didn't even know how to change a diaper, bathe, and care for him. I was 24 years old. My husband left me when our son was 2 months old. My landlady wouldn't let me stay because I was a single parent. My husband had sold all our furniture and moved us into this furnished apartment. When I found a new apartment, I had no furniture. I felt like a failure, ugly, unlovable, abandoned, rejected, which reaffirmed other incidents in my life, and every thing became compounded interest.

I didn't know how to grieve, I started back to work and slowly but surely pills and alcohol were added to the mix to help me to cope with life. The first person to rape me was my husband, I didn't know I had the right to say "No" and that I had a choice.

As a result, I was raped three more times, and I ended up looking for love in all the wrong places, because I couldn't find it within myself. I found that if I can't love and respect myself, others will not always love and respect you. As they say, "Let it begin with me."

I had to cleanse my body, mind and spirit.

Thanks for letting me share.

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[MajestyJo]

Reading from: Just for Today April 1 - Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts.

"Some of us first saw the effects of addiction on the people close to us. We were very dependent on them to carry us through life. We felt angry, disappointed, and hurt when they found other interests, friends and loved ones."

NA Basic Text, p. 7

Addiction affected every area of our lives. Just as we sought the drug that would make everything alright, so we sought people to fix us. We made impossible demands, driving away those who had anything of worth to offer us. Often, the only people were those who were themselves too needy to be capable of denying our unrealistic expectations. It's no wonder that we are unable to establish and maintain healthy intimate relationships in our addiction.

Today, in recovery, we've stopped expecting drugs to fix us. If we still expect people to fix us, perhaps it's time to extend our recovery program to our relationships. We begin by admitting we have a problem - that we don't know the first thing about how to have healthy intimate relationships. We seek out members who've had similar problems and have found relief. We talk with them and listen to what they share about this aspect of their recovery. We apply the program to all our affairs, seeking the same kind of freedom in our relationships what we find throughout our recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY: Loving relationships are within my reach. Today, I will examine the effects of addiction on my relationships so that I can begin seeking recovery.

I realized I didn't know what love was, I only knew what wasn't. The old patterns and behaviors had to change, and as I healed and found myself, I was able to find out what was acceptable to me, to set boundaries, and to find self-respect and self-worth for myself which I had never had before.

I couldn't have a healthy relationship until I learned to have a relationship with myself and my Higher Power. How can I share myself if I don't know who I am?

I thought I knew, but I came to realize that I had lived most of my life through other people and had no identity of my own. Recovery has been about me finding me and finding my own set of values and beliefs.

April 1st is my birthday. I always said, "It was the only reason for being who I was and then I found out I was an alcoholic/addict."

[MajestyJo]

The spiritual enlightenment for me was the phrase, "If you have to control it, it is alreadyout of control!"

I had heard this phrase around the rooms for several years and it mean nothing to me. I kept coming, I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but I wanted what the people in the rooms had. I knew I didn't want to go back to where I came from, so I just kept coming.

I thought maybe if just kept coming, some of what you head would rub off onto me. So I came, and said, "Hi, my name is JoAnne, and I am an alcoholic" and was in total rebellion, with the attitude, "I'll say it if I have to, and went through the alcoholic/addict stage. Ironically, I knew I was an addict, and I think it was because I knew the meaning of the word. Or I could relate it to chips, or cookies, and the feeling of more, but couldn't identify the alcoholism. I knew I misused and abused my medication, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to know it as dried-up alcohol.

I came but I did all the wrong things, I compared instead of identifying. I don't like beer, I didn't have black outs, I didn't pass out after so many drink, I could drive the car after drinking all day and night and not get pulled over, I could walk a straight line (my son use to say he looked out the window and saw Mom bringing B**** home). I didn't go to jail, I didn't get tickets, I didn't get cut off at the bar, and the list went on, and on, and on.

After I heard the phrase above, I came to realize "Don't look at what you didn't do, but look at what you did do!"
That was a different story. I decided I would rather be an alcoholic.

It wasn't until God saw fit to give me a dream to let me see how others saw me when I was drinking. I was a first class, manipulating b**ch, who told everyone how to do it, what to do, when to do it, and was aggressive and a loud mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted for a friend. I had assumed that the reason that people had back away from us because of my ex-husband's drinking, when it truth, it was probably my conroling, manipulating and nagging ways. Now that was a spiritual awakening, and I was two years in the program. I was sober but I can honestly say I didn't have true sobriety until then. Sobriety for me means soundness of mind. You can't have sobriety and be in denial and life of secrets and control. I was continually at war with myself, and often with those around me because I didn't have my own knowingness. I only knew what was told to me, and I had to find my own path and my own truth.

My spiritual advisor said, "You will learn two thing. 1) How to work your program. 2) How not to work your program.

Keep coming, so you won't have to come back.

Posted in 2004 on another site. Many originated in my 15 sites that were finally deleted by MSN and Multiply and no longer in existence.

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[MajestyJo]

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Are you watching me or you?

Found this to be funny. How often does the paranoid alcoholic/addict think that they are being watched and everyone is looking at them.

When in fact every alcoholic/addict is looking at themselves and don't even know the other person is there.

A young guy in recovery said to me at a morning meeting, "Jo no one even noticed that I got my hair cut." Besides the fact that no one had seen him with his hair down, it had always been in a ponytail, no one is really looking at his hair, they are worrying if someone is looking at them.

Ever walk into a room and everyone stops talking and you think they were talking about you. Just maybe, they were just glad to see you and stopped to acknowledge you.

:undecided:

[MajestyJo]

When I came into recovery, all I had to show for 49 years of living was a little square table and a tri-lite and eight green garbage bags of belongs to show for living. My attitude was stop the world I want to get off. When I left central Ontario to come to Hamilton I left behind a couch which was part of a $800. suite that my ex-husband ruined by laying down on it in his work clothes after he finished working in a machine shop all day. There was just a "little" bit of resentment there. It may have been left over from my first husband selling the furniture I bought when we were married for pitance to pay to have his car painted and moved us into an unfurnished apartment. The couch in the furnished place was ghastly, black with big ugly flowers on it. When my landlady asked me to leave when my husband left to move in with another woman, and she didn't want a single mother living in her apartment, I was glad my son had peed on it a few times, when I had changed his diaper. My son was two months old and certainly wasn't responsible, but somehow it seemed like sweet revenge in the moment.

When we moved her in 1984 it really was the downhill spiral for me because I knew I had to quit drinking and I started to escalate my pill use. My son got his own place in 1985 and he kept losing his apartments and he always moved in with me until the next time, and it became a vicious circle. Even after I came into recovery, I was still enabling him by allowing him to come home to mother.

In early recovery I didn't have a bed, I had left my apartment to my son and had moved into the YWCA and lived there for two years. At six months sober, I moved into my apartment and I borrowed a mattress and slept on the floor for three months until I could find some kind of bed. The first thing I got was an old chair with no arms that had a huge whole in it that I had to stuff with a blanket so I could lie flat, it was marvellous, I was six inches higher off the floor. It wasn't until I moved into my apartment at three years sober that my aunt made a decision to get new furniture and I got her bed chesterfield. I was put on disability in my first year and they bought me a bed, but I didn't have a couch.

After several years in Al-Anon, the guilt wouldn't let me continue, and it was about five years into recovery that I got the brilliant idea of giving him my couch and then he didn't have a bed to come home to. Then a friend of my son who was in the program relapsed and he lost his place, so I got his couch. It matched my swivel rocker and my easy-boy chair and I was happy. I have a thing about used stuff, it is new to me and if it is clean or cleanable, it is change, just like me.

Then when I moved to my new location last November I made the decison not to take this couch with me because it took up too much space and made my place too cramped. I am stll on disability, and though I quit smoking the exta money wasn't there because it became bridge money.

When I made the decision to leave the AA Fellowship and go to NA on the night of my first meeting in my new group, the gentleman who drove me home asked me if I knew anyone who needed a new couch. The owner was the first person I met in NA ten years ago, and his mother worked in the treatment facility I was at, although I didn't know that until several years later. I now have a two seater love seat, which pulls out into a bed and I am going to have my first guest tonight. The daughter of my unofficially adopted daughter is coming for a sleep over. My friend's real mother lives in a city about two hours away and I was adopted back in the YWCA back when I was using. She has been supportive and a good friend over the years, and is a student of Al-Anon and ACOA.

When I am grateful for what I have, instead of looking at what I don't have, I am at peace. I had nothing, so anything I have today is bonus. I didn't think I was going to live to be 40 and here I am 20 years later living overtime, with all that she needs, which includes a computer, a TV I don't find time to watch, and a life so busy, I have trouble finding time to get here to the site to post.

I love the native culture and I have a meditation I do with a book that is called "The Sacred Path Workbook." I finished a meditation one day, which said, "Give thanks, it is already on it's way." I said the words, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" As I got up off the carpet the telephone range, it was my friend asking me if a bag of groceries and $20 was enough money to babysit her daughter for the weekend. My prayer was help to see it through to the end of the month until my cheque came in.

He supplies my needs, sometimes my wants, and even my desires, because I desire each and everyone who reads this, another happy, prosperous and healthy twenty-four hours.

(originally posted on www.another-24-hours.com)

The holiday season is one day at a time.

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[MajestyJo]

From: "There Is A Solution"

Here was the terrible dilemma in which our friend found
himself when he had the extraordinary experience, which as we have already told you, made him a free man.

We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the
desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a
flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful
hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you
prefer, "a design for living" that really works.

Alcoholics Anonymous, page 28



Today I became aware how we can still look for that outside source to make ourselves feel better. As it says here, they are flimsy reeds indeed and I need to have that strong foundation that I have only found in building that new life with the strength and guidance of my Higher Power. I love the quote "a design for living," It sure beats the old one!

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Originally posted in 2008, the same sentiments are still valid in today.

[MajestyJo]

First of all, I am trying to speak American!

Secondly, I was doing a Zen meditation and asked if it was possible to find a common denominator, so that everyone could find common ground and identify and the word I got was "Wishful thinking!"


Quote:
Our mind is the wish-fulfilling tree-whatsoever you think, sooner or later it is fulfilled.


This was followed by the word "Challenge."


Quote:
Misery only means that things are not fitting with your desires-and things never fit with your desires, they cannot. Things simply go on following their nature.


My sponsor told me to look at "problems" as challenges. Something to be overcome and to work on. And the "Piece de la resistance" was the word "Accident."


Quote:
It is not a certain sequence of causes that brings enlightenment. Your search, your intense longing, your readiness to do anything-altogether perhaps they create a certain aroma around you in which that great accident becomes possible. - Osho


Looks like I may have to 'stink' up the place a little to get everyone's attention.

Hey people, we are family. We have travelled different road to get here. It is my understanding that we have one goal, one destination and that is recovery. It doesn't matter the substance, it doesn't matter the trauma and difficulties you overcame to get here, it doesn't matter what stood in your way of getting here sooner, the important thing is - you are here!

We can do what I can't. God Bless.

When I see post that I made like this, I have to laugh. How could I have stayed in denial for so long? I use to be the life of the party, then I became so introverted, that if I talked, you couldn't have heard me, not that I had a lot to say by then that was worth listening. You can't talk to a drunk, especially if you are trying to make sense of what they are saying. The lies, the lies by omission, the telling the way they think you want to hear it, or just out and out manipulation, fabrication, and totally without any sense of reality.


I think I shared in my story that I was in Akron, Ohio for my ex-husband's cousin's wedding. I was too sick to drink the wine at the burgundy breakfast the next morning and I was so hung over that I couldn't help with the driving home. Yet I remained in denial about my alcoholism and didn't find acceptance for two years after I got here. I think it just took me that long to detox and for the brain to clear so I could face reality.

Posted in 2004

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[MajestyJo]

When I came into recovery, I was told "We don't do this forever. We do it one day at a time." When we project into tomorrow worrying about staying clean and sober, we lose out on today.

When I stay in today, I have one day's feelings, one day's thoughts, one day's denials, one day's events and situations.

If I look at the whole picture, I get overwhelmed. Some days it is simply staying in the moment. I had a sponsor who told me for her it was three seconds because she was prone to seizures.

For me it has been doing what ever it takes to stay clean and sober, just for today. I can't, God (group of drunks) can, and just for today I choose to let Him/Her show me the way to sobriety (soundness of mind).

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[MajestyJo]

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment the moment you know how, you being to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

- Agnes de Mille

How arrogant and ignorant of us to believe that we can do anything but live one day at a time! We are so deluded by our illusion of control that we really believe that we can control the future, make things happen the way we want and completely control our lives. When we do this, we cease living.

Living fully I living a life of faith. We do our footwork, make our plans, and then let go. Living fully is taking a leap of faith and, before our feet are squarely on the ground, leaping again. When we think we have things under control, we "begin to die a little."

It takes a lot of faith to live one day at a time, and the alternatives don't look that inviting.

This reminds me of my saying about myself and being an Aries, "The left foot is moving forward and the right doesn't know it has to move yet."

People get upset when they ask, "What are you doing Saturday, and I respond, "I don't know!" I may make plans, but I have found out one thing in recovery and that God and I don't always think alike!" Also, "We aren't always on the same wave length," although I do try to align my will with His, and "God doesn't always let me know what His plans are for me" although this inquiring mind often wants to know.

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[MajestyJo]

What I bring from my past is my old tapes, my old behaviors and beliefs, and that is what I need to change in today.

If I want a peaceful and serene life, then if I work on my recovery today, it will make for a better tomorrow.

If I keep looking over my shoulder at my past, then I miss out on today. It can also cause me to trip up in today because I am not watchful of the direction I am taking. The decision I make in today are based on yesterday's experiences instead of the good orderly direction from my Higher Power, if I am not focused and spiritual connected in the moment.

There is no right way or wrong way, all we are asked to do is try.

It is a program of practice, and for me application. I can only do what I can do in today. I can't go into those coulda, shoulda, if onlys, not that I don't, but I try to bring myself back when I am aware that is where I am at.

Really, all we do have is the moment. When you think of it, even an hour ago is old news. The day can start in the moment, just for today, I choose not to use.

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[MajestyJo]

Received this in August of 1993 from the lady who introduced me to AA. I thought it would have been good for my dad and my ex-husband with no identification for myself, it was always about them. When she saw me at a Saturday morning meeting, she got up, gave me a hug and said, "I am so glad that you lived to make it!"

This is a greeting card she had printed for my 2 year anniversary. She got me moved into my first apartment at 6 months sober. The sad part was that she couldn't stay clean and sober herself, kept relapsing, but she carried the message to me and for that, she will be very special.

She signed the card: Keep up the good work, it sure looks good on you.

Congratulations Anna.

It's great to share these special times
And to accept friend's words of praise
To express gratitude to our Higher Power
And all who helped us thru the days
Early in recovery when it was often rough
Knowing that support is there
Whenever the going gets tough
We've received so much, what can we give
In return on this special day?
A promise to God and all our friends to simply give it all away.

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[MajestyJo]

OPENING THE HEART

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"Everything is made of light; everything is alive. The Great Mystery of life has little to do with intelligence. The universe is not an intellectual process. The intellect is helpful; but our hearts are the wiser part of ourselves."
-- Mellen-Thomas Benedict

Heart is a word that refers to many different levels of our being. Essentially, it is the love aspect of soul, capable of making direct, intuitive contact. Soul love is not emotional; it is highly impersonal and intelligent, capable of grasping the essence of someone or something without any projection on our part.

Appreciation significantly turns on the heart. Appreciation is not an emotion that arises spontaneously, but a soul quality we can choose. The more often we choose to be appreciative, the easier this choice becomes and the more frequently our heart opens to give and receive love.

"If you open your heart, love opens your mind."
-- Charles John Quarto

Is your spiritual development important to you?

From Higher Awareness, used with permission

It has been the only way I can stay clean and sober in today. The only defence I have against this dis-ease of addiction.

Last night my son phoned me and asked for $100. and told me that he really needed it, if I didn't give it to him, he would be beaten up. I said, "Deal with it" and I shut off my phone.

I was talking to my sponsor when it happened and he kept ringing and ringing (14 times), and I apologized to her for the interruption. She said, "It is okay now that I know what it is." I called a friend for support and had a good talk with her. He didn't get beaten up, and all the dramatics was a lie, just to con mother out of money to use, because his cheque wasn't as big as he expected.

It was difficult, but without my God, it would have been impossible.

I almost didn't call my sponsor because I thought she was at her daughter's, but she doesn't go until today. I phoned my friend and she was well enough to take my call, she has been in bed for several days.

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[MajestyJo]

The spiritual enlightenment for me was the phrase, "If you have to control it, it is already out of control!"

I had heard this phrase around the rooms for several years and it mean nothing to me. I kept coming, I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but I wanted what the people in the rooms had. I knew I didn't want to go back to where I came from, so I just kept coming.

I thought maybe if just kept coming, some of what you head would rub off onto me. So I came, and said, "Hi, my name is JoAnne, and I am an alcoholic" and was in total rebellion, with the attitude, "I'll say it if I have to, and went through the alcoholic/addict stage. Ironically, I knew I was an addict, and I think it was because I knew the meaning of the word. Or I could relate it to chips, or cookies, and the feeling of more, but couldn't identify the alcoholism. I knew I misused and abused my medication, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to know it as dried-up alcohol.

I came but I did all the wrong things, I compared instead of identifying. I don't like beer, I didn't have black outs, I didn't pass out after so many drink, I could drive the car after drinking all day and night and not get pulled over, I could walk a straight line (my son use to say he looked out the window and saw Mom bringing B**** home). I didn't go to jail, I didn't get tickets, I didn't get cut off at the bar, and the list went on, and on, and on.

After I heard the phrase above, I came to realize "Don't look at what you didn't do, but look at what you did do!"
That was a different story. I decided I would rather be an alcoholic.

It wasn't until God saw fit to give me a dream to let me see how others saw me when I was drinking. I was a first class, manipulating b**ch, who told everyone how to do it, what to do, when to do it, and was aggressive and a loud mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted for a friend. I had assumed that the reason that people had back away from us because of my ex-husband's drinking, when it truth, it was probably my controlling, manipulating and nagging ways. Now that was a spiritual awakening, and I was two years in the program. I was sober but I can honestly say I didn't have true sobriety until then. Sobriety for me means soundness of mind. You can't have sobriety and be in denial and life of secrets and control. I was continually at war with myself, and often with those around me because I didn't have my own knowingness. I only knew what was told to me, and I had to find my own path and my own truth.

My spiritual adviser said, "You will learn two thing. 1) How to work your program. 2) How not to work your program.

Keep coming, so you won't have to come back.

Not sure if this is a duplicate, I know I have share part of this on other posts. Posted this on another site in 2011.

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[MajestyJo]

Posted this on another post earlier this week. This was the original. The post I made up, I wrote as it came to mind in today! ;)

Let me tell you my story about the two doors. I think I posted this on the AEB site so some of you may have seen it before.

One door with a room full of CHIT behind it and all you will find in this room is CHIT. If you put your hands in it, even dig right up to your elbows, jump right into it or even wallow in it all you will ever find is CHIT Next to the door there are 12 steps and you can take the 12 steps and leave the CHIT behind.

There is a new door with many gifts called sobriety. Anytime you want to, you can go down the stairs and you can wallow in the CHIT; But you can always take the steps again and get out of the CHIT. In the new room there are many gifts for having worked the steps; They are yours for the taking as long as you remember to use the steps.

Firefly (Me)

=======================================

There was a little boy who was the worlds greatest optimist. He could find the good in anyone and anything. Not wanting him to be hurt as he got older, his parents thought they would teach him a life lesson. It was his birthday and they got a whole truck load of horse manure and dumped it into his room.
When they opened the door for him, he jumped right in digging with both hands. When they asked him what he was doing, he said, "With all this manure, I know there has to be a pony in here somewhere."
We can choose to see the dark side, or we can choose to see the light side. We can choose to be happy, or we can choose to be miserable.

Wolf

=======================================

People say to me, well I have done the steps!

I remember asking "What happens when I get to Step Twleve?" I was told, "Start again at Step One! You should have grown as a result of working the steps, so you will have a new perception of yourself and your life, so if you want to keep growing and changing, keep working the step!"

Self-honesty doesn't happen overnight, and it is only through working the steps that I was able to get "REAL" and remove the layers that block my vision and kept me in a world of illusion and denial.

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[MajestyJo]

My purpose in life in today, is to live each day to the best of my ability. Sharing with others, and although I don't always come the same time every day, I do get here unless my computer is down or I am away.

My life may seem aimless to some people, but this program gave me purpose and a reason for being. The nice thing is, I can just be and nothing more. I don't always have to be busy doing.

I hope for today was to make it downtown. The sun came out, and though it looks like rain again, it stayed clear enough for me to get to where I needed to go. Somedays the sun comes out and even it can't tempt me out of my apartment.

My purpose in the moment is to go back to bed for a nap. To take care of myself, because it was only about 62 deg. F. and I had to wait outside of my apartment when I got home because the fire alarm went off. We had three trucks, emergency vehicle and two police cars. I was glad that I hadn't gotten upstairs. Ended up no casualties, and fire was put out quickly. The fire was on the floor below mine, I was grateful that my apartment is air tight because the fire was on the floor below mine.

Whether my day is purposeful or aimless, I need always remember to be grateful for another day.

Posted in June 2011

All I can do is try to be the best me I can be in today. When I stay clean and sober, I have the option.

How I handle each situation is between me and God if I let Him in and ask for His Care and Direction.

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[MajestyJo]

When I grew up, I was isolated on the farm. When I went to high school, I was really fearful as there were more kids in my home group than there were in the whole of my rural one-room school. It was a real culture shock. We had to catch the bus to come home so we never could participate in things. We lived 13 miles away and if you missed the bus you were out of luck.

When I came home at 26 from the city my father said, "You use to be such a quiet young thing and now you are making up for lost time." I had my party years from 26-31 when I remarried. That too was a lot of party time too, mostly at home or the Legion. I made myself get up and welcome strangers. It was like feel the fear and do it anyway, but back then I had alcohol to give me the courage. It became false courage and I no longer was an extrovert, I became an introvert.

I am so glad that I can socialize in today. I had a lot of healing to do. Service really helped me in this area.

When I got sober, if I spoke no one could here me. When I was using, I could get up and address a roomful of people and I was the Sports Officer and put on cribbage, darts, bowling and euchre tournaments.

When I first got up to speak, people were shocked that I could get up and tell my story. I still had a couple of members from my group, come into a large AA meeting and saw me in front of the group speaking,and couldn't believe it. They came up and gave me a hug, told me they were in shock and told me that they enjoyed my sharing.

For me, it is a miracle. I don't do the speaking, I am but a channel.

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[MajestyJo]

Forgiving or Resentful

"The purpose of resentment is judgment. When judging ceases,
so does the resentment. - - AA saying

"Forgiveness of others is a gift to yourself". - - AA saying

to forgive:
1. To excuse for a fault or an offence; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.

to resent:
1. Be offended by, be angry about, take offence at
2. Bear a grudge, to feel bitter, indignant, or aggrieved at.

This wasn't and still isn't an easy task for me. It even mentions in my horoscope that Aries people are slow to forgive. It seems to be the nature of the beast, so it was something I had to take to my God.

I no longer resent the people from my past. I no longer resent 'some' of the issues from my past, although there are some that still come to mind, and I have to keep working on them.

Sometimes things happen in today and when I feel upset, I often find that there is a link into my past that is triggering it or it is compounded interest and an issue I haven't dealt with yet. I am so glad that this is a one day at a time program and that I can continue to work on these issues when they appear. I didn't get sick in one day. I don't heal in one day. I am human and make mistakes. I am grateful that my God is a forgiving one. I always need to remember that if He can forgive, why can't I?

When I find myself resentful, I know that the program says that I need to pray for the person(s) until it goes away. The situation doesn`t change, it is me and my attitude that changes.

I found that I had to forgive the person, the act wasn`t always forgiveable, but need to be let go of. The longer I hang onto it, I stay sick and it continues to burden my outlook and my day to day living. Do I want to keep my life in turmoil and live in chaos.

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[MajestyJo]

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GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER SELF!

For so many years, I looked outside of myself for something or someone, to make me feel better. When I think of it, it shows that the thinking is the nature of my disease.

It was so important, especially in times of chaos, to go within and connect with my God, and find peace and the good orderly direction I need to move forward, or the peace of mind to stay where I was, waiting for God's Will, instead of charging forward on my own, and trying to make things happen, and make it all go away, now if not sooner.

Let go of the fear, and when you go within, you can come from a place of faith.

Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

Know that my body and mind are not acting the way they are suppose to. Self care is so important, I ignored it for years, and as a result of not listening to it and being honest, I am paying the piper now.

Self-honesty is so important. Just glossing things over, and pretending it isn't happening, is not good. I found myself slipping back into old patterns and behaviors.

Today when I was lying on the hospital bed, I found myself angry and very agitated because my doctor wasn't there and how dare he keep me waiting there. Ouch! So I decided to do the colour meditation that I was taught to do in treatment. When I close my eyes, I see darkness and then, I generally go through the colour spectrum starting with red, other times, I go to green, blue, or indigo before I see the healing power of the white light.

Today I saw the red and new it was anger. An all time first happened today, it was weird and strange. It was like I was seeing down the tunnel of my throat, and it was all red, but it was like a red tunnel and it was in motion, and it looked clear. When I got the results of the scope, I was told it was normal.

It was light go of the anger, fear, resentment, etc. and trust my God. Knew He was with me, and it was like He was showing me I had nothing to fear.

When the doctor did come, they moved me around, stuck something in my mouth, and the next thing I knew, I was in the recovery room and was told to sit up and get dressed. I woke up feeling great, don't know what they gave me, and don't care. I don't think it was a narcotic because I didn't have a heaviness from the after affects. He stated in the room to the other doctor that I was clean and sober 22 years.

Thanks for letting me share.

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[MajestyJo]

Shared this on another site:

It has been said in AA tat we are interested only in alcoholism. That is not true. We have to get over drinking in order to stay alive. But anyone who knows the alcoholic personality by first hand contact knows that no true alkie ever stops drinking permanently without undergoing a profound personality change.

<<< >>>

We thought "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to correct these conditions and found that we couldn't do so to our entire satisfaction, our drinking went out of hand and we became alcoholics. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to meet conditions, whatever they were.

1. Letter, 1940

2. Twelve and Twelve, p. 48

From "As Bill Sees It"

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Can identify with this. I could stop, but couldn't stay stopped. If I stopped alcohol, I substituted other things, like food, pills, work, and busy as a whole, something to take me out of the moment so I didn't have to feel, be accountable, or acknowledge what was going on in my life.

[MajestyJo]

When I got to my first anniversary, I was told, "Now the work really begins."

Once I detox, I was told that it took 11 months, I had some clarity and could start to have self-honesty and see the picture for what it was. It wasn't the alcohol,, it wasn't the prescription drugs, it was the thinking that was the problems and I have even more issues to deal with.

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[MajestyJo]

Who am I in today? Who do I want to be? Who is the God of my understanding? Do I build a daily relationship with Him/Her? Who am I keeping company with? They say, "Stick with the winners. Any one who stays sober for 24 hours is a winner. Winners are also people who put together, one 24 hour on top of another.

What I did 20+ years ago, is still applicable in today. What I did 20 hours ago is needed in today. This is a 24 hour a day program. Just for today, I choose not to use people, places and things. Who I was in the past, isn't who I am in today.

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[MajestyJo]

They say non-alcoholic beer, but in truth there is .05% alcohol
My husband may have got drunk, but it isn't up to me to say he is an alcoholic. He got drunk, he got violent, he had black outs which I never had. I remembered everything, often I wished I didn't.

I stayed in my denial about my own disease because I always compared myself to him and my dad and I didn't want to wear a label I had put on them. In today, it doesn't matter whether he is an alcoholic, or my father was an alcoholic who died as a result of his disease (he had angina and his nitro glycerine were all over the dresser and the floor when they found his body) in it, just enough to start a craving.

I have known several people who have relapsed because of it.

Personally, I hated beer. Never drank more than one from the time I was ten and tasted my first drink (communion wine I stole) and my last drink a glass of white wine with my dinner on August 20, 1991.

It helped nurture my denial, I can't be an alcoholic, I don't like beer! Yet when my husband was too drunk to finish his last beer, I would empty the bottle rather than leave it on the table. Today I know he was a drunk, I am the alcoholic with the stinking thinking.

[MajestyJo]

A friend in a time of need, is a friend indeed as they say.

That is our disease. It tells us we don't have it. We are just "fine" and if you don't know what that means, the polite words are, "Fearful, insecure, neurotic and enjoying it!" There are varying versions, but it all means the same.

We are our own worst enemy and no one hurts us more than we hurt ourselves over the years. It is time to stop running, stop hurting, and let go of the past, a day at a time. We don't pretend it didn't happen, in fact in recovery, it is one of our biggest assets. Been there done it, don't have to go back there, but we can share with someone else what it was like, what happened and what it is like today.

I am not my actions when I was in active addiction. When I came into recovery, I didn't know who I was. One of the greatest gifts I was given were the words, "God doesn't make no junk!" I am not a bad person trying to get good; I am a sick person who is suffering from a disease over which she has no power over, who is trying to heal and get better.

Through the Grace of the God of my understanding, the Fellowship of the Spirit of several Twelve-Step Programs, I am healing one day at a time. I try not to look at how far I have to go, but how far I have come, and that I am a walking miracle, who hasn't drank or drugged for one day, I haven't used another person or place (my bed) to escape my own reality, and I have learned to live in today, one day at a time.

This was on my site The Spirit of Healing

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

--The Wicked Queen

"Ugly, ugly!" This is often what we think as we look in the mirror. There are days when we feel ugly no matter how we comb our hair or wear our clothes. There are days when we feel like mistakes dressing up as people.

Criticizing ourselves on the outside is usually caused by the way we feel inside. When we measure ourselves by our physical appearance, we will always feel let down. No one can always be the fairest of them all.

Slowly we are beginning to understand how our real glow comes from the inside. We are meeting people in recovery who aren't beauty contest winners on the outside but who shine because of their personalities and their positive energy.

Today let me accept myself as a lovely person, inside and out.

[MajestyJo]

You are reading from the book:

Our Best Days by Sally Coleman & Nancy Hull-Mast

This article was titled: Ugly, Ugly, Ugly!

For too many days I care to remember, I always said these words to myself. What I didn't know was that as I healed from the inside out, that my reality changed, and as much as I didn't like some of the outside appearances, they were always subject to change; but the biggest change and the greatest beauty has been the gifts that I have received from within.

One day I was walking to the doctors, and I passed two mentally challenged people sitting on a park bench. One said to the other, "Remember one day at a time!" I told my cousin, "I found this new concept! You just live one day at a time!" and she said, "Doesn't everybody do that?"

One day last fall I came limping into my building, very much into the, "Oh, Woe is Me" Syndrome, " and a woman was sitting in the lobby. Her first day out of her apartment since she had her foot amputated. She died as a result of that operations just after Christmas.

I must remember to be grateful, I have a leg to swell. I have a program to live, and I too have special people in my life who love me, even when I have those fat and ugly days.

Written in 2004.

[MajestyJo]

Heard a girl share, "How many times did I drink to someone else's health?"

How little I was aware of what it was doing to my own. My father fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand and a glass or bottle in the other, I lived in fear with him for ten years. My husband became loud, abusive and violent when he drank. I compared myself to them. If you didn't see me drink it, unless you knew me really well, you wouldn't have known I drank.

The reality was, I could out drink them both and I had the resentment when the booze was gone, they were passed out, and there was nothing left for me.

I had the thinking problem, not a drinking problem like they did!

I had to learn to give myself permission to do certain things, AFTER I examined my motive and intent behind what was happening. My friend says nothing is good or bad, it is the intent and motive behind the thought and action which makes it good or bad for you.

I used my bed for years. Whenever I couldn't deal with life, reality and the situation at hand, I would crawl into my bed and hide, or I would run away from home with the attitude of "make me an offer I can't refuse" so I don't have to stay here and face me!

The same happened with food, work, computer, and meetings.

"Happiness, love and peace are where the heart are!" We have put our heart in some very unhealthy places and situations, and we wondered why we weren't happy; but worse still, blaming it on the other people instead of being responsible for our own choices.

Always looking outside of ourselves to make 'me' feel better. I can still do it in recovery, although not in so many unhealthy ways. It is certain a pattern I have needed to change in my life.

[MajestyJo]

90/90 is good, but one day at a time, and living each day is more important. A lot of people project to the 90 and don't live in today. At the end of 90 there is no cure, there is no quick fix, I think the term was probably one of those 'old timer's' slogans or old tapes that refers to Step One, if you decide you don't like us, you can go back out and we will refund your misery.

I was one of the sick ones, I did two meetings a day for two years. Then with service and my program maintenance I was still doing 7-10 meetings a week. Now I am no longer as active in service if you don' count the number of times I come here, then I get to one or two meetings a week now that I have twelve years of living this program one day at a time.

A sponsor is important, the steps are crucial for serenity and sobriety, and the traditions have spiritual principles which we can apply to our own lives to help us with living. It helps within the groups, but it helps when you apply them to your home.

Monday at noon (est) we are doing Step One. To date we don't have a Monday night meeting, but I hope someone will be able to do one in the near future.

There are meetings every night. I am a recovering addict who used alcohol and pills to escape life, and I have a son who is out there practicing, and I have been going to Al-Anon for twelve years. Al-Anon helped me to find myself. It helped me see where my roots were and to identify old tapes and has been the basis of my recovery program. Twelve Steps are Twelve Steps, and it is about living clean and sober in today and letting go of the past, with a hope for a better tomorrow. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon help me with that. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic and the daughter of a mother who qualified for Overeaters Anonymous.

I am a recovering workaholic and just about any other program you want to put me in. My drug of choice is more. I can use anything to escape life and where I am at and not take the time to stop and look at me.

The First Promise says we will know a new freedom and a new happiness. I have the freedom of bondage from active addiction; but I was granted another great gift. I was given the freedom to be myself.

Written in 2004

When I am hurting, it is always back to basics for me, because it generally means I am not working my program to it's fullest.

I had a friend say once, "She went out and bought all the self-help books she could find, then she did a Big Book study, and found everything in there that she needed for living and for what she had spent time and money on, looking for 'outside' of the program.

Basics for me? Don't pick up! Don't use! Go to a meeting, talk to my sponsor, read my recovery literature from whatever fellowship material I need in today, apply the steps to my life and live the traditions so I can live with myself and my fellowman.

Keep it Simple! If sayings help you to remember all of the above, please use them. If you have some of your own, utilize them. It is about doing whatever works for you, in today.

I have twenty-two years of one day at a time. I sometimes hesitate to say I have that much sobriety, because some of those days my soundness of mind was questionable. I am clean and sober, but I strive for sobriety in today, this is a living program.

Through my Higher Power, my program is my anchor and foundation.

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[MajestyJo]

If I was at your house, I'd ask to use the bathroom and I'd go through the medicine cabinet and take whatever there. I don't need to know what it is. Sometimes I'd be up for days, saying the same thing over and over, chewing my tongue. Other times I'd be falling down, bouncing off the walls. Sometimes I'd get real 'regular'. And I probably took enough pills out of those wheels that there's no chance I'm going to get pregnant this century. - Bob D. (Alkie speaks)

Because I was raised to be a good little Christian girl, stealing didn't come easy for me, even when I was using. I would often try to justify it or talk you out of it but generally did it to your face.

I didn't think I was an alcoholic because I didn't have black outs, I could walk a straight line and had people tell me they never saw me drunk. All things that affirmed that I didn't have a problem.

When I got sober, I didn't realize how stoned I really was, especially when I drank and took the pills too. I would say, "Well I only had 5 drinks, that is nothing, I can't be drunk forgetting that I had a belly full of pills prior to drinking.

Even in my 'drinking' days, before I tried ti quit my way (substituting pills), I took two 222s before going to bed to prevent a hang over or so I said, not sure if I believed it.

I had black outs with the pills. Things I didn't remember doing or saying. I was taking medication that had a street name so it couldn't have been good. I heard people tell there drinking stories and I would think I didn't do that. Then when I got honest, I realized I had those same symptoms when taking the pills. As my drinking decreased, my pill intake increased. I had never heard about AA. When I got there, I found the solution. Don't drink and don't drug! Substitution doesn't work.

It took me a while in recovery to learn and believe that it doesn't matter what the substance is, it all leads to the same soul sickness.

When my mind started to think "more" it didn't matter what it was, what ever was on hand. i.e. food, computer, reading and shutting out the world, TV, bed, etc. all these things allowed me to hide and put up blocks to what I didn't want to face in the moment. I justified it all by saying it wasn't my drug of choice.

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[MajestyJo]

"Whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here" is a lesson not only in maintaining anonymity but also in avoiding gossip.

"Gossip never enriched anyone's character: It was only an excuse to avoid focusing on myself:' Courage to Change, p. 300

Have been the brunt of a lot of gossip. It has made me look at myself and take my own inventory and take responsibility for myself, and leave the rest. I was told that for ever finger I point at someone, I have three coming back at me.

So if they speak about me, I always pray that the spirit of my program goes before me and those that know me and those that really care, will know I walk my truth to the best of my ability.

If I find myself judging others, then I really need to dig deep. It takes one to know one, whether it is good or bad. It is a very negative thing, yet I can change it into a positive for my recovery.

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[MajestyJo]

For so many years I beat myself up for not being able to do what I thought was my duty or my responsibility. I try not to make promises I can't keep in today, I try to remember to say, "God willing."

I want to finish posting, but just hurting too much to do more at the moment. Need to reboot my computer and me. My muscles are burning and my bones are hurting, so going to take time to care for me. Sounds like a time off for prayer and meditation, and if need be, more sleep.

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[MajestyJo]

Have caught up as much as I can today. Will have to start again at 1 a.m. and start a new day.

I knew it would help, to read the spiritual meditations. I never know what is going to come to mind when I read them if anything. Sometimes I look and my mind is blank, but often come back and it speaks to me, it is the message I need to hear in the moment.

I was sharing with a friend the other day, that in less than a month, I will be 72 years old, yet I still need this program, one day at a time.

On March 21st, I will be 5 months from 23 years sober, and yet, I need the program just as much in today, as I did when I entered the doors of recovery. It isn't about 23 years of sobriety, it is about being clean and sober for 23 years.

The biggest and greatest gift is that I didn't do it alone. It was because of people like you, who shared my journey with me. Without you, there is no me.

I didn't have a home group at 3 months sober to pick up a 3 month pin, not something I recommend. I was later given a pin from someone who hadn't been able to stay sober, he finally got over 3 months, and gave me one of his pins.

A guy in NA gave me his 7 year medallion. The 7th years was a big year of new awareness and spiritual growth.

A man. who lived across the hall from me, with 44 years of sobriety, gave me his fish and chips because he didn't feel like eating them. He died a year later.

When you see a man with over 50 years of sobriety, whose light shines out of his eyes, he lightens up a room and oozes serenity, you want what they have. I had a sponsor in early recovery who had the same thing, she fired me. She said that she didn't see me at the meetings she went to (I moved across town out of the YWCA), and not always able to go to her meetings. One was a speaker meeting, and they were not healthy for me, because you can hide in a speaker group, not enough service for me, and I made the mistake of comparing instead of identifying. Ironically, I go to that same group in today when I can get out, because it is my friend Bert's home group.

I thought of calling him today because I am thinking I am over due for an AA F2F meeting, but was in so much pain, didn't want to make a promise I wasn't sure I would be able to keep. If it is meant to be, it will be. A sure sign I need a meeting is when I found myself cussing, a sure sign that I am slipping back into the old SELF.

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[MajestyJo]

W is for Wait. Wait on the Lord, He will direct your path. "W" can also stand for "Weight." Don't let your trials and tribulations weigh you down, turn them over to your God. Don't wait until they become too much of a burden to carry and you reach out for whatever your drug of choice is in the moment.

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[MajestyJo]

Powerful positive push

Look carefully and thoughtfully at the things that frustrate you. In each of them you will find real and workable ideas for positive growth.
Frustration occurs when you realize, sometimes painfully, that things are not working nearly as well as they could be. Follow that realization to its natural conclusion and you will find a clearly marked pathway for improvement.

Great inventions, successful companies and immense fortunes have been built through positive responses to frustration. Indeed, frustration has always been a major catalyst for creating value.

People frustrated with the way things are, can develop insatiable appetites for making the world better. Frustration can get you thinking and acting, building, creating and persevering toward a positive purpose.

Frustration is the feeling of knowing it can be better, and the greater the frustration, the more positive and exciting are the possibilities. When you are feeling frustration, remind yourself what a truly great blessing it can be leading you toward.

When you know without a doubt that things can be better, you've already started the process of improvement. Go ahead, feel the frustration, and let it give you a powerful positive push.

-- Ralph Marston

When I look at this, I can identify. Anger and frustration has always been a big motivator for me. Before it was don't tell me watch me and I would try to prove everyone wrong.

Today, thanks to recovery, I go to the Steps and to my HP to do what I need to change me and my attitude. When I align myself with HP things just seem to have a way of working out.

When I get frustrated it is generally me back running the show or trying to make something happen that hasn't come into being yet. Doesn't mean it won't, just not in my time. Anger and frustration is often me not getting my own way.

Use to say, "Don't tell me what to do, watch me." I had to change my attitude, and in today it is "In today, all things are possible through my God."

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[MajestyJo]

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The story this tells me is that, we may not all be the same colour, race, and believe in the same creed, yet in the rooms of recovery we are one, gathered together with the same interests, with similar goals, and walk the same path. We feel at home, and it is a we program, not I can do it I, myself, and me.

We can do together, what I can't do for myself. It is sad how many times we try, before reaching out and asking for help.

May you continue to walk in the Fellowship of the Spirit.

[MajestyJo]

From Surrender To Acceptance

"We surrender quietly and let the God of our understanding take care of us."

NA Basic Text p. 26


Love the 'we' aspect of the program. I tried my way, and my way didn't work. "We" can do what I can't do alone. I put my life into the 'care' of God. He doesn't do it for me, I have to do the work under His love and guidance. when I surrender my 'all' to Him, I am better able to live life on life's terms. For me, it is a 'thought' here and there, go here, do this, do you really want to go there, what does this mean, why am I doing this, and so much more. The direction is there if I surrender, turn things over and listen for the answers.

can't just sit back and wait for Him to do the work for me. I can surrender, sit back and listen for the direction and guidance, knowing that He will give me the strength, courage, guidance, and inner knowing that I need to do what I need each day.

I like to think of it as living under His Umbrella.

The reality is without Him, I am powerless. Through Him, I am empowered to do what I need to do for my self. I no longer live in a world of illusion and I can get honest with myself. So much of that acceptance, is not only accepting what is going on around me, but accepting myself for who I am in today and where I am at.

Often it is at a crossroad, going through a shift and a change, letting go, and sometimes it is denial, grief, self-pity, and anger. It is often the reality of the moment, which can change from moment to moment, hour by hour, and day to day.

"God is as He reveals Himself to me in today." As I grow in awareness and learn to trust myself, learn to listen for the answers, I become more God conscious; and surrendered more and accepted more depending on that given day.

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[MajestyJo]

For me it is "Recovery of Self!"

I am an adult child, who got a lot of mixed messages that I needed to learn to identify and change to become the person I wanted to be.

I was married to two abusive men and I had to learn my own identity because I had lived my life through them for ten years, along with the many men who were a part of my life.

I am a person who became addicted to alcohol and prescription drugs. I was a workaholic and have an eating disorder.

Every time I used, I lost a piece of me. When I came into recovery I was a fragmented shell, and there wasn't very much of me left. I had lost it, given it away, or just got it all mixed up and didn't know who I was.

Someone asked me what made me happy and I didn't know, and couldn't remember having that feeling too often in my life.

I had to find myself, which I did my the reflection of the people in the rooms of recovery. Some of it was the negative that I had to change, other part were the positive which I recognized as having already, or which was missing and proceeded to apply or add to my own personal inventory.

They say take an inventory, but I didn't have much that I could feel accountable for because all my life I had lived through other people. I did what people told me to do, I acted the way people said I was suppose to, I spoke in the manner which I was told to or I thought was the proper way to speak for each given occasion.

I have come to realize "how can I know what I have never been taught!" When they say keep an open mind, for me it means to be open new ideas and concepts, and be willing to accept or reject them to become the person I want to be in recovery.

I can still go back into the old patterns, I can still act out in my disease, but as I stay clean and grow in this program I am able to identify where I am at and use the tools that I am given to change. I have a Higher Power who often taps me on the shoulder and redirects me and I am sure He sits up there and says, "Tsk, Tsk!!! Don't tell me we are going to go through this again, hasn't she learned her lesson yet?" Yet through it all He is loving, caring, forgiving and just keeps telling me to just try. All I have to do is try to be the best me I can be today, nothing more, nothing less, but I do have to try. The failure is in the not trying. Not on doing, and falling on my fanny or back into old ways of thinking and doing, because this is one day at a program, and each day is a new beginning.

Love and Hugs, keep coming so you don't have to come back. It took me two years to detox because it took me so long to get here. At four years I quit journaling because I looked at what I had written at 2 years and thought "this is a crock of "sh*t" and it took me two years more to realized that it wasn't, it was where I was at in the moment. All I had done was block my ability to get out the feelings I need to and had come to a portion of my life I didn't want to look at, and it was another two years later when I got my computer that I was able to write and open up again.

You need to be your own best friend. Looking outside of ourselves to fulfill our needs is never satisfying and we need to go within and find our true selves.

Something I wrote on another site in 2004.

Looking outside of myself to make myself happy is Step Two. Why should I look to others to make me feel good. If I am not feeling good within, I won't recognized it outside. When I can't find it, and I find it and lose it, or keep thinking more, I am caught up in the insanity of my disease.

[MajestyJo]

Shared by a friend:


I wrote this song from my heart its called:

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE HEART

There's a part of us deep down inside
that can't be touched by change or time
its a place where hope comes from, for a brand new start
a place where you or I can go
Its SOME WHERE NEAR THE HEART

It may be buried under the past mistakes we have made
or the pain and suffering we go through
Its the part of us that's most alive that cant be touched by change or time.
Its SOMEWHERE NEAR THE HEART

Quiet down the noise in your head now
listen to the voice that cries out to be,
something better than your eyes can see for yourself now
don't look outside for the answers, look inside instead.
ITS SOMEWHERE NEAR THE HEART.

by carolsongs ACOA, AA

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[MajestyJo]

Sometimes we don't always have the love and support of our kin and we find what we need in our home group and the members in the fellowship.

Don't forget that kin, knew us from our past and have to get to know us in today. How many promises we made in the past and action we preformed, that was hurtful and abusing. They have to get to see us walk our walk and learn to trust. Trust isn't something you get, it is something that you need to earn.

Keep affirming yourself.

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Keep going to meetings, you will find yourself there.

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[MajestyJo]

Today and the last few days, I have been doing more meditation and have brought my cards out instead of just sitting still and talking to my God.

Since I was introduced to them, they have spoken to me. When ever I doubt or should say, listen to others tell me that I shouldn't use them and that they are tools of the Devil not of God, something happens to affirm my belief.

I have several angel, animal, spiritual teachings (Osho, Celtic, Sylvie Browne, Native American and Jamie Sams) and many more.

Today I asked what I needed for my health and well being. I was using the Celtic cards. I pulled the Spring card and it said, "To replenish my body, drink spring water and not to drink my usual drink. I had just poured myself a glass of Coca-Cola Zero.

When I shuffle the cards, ask a question. Shuffle them again, especially if I didn't like the answer or understand it, and I get the same card again, then I have to think there is a lesson to be learned.

Last night I pulled a Rune which told me to sit in the stillness. This affirmed my need to do meditation and ask for healing.

My friend and I were discussing this tonight at dinner. My place is quite small. It is crowded with two people in it. We can each take our own space. We don't have to fill up the space with words. We don't take offense if someone doesn't sit and talk to us, we can respect each other's space and allow them to be where they need to be in the moment.

Over the years, I have changed, things have come full circle in some areas, and there is always a new beginning. I always try to remember to ask for my own knowingness in today.

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[MajestyJo]

PRECIOUS AND UNIQUE

Samuel Thadeus Short

“Every grain of dust has a wonderful soul.”

— Joan Miro

Human beings have been known to act toward other people as though they were things, objects instead of subjects like themselves. Men sometimes act this way toward women; parents toward children, the young toward the old. We must guard against this tendency among ourselves which is literally disrespect for the individual and is always dangerous.

Each human is a unique and precious being. It injures the spirit to forget that even for a moment. And when we remember it, we are able to act in concert with our self respecting humans. In respecting ourselves fully, we show others how to treat us, and as we treat them respectfully we acknowledge and enhance humanity.

The quality of human interactions can be so wonderful; why should we deface it by forgetting the uniqueness of others?

The Antesian Road To Enlightenment
antesianroadtoenlightenment-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

EXPANDING CONSCIOUSNESS

I have a friend coming by today who loves the word unique as much as I do. It made me feel like a somebody, no longer a nobody, someone who has purpose and a reason for being because no one else has walked in my shoes, has been and done what I had to do to get here. We all walk different journey, we are unique in our experiences, but not unique in our disease.

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[MajestyJo]

I work in a nursing home for awhile after being sober
talk about a humbling experience.
It was also very special
it was hard to grow to love someone and watch them die.
I was thankful to help make them as comfortable as I could and to let them know they were still people and there was some one who cared about them.
So many forgotten by family it really broke my heart
and it brought joy also to love them all.

Mender 1

Having volunteered at senior centers, jails and detox, recovery houses, and missions, I understand. It is difficult not to allow yourself to get attached.

I also helped in a free computer outlet for residence of housing and it gives you a more compassionate outlook on people from diverse walks of life, colour and creed.

So many people are lonely today, the fear of what is 'out there' and the limitations of old tapes and upbringing, keep a lot of people isolated and it is amazing what you receive as a result of extending a hand and a smile. So many people just don't care, or they get caught up in busy and forget how come they have busy in their life today.

It helps to know where someone came from and being open that their life was traumatic to them, be they a self admitted alcoholic/addict or not.

They say that families and friends of alcoholic and addict, hurt just as much, if not more than the A in their life.

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[MajestyJo]

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They say the longest road in recovery, is from our head to our heart. We think we know, and then we feel the knowing and that it is God given and a gift to be cherished.

I spent so many years hardening my heart, that it took a lot of healing to soften it up, so I could love myself and others.

Sometimes, I can find myself back in my head, but I know, that when I have an attitude of gratitude, my thinking goes back to my heart, and I am God-centered instead of self-centered.

[MajestyJo]

Want to share something with you, I call it a God thing.

I was in pain after posting earlier and went back to bed with my heating pad, and didn't wake up until 2:45 p.m.

The sun was shining, so I got dressed and answered the call of sunshine. As I was waiting for the elevator, I realized, this is a new morning and said the Serenity Prayer along with the Third and Seventh Step Prayers. As I walked downtown, I had the thought, "Perhaps I should go in to see Tony to see if I can get an appointment, as my hip keeps giving out and my left foot is turned outward." As I walk along the street, I see this person coming toward me and it is Tony. I now have an appointment for next Monday afternoon at the Holistic Center.

I was thinking of going to cancel my chiropractor's appointment tomorrow, but decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. Bill and Tony had helped my leg, but it has been out since my last two chiropractor visits. He says it is because I didn't go to him. I didn't go to him because I lost some faith and trust when he crack my rib and find it difficult to relax when he goes to make an adjustment. I have been doing a meditation before I go there and again when I am in the treatment room before he comes in.

Things don't always happen because I want them to or because I pray for them, but things do happen, just not always in my time, or until such a time as I remember to ask and not take my God for granted.

As I walked away from Tony, I said "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

I had a little chuckle because an older lady was standing with a cane by Tony's office building. She looked like the wind would blow her over. I asked her if I could do anything to help her. I would have let her sit on my walker to rest, or I would have pushed her to where she wanted to go. She said, "No thanks dear, my son has gone for the car. Thank you for asking." I realized after I left her, that she looked like she could have been Tony's mom.

The wondrous ways that God works in our life.

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[MajestyJo]

Have been having problems with staying confident and having faith that everything will be alright. I know that it is because I want things to turn out my way, so with that realization, I keep trying to turn things over daily.

My apprehension is more for my son and my sisters, than for myself, so when that happens, I need to turn them over too.

It is very much a one day at a time. One days thoughts, one days actions, one days feelings, one days experience, etc.

Never have lost faith in my God. I have lost faith in myself.

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[MajestyJo]

Mold your life according to your God's plan. Mold yourself into the kind of person you would like to be.

Have a wee story to tell. I was talking to a good friend about an ex-boyfriend, and said, "He tried to fit me into the mold of what he though women should be and how they should act, and I kept breaking them. I said, "I wonder how many molds he made? My friend replied, "He probably ran out of clay."

How can someone else know who we are when we don't know ourselves. People who knew us before recovery, don't always identify with the person you are in today.


Myself

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know.

I want to be able as days go by,
always to look myself straight in the eye;

I don't want to stand with the setting sun
and hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
a lot of secrets about myself

and fool myself as I come and go
into thinking no one else will ever know

the kind of person I really am,
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.

I want to go out with my head erect
I want to deserve all men's respect;

but here in the struggle for fame and wealth
I want to be able to like myself.

I don't want to look at myself and know that
I am bluster and bluff and empty show.

I never can hide myself from me;
I see what others may never see;

I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself and so,

whatever happens I want to be
self respecting and conscience free.

- - Edgar A. Guest

[MajestyJo]

We say a day at a time, but often it is moment by moment when we are tempted. Self-justification can lead us back into old ways of thinking, which in turn takes us back to actions, which takes us out of today.

Justification and rationalization doesn`t make it right. I am saying this because I feasted on some brownies last night. I was sad and wanted to sweeten my feelings. I did call my ex-sponsor from AA because my Al-Anon sponsor is out of town. I also did prayer and meditation in the morning and later when my son left, didn`t listen to the voice inside that said `No` before I bought the brownies on the way home from the doctor`s and after I ate them, I had to pray for forgiveness. I knew it was wrong, but it seemed like there was nothing going to stop me from buying them. Told myself that I wasn`t going to eat them all. I ate them in two lots and made it worse by putting chocolate icing on them. I knew I shouldn`t because they were not on the shelf when I came in, and on the way out, there were two at the back of the shelf that I spotted on the way out. I told myself I did good by only buying one package.

That is why it is one day at a time and it is important to pick up the tools of the program. Some may say, how important is a few (8) brownies, it is nothing. Considering that my drug of choice is more, no matter what the substance is, it makes me slip and even if I stop at the end of one bag, the reality is, I should have stopped at 1 brownie. I am diabetic. If I had bought the second bag, it would probably be gone by now too.

I am on Metformin for my diabetes. The thing I told myself was, `I have a Metformin to take.` Again with the self-justification and rationalizing my actions. These were two of my worst defects of character in early recovery, looks like God and I have some work to do.

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[MajestyJo]

"Remember if you point at someone, you have 3 fingers coming back at you. If you are looking at someone and see good attributes in them, then you need to own them. I was told it was a program of reflection and I have some of that goodness within me to recognize it.

I always thought of the negative and didn`t recognize that the positive was true as well. My awakening came after hearing a great speaker who came from a similiar place and I could identify with her.

I was told that for every negative in my 4th Step, I had to find a positive to balance it. Like the chip of the day, which side do we lean toward. Somethings are better, some have declined and need nurturing, and the rest, my God and I are working on them.

i.e. faith/fear, patient/impatient, happy/unhappy, tolerant/intolerant, etc.

It is one day at a time. A long-timer use to say that he had 13 trash tins and only 12 lids, and a defect of character popped up every day. He would put a lid on it and another one would pop up. He had 25 years of sobriety when I had 2. I went to all the morning meetings and he was there. He was one of the ones who showed me the way.

For me it has been awareness and praying and asking for clarity and my own truth. Sometimes when I am stumped, I say a prayer, take a meditation book or my angel and animal cards, and I am directed to what I need to hear and see.

The books I hold them a few minutes, pray, and open the book and read the page that is in front of me. I use my Bible, Courage to Change, The Language of Letting Go, As Bill Sees It, and In God`s Care.

There was a time it was when we ignored trouble, hoping it will go away. Or, in fear and in depression, we ran from it, but found it was still there. Often , full of unreason, bitterness, and blame, we fought back. These mistaken attitudes, powered by alcohol, guaranteed our destruction, unless they were altered.

- As Bill Sees It pg. 110

This is what I got when I followed my suggestion. I also know that I need to ask for my perception to be healed and that I am seeing things as they are, rather than what I would have them be.

For many years, I was caught up in tunnel vision, selective hearing, and as Jimmy Durante (before your time) use to say, "Only the nose knows."

It is about getting in touch with my Inner Self and aligning myself with my God's will for me today, rather than acting out in the isms of my disease.

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When I became more aware, I went to a Horoscope book and looked up the characteristics of an Aries. I found they looked at me and wrote the book. I could identify so much with the things posted there.

I don't live by it. I had a friend who wouldn't get out of bed in the morning, until she read her horoscope for the day. Not much faith in that, saying a prayer and asking my God into my life each mornings seems like a much better solution.

It was nice to know that there were others who thought like me. When I went into recovery, I found that there were people of all signs of the Zodiac who had been where I had been.

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[MajestyJo]

Pocket Sponsor - Book - Quote

God didn't do it!

God doesn't do anything to me, but always through me.

That is something I ask for daily, to be a channel that God may work through me instead of having to work around me or others.

For so many years, it was look what you did! It got to a stage in my life, I always replied, "The Devil made me do it!" Hogwash!

For one thing, as much as people said it was wrong, it was there opinion and I had to stop taking I personal. I don't think I will ever forget my mother saying, "Look at what you made me do, it is all your fault." I don't even remember the incident, just remember the words. Don't know what she did or I did, but apparently I did it and I was responsible for the whole mess.

I firmly believe that God DOES NOT TEST US! We test God. Yes life happens, and things are put in front of us, I don't see it as a test, so much as Him allowing me freedom of choice.

It can be a test of faith, yet every day is that. He doesn't do something that will hurt me and His Goal to 'Get' me and only me and I am so hard done by and why is this happening to me. I made choices that brought me to where I am in today.

So many times we are victim of other people's choices. So we have to learn to accept it, or we can choose to become a victim and play the martyr, which I have done far too many times.

My God doesn't grab me by the scuff of the neck and say "Don't!" Yet if I go to the quiet, and sit in the stillness, the good orderly direction is there. It is up to me as to whether I listen to it or turn away.

So many people blame God for the state of the world. The people of the world made choices, in most cases, to ignore God and disclaim His existence. What a wonderful world this would be if everyone just made their space, the best space it can be, just for today.

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This may be a rerun, originally posted on another site in 2011.

This spoke to me this morning. My son is in a lot of pain because of his tooth ache, nausea, migraines, infection, etc. I try to help, but you can't help someone who isn't willing to do for himself, he wants someone to make it better, take away all the pain. No recognition of the fact that his addiction brought him to where he is at in today.

[MajestyJo]

It works when you work it.

Earlier today, I told myself that I was in too much pain to post. When I started, I got an anti-virus notice to update, and I thought it was a sure sign that I was not meant to post in the moment.

All said and done, when things were finished, I tried to read and I could concentrate for the pain, so came on the computer.

When the posting were half done, the pain eased, and now I have little pain, and I think I will be able to do a little task I have been procrastinating about, sorting through some clothes.

My God does, if I do.

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[MajestyJo]

There are moments in our life that are priceless and endearing. This morning my son gave me hope. He said, "I am going to sleep here tonight mom and then I am going to try to get into detox tomorrow. He wants to go into treatment.

He doesn't want to go because it is no smoking. He has a few cigarettes left, so plans to smoke them before he goes. A real remember for me, trying to make the day and the nights align with the number of cigarettes I had when I quit.

He said, "I watch you mom, your recovery was stronger when you quit smoking, the cigarettes lead to using. Coffee tasted bad, so hardly ever drink it. I no longer had to eat to make things taste better.

That is why I went to NA when I quit cigarettes 16 years ago, I got key tags and applied the steps, because nicotine is a drug. They were mind altering. Took away feelings of hungry .

Just got a call from Windows and my computer isn't working properly and they have to do some work on it.

Lost my train of thought and having problems working through the pain.

Thanks for letting me share.

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[MajestyJo]

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Have faith in my God. Have faith in the program. Trying to have faith and stay in the moment and know that this too shall pass.

Have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. I have a sense of what it is, too much isolation and I need to get out more. Was disappointed today because I got out, it was much warmer, the sun was shining, got my errands run and the pain has been at an all time high the whole day. What I need is acceptance, turn it over, and don't go into anger, frustration, hurt and the poor mes. I am closing up shop, going to do a meditation and then hopefully I will find the inclination to cook dinner and the desire to eat it.

I can't, my God can, just for today I will get out of my way, and allow my God to work through me and for me, being open to what is best for my Higher Good.

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[MajestyJo]

They say, "What you are." Not sure that those are the right words, but it affirms that, what we put out, we get back. What we take, we need to pass on.

I can't maintain my sobriety if I don't give it away. Yet I can't give it away, if I don't have it.

Changing my life and making healthy choices, is what has allowed me to change. I am not a bleeding deacon or a self-righteous soul, who thinks their way is the only way. I just know that I have been truly blessed.

Healthy choices applies to all area of my life, especially when it comes to food. What I put in my body, can dictate my pain levels, my health and well being, and I have to ask myself, "Why did I get clean and sober, if I choose to still abuse my body, mind and soul?"

Lately I have had to pray and turn over my love of chocolate. I love it, it gives me energy (short-term), and it makes me feel good. Yet in reality, it affects my diabetes, especially the circulation in my body. I know, but couldn't seem to stop eating it. I kept justifying and telling myself that chocolate is good for me. Yet it is suppose to be 70%, and the quantity I choose to eat. In reality, chocolate brownie cup cakes are bad enough, but when I added chocolate icing to them, they are deadly. I found myself in a don't care mode of thinking.. Not to mention the weight that I put on after losing it. I know I am not fat, but I can let my mind go there, and the rebel comes out that says, "Don't tell me what to do."

I have to care about me. I can't, my God can, just for today, I choose to let Him. I went into two stores today and said "No!" That is a beginning, and to keep doing, I need to go to my God and apply my program to the situation.

We can do what I can't do alone.

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[MajestyJo]

KEEPERS

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents -- a Mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a name for it...

Father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other.

It was the time for fixing things -- a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.

All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my Mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.'

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return.

So...while we have it...it's best we love it.....and care for it.....and fix it when it's broken.....and heal it when it's sick.

This is true.....for marriage.....and old cars.....and children with bad report cards.....and dogs with bad hips.....and aging parents.....and grandparents.

We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep.

Like a best friend that moved away -- or -- a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.....and so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life.

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[MajestyJo]

A post I made on another site. Oh how I remember!!!! Scary!

OLDER THAN DIRT

LightningBugs / Older 'n Dirt!!

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'"I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

=====

"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!

[MajestyJo]

Some additional suggestions by other members:


There are a few more I can remember:-

Poodle skirts & fuzzy sweaters
Saddle shoes
Ice cream Parlours - a whole store just for ice cream
Fresh baked bread from the kitchen or bakery.
Unlocked doors to your home
Watching the the Friday night fight with my grandpa on his tiny TV
Going to the butcher with my grandma and picking out the chicken that was running around in the yard. Seeing it killed and cleaned. The sawdust on the floor in the butcher.
Deserts that came from the kitchen not a bag or box.
Iceboxes that needed ice to stay cold. And lugging out the big drip container.
Clotheslines - nobody had a dryer.
Big bonnet hair dryers.
Going to the beach late at night because it was too hot to stay inside.
Neighbors who knew you and you them.
Double features at the movies.
Doo Wop music (that you could understand the words to).
The first man on the moon.
A vacation was a trip to the mountains to get away from the city. ( Not Paris, Mexico, or Cancun)
Bel-Aire cars (not SUV's or Hummers)



Thank you for adding to the list. I hadn't added a few of my own because I had an appointment.

I remember those clothes lines with a line divider and wooden clothes pegs. Also those circular ones which stuck up from your back yard like a giant umbrella.

I was raised with outhouses.
I remember seeing my grandfather's Clydsdales pulling the plough when I was six.
I remember plucking the chicken and hating the smell, especialy when my mother burned newspaper on top of the wood stove to singe the pin feathers.
Chopping kindling to start the fire in the wood stove. (I once started a chimney fire that could be seen over a mile away :( because I forgot to shut off the draft)
Bathtubs on legs
I was 17 when I had my first taste of pizza, it was cold and I never touched it for years. It was a plain slab one and when I tasted one years later I resented all the time I had wasted because of my first impression.
We didn't get a TV until I was 14.
My dad had a Model T and I let the seat fall on my sisters finger and she never lets me forget.
Maybe a Desota car can be added to the list.
I use to own a Rambler thanks to my dear #2.
Root cellars
Unpasteurized milk, skimming off the cream from the top of the pail fresh from the barn.
Carrying water from the well.
Stacking loose hay
The smell of fresh clover when you laid in the field and made angels and looked at the clouds.

Let me see if I can remember a few here. ::)

How about black and white tv's before color t.v.'s came out.
Razor blades that you actually had to put into the razor itself.
Our versions of pedal pushers. (cropped pants)
Page boys or beehive hairdos
Cat eye glasses..
No seat belts in cars
black and white pictures from our brownie camera. The negatives were huge too.

The one I also remember at one of my grandmothers was...no indoor plumbing....make a trip out to the outhouse before it gets dark...and taking a bath in the kitchen with a washtub and water she brought in and boiled on the stove.

Gee forgot about that one. Heating the water in the reservoir of the wood stove and bathed in a tin tub, one was square and when I got older a round one.

Homemade bread, pies and cakes.
Fresh churned butter and straight from the hen eggs.
Lye soap and washboards to clean your clothes.
Remember getting my hand stuck in the wringer, and stead of releasing it, I rolled it back out! Duh!!!

Can you identify and add a few of your own.

[MajestyJo]

Say Yes to the program, and no to addiction. Say Yes, to God and ask for His care and guidance through each day.

Yield not to temptation, let go of the thoughts and turn to your God. If you don't have a working relationship with your God, say "Yes!" to a spiritual quest and search for what God means to you. As I was told, "It does't matter what you believe as long as you don't believe YOU are it!"

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http://www.hymnary.org/text/yield_not_to_temptation_for_yielding_is_

[MajestyJo]

Was two years sober before I took the 1st step 100%, I couldn't get rid of the denial. I kept comparing instead of identifying. I didn't have black out. I wasn't a falling down drunk. I could walk and drive a straight line. I had total contempt for my woman friends who couldn't stand up and had to be practically carried out of the Legion. My biggest fear was making an ass of myself and doing something stupid. I would go into the washroom, stick my finger down my throat, upchuck so I could drink more rather than cross the line, between being in control and out of control. "If you have to control it, it is already out of control." Now how lady like is it to do something like that, so you won't stagger and miss a step walking across the floor. You wonder why they say this is a disease of perception. My husband has 20 beers, can't stand without staggering out of the bar. I have 20 rye and coke, I help him or let him fall out of the place, get behind the wheel, say, "I'm not drunk, and drive him home. A police car is sitting in the corner lot, I say, "Slouch a little bit more, the left signal light isn't working." I stop at the stop sign. I pull out to the edge of the pavement to see past parked cars and pull out into the street, with my window down and using hand signals. I am hoping they think, "The wife taking the drunken husband home," that is what it looks like, the reality is, she is as hammered as he is, even though she doesn't want to admit to it. 20 drinks is 20 drinks, be they beer or rye, if anything, I should have been drunker than he was.

If I got angry, I tended to sober up, then I would be already to start again. With my husband, he was the opposite, you would swear he had drank about 3 times the amount he had already drank. So this might be why I drove home alright because he generally made me royally ticked off by the end of the night.

It isn't how much you drank but what it did to you and how you metabolized it. As you can see, some of those words were quotes from certain incidents that happened, I was not a very nice person when I was drinking. I don't think I was too normal on most things in life. :(

Posted this on another site on 8/18, 2012, three days before my 21st anniversary.

The person that came into recovery is no more. But the person in today, can slip into that other persona if I don't maintain my sobriety, one day at a time.

Some of the material that was on my sites, was posted on other sites, so even though my sites are gone, I still get to go back and re-read them. They spoke to me then, and they still speak to me in today, even if it is to recognize that, "that was then, this is now."

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[MajestyJo]

DAILY OM

Letting Nature Work
Silent Change

We all see things about ourselves, our relationships, and our world that we want to change. Often, this desire leads us to take action toward inner work that we need to do or toward some external goal. Sometimes, without any big announcement or momentous shift, we wake up to find that change has happened, seemingly without us. This can feel like a miracle as we suddenly see that our self-esteem really does seem to be intact, or our partner actually is helping out around the house more. We may even wonder whether all of our hard work had anything to do with it, or if it just happened by way of grace.

As humans, sometimes we have relatively short attention spans, and we can easily lose track of time. We may worry about a seedling in a pot with our constant attention and watering for several weeks only to find ourselves enjoying the blooms it offers and wondering when that happened, and how we didn’t notice it. Nature, on the other hand, has infinite patience and stays with a thing all the way through its life. This doesn’t mean that our efforts play no part in the miracle of change—they do. It’s just that they are one small part of the picture that finally results in the flowering of a plant, the shifting of a relationship, the softening of our hearts.

The same laws that govern the growth of plants oversee our own internal and external changes. We observe, consider, work, and wonder, tilling the soil of our lives, planting seeds, and tending them. Sometimes the hard part is knowing when to stop and let go, handing it over to the universe. Usually this happens by way of distraction or disruption, our attention being called away to other more pressing concerns. And it is often at these times, when we are not looking, in the silence of nature’s embrace, that the miracle of change happens.


In early recovery, I didn't notice the changes within myself. Others did, and would comment and that was the only way I knew. Over the years as I worked the Steps, I saw change but more importantly, I worked to change because I wanted to change the old patterns and behaviors. They can still creep back in today, and I have work with my HP to make more changes. This is a living program. I have found that when I go out and be a part of nature, I have more appreciation for what is. It helps me to stay grounded and awareness of the greatness of my God. He has given me many gifts and has worked many miracles in my life.

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[MajestyJo]

Have heard the words from my son, "You wouldn't understand mom." He is an adult child of an alcoholic mother. He was brought up in the home with a step-father who had a drinking problem and a grandfather who died from his disease.

How many times I thought I was different. I didn't fit in. It was like I had two heads, two left feet, and figured everyone was looking at me, and I felt like it was a confrontation and wondered if I had a 'zit' or something else wrong with me. Do I have a button undone, is my hair messy, does this blouse match this skirt, always with the self doubt.

Insecurities, feeling less than, not measuring up, figured everyone was talking about me, and not realizing that I didn't stick out except in my own mind or by my actions in which I shut down and put up barriers that wouldn't let people in.

If you really knew me, you wouldn't love me. I don't think like otherr people do. Often not realizing that it is a disease of perception, and why should my thinking align with someone who is an alcoholic/addict. Why am I trying? How can I know if my thinking is normal (cycle on a washing machine) or not if I don't communicate with others. Shutting down with fear of appearing stupid, silly idiot that my parents and my husband(s) told me I was. Why am I believing them? No matter how many times people told me I was attractive, I didn't believe. My husband ran around on me. That had to mean I was not a good wife, person, lover, mother, etc. and I was ugly and unattractive. How could you know how I felt? I am different don't you know?

Posted in 2011 on another site.

What helped me realize that it was me, not my drug of choice that was the issue, was realizing that my prescription drugs were like dried up alcohol. I had the same symptoms with them, as I did with my alcohol disease. I didn't always identify with some alcoholics, but when I thought of it, I had those feelings when I was trying to deal with my feelings with pills. I didn't have black outs with alcohol, but I did with pills.

Don't compare, identify.

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[MajestyJo]

Tonight a friend came to mind, I ignored the thought. I came on the computer, went to my mail box, something I visit about twice a month, and there was an e-mail from her dated a week ago. So I picked up the phone and we talked for an hour and 45 minutes. We are reflections of each other. We are always asking ourselves, "Is this stuff your or mine?" It is generally something we both have issues with.

Rest and be at peace. When something comes to mind, say "Thought and let it go." Release any thing that blocks you from your God, and relax and know that God is there, you are not alone. Don't rest on your laurels, this is a one day at a time program.

Stir things up, and see what come to the top. Reflect on it, is it working for you in today? Is it an old tape, or a new one that has malfunctioned?

Sometimes when we are in a space and we can't see what is going on be it our denial, being overwhelmed and not knowing where to look first, or I have so many things, I just can't see and don't know where to look. As I shared with her, "I had to pray for the willingness to be willing to be willing."

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[MajestyJo]

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You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Releasing

Let fears slip away. Release any negative, limiting, or self-defeating beliefs buried in your subconscious too. These beliefs may be about life, love, or yourself. Beliefs create reality.

Let go. From as deep within as your fears, resentments, and negative beliefs are stored, let them all go. Let the belief or feeling surface. Accept it; surrender to it. Feel the discomfort or unrest. Then let it go. Let new beliefs replace the old. Let peace and joy and love replace fear.

Give yourself and your body permission to let go of fears, resentments, and negative beliefs. Release that which is no longer useful. Trust that you are being healed and prepared for receiving what is good.

Today, God, help me become willing to let go of old beliefs and feelings that may be hurting me. Gently take them from me and replace them with new beliefs and feelings. I do deserve the best life and love has to offer. Help me believe that.


Another reminder that we need to feel the feeling in order to be able to let them go. We can be so focused on the addict that we forget ourselves.

We don't practice self-care and we are so obsessed and overwhelmed by the addict and their actions that we don't take the time to feel our feelings and recognize that often what we are feeling is their stuff and not ours to take on.

We feel their pain and we want to ease their burden but it isn't our job and it only enables them to continue using.

Lately, I have just gone with the flow, not argued, recognized what is going on and trying not to blur the boundaries.

[MajestyJo]

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Hold on, Pain Ends
As we go through life, and we learn more from our experiences, it is impossible to avoid the lessons that pain will bring. The key to overcoming the pain in your life is to realize that though pain is something that is inevitably a part of life, we have the choice of whether we are going to wallow in it and suffer, or move on from it, and do our best to let it go.

I was reminded that I still have too many conditional strings attached to people, places and things.

I got a five word message from my son and my immediate thought was "He is alive." I was thinking that I had let go, because I know that I am powerless over his choices." Yet there was that part of me that still wants to be 'in the know' when in truth, it is none of my business.

It was suggested to me to sit with my palms up and just pray and turn people, places and things over to my HP. I do this, and have done it for several years, but when it comes to my son, there just isn't that unconditional surrender that I need to get to because I realize that I don't want to let go of the connection that has always been there between us.

I am not his Higher Power. Many times I am sure he thought I was his Lower Power. :( Just for today, he is in God's care. I will try to remember to continue to put him there daily.

[MajestyJo]

http://www.spiritanimal.info/wp-content/uploads/butterfly-totem-300.jpg

Spirit Animal of the Week

The Butterfly: The Butterfly offers those who have an affinity with this spirit animal the inspiration to move through everymoment with lightness and an open mind. It encourages us to try new things and rediscover life as it was new.

Spiritual Animals and Totems

http://www.spiritanimal.info/butterfly-spirit-animal/

Every I had a change or came to a milestone in my recovery, like an anniversary or a new enlightening. When I had special events like a gay guy asking me to be his sponsor. We were at the water front, sitting at a picnic table, and a monarch butterfly lit on the table between us, paused and flew away.

When I was in the hospital because of migraines, I went out to the smoking area, I found myself saying, "God I can't continue like this, I need help." A monarch butterfly lit on the ground besides me. Landed, looked at me, took off a flew into the pattern of the sign of infinity, the number 8 resting on it's side. They changed my medication and three months later I found the willingness to quit smoking. Since then I have never had a migraine bad enough to go into a darkened room let alone the hospital. They are a sign of healing for me.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/insects-butterflies/0089.gif

I was living on the 11th floor, and sitting on my balcony with a friend and a monarch butterfly flew by. Didn't think they flew that high, but it did, and I had a major enlightening and healing. Because of the 4 rapes and abuse, it was like I was numb and frozen below the waist. After that visit by the butterfly, I gained freedom of movement, and I got my zig to go with my zag.

Have received many symbols, candle holders, candles, stain glassed decals, a butterfly made out of feathers, stickers, glasses, a bathroom set decorated with butterflies, and I am sure that there are more, but not coming to mind at the moment. I see them as gifts from God's Earthly Angels and I have been truly blessed.

Monarchs are special to me, but I feel just as blessed to see one of any colour, especially white. I look at them as a cleansing of getting rid of the old to make room for the new.

For me they are a sign of healing, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical.

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[MajestyJo]

The Energy Of An Embrace

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Hugs

The need to touch and be touched is established early in our lives, as we develop and grow in the omnipresent embrace of our mother's womb. Once we are born, separated from that sanctuary of connectivity, we begin to crave the physical embrace of our parents. As we age, we become more independent. Yet during times of triumph or trouble and during those moments when we are in need of reassurance, we can't help but long for a hug.

Because a hug requires two active participants, each individual taking part in the embrace experiences the pleasure of being embraced and the joy that comes from hugging someone. As both individuals wrap their arms around one another, their energy blends together, and they experience a tangible feeling of togetherness that lingers long after physical contact has been broken. A heart hug is when you put your left arm over someone's shoulder and your right arm around their waist. As they do the same to you, your hearts become aligned with one another other and loving, comforting energy flows between the two of you to flood your souls with feelings of love, caring, and compassion.

A hug is a pleasurable way to share your feelings with someone who is important to you. Depending on your relationship with the other person and the kind of message you wish to send to them, a hug can communicate love, friendship, romance, congratulations, support, greeting, and any other sentiment you wish to convey. A hug communicates to others that you are there for them in a positive way. In an instant, a hug can reestablish a bond between long lost friends and comfort those in pain. The next time you hug someone, focus all of your energy into the embrace. You will create a profound connection that infuses your feelings and sentiments into a single beautiful gesture.


This was posted on another site in 2007.

It was true then and true today. Hugs not Drugs.

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[MajestyJo]

"If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing in the pits?"

-- Erma Bombeck

When I saw this, I thought it read, "What am I doing with the pits?"

Both are worth thought and require action on my part. The 12 Steps are applicable to both.

Am I practicing the principles in all my affairs? Do I work the Steps into my daily life? Do I just think program in meetings and leave my program at the door when I go home, to work, or out into the community?

Do I think, oh woe is me? I am an alcoholic. I am so hard done by, forgetting that I should be grateful that I have found this new way of living. If I wasn't an alcoholic, I wouldn't have known that there was a chance at recovery.

Do I sometimes need to eat my words? Do I give others a second thought? Am I so caught up in self that I don't have time for others?

Something I posted in 2011 on another site.

When I saw it tonight, I thought sometimes I have to eat them, the difference in today is I know when to spit them out. Other times, on a good day, I remember that the pit is there and eat around it.

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[MajestyJo]

Growth

In AA I found that the focus was suppose to be taken off the self-centered "I" and put on the still suffering alcoholic, and yes, my recovery came first because without my sobriety, I had nothing, yet it was "stay sober and then do service." I had a friend who got so involved in service that she stayed sick for a long time, and she helped me to recognize it within myself, that I was again, looking outward instead of inward, using 'service' as a means of not looking at my own issues and dealing with my own recovery. Another one of those Catch 22s, I believe they call them.

The same in Al-Anon, I stayed sick for so many years, because I focused on the As in my life, not only did I play the blame game, I used them not to face myself and deal with my own issues. I didn't realize they were reflecting my own defects and shortcomings and as much as I would like to think I was so much 'better' than they were, because I no longer drank, I was still walking around in my dis-ease, because I was still wrapped up in the blanket of denial and thinking my stuff didn't stink.

For me 12 Steps are 12 Steps and it is about me and my recovery, no matter what issue I am addressing in today, be it my pain, my codependency and feeling lonely, be it my issues with my son, it all boils down to me surrendering and letting go and letting my God.

It is in the Big Book about being a selfish program and a lot of people get the message mixed up, after all it is a disease of perception. I always try to remember to ask for my own knowingness and my own truth in today and walk accordingly.

As the saying goes, the 12 Steps are a tool that fits any nut that walks through the doors of recovery. That was me, and it was desperation that kept me from 'bolting' back out the door when I got here, using was no longer an option. The Third and Fifth Traditions have kept me coming back. As I told a woman in Al-Anon many years ago, "Al-Anon is why I used in the first place." It was a lot of the old tapes, perception from childhood, and the pain I felt and didn't know how to deal with.

My sponsor use to say, "Fill yourself up and only give away the over flow. We hear things, at least I should say, "I heard things and saw them as a lot of mixed messages. I think it is important that we focus on our own healing before we try helping someone else.

Posted on another site in 2012

In today, because of my health issues I no longer take on sponsees, I will be a temporary one until they can find someone else; but I don't feel that I have the time to give them. So many of my days are turned around, and I have trouble thinking through the pain. When I get on the phone, most times I start losing my voice, when I talk. ;)

It has to begin with me, how can I focus on someone else if I am all wrapped up in myself and my issues.

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[MajestyJo]

Hebrews 4:16
Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

So many times we don't get our needs met, because we choose what we are going to accept and reject. How can my God meet my needs, if I close down because I don't like the messenger or the message I am hearing.

So often we look at the Source, forgetting that our God leads us to what we need. What is good for some, is not good for others. What is good for me one day, may not be in my best interest the next day. That is why it is one day at a time.

We have a preconceived idea of what need, what form it should be in, and where it should come from. This is a disease of perception. My best thought got me to the doors of recovery and/or to the doors of a church. Many were raised in a particular religion and feel that is what you need to go back to. It may be so, but I found it was best to go back with a changed attitude.

I was raised in the Gospel Halls, went back there, but found more Spirituality in Associated Gospel. I realized a lot of it was the people, the Gospel remains the same,in most cases, or perhaps gives up a different outlook. Personally, I went there for the music.

I find the teachings of a lot of religions not spiritual in nature. Being raised in the church didn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic, addict, codependent, etc., yet it took a spiritual outlook, to help me stop using, and gave me the freedom from active addiction.

Wherever we go,do we put conditions and boundaries on. Do we truly believe, or are we still role playing because we think it is the thing to do.

At a year sober, after using my Bible for meditation, I found out that I didn't know who God was. I went on a spiritual quest to find out who God was to me. After working the 12 Steps of AA and finding a spiritual solution, I went back to church at 5 years sober. I found I related it to what I heard in the rooms of AA and other fellowships. As my sponsor said, "Religion enhances my Spirituality. My Spirituality enhances my Religious beliefs.

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[MajestyJo]

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Realized how ingrained in fear I was, it took me too the thought of "Losing my feet" today.

The pain has been really bad, having difficulty sitting at the computer, let alone thinking of words, and if I was lucky, the thought made it to my finger tips.

I always have pain, over the years, God and I have worked on it. I am a big faith healer and know that but for the Grace of God, I would not be alive today. He has put so many good people in my path, even some not so good, who show me that I don't want to go there.

So much of my pain has been focused on my arthritis and the neuropathy in my feet, only to find out that I have breathing and throat issues. I think there might me a stomach issue too, but then I tell myself, what is one more label, we will get through this.

You will see that faith has been a big part of the readings today. I have faith, yet in today, it had to be reinforced.

It was also being aware, people have been put in my path, and yet some won't appear until August, so it is me waiting on God's Time, not looking for that quick fix. Just saying, "Go away, doesn't always cut it."

I also have to realize, that I am where I am at in today as a result of decisions made. Not just prior to recovery, but in recovery, even last night when I ate my son's brownies. I asked for them, and he ENABLED me, by giving them to me.

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[MajestyJo]

When I take that inner journey, it is important to start by being honest and open to new ways to improving my life and sense of self.

I was told to suit up and show up for the day and start by cleaning up the outside, yet true recovery and cleansing had to come from within. In order for the inner Light to shine, I had to get rid of the darkness.

My sponsor told me that if I wasn't enjoying sobriety, what was I doing wrong. I have been given a new chance at life. The worst day in recovery far exceeds the best day when I was using.


Today I choose to forgive instead of holding on to resentments. Today I choose to let go of all feelings that block me from feeling love. Today I choose to see everyone through the eyes of love.

From Time of Joy

A post I made in response to a member asking how you make people understand about addiction:

So many people are in denial because they don't want to look at themselves. Often people think, well she can't have a problem, I drink, drug, gamble once in a while myself, and if she has a problem, so do I, maybe I should quit. Heaven forbid, I'm not ready to do that, maybe if I convince her/him she is okay, and tell them they are just fine, then we will all be just.....

It is also called justification and rationalization and their feeling of insecurity and the powerlessness that their love isn't enough, that you had to find something outside of yourself. They take it as their own inadequacy and they don't realize they don't have the power to stop us, and it is only through a spiritual program, with one addict helping another, that we identify, we admit, we heal and come to an acceptance of our problems. We learn to live in the solution instead of the problem.

For me, I don't have a drinking and drugging problem, but I still have a thinking problem because of old tapes, old habits, mixed messages and beliefs that have since proven to be false, and have regained my values and my faith, in myself, in God and in others.

So many people consider themselves clean and sober because they are not using their drug of choice. So many people I have found over the years, have used food, gambling, and pot maintenance (now it has been legalized in many areas), not willing to recognize the fact that the substance is but a symptom of our disease, and the problem is me, myself and I, not willing to look at ourselves and always looking outside of ourselves for the almighty fix or that quick fix that makes it all better. The bandage that hides the wound, rather than getting to the root of the problem and allowing it to heal.

[MajestyJo]

Sorry I am a bit slow today. I was given a face mask to supply air to help me not to stop breathing when I am sleeping.

After processing how I feel, I woke with a headache. I hurt all over, and I think I expected some of my pain to be gone. I woke some what rested, and yet all I have wanted to do this morning is go back to my bed.

The machine when she put it on caused the head ache, pains in my chest, and had trouble breathing and they gave me a nasal spray. Don't want to stop breathing, but have been doing that since 2003 when I was last tested.

Trying to give it the benefit of the doubt and hopefully, it will be helpful. I am thinking I would rather wait until I see the lung specialist in August before I commit myself. He is to look at my throat and air ways as to why they are clogged up.

I would appreciate your prayers. Asking for things to be revealed so I can do what is right for me.

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[MajestyJo]

Attitude is Everything

In the back of the Big Book of AA, it says we need to go through a spiritual change of attitude, sufficient to aid recovery. Not sure it is exact, too tired to look it up.

The best way to get an attitude adjustment is to go to a meeting. My spiritual adviser said, "If your thinking is off and your is more self pity and into self, go the the closest hospital and look at the patience in Palliative Care.

What needs to change within me and what action do I need to take to change my attitude.

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[MajestyJo]

The spiritual enlightenment for me was the phrase, "If you have to control it, it is alreadyout of control!"

I had heard this phrase around the rooms for several years and it mean nothing to me. I kept coming, I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but I wanted what the people in the rooms had. I knew I didn't want to go back to where I came from, so I just kept coming.

I thought maybe if just kept coming, some of what you head would rub off onto me. So I came, and said, "Hi, my name is JoAnne, and I am an alcoholic" and was in total rebellion, with the attitude, "I'll say it if I have to, and went through the alcoholic/addict stage. Ironically, I knew I was an addict, and I think it was because I knew the meaning of the word. Or I could relate it to chips, or cookies, and the feeling of more, but couldn't identify the alcoholism. I knew I misused and abused my medication, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to know it as dried-up alcohol.

I came but I did all the wrong things, I compared instead of identifying. I don't like beer, I didn't have black outs, I didn't pass out after so many drink, I could drive the car after drinking all day and night and not get pulled over, I could walk a straight line (my son use to say he looked out the window and saw Mom bringing B**** home). I didn't go to jail, I didn't get tickets, I didn't get cut off at the bar, and the list went on, and on, and on.

After I heard the phrase above, I came to realize "Don't look at what you didn't do, but look at what you did do!"
That was a different story. I decided I would rather be an alcoholic.

It wasn't until God saw fit to give me a dream to let me see how others saw me when I was drinking. I was a first class, manipulating b**ch, who told everyone how to do it, what to do, when to do it, and was aggressive and a loud mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted for a friend. I had assumed that the reason that people had back away from us because of my ex-husband's drinking, when it truth, it was probably my conroling, manipulating and nagging ways. Now that was a spiritual awakening, and I was two years in the program. I was sober but I can honestly say I didn't have true sobriety until then. Sobriety for me means soundness of mind. You can't have sobriety and be in denial and life of secrets and control. I was continually at war with myself, and often with those around me because I didn't have my own knowingness. I only knew what was told to me, and I had to find my own path and my own truth.

My spiritual advisor said, "You will learn two thing. 1) How to work your program. 2) How not to work your program.

Keep coming, so you won't have to come back.

This may be a rerun, but I know the words, keep coming back, kept me coming so I wouldn't have to go back.

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[MajestyJo]

Tonight I was sharing with a sponsee that I have come to the reality that my son may choose to carry the message "To use is to die!"

I am powerless over his choices. All I can do is surrender him and his addiction over to my Higher Power and accept that he is acting out in his disease. I have no problem with that, because he is a perfect image of myself when I was in active addiction.

To see one is to know one, and he has admitted to me depending on the day I ask, that he is an alcoholic. He has admitted to a close friend that he is a weekend alcoholic. That is like being, a little bit pregnant.

I can identify the thought patterns, the justification, the game playing, the denial, the rationalization, and all the games I played to keep from being honest with myself.

With my son, I do have a problem with him bringing his addiction into my space. I have told him he can go out and use all he wants, as long as he doesn't bring it home to me. That includes drinking his money, and coming home to mother to be fed. I don't want to help supply his habits.

Waking up and finding him passed out on my bathroom or living room floor is not something I wish to experience in today. Trying to sit at my computer and smell alcohol or pot in my living room is not something that I want to live with today. I try to respect myself in today, and I know that I deserve better. I don't love him less, but in today, I have learned to love myself more.

Just the other day he told me to prayer quieter, guess he heard me say that a few times to my aunt and my best friend when they kept harping to me about quitting my smoking. Well I quit cigarettes for almost six years now, so there is always hope.

He is a great one for throwing my own words and actions back at me, especially the past and trying to lay on a guilt trip. Today I have freedom of choice, today I don't have to go there and take the bait. He can only do that if I allow him to. In today, he has his own disease, his own life, and he knows that there is help, but does not have the desire to quit. Even when he wants to quit, he doesn't want to go to AA.

This was posted in 2004. My son is still using, came by tonight with a whole lot of excuses and sad tales and thinks he is fooling me. I told him that he had to stop bringing his addiction into my space. I set boundaries and he is still ignoring them. At first I realized I like his help, but in today he makes more work and still the adult child who expects mom to make it all better. If I can't make it better, than it is all my fault in the first place.

Feeling sad tonight, but that is okay. It is a feeling and I no longer have to shove those feelings down, I can feel them and let them go.

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[MajestyJo]

Hi, my name is JoAnne. Please feel free to call me Jo.

I am the crazy Canadian of the family. Have been clean and sober for twelve years and have been a member of Al-Anon for the same length of time. As a friend said, "Why do you still go to Al-anon now your husband has gone?" (Divorced 22 years ago) My friend replied, "I still have to live with myself!"

I am the daughter of a man who died as a result of his disease, a mother who died at the age of 40, who qualified for OA, was married to an alcoholic and have a son who chooses to use in today. No matter what room you put me in, I qualify. I learned a long time ago that my drug of choice is more, and all substances (liquid, powder, solid or the flesh and blood variety) all leads to the same soul sickness.

This was posted on another site in 2004.

In am still clean and sober ten years later.

It is still a one day at a time program.

Then and now! ;)

[MajestyJo]

Being diabetic, I not only have to look at the sugar and the calories, I have to check the label for chemicals and additives that are not good for me, especially artificial sugar. Diabetic Clinic said it was okay to drink diet cola, and yet health clinics and personal say it is a No! No!

Healthy choices can be as simple as going to bed instead of staying up on the computer. Going for a walk, even if it is down the hall and back. Eating my meals on time, taking my medication on time (difficult with me because of my sleeping disorder) i.e. If I slept 2-4 hours in the afternoon, there is no purpose taking my night medication at 11 p.m., pick up the phone and call your sponsor and if she is not available, then call someone else. Make that personal connection.

Recovery is making healthy choices. Just for today, I choose not to use any mind altering substance to stuff or take me away from who my God would have me be in today.

I choose to laugh and enjoy recovery. I have been given a second chance at life. It is a real gift, why sit in doom and gloom, when you can choose to change you and your attitude.

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[MajestyJo]

Coming To Grips With Fear

I did not like to admit it while I was still drinking, but I can now see that fear played a big part in my alcoholism. There were times I dove into the bottle because I was afraid, and this only had the effect of creating more situations that caused more fear. We have feared being confronted by bill collectors, for example, and then got drunk and created more debt. We'd feared getting fired, and by getting drunk we made it happen.

Fear, for me, doesn't go away just because I'm not drinking now. So I thought a good topic would be "coming to grips with fear". In sobriety, how can I cope with fear in ways that make it work for me rather that against me?

When the topic of fear comes up, someone will point out that fear is necessary to help us get out of the way of an oncoming truck. But, we're talking here about the kind of fear that freezes us in our tracks when we see the truck coming.

The truck, of course, is any threat or big problem in our lives. We have all kinds of them in different forms, and if we're going to be sober and happy, we have to deal with them.

"How do you come to grips with fear?"
We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. ~Alcoholic Anonymous Pg. 25

Posted in 2009

c. It is easier to say "Let go and let God" than it is to actually do it.

One thing that helped me was not to compare the past with today. Before when I was using, I had to faith and my life was consumed by fear. They say there is no room for faith and fear in the same place and yet there are healthy fears, like picking up will kill me, so it isn't an option.

I have asked for the healing and a lot of the old fears have gone away. i.e. thunder storms, walking over grates and bridges, putting the wrong foot forward or saying the wrong thing.

What comes to mind is " Feel the fear and do it anyway." What God has brought me to, He will see me through."

Fear is a feeling like any other. It is alright to be afraid. My strength and courage today comes from my Higher Power. I just have to remember to take Him with me. Just because certain things happened in the past, doesn't mean it will repeat itself in today. Today is a different case scenario if I stay sober, spiritual connected, and live in the moment and not project my fears into the future, onto others, or use them to beat myself up.

Love the acronyms. Face everything and recovery. Fear everything and run. False evidence appearing real.

We are never alone.

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[MajestyJo]

Easy Does It

Not what we would, but what we must, makes up the sum of living. - Richard Henry Stoddard

"We must do the things we must" is frequent advice in the Program. Each Step is evidence of what our founders did in order to achieve abstinence and keep it going with serenity and security. All of the "musts" implied in the Steps and frequently mentioned throughout the Big Book are also spiritual. We will find the importance of "must" in the favorite quotes from that book.

The Steps aren't based on the theory of "thou shalt not." They are based on the theory that "thou shall." That's why we say "there are no musts" in our Program.

Fortunately, those Twelve Steps we work require positive action. They tell us what we can do in order that each of us can live a joyous, happy, and free existence.

"Must" appears many times in the Big Book, along with a few "absolutes. " This doesn't refer to my requirements for working the Program. It just lets me concentrate on what I can do, not on what I can't.

-------------------------------------------------------

This reminds me of a friend who use to say to me, "The program is suggested." My response was, "They may be suggestions, but there are some darn well betters, or you will go back to where you came from."

1) Go to Meetings
2) Call your sponsor
3) Read the literature
4) Find a Higher Power
5) Work the Steps
6) Learn what the Traditions mean and apply them to your life.
7) Find a Group
8) Get active and do service in your Group
9) Share at meetings and greet newcomers.
10) Finish working the Steps
11) Build a relationship with your Higher Power
12) Build a relationship with Yourself.

If you have one hand in the hand of a newcomer and the other hand in the hand of your Higher Power, you won't have any hands left to pick up.

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[MajestyJo]

ACCEPTING

Samuel Thadeus Short

“God speaks to all individuals through what happens to them moment by moment.” — J. P. DECAUSSADE

What if we were to open ourselves peacefully and trustingly to accepting good rather than pugnaciously trying to coerce life into responding to us? What if we came to life with our palms out and raised upward rather than greeting it with a double fist? We would develop a consciousness of acceptance of good which is immense and would unfold into every area of our existence.

Such a consciousness of this sort invites the natural wholeness of God to enrich us at every turn. We discover that the atom of God is always flowing through our thoughts and through our deeds.

We can come to know and trust this action to support our good at all times. As we accept only good for ourselves we do the same for all other life forms as well. The perfect manifestation of God comes through us.

The Antesian Road To Enlightenment
antesianroadtoenlightenment-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

EXPANDING CONSCIOUSNESS


When I read this, one thought came to mind. When I get out of the way, God works through me. When I am willing to be a channel of His Blessing, I live my life in today, that when I surrender that direction is there and it is my acceptance and acknowledgement of that good orderly direction, which determines how smoothly my day goes, how well equipped I am to hand today on life's terms, and accepting that God knows what is good for me, more so than my own narrow minded concepts and outlook at myself and others.

So many times I have been grateful that God doesn't think like I do, but I am sure He has thought that He is very grateful His thinking isn't based on my thoughts.

Today He is companion and friend. I have been known to question His actions, yet I have found that He has much more acceptance of me than I have had of Him over the years.

Written in 2011

Every day is about acceptance. I don't have to like it, but I need to find that acceptance if I want to heal and grow.

Lack of acceptance as always caused me pain, depending on how long I fight it. I have to accept my pain, accept the source (lack of acceptance), and accept that I have pray for the willingness to be willing to accept.

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[MajestyJo]

The face in the mirror

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"Our inability to see beauty doesn’t suggest in the slightest that beauty is not there. Rather, it suggests that we are not looking carefully enough or with broad enough perspective to see the beauty."

-- Rabbi Harold Kushner

Who are you? You can gaze at your reflection in a mirror but you’re not likely to see your true likeness. You are beautiful, unique, perfect. Do you see that?

The world needs you to see how whole and complete you are -- now. Can you begin to own your divinity? The world needs you to know who you really are so you can be the mirror for others.

"The sun shines not on us but in us. The rivers flow not past, but through us, thrilling, tingling, vibrating every fibre and cell of the substance of our bodies, making them glide and sing."

-- John Muir

Used with permission from Higher Awareness

Give yourself permission to see the goodness in you. I can still have problems with this. I think I have a preconceived idea of how I should look. Perhaps it is a illusion, and perhaps something I aspire to and yet haven't reached my goal. Be it my weight, my personality, my communication skills, and my all round physical appearance.

I have always had a problem with swollen ankles. When my ankles are swollen, I think fat and ugly. It has an origin that goes back about 40 years.

Sometimes I can see that face and I am happy with her. Most days I feel complete and whole, prior to this last bout of swelling and medication and difference of opinion with my doctor. He keeps saying it is a good pill. I think it is a bad pill because it does more than work on the physical it tears down my mental and emotional well being.

This was something I posted in 2010. It maybe posted somewhere else on the board.

I still have to remember to look in the mirror and make things right with me and my God. I watched Sharon Stone share on OWN tonight. She carried a great message. Being yourself is enough.

[MajestyJo]

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IF YOU CAN'T GO TO A BEAUTIFUL PLACE, PICTURE IT IN YOUR HEAD. GO TO A PLACE YOU HAVE BEEN OR A PLACE YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO BACK TO.

It is so important to feel safe. A place we can go to, be it in body, mind, and/or spirit.

For me, my favourite was a beaver pond (pure Canadian), surrounded by tall green, green grass, birch trees and a meadow filled with a bouquet of wild flowers. Some may call them weeds and look down on them, but they are a part of the Creator's creations.

We all get what we need, as the saying goes, "Just enough light to show us how to work the Step we are on."

It is a fearless inventory. Find faith in your God, His Creation, and blessing bestowed on us, when we walk with HIm.

The God of my understanding, was always there, I just had a misunderstanding. I had listen to old tapes, listed to people who I thought was in the know, after all who was I to know, especially when everyone called me stupid, dumb, and not worthy of expressing my thoughts.

My safe place in today is with my God. I can make new places, but where ever I am at in the moment will do.

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IF YOU CAN'T FIND IT IN ONE PLACE GO TO ANOTHER!

[tara2recover]

Thanks

[MajestyJo]

This may be a duplicate and posted elsewhere.

How do you get started quitting your drug of choice.

We do this one day at a time. Asking for help is the 1st Step.
I was living at the YWCA and talked to my social worker there and through her counselling got into a treatment center. I detox by myself in my room at the Y, I didn't know that there was such a thing as a detox center and that I didn't have to do it alone. It was those five days of hell that I remember when I think of picking up. I never wanted to go through them again. When I got into treatment, I found 12 Step programs and have been going to them since then. That was in August 1991 and I haven't found it necessary to pick up since, yet it is a one day at a time, things like my computer, food, and other things will sneak into my life and I had to recognize them for what they were.. I had tried my way for eight years before that, I could stop, but couldn't stay stopped.

Just keep coming, reading the posts here. There is a lot of good material posted here. If you feel like sharing, press reply and share your thoughts and questions to that post. If you don't find anything to answer your questions, click on NEW THREAD and a new window will open up and you can share your thoughts there. Each has a separate section, but it doesn't matter where it is, it is more important that you share what is important for your recovery.

I am an addict, an alcoholic, an adult child of an alcoholic, and my drug of choice was always 'more' and it doesn't matter where I post I qualify. I have an eating disorder, my son is a self-admitted addict, and I have been known to get carried away with Nevada Tickets.

For many years, I blamed my husband and my father for my drinking. My husband I kicked out and my father passed away as a result of his disease, and I was alone and I was still drinking and taking prescription medication (dried up alcohol). When I hit my bottom, I was alone. No one was around for me to blame and I had to look at myself. I use to say, "If you can't beat 'em join 'em." It got so bad I had to be drunk to be around my husband. I couldn't accept life, and drinking was my coping tool. It stopped working for me and what had been my friend became my enemy. My disease increased, I kept having to have more and my pill addiction increased. I finally got to a stage where I was sick and tired of being tired and sick. I surrendered and reach out and asked for help. I was 49. Hopefully you won't have to continue drinking as long as I did. For me to drink is to die, I chose to live.

One of the reasons I got involved in service was to give back what was given to me. They said "If I didn't give my recovery away, I wouldn't keep it." This is a selfish program and your recovery comes first. I think it is about balance. It is important to have a life outside of the rooms. That is one of the reasons for recovery, to get a life and start living it and being a part of the word around us.

You can not help those who are willing to work a program. I have let go of several sponsee by saying, "If you aren't willing to work an AA program, I can't be an AA sponsor." I couldn't do it for them, all I could do was carry the message, and what they did with it was none of my business. In Al-Anon, they call it detachment. We don't give advice, tell them what to do, just share our experience, strength and hope.

A lot of the whiners made me grateful that wasn't were I was at. If you aren't enjoying recovery, what are you doing wrong? Have you done the Steps? Do you have a sponsor?

I found that my way wasn't always the right way for someone else, it was about what was good for me and my recovery. I took a little from one, none from another, and a lot from others. I was very involved for the first ten years of my life and then due to health issues, I couldn't go out there and do and the internet has been a way for me to do service in today.

Posted in part in 2006

[MajestyJo]

LIFE IS FOR LIVING ON LIFE'S TERMS. LIFE DOESN'T GET BETTER, I DO!

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FIND LOVE IN UNEXPECTED SOURCES!

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HOPE THERE AREN'T TOO MANY HARD KNOCKS!

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REWARD YOURSELF! MAKE HEALTHY CHOICES!

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HOPE IT IS A HOOT!

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ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED!

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DON'T BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW! THIS IS A ONE DAY AT A TIME PROGRAM.

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LOVE THE SKIN YOUR IN!

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MAY YOU BE ABLE TO HANDLE EVERYTHING THAT IS DISHED UP TO YOU!

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BEFORE YOU KNOW IT -- TIME WILL BE GONE AND YOU WON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT!

[MajestyJo]

What can I 'do' differently today in order to 'feel' better?

"If you do what you always did-you'll get what you always got"

"Nothing changes, if nothing changes"


My first thought was "Get back to basics." Call my sponsor, go to a meeting, read my literature, apply the slogans, take time for meditation, pray and take the time to listen for the answers.

If I am having a bad day it is generally because I have slacked off on one or all of the above.

One of the things I did today was stay off the computer for a few hours.

What helps me is to get out of the house and go for a walk. It is important that I get exercise and not isolate in my apartment.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I had to look at my eating habits. They had improved because I had made an attempt at eating healthy. Fresh food and not eating out of a box or a can. Very little frozen food unless my energies were low and I was unable to cook.

One of the healthy things I started doing was to eat breakfast. Then I was told at the clinic to eat smaller meals and eat more often.

I started reading labels and looking for the hidden sugars, colouring, fats and chemicals.

As my chiropractor says, "A healthy mind makes for a healthy body." He has said, "I have never met anyone who is as tune with their body as you are."

Finding acceptance, is the key to my recovery today. When I sit and do a lot of wishful thinking, should have and could haves, I stay in the problem and stay stuck. Life is full of challenges, they are something I can overcome. Problems I can stay stuck in and when I don't find that acceptance, I have problems moving out of the situation.

Just came to see what I had posted and found a grammar error. I had written there for their. The Ms. Perfect in me was horrified. I am so glad we can modify our posts and change them. There has always been a part of me that 'needed' things to be just so! It was something I had to learn to accept and yet I think it is important, for me, what I say reflects on me. I wouldn't want people to think I didn't care and that is how I perceive changing what it says in the Big Book a couple of pages after the paragraph on acceptance.

People were judging me by my actions and I was judging me by my intentions.

Written in 2010

What I need to do in today is to remember that I know and tap into the sources and apply them to my life.

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[MajestyJo]

Fact

from: "A Vision for You"

"Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us."


© 2001, Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164

Over the years I have found that there are some darn well betters. If you don't follow the suggestion, you just mind find yourself back in active addiction and you are questioning why?

The suggestions are go to meetings, and when you are tired of going to meetings, go to more meetings. It is suggested that you do 90 and 90, but I have heard several people say,"I can't get by without 3 meetings a week. I was one of the sick ones, when I got to 90 and 90, I continued going because I was so empty, I needed filling up.

It is suggested that you get a sponsor. Even if you get a temporay sponsor until you find someone you can identify with and feel comfortable sharing with. It is suggested that you get a sponsor who is the same sex as you, because you don't want a bunch of sponsettes running around. If you are gay, it is suggested that you get someone who is opposite your sexual preference.

It is nice when you grow together, but there were times when I out grew my sponsor, they were happy with where they where,and I either needed more or I had to move into an opposite direction, and we could no longer identify and have the same bond.

It is suggested that you get a home group. A place you feel safe and comfortable sharing with the people in the room. You may not identify with all, but we are all on the same path, the road to recovery.

It is suggested that you work the Steps. When you get to Step 12, start again at Step 1, because if you didn't jump over any, you will have grown and will have new awareness and able to be more honest when you go over the Steps. You work the Steps long enough that you can live them.

It is suggested you get active in service. This really helped my self-esteem. Others went before me and showed me the way. Others before them showed them the way so they could pass recovery on to me. It only seemed right that I do service and pay forward what was given to me.

They say if you don't have it, you will lose it. That is my sobriety they are talking about. My disease is mental, emotional, spiritual, as well as physical and I have to work the Steps on all levels.

Sobriety I was told by my sponsor, means "Soundness of Mind." That is something I have to work on daily.


THE TWELVE STEPS OF EMOTIONS ANONYMOUS


1. We admitted we were powerless over our emotions-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision o turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The Twelve Promises of Emotions Anonymous


1. We realize a new freedom and happiness.
2. We do not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it.
3. We comprehend the word Serenity, and we know peace of mind.
4. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we see how our experience can benefit others.
5. The feelings of uselessness and self-pity lessen.
6. We have less concern about self and gain interest in others.
7. Self-seeking slips away.
8. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life changes.
9. Our relationships with other people improve.
10. We intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
11. We acquire feeling of security within ourselves.
12. We realize that God is doing for us what we could not do ourselves.

These may seem like extravagant promises, but we think not. They are being fulfilled among us, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

[MajestyJo]

Down with the letter "I"
I say,
Up with the letter "U",
Down with the phrase
"Let's not bother",
And up with the phrase
"Let's do!"

- Anne Kreer

Hope everyone has a good day! God Bless!

http://www.angelwinks.net/images/angel126.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Some days you just have to laugh or you just might finding yourself crying, because something has become the last straw, that broke the camels back; or it is the last block that makes the pile of 'stuff' come crashing down.

I was upset at myself for not turning on the alarm after I set it. I was not happy about missing Jeopardy because it is the first day of the Championship Tournament, hoping I won't miss the one tomorrow, which is the final.

I went to turn on some music and my TV just shut down, with a flash of light. I turned it back on and the music channels and sport channels were not available. More sob, sob, pity, pity, pity me. ;) My first thought was "I will miss the 1:30 a.m. tennis." I forgot about it and in the silence, I have been doing some posting, but made a lot of errors, typing, spelling, and thinking. I turned the TV on at 1:45 a.m. and tennis was on and our Canadian player Raonic is playing and winning at the moment. Something to soothe the savage beast, and make me feel all better.

That is discounting the prayer and meditation I did before I started posting, something I always do, and when I got honest, "I wasn't giving God the credit." Why should I not believe it was of God's making. 1) My TV isn't broken. 2) I didn't miss my tennis and next week, they will show part of the dancing I missed this week, and 3) Things came together in spite of me.

To Him I give the thanks and the glory. Life just is, it is how I handle it. I am grateful that when I forget to pray and ask for help, that I am reminded that I haven't connected to my Higher Power, because everything starts to go wrong.

When I got home, I didn't allow time to process my treatment at the Holistic Center. It was working on my body, but I forgot to do more than give a quick thanks, almost like an after thought, until I realized how well the treatment was and how good I felt when I woke up. Again, it isn't about Tony or myself, It is about God working through us, using each of us as a channel, helping each other. I like to say, "It is a prayer, a connection between my God and Yours, as to how much you receive and willing to accept." If you shut down you will not receive, especially if you don't believe in the Source, you will not received the help you need.

Hawk:

There are many different varieties of hawks. Common traits they share are a keen eyesight, superb hunting ability, and impressive flight patterns. As a totem the hawk is representative of soaring to higher states of awareness and vision. You can expect communications with spirit to open up more fully whenever hawk visits.

http://healing.about.com/od/animaltotems/ig/Animal-Totems-Photo-Gallery/Hawk.htm

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-bears-sitting/0044.gif

[MajestyJo]

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-animals/0414.gif

Relax and have fun. Life is for living. We have been given a second chance at life, why not enjoy it. Show some gratitude. Gratitude is an action word. Be there for others, as others were there for you.

If you are not enjoying sobriety, what are you doing wrong?

[MajestyJo]

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-dogs/0077.gif

THE CLIMB MAY BE DIFFICULT AT TIMES; BUT IT IS WORTH THE EFFORT. THE LESSON IS THERE IF WE LOOK FOR IT.

EACH DAY IS MADE UP OF CHOICES. HOPE YOURS ARE HEALTHY ONES.

WE ARE NOT ALONE, LET THE GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SPIRIT FOUND IN THE ROOMS OF RECOVERY, GUIDE YOU ON THE ROAD OF RECOVERY.

[MajestyJo]

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-mice/0242.gif

PULLING THINGS THE WAY WE WANT THEM TO GO DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK!

NO MATTER HOW LIFE LOOKS BACK AT YOU, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE OVER-WHELMING. REMEMBER THAT IN TODAY YOU ARE WALKING IN GOD'S CARE, IF YOU INVITE THE GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING INTO YOUR DAY TO WALK WITH YOU.

[MajestyJo]

Do you want to be really happy? You can begin by being appreciative of who you are and what you've got. Do you want to be miserable? You can begin by being disconnected. As Lao~tse wrote: "A tree as big around as you can reach starts with a small seed; a thousand~mile journey starts with one step."

Wisdom, Happiness and Courage are not waiting somewhere out beyond sight at the end of a straight line; they're part of a continuous cycle that begins right here.

More wisdom from Benjamin Hoff's odd book, The Tao of Pooh.

- The Yearbook of Love and Wisdom by Celia Haddon

Something I posted on another site in 2009

Ironically, got a call from my friend S. and this is one of the topics we discussed, having acceptance of yourself and affirming yourself that you are loved and lovable. No matter whether you are having a bad hair day, put on a few pounds, suffering from bloating and swelling, and any other ailment we may have.

Don't let things take you away from who you are. Words can be hurtful, especially when said by you and directed at you.

Told her about going to a meeting last Friday and planning to go to another one tomorrow. She says, "I go to take my drugs and I think of you, and take them any way."

I told her about meeting my friend yesterday and him asking my age and telling me, "You are still looking good!" That was what started our conversation on self acceptance and if we are comfortable with who we are, or do we still have to put on the mask and dress the part you want to portray, hiding the real you from others. Don't do it too much any more, what you see is what you get.

http://www.angeleyes1.com/platinum6/pictures/images/humor.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Was wondering if everyone else had a raise in their pain levels. I think it is the grieving that I am doing with the move of my son and the talk now of going to B. C.

Grief naturally brings depression and sadness. Emotions so often make themselves known physically. Mine are screaming and shouting and saying, "Hey you, do something!"

Part of that is sharing the emotions and bringing them to the surface. It has been difficult emotionally, also physically because he was doing the heavy cleaning and running my errands for me.

I filled out an application almost a month ago to Helping Hands but haven't heard back from them.

My doctor has put me on new medication for the neuropathy in my feet. I walked downtown this morning about 9:30 a.m. and walked two thirds of the mall, headed back, and then had to return to my bank to get a money order for my son's birthday. I had spent all my money that I had taken out and used the debit twice and had to get more money. Heading back to the exit for my bus, I spent more of that. Spending money is also a good way of softening those feelings. It sounds like a good thing, but it too can become an addiction. If I had the money, I am sure I would be a shopping addict. I didn't think I liked shopping, then I realized, I didn't like shopping without money.

I came home with all my 'stuff' put it into my refrigerator and added my books to the pile I already had, took the medication for the neuropathy (Gabapentin 100 mg.) and set out again to go to Food Basics.

When I was going to the bus to go to the store, my feet hurt so bad and they felt like they were bleeding. I even took off my orthonic sandles to see if there was blood on them. There is so much nerve damage done to my feet. Probably goes back to when I jumped off the grainery which was a small housing unit for the grain on the second floor of our barn amongst the hay. I jumped off the roof onto the barn floor. I felt paralyzed, couldn't move. Didn't feel pain, just couldn't move for what seemed minutes but was probably seconds. I go tup and was fine and
never mentioned it to my mother. In later years wondered why I had weak
ankles and feet that were so sore.

When I get honest, it was to take myself out to lunch and trying to decide between greasy friend fish and chips or Kentucky Fried chicken and chips. Ichose the chicken because of the coleslaw which if they had a label on it, it would have way too much sugar. Lunch was about 3 p.m. and then I went to the health food store for my oil of oregano and my Bio K1 plus (stomach medicine) which I got in mango instead of strawberry this time. then I went into the grocery story to get what I didn't need because my freezer and fridge was already full.

Didn't get home until 4:30 p.m. and have been on my computer for most of the night. Have taken a few breaks here and there to watch TV, have my dessert a bowl of fresh Ontario strawberries, a sliced banana and a little butterscotch ice cream. Vanilla is a very big trigger for me. I don't want to drink but it brings back memories to me that I prefer to leave in the past so I try not to go there.

A long and a busy day and I thank you for letting me share.

Posted in 2011

This could be a repeat, but my son is talking about going to B.C. again.

[MajestyJo]

Just when I think I have gone through the last of my gieving with my son, he does something and it seems to start a new level. Going to have to talk to my sponsor about this. Should grief be an ongoing thing? At first, when he left Hamilton to go to Guelph. Then he went to Hamilton. Then he was on the streets homeless, then he got a place and a job, then he lost the job. The he got a job and quit it to come home. Now he has a job and has it for 3 weeks and gets into the crack. His words "I was lucky it was only a little bit, your son's pretty messed up mom." Needless to say, it makes me sad.

I am not on the medication mentioned here. The neurologist wanted to put me on it when I went to see him and I said "No!" I do have to go grocery shopping when he gets home if it doesn't rain too much. I just know I am tired. Which is not a good sign.

More of my post from that time. It is mostly beer and weed and when they stop working it is crack. There is no desire that I can see to stop using.

He want to go out west but no money to go because he is using it to buy drugs.

Acceptance is the key. I can't work through the grief until I reach it. Just because you find it once, doesn't mean you don't have to go back and find it again, about the same issue. This is a one day at a time, my disease progresses one day at a time too, just waiting for me to lose my acceptance.

http://i1068.photobucket.com/albums/u457/searchq7/youareamiracle.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Styles of Distorted Thinking
Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.

Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.

Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.

Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you.

Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?

Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.

Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you.

Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you.

Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal.

Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself.

Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring.

Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them.

Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse."

Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct.

Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.

by Adult Children Anonymous

Have had similiar thoughts about my fibromyalgia. People who don't have it just don't understand how it affects you. I look perfectly healthy and look like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. How can you explain to someone, that you just don't have the energy to sit up in a chair and that you have to go and lie down.

My doctor told me to throw away my high heels and to quit driving ten years ago. It took a long time to find acceptance. Any time something like this happens, it is a great grieving process for me until I can find the acceptance. I too had to detach from family and friends.

I still find myself trying to justify my existance and looking for approval because I often feel less than as a result of my dis-ease. It is not as bad as it was, but God and I are still working on it.



"Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are. Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.

Excerpts Language of Letting Go, February 18."

Posted in 2009.

This is a one day at a time program. It is about my connection to my God, working my program, and how willing I am to practice it in all areas of my life. It just isn't about drinking and drugging, it is about my thinking that can take me out of myself, instead of going within, to connect with the Spirit within.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-elephants/0247.gif

[MajestyJo]

Spiritual Service

When we believe in something and we do it out of love, and we bring our whole selves to it.

When we support a cause or event for the honour and the glory, we bring an empty shell, because our motive and intent behind the action isn't good.

Today I share because I care. I don't share because I am people pleasing and looking for credit, I am hoping that we can build unity and a family together and work as one, no matter what Twelve Step fellowship we belong to. They all originated with Bill and Dr. Bob. The news was spread to their wives and to others, and to many people around the world.

I think they would be very overwhelmed by the growth that has happened as a result of some divinely inspired words written seventy years ago, which has allowed so many people to grow mentally, emotional, spiritual and physically, into new people and given the chance for a new way of life.

Their spirit lives on, and as they said, AA will die from within not from without. The without is growing, but I am seeing sad things in recovery today. I see a lot of people not bringing themselves to the original cause of AA, to carrying the message, but to get what they need out of it and not willing to think of those who come behind them.

Someone took time for me, I hope I never get to a stage in my recovery where I think that my debt has been paid in full. Personally, I know that I will never live that long. The gifts alone which I have received, let alone the chance at a new way of life is beyond price.

My favourite service position has always been being greeter, putting out my hand and saying, "Hi, my name is JoAnne...." My sponsor told me, "Remember you are only half a hand shake."

Something I wrote on another site 10 years ago.

http://angelwinks.net/images/kidpod/kidpod1193.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Was thinking tonight how often we take things at face value, or we say, "that is the other fellowship," or "I didn't do that" or "I'm not as bad as they are."

We tend to forget that we have a disease. It isn't the substance, the problem is me, myself and I. It isn't about the other person. It isn't about what they did, it is about taking responsibility for ourselves and our own decisions.

It is about the decisions we made to get us to where we are in today. I made the decision to stay in a seven year abusive marriage. I made the decision to take my husband back when I found he had been with other women. I made the decision to go back to my job even though my employer bounced my pay check 3 times.

I couldn't be an alcoholic because I didn't like beer. I didn't drink red wine because it gave me a head ache, I only drank white. I think I thought it made me a lady, even though I was raised as one and spent most of my life trying to prove I wasn't one, and resented the lady when she came out.

I wouldn't look at something, for example eating disorder (I am not an anorexic or bulimic), but the reality is, I do have an eating disorder, it is about the way I think about food. I am a codependent and an adult children of an alcoholic. I am an adult child of an addict. I am an alcoholic and I was addicted to prescription drugs, but I have 3-333 reasons to go to Al-Anon since I have come online.

I had to pray and ask my God to help me with my addiction to my computer, to building my web sites, to my addiction to playing Bejewelled, Bejewelled2, and Bejewelled3.

In order to find sobriety, I had to stay clean. For me, that meant quitting smoking, because I wanted to be a clean clear channel to carry the message of recovery. It took me 7 years in recovery to reach this decision. I did not want to quit and had to pray for the willingness to be willing to quit and went to NA meetings while I was quitting and picked up key tags. I quit the spiritual way, and instead of gaining 20-30 lbs., I lost 3 lbs.

Instead of skimming the surface, like here at the site. I forget to click on the heading to see what is posted, instead of just looking the last post made. There is so much unseen under the surface. Every once in a while, I go back to old posts and I am blessed. It is always good to remember that the message of recovery never grows old, it was good 70 years ago, and still works today.

The program works if you work for it. Don't take what you want and leave the rest. Embrace it all, and even if you don't feel you need it all, you may find someone who does, and you can pay it forward.

Don't use no matter what. With one hand in the hand of a newcomer and the other hand in the hand of your Higher Power, you don't have any hands left to pick up.

May you choose to STAY, do not play Russian Roulette with your life.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/insects-butterflies/0161.gif

[MajestyJo]

Found this on another site, it could aready posted on another site or even on this post, but in too much pain and too tired to go looking. Just know it spoke to me when I read it.


You are reading from the book Food for Thought
Sharing

In our fellowship, we share our troubles and we share our joys - our faults as well as our assets. We will be accepted and understood, because we are with people who are like us. We may seem very different on the surface, but underneath we are all amazingly alike.

Someone has said, "I can only know that much of myself which I have had the courage to confide to you." As we reveal ourselves to others, they act as mirrors so that we may see and understand who we are.

All of us have hidden fears and buried guilts. Before we joined OA, we had no place to go with these negative emotions, and so we turned to unnecessary food. Instead of rationally facing our worries and our hurts, we ate. Even when we were happy, we found it easier to eat than to express our joy to someone else.

Sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with other people shows us who we are and helps us to accept ourselves. Those with whom we share also benefit.

Grant me courage and trust so that I may share.

Really like this, and it made me think, it doesn't matter what we use in our life, food, alcohol, drugs, men, work, friends, etc. it is all rooted from the same source, ME!

Really hurting tonight, but know I would be more stressed if I didn't finish the postings for the day.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-elephants-3/miniatures/0007.gif

[MajestyJo]

Sep 21, 2014
WOMEN'S WISDOM
Wake up all the desire and pleasure that your body is capable of experiencing, let your past go, and follow your bliss just for the health of it.

Think of your social network as your immune system safety net. At some level, every human illness is connected with a lack of social support. Look at your life and ask yourself how many different types of people are in your safety net. Remember, no man or woman is an island. We are a herd species.

Dr. Christiane Northrup


Haven't had a lot of social networking lately, and it has been showing itself up in my life. I notice that I am not seeing so many people when I go down to the mall and my pain has increased, even though my doctor has brought in specialist, one who added another pill to the package and my doctor has not been open to dropping one I haven't wanted to take. Time to look at my life and do an inventory.

Time for prayer and meditation and some down time with my God. Have known for some time that I need another sponsor, I do have a spiritual adviser, and I have called my old sponsor, but she hasn't been well. I need someone who is new to me. Hopefully, when all is said and done, we can get me more mobile.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-planets/0198.gif

[MajestyJo]

The Al-Anon program will work for anyone who approaches it with an open mind. We cannot expect miracles overnight; it took years to create the situation in which we find ourselves today.

I will keep myself receptive and listen. I will not be quick to judge and say: "Yes, but my case is so different." The details may differ, but basically my story is the same as that of all those who live with the problem of alcoholism.

I must cling to this one thought: Al-Anon can change my life-if I give it a chance.

Today's Reminder
If I take to myself each day even one small new idea, heard at a meeting or read in Al-Anon literature, I will make progress. Things may not work out as I want them to, but as my point of view changes, what I thought I wanted changes, too. My ultimate contentment does not depend on having things work out my way.

"We may think we can change the things around us according to our desires, but when a solution does come, we find it was our desires that had changed."

One Day At A Time

This reminds me that I didn't get this way overnight and that recovery is not a quick fix, it is an ongoing process.

The person that came into recovery is no more, the person who was, before recovery is no more, the person who is today, hopefully will progress to someone who is no more and goes on to be a new 'light' being, a Child of God, walking in His Light.

This was posted in 2005, and here it is 9 years later. and God and I are still keeping company. The thought of parting ways with Him is scary, it is Him who has brought me along this recovery road for the last 23 years. Many change, and many changes that were change, were changed again. Things that were good, no longer served me in today. Each day praying for guidance, direction, clarity, knowing, my truth, as my good would have me see it, awareness, acceptance, patience, etc. the list at times seems endless.

Steps 10, 11, and 12 are the maintenance Steps of our Sobriety.

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[MajestyJo]

Saw the post about my son going to Vancouver, now I am grieving he is still here!


Love is a force. It is not a result; it is a cause. It is not a product; it produces. It is a power, like money, or steam or electricity. It is valueless unless you can give something else by means of it.

—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-elephants-love/0012.gif

My thought since I got up today was "Connect with someone."

When I read Just For Today this morning, it talked about isolation and I realize that the only person who I talked with for three days was my sponsor last night.

The 17th of August: http://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4366

The last line of this quote gave me pause for thought. Not sure I understand the whole concept of what they meant yet because I haven't been awake long.

Yet it talks about giving, exchange of energy between one person and another. Giving from a place of love is a thing of power. It is a force being exchanged with others that we all may grow in body, mind and spirit. When we isolate, we are cut off from the spirit of love and isolate our soul.

Written in 2010, 4 days before my 19 year anniversary.

[MajestyJo]

Saw the post about my son going to Vancouver, now I am grieving he is still here!


Love is a force. It is not a result; it is a cause. It is not a product; it produces. It is a power, like money, or steam or electricity. It is valueless unless you can give something else by means of it.

—Anne Morrow Lindbergh

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-elephants-love/0012.gif

My thought since I got up today was "Connect with someone."

When I read Just For Today this morning, it talked about isolation and I realize that the only person who I talked with for three days was my sponsor last night.

The last line of this quote gave me pause for thought. Not sure I understand the whole concept of what they meant yet because I haven't been awake long.

Yet it talks about giving, exchange of energy between one person and another. Giving from a place of love is a thing of power. It is a force being exchanged with others that we all may grow in body, mind and spirit. When we isolate, we are cut off from the spirit of love and isolate our soul.

Written in 2010, 4 days before my 19 year anniversary.

The 17th of August: http://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4366

[MajestyJo]

Posting tonight, because I am not sure I am thinking. I don't know if you are noticing a difference in my shares, but I am having troubles with lack of concentration, headaches, high blood pressures, and today, I have pressure points in my head, along my jaw which makes me think TMJ and along my sinuses. It is really strange.

Each time I sit down at my computer I pray for the words needed and the clarity of mind to do what I need each time I post.

Hopefully, what is coming across is the message of recovery. My experience, strength, and hope living clean and sober without the use of mind altering substances, one day at a time.

There are many things going on in my life, and I am feeling very overwhelmed with not much space to live in like I am living in a very small space.

I posting this a long time ago in 2010 and it seems to be appropriate in today:


I am finding that 'mother' wants to be in the know. It is none of my business. He needs to run his own life and his own recovery or lack thereof, which is his choice.

I need to let go of the worry of not sleeping when i am suppose to and sleeping when I should be awake. I think my body has been at battle with itself and doesn't know what to do, so it doesn't do anything. Often when you try, or try too hard, it doesn't happen. Again it is let go, just be in the moment and let go and let God.

I am glad none of you were here to hear the internal dialogue that went on this morning. I hopped from my chair and my book to my computer either posting or playing Bejewelled2 but not going into my bed. Because there was no 'yawn' apparent, I was not tired. No thought of the body being tired, let alone the mind and just going to bed to rest to see if perhaps you do fall asleep. I am my worst task master.

You will note that I didn't mention anything about doing housework as a filler and a task that I could do to make me tired enough to sleep.

When life appears, I must always remember to let go and turn things over to my Higher Power, the God of my understanding. It is in the surrendering that I win. I can not let go if I don't first take my hands off of it.

So glad it is one day at a time, progress not perfection.

It may have been four years ago, but the dialogue is the same along with issues about housing and my health.

Thanks for letting me share.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/birds/0179.gif

[MajestyJo]

Sometimes, life just happens.

I just got a call from my sister to inform me that my youngest niece just got married. I knew that she was planning to get married and that she had her house up for sale and that her and her boyfriend had bought a house together and were waiting for the closure.

I vaguely remember her saying she was going to elope, but not sure exactly what was said, but didn't expect the result. My sister said her daughter came by her place on Thursday afternoon about 1 p.m. and asked her if she was free at 11 a.m. on Friday and did she want to attend her wedding. Done deal!

I thought, gee there would have thought, how come I wasn't invited? I am her aunt! Humph! The reality was that I hadn't been around for most of her life.

I really like the concept, instead of putting yourself into debt at the beginning of a marriage. It is hard enough that they have a new house to decorate, and a new life together, both have excellent jobs, and they will have a firm foundation on which to build there relationship on.

We so often think we have to have more to impress. That is why we have the slogan, "Keep it Simple.

Don't complicate things, don't do to please others, you can't please everyone, how about pleasing yourself.

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[MajestyJo]

Too sore and tired to check to see if this has already been shared, so going to share it any way. Originally posted on Recovery Inn


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You have heard me say many times about the twelve-step programs and dealing with addiction. Some people think that they don't have an addiction to a substance. Does it matter? Do I still need to complete a 12-step program?

The 12 Steps are a way of life. They were a healing process that help me to deal with all areas of my life. The drug is but a symptom of my disease. The problem was always me and my perception and my feelings about life.

Even if you have never used street or prescriptions drugs (my doctor was my dealer for year), or never drank alcohol or only had a few glasses of wine. Did you ever think of stopping those glasses of wine, and when you made the decision to quit, you couldn't or you got angry and resentful, telling yourself why should I? A friend of mine only smoked 3 cigarettes a day. To me that was nothing, when I was using, I smoked close to 3 packs a day. Yet she won't give up those 3 cigarettes, and the same happened with me, be it 3 or 3 packs, you are not willing to let go.

I had no desire to quit. I had to pray for the willingness to be willing to quit. You can't scare an alcoholic or an addict. I had to come to a spiritual decision. I can't do this any more, I can't do it on my own, I need help.

Even if you don't believe in God, religion, or yourself, the program will help you. I thought I knew who God was, by working the 12 Steps, I learned what my God meant to me, I had to make it a part of my spiritual journey in order to recover.

It no longer is about take, take, and what is in it for me. It is about sharing, caring, and giving to others, what has been given to me along my journey. A journey is another 24 hours, just for today, I choose not to use, no matter what.

Because I doubted my God, the group members where my Higher Power. A group of alcoholic and drug addicts, showing me a new way of life. It wasn't just what they said, it was more about what they didn't do. They didn't have to use in today.

I went to meetings for the Divine Orderly Good that I needed each day and as I listened and heard others share, I got the Good Orderly Direction I needed, to stay clean and sober, just for today.

I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I qualify for just about any room in recovery you put me. When I learned to identify instead of compare, I could go to any meeting, whether I used that substance or not. I have never seen cocaine, crack, or meth, yet I went to a CA meeting and heard a girl share my story and she had one year clean.

The Serenity Prayer was a great gift in recovery.

God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I read yesterday, "We need that Serenity, first and fore most, and I could only find that through my God.

Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

For so many years, I was so busy in service, that I didn't know how to practice self-care. I still didn't make healthy choices for me. I had to learn balance. I can't give away what I don't have.

I had gotten away from a lot of the meditation I use to do. I stopped lighting candles. I stopped using my crystals. I still took time in the morning. I still took time during the day when I came upon a situation. As Osho says, "Even doing dishes" can be a form of meditation and a connection with God.

When I go to post, I always ask that I be guided in what I say and the choices I make. It has always been the Serenity Prayer, Third Step Prayer and the Seventh Step Prayer for me. The asking for help and the getting out of the way, so God can work through me instead of going around me.

I also had to learn to not take on what is not mine! That was a big one. I was and still can be a perpetual sponge that just seemed to absorb other people's stuff! I took it all personal.

Acceptance is the key to my sobriety. Accepting what is allows me to keep my emotions balanced. Without it, I can be off the charts. What I don't find acceptable, I ask to leave. I accept and love my son, I did not love and accept his behavior. His going away to treatment through my life out of balance and made me realize how much I had depended on him to do things for me. His talk of leaving for B.C. turned my life out of balance again after I got to a place of acceptance. My life doesn't depend on him being in it. It just seemed empty and void with him gone, because his father left when he was 2 months old and there has always been him and me, even when we never lived together. So I as a result of that void, I had to fill it up with spiritual things. I had to bring my life back into balance. Reach out and ask for help. It has been a grieving process.

The other day I met someone who said to me, "Giving rides home to people from meetings is not AA's job." What ever happened to, "Get yourself to a meeting and you will always get a ride home." I can get out in the day light hours, but have difficulties at night. With my sleeping patterns being off, I am not always awake to go to morning meetings. My recovery has been online for several years, without it, I would not be sober today. Many nights when I have been in pain, I have gone to sites and looked at old posts to find the spiritual food I needed. Have never done chat rooms except at three recovery sites. Another Empty Bottle which is no longer, Essence of Recovery, where I use to chair a weekly meeting, and Milkman's Circle for Recovery.

The last time I asked the doctor for help with my sleeping, he wrote a prescription for Clonazapam." I refused to take them. For one thing they are for anxiety disorder and panic attacks and I don't have either. I did prior to recovery. I haven't had them for the last 12 years. Before that in part, but there were occasions prior to that time when I was 7 years sober. I had migraines for the first 7 years of my recovery and haven't had one bad enough to put me in bed let alone in the hospital since then.

God has been very good to me. "We have the tools to apply to our life. Life doesn't always get better, we do. I have a lot of the same issues that I had when I came into recovery, the arthritis, sleep disorder, eating disorder, relationships, a son who chooses to use, and the list goes on, but one day at a time, I choose not to use. I choose to use the 12 Steps. The help balance my life.

Balance is so important in my life and is so hard to maintain because of my fibromyalgia and the chronic fatigue and pain that goes along with it.

It is important that I balance my chakras and centering myself, not trying to balance myself with what is around me.

www.quotegarden.com/chakras.html

Trying to be there for myself and others is not always easy. Often I have to look at what is my priority for the day and try to live my life with that goal in mind. It often means I can't always do what I want to do and I have to accept it and know that I am as powerless over that disease as I am over my codependency and addiction although I hesitate to separate them. The 12 Steps can be applied to both and I must remember that in order to maintain a sense of balance, I need to live the program in all areas of my life.

I am grateful that I no longer have the peaks and valleys of the emotional roller coaster I was on in early recovery.

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[MajestyJo]

Today will be different because I have a choice today.
A choice to drink or not drink.
A choice to use or not use.
AA/NA
Has given me a a choice
There once was a time when I went to sleep I was thinking of the morning when I could smoke the left handed lucky I had rolled for the trip to the bathroom in the morning.
I did not like to drink in the morning but I have had Whitecastles and Beer for breakfast before.
I liked to get a little high in the morning and drink at night.
I look back and wonder in amazement that I survived
my addiction.
I have a choice today that is why it will be different

Using was not an option. By the time I came to the doors of recovery, it was do or die. I realized that I had a lot of choices to make, because choices could lead me back to using again. I used pills to get off of alcohol, and that didn't work, in the end I was using both.

In recovery, I found the same soul sickness when I used my computer, food, and busy, to take me out of myself and helped me to stuff my feelings. I was heading for a relapse. I had to apply the 12 Steps to ALL areas of my life.

As it says in the quote, today I am not surviving, I am living. That is why I can't allow my pain to rule my life. I have to keep on doing, one day at a time.

Mender1


Drinking is still not an option. It is nice to see words that don't grow old that still hold true in today.

Today, I had pain that hit the top of the chart twice, really scared me. New pain, unusual pain, and when I stopped, because I am given that moment to pause and think, it is because I am coming off the medication the doctor gave me and my body is doing weird things. I have to recognize this and not go into a panic mode and immediately reach for a pill bottle, but reach for a crystal and go into prayer mode.

My Fibromyalgia has been triggered badly by the stress in my life and a lot has been happening, the pain is much worse than usual, but thanks to this program, I don't have to pick up. I might not always be able to be able to sit at the computer, but I know I don't have to go back to where I came from.

Today I had major healing, I have faith in the program and I have faith in the healing power of my God.

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[MajestyJo]

"Normal" Eating

The idea that we will one day be able to eat spontaneously, like normal people, is a delusion. We compulsive overeaters tend to think that once we lose our excess pounds, we can go back to "normal" eating. Not so.

From Food for Thought

Still have a chuckle at the word normal. I still say in my head, "Normal compared to what?" When it is normal compared to me, gosh only knows what you will end up with."

I may have been in recovery for a few 24 hours, but that doesn't mean I am 'normal' or that I am a staid old woman of 72, who acts her age. What does 72 look like?

My day certainly isn't normal, but that is what allows me to come here and post on the site.

My primary purpose is to carry the message of recovery, so that is why I do what I do. Without that, I don't have a life unless I am directed else where. So far that has't happened.

It started with a friend of a friend building me a computer for $100. The young guy could not read or write. It had a 1 gig hard drive and I was able to get on line. I found a Site called Another Empty Bottle. The boyfriend bought me a computer. Then it was followed by me going to March of Dimes for a computer course and I walked away with a certificate for Business Administration on Computers. I ended up with 15 sites of my own and now they are gone.

You never know where life is going to take you.

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[MajestyJo]

Sorry I have gotten behind in posting, not just in my day to day readings but on recovery material.

Things are a bit slow, and concentration isn't so good. The mind is willing but the flesh is willing and I am struggling with myself, wanting to continue and not wanting to quit, which to me is failure to meet my responsibilities.

I still haven't done yesterday's readings, and though they are available and not lost, the fact that they are late, means that someone is missing out. They are good any time, yet for me, each has a purpose, and they are good at any given time, they are especially good, on the day they are meant to be. Not sure that even makes sense, probably not, yet there is a sense that this is a one day at a time program, and a reading for today, is meant to be read today.

So with that thought in mind, I am going to take a break, go down to the pharmacy and get the antibiotic that the doctor ordered for me. The nurse said if it doesn't help my nasal infection, then I need to call on Monday to get an appointment.

The readings help me too. It helps me and helps me to get out of self by reading them.

Just because I feel less than doesn`t mean I am less than. That is the old way of thinking, and it is progress not perfection. ;)

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[honeydumplin]

Your posts are appreciated, and I hope you get well.

There was something that I had received in an e-mail awhile back.
Since it has to do with message, and newcomer, this may be a good place
for it.

AA's Future
I don't know the source, it was forwarded to me.
Makes interesting reading and food for thought.
Whether you agree or not, this is a powerful and
disturbing subject: For all those interested in
the future of our AA fellowship.

What Happened? That question is being asked by a lot
of alcoholics lately. What happened to our high
success rate? 30 & 40 years ago, we were keeping 75%
or more of the alcoholics who came to us for help.
Today, we aren't keeping even 5%. What happened?

What happened to that wonderful A.A. Group that was
around for 20, 30 or 40 years? There used to be 50, 75, 100 or more
at every meeting. It is now a matter of history,
gone! More and more groups are folding every day.
What happened? We hear a lot of ideas, opinions and
excuses as to what happened but things are not
improving. They continue to get worse. What is
happening?

Bill W. wrote, "In the years ahead A.A. will, of
course, make mistakes. Experience has taught us that
we need have no fear of doing this, providing that
we always remain willing to admit our faults and to
correct them promptly. Our growth as individuals has
depended upon this healthy process of trial and
error. So will our growth as a fellowship. Let us
always remember that any society of men and women
that cannot freely correct its own faults must
surely fall into decay if not into collapse. Such is
the universal penalty for the failure to go on
growing. Just as each A.A. must continue to take his
moral inventory and act upon it, so must our whole
Society if we are to survive and if we are to serve
usefully and well." (A.A. Comes of Age, PG 231) With
so very few finding lasting sobriety and the
continued demise of AA groups , it is obvious that
we have not remained willing to admit our faults and
to correct them promptly. Seems to me that the
Delegate of the North east Ohio Area, Bob Bacon,
identified our mistakes and our faults when he
talked to a group of AA's in 1976. He said, in
essence, we are no longer showing the newcomer that
we have a solution for alcoholism. We are not
telling them about the Big Book and how very
important that Book is to our long-term sobriety. We
are not telling them about our Traditions and how
very important they are to the individual groups and
to Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole. Rather, we are
using our meeting time for drunkalogs, a discussion
of our problems, ideas and opinions or "my day" or
"my way".

Having been around for a few years, and reflecting
on what Bob Bacon had to say, it would appear that
we have permitted newcomers to convince the
old-timers that they have a better idea. They had
just spent 30 or more days in a treatment facility
where they had been impressed with the need to talk
about their problems in Group Therapy Sessions. They
had been told that it didn't make any difference
what their real problem was; A.A. had the "best
program". They were told that they should go to an
A. A. meeting every day for the 1st 90 days out of
treatment. They were told that they shouldn't make
any major decisions for the 1st year of their
sobriety. And what they were told goes on and on,
most of which are contrary to the Program of
Alcoholics Anonymous! Apparently, what they were
told sounded pretty good to the A.A. members who
were here when the TC clients started showing up at
our meetings. And a lot of the A.A. members liked
the idea of the treatment centers because the
centers provided a place where they could drop off a
serious drinker, if he/she had insurance. That
eliminated some of the inconveniences we had been
plagued with before; having to pour orange juice and
honey or a shot of booze down a vibrating alky to
help them "detox".

When A.A. was very successful,
the folks who did the talking in meetings were
recovered alcoholics. The suffering and untreated
alcoholics listened. After hearing what it takes to
recover, the newcomer was faced with a decision;
"Are you going to take the Steps and recover or are
you going to get back out there and finish the job?"
If they said they "were willing to go to any
length", they were given a sponsor, a Big Book and
began the process of recovery by taking the Steps
and experiencing the Promises that result from that
course of action. This process kept the newcomer
involved in working with others and continued the
growth of our Fellowship. Our growth rate was
approximately 7% and the number of sober members of
Alcoholics Anonymous doubled every 10 years. With
the advent of the rapid growth of the Treatment
Industry, the acceptance of our success with
alcoholics by the judicial system and endorsement of
physicians, psychiatrist, psychologist , etc. all
kinds of people were pouring into A.A. at a rate
greater than we had ever dreamed possible. Almost
without realizing what was happening, our meetings
began changing from ones that focused on recovery
from alcoholism to "discussion or participation"
types of meetings that invited everyone to talk
about whatever was on their mind. The meetings
evolved from a program of spiritual development to
the group therapy type of meeting where we heard
more and more about "our problems" and less and less
about the Program of Recovery by the Big Book and
the preservation of our Fellowship by adhering to
our Traditions.

What has been the result of all this? Well, never
have we had so many coming to us for help. But never
have we had such a slow growth rate which has now
started to decline. For the first time in our
history, Alcoholics Anonymous is losing members
faster than they are coming in and our success rate
is unbelievably low. (Statistics from the
Inter-Group Office of some major cities indicate
less than 5% of those expressing a desire to stop
drinking is successful for more than 5 years; a far
cry from the 75% reported by Bill W. in the Forward
to Second Edition). The change in the content of our
meetings is proving to be misery-traps for the
newcomer and in turn, misery-traps for the groups
that depend on the "discussion or participation"
type meetings.

Why is this? The answer is very simple. When
meetings were opened so that untreated alcoholics
and non-alcoholics were given the opportunity to
express their ideas, their opinions, air their
problems and tell how they were told to do it where
they came from, the confused newcomer became more
confused with the diversity of information that was
being presented. More and more they were encouraged
to "just go to meetings and don't drink" or worse
yet, "go to 90 meetings in 90 days". The newcomer no
longer was told to take the Steps or get back out
there and finish the job. In fact, they are often
told, "Don't rush into taking the Steps. Take your
time." The alcoholics who participated in the
writing of the Big Book didn't wait. They took the
Steps in the first few days following their last
drink. Thank God, there are those in our Fellowship,
like Joe & Charlie, Wally, etc., who have recognized
the problem and have started doing something about
it. They are placing the focus back on the Big Book.


There have always been a few groups that would not
yield to the group therapy trend. They stayed firm
to their commitment to try to carry a single message
to the suffering alcoholic. That is to tell the
newcomer "we have had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these Steps and if you want to recover, we
will see that you have a sponsor who has recovered
and will lead you along the path the 1st 100 laid
down for us".

Recovered alcoholics have begun founding groups that
have a single purpose and inform the newcomer that
until they have taken the steps and recovered, they
will not be permitted to say anything in meetings.
They will listen to recovered alcoholics, they will
take the Steps, they will recover and then they will
try to pass their experience and knowledge on to the
ones who are seeking the kind of help we provide in
Alcoholics Anonymous. As this movement spreads, as
it is beginning to, Alcoholics Anonymous will again
be very successful in doing the one thing God
intended for us to do and that is to help the
suffering alcoholic recover, if he has decided he
wants what we have and is willing to go to any
length to recover, to take and apply our Twelve
Steps to our lives and protect our Fellowship by
honoring our Twelve Traditions.

There is a tendency to want to place the blame for
our predicament on the treatment industry and
professionals. They do what they do and it has
nothing to do with what we in Alcoholics Anonymous
do. That is their business. That is not where to
place the blame and also is in violation of our
Tenth Tradition.

The real problem is that the members of Alcoholics
Anonymous, who were here when the "clients" began
coming to our Fellowship did not help the "clients"
understand that our Program had been firmly
established since April 1939, and that the
guidelines for the preservation and growth of our
Fellowship were adopted in 1950. That they must get
rid of their new "old ideas" and start practicing
the Twelve Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous as
it was given to us. That until they had taken the
taken the steps needed.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of saying something that can only be based on personal experience. In order to somehow avoid that, and also set a qualifier for my supposed hypocrisy, I'll go out on a limb and jump head first into the trap. Therefore, not only setting it, but setting it off too.

It's also easy for me to look at things much differently now, than I sought help, whereby a sort of self-righteous, pious, and demonstrative attitude has reared its ugly head, replacing the quiet, isolated, desperation that I awakened to every day for those last six months, when I had no idea who I was, or what I was, only that I did not want to be that any more.

And even that has changed so much more than it was ten or twelve years ago when I first walked into a room of A.A. The only thing I knew about the steps is that they were read at every meeting, and they'd taken the liberty to hang them on the wall so we could see them. No one said any specific thing about "working" them, "going through" them, or even revealing how the steps were affecting their day to day life.

The Big Book may has well been under lock and key. I was completely unaware of the fact that people actually had them, much less looked to them for guidance or anything. But there again, none of the above would have done me any good anyway. Sure, I'd tell you that I was an alcoholic, but I hadn't even got close to the unmanageability part of my life yet, nor was I fully convinced that there was that much of a problem with my drinking. I could drink just fine thank you very much. It was you who was having the problem with the way that I drank, not me.

In the most realistic manner of which it could have happened, that was THE most important thing that I had learned in those thirty days of going to that one meeting a week, was the fact that these people, these A.A.'s were seeing me exactly that way. I know this, because I would catch them telling me that I couldn't expect this to work because I was doing it for somebody else. This didn't make any sense to me at all. So I tried my best to fix it, by the only insane way that I knew at that point of how to alleviate the problem, and that was to distance myself from others as much as possible and therefore make it where I did not have to get sober for anyone else. It worked, but I'm kind of slow so it took awhile. Another ten years. I hadn't gone back out. I was never in.

There was no concept, even remotely, of what a bottom was. That hasn't changed either. I still think there's another one of those just waiting for me to redefine that whole scenario if I get insane enough to want to take the next drink. So it doesn't honestly make sense either to share about hitting anything other than what I hit, which for me was leaning out of the car at a stop light on tenth street and watching the scotch I had just drank end up down on the pavement in front of me, wondering what I had become for a brief moment, and then feeling much better, and thinking that I was okay again. I probably drank for several months after that. Hell, I drank two the day before my treatment started, just because they were in the refrigerator. I'm an alcoholic. Why would I have wasted it.

But that's me. That's my disease. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Not love. Not freedom. Not joy. Not happiness. And yet I so desperately desired all of those, because I could see them in people like you, but much later than those that exposed this recovery to me originally, which were the counselors in what was called "group". I hate that word. Still do. I hated being "in group." Still do. I hated the people who were in the group, what they said, how they said it, and more importantly the attitude with which they said it. I thought they were phoney. One of the counselors was a recovering nicotine addict. She didn't know **** about taking a hit of crack. I guess I hated her more than anybody, and eventually got to the point to where I treated her as if she were piece of the wallpaper that I had to look at once or twice a week. Nothing more, nothing less.

Was I willing to go to any length during this process? Of course not. At that point, I'm sure I had no clue of what going to any length was. It wasn't until a couple of months later when I came face to face with two choices of either working a program, or going back out, knowing that I was going to die if I did, that I knew a glimpse of what going to any length was. But if I ask myself if I was going to any length at all. Yes, I was. I may have just been basically going through the motions in order to simply make it another day without a drink, but for once in quite some time, I was being honest with my own self about the whole thing. I began to listen to people, at times in like this unaware state, of just sitting there and trying to adapt to being in a room with other people without being high on something.

I started to become part of the "group" that I didn't care for, which for me that day, was going to any length. I just wasn't conscious of it. I wanted to be loved so bad, but really had no idea of what unconditional love was. I thought unconditional love was love that had no prerequisite. In other words, I thought it was you letting me do whatever I wanted to do, and loving me anyway. As it turns out, the best love I know of, has conditions, and in turn, expects conditions. In essence, it's conditional love that has no conditions to speak of. For the sake of discussion, I'd rather call it unconventional love, which really isn't love at all. It's more like attachment via proxy or something obtuse, that's for sure.
And this is where I want to conclude. The love that I began to experience for the first time definitely had some conditions that went with it, otherwise I wouldn't have had a desire to meet those conditions in order to experience it. There wasn't anything at all glamorous, or romantic, or even pleasurable about it. It was painful at times. It was working through what appeared to be a mine field in order to get through another day. It was very unconventional, in that it was nothing conventional about the way that it occurred.

It was an attachment via proxy in that, even though the person that I was working with was going to love me if I went out and got drunk, that I was distancing myself once again, by falling down on one of the only conditions he had laid down in order to be one of the closest friends I've ever had, which was to try my best to stay sober. Did I continue to meet those conditions? Of course not. Did it happen again? Yes. But this time, it was even more difficult getting back to square one, which again made me realize how very valuable what little sobriety I had was.

For without the condition of the valley, the peak, which to this day is ever present, could have not been appreciated with the same magnitude, had it not been for the ground work that was being laid, and the unwritten boundaries for the future. I mean this guy was trying to stay sober. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that if I were going to insist on continuing to drink, that the "love" that he was extending to me through carrying the message, was going to suffer.

To sum up what I'm trying to say, I'm grateful that I was loved in this exact way by the people that I encountered in A.A. I can say that I wasn't catered to, wasn't coddled, wasn't laid down a red carpet, or offered a coffee clutch of groupies giving me unwarranted advice. Just a warm hand shake, and some words of encouragement that I'd found a home, and that you'd be there for me. Any more, or any less, would have more than likely screwed up my alcoholic mind more than it already was.

Thanks for letting me share this.

[MajestyJo]

Thank you, my computer froze, so took it as a good sign, couldn't even log out of the site. I closed my computer off, put on a clean top, put on some warm socks, put my shoes on, brushed my hair, put on the coat and out the door I went.

The bus came so I hopped it instead of walking downtown. I had a book to return to the library. As I walked by the express shelf, not one, but two of my favourite authors had new releases and I grabbed both. One had two copies, so I didn't feel too guilty as I am a fast reader when I set my mind to it. I only have one book due before they are due, three books in two weeks is nothing. ;)

Didn't see anyone I know, which is always a good indicator that I wasn't running away from home, and all I bought was a half dozen raisin bran muffins and walked home. I just felt the body needed the break and the exercise. The brain needed the cobwebs blown away, and here I am back with a clearer mind, with a much more vigorous mind set that I had before. :)

http://angelwinks.net/images/iq/qceyewheel.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Didn't belong to a group to get my 30 month pin, I was later given one by a long-timer. I went from one end of the city to another, north and south, east and west. I ended up at the Hamilton Women's Discussion Group were they had discussion plus a Big Book discussion table and a beginners table which was Steps 1, 2, & 3 in rotation. They had an open meeting at the end of the month for anniversaries. They were known for their food. Men thought we discussed them and thought we were men haters. We were there because we loved men too much or we feared them or were angry at them, which was my case.

They closed the meeting in a circle, gave out hope stones and said The 12 Promises before the closing prayer. Couldn't find the serenity and the power like that in any other meeting, and even though I left after four years, it was my hope to take what I found there and pass it on. I took the circle to my next group. I ended up the only woman in the group. It was a 12 & 12 Discussion Group which had been missing in my program. I then moved onto an Open Discussion Group before I left AA and went to NA and from there to Al-Anon, to complete my circle of recovery. When I need a meeting, I go where I need to go in today. The 12 Steps are a common denominator.

Thanks for sharing.

[MajestyJo]

The Language Of Letting Go.

Taking Care of Ourselves Emotionally

What does it mean to take care of myself emotionally? I recognize when I'm feeling angry, and I accept that feeling without shame or blame.
I recognize when I'm feeling hurt, and I accept those feelings without attempting to punish the source of my pain. I recognize and feel fear when that emotion presents itself.

I allow myself to feel happiness, joy, and love when those emotions are available. Taking care of myself means I've made a decision that it's okay to feel.

Taking care of my emotions means I allow myself to stay with the feeling until it's time to release it and go on to the next one.
I recognize that sometimes my feelings can help point me toward reality, but sometimes my feelings are deceptive. They are important, but I do not have to let them control me. I can feel, and think too.
I talk to people about my feelings when that's appropriate and safe.
I reach out for help or guidance if I get stuck in a particular emotion.

I'm open to the lessons my emotions may be trying to teach me. After I feel, accept, and release the feeling, I ask myself what it is I want or need to do to take care of myself.

Taking care of myself emotionally means I value, treasure, explore, and cherish the emotional part of myself.

Today, I will take care of myself emotionally. I will be open to, and accepting of, the emotional part of myself and other people. I will strive for balance by combining emotions with reason, but I will not allow intellect to push the emotional part of myself away.

Whatever I am thinking right now is creating how I am feeling. I turn to positive and loving thoughts because I choose to feel good. --Ruth Fishel

I have to work on my emotional sobriety daily. Going through a very emotional time at the moment with my son and where he is at in the, my two sisters`health issues, supporting my two best friends through difficult times, my friend Bert going into surgery, not to mention my own health, which thank the good Lord is getting better, at least better than it was. As I shared with my sponsor today, I am not sure if I am just numb, or whether it is just peace and calm within the storm of the chaos.

Found myself reacting to a pigeon on my balcony this morning. He just wouldn`t co-operate and fly out the hole I made for him in the netting. I thought I made it quite obvious for him as to how he was suppose to get out, I even put down cracker crumbs to tempt him. He was so dumb and waited so long, they blew away, the stupid bird. I finally gave up after arguing with him for almost two hours and called the superintendent on duty at 1 p.m. to help me get rid of him. At least I remembered to apologize for interrupting his Sunday dinner.

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[MajestyJo]

Sobriety is soundness of mind.

I have to work on my soundness of mind daily.

That means my emotional sobriety. I haven't had a drink in 23 years. That means I am sober.

Do you have emotional hangovers from the day before?

Do you lay your emotions to rest when you go to bed at night or do you pick them up when you get up in the morning?

What do you do with your emotions? Do you acknowledge them? Do you ignore them? Perhaps you pick up a cigarette or decide you are hungry?

Are you feeling comfortable being with yourself or are you feeling a little antsy? Do you need to pick up a book or turn the TV on? Do the normal programs no longer satisfy your mind and your normal routine not fill up your mind. Is something leaking into your mind that you don't want there that you are wanting to avoid? Just maybe you should look at it, perhaps it is a sign.
Maybe your God is giving you a little nudge.

I thought these sights were closed. I have been telling everyone they were. The format is changed, and I am not sure if I can respond to anythings posted here, but I felt led here tonight, so there must have been a very good reason.

Love Always,

Jo

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/...tions/messages

[MajestyJo]

This disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and it is a family disease. I don't know when I crossed over from being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic to being an active alcoholic/addict. I remember the first taste of my drink at 10, was given Valium and 16, didn't start drinking until 21, but didn't drink regularly until I was 27.

When I made the decision to quit, my way I was 41. Figured men where my problem, (and they can be if I allow it to happen, I lived my life through many people in my lifetime) and never got more than three months at one time. When I came to the program at 49, I was able to stay stopped. The biggest part of my recovery has been service. The best way to get out of me and my problems is to help someone else; yet I can use other people to not look at my own issues, so I need the balance of meetings, a sponsor, outside interests, and working the Twelve Steps into my life.

It is a living program. Not a one time "fix" or a remedy to cure my "ills", it is about me learning to live instead of existing and living in the shadow of others and life.

Service helped me with my self-esteem, self-respect and self-worth.

Just keep coming, don't leave until the miracle happens. You may be the only Big Book someone will ever be willing to see.

This was posted on another site in 2003. I am still so grateful that I found AA before I found ACoA or I may have died in my denial. I was so caught up in the blame game, that I couldn't see myself.

I kept saying: I am not as bad as they are. I didn't do what they did. I was embarrassed for them. I put my life on hold for them. After all I did for them, how could they do this to me. I compared instead of identified. The list goes on, and on, an on....

[MajestyJo]

Addictions rule a persons life, but it's always someone
else's fault....

Playing the blame game

Did that for so many years. Blamed my father for my alcoholism because he was an alcoholic and my isms came from my mother who used food and had her own addiction because she couldn't deal with his. It killed her at the age of 40. I also thought she was lazy and accused her of a lot of things like not caring, especially not taking care of herself. Not knowing that he was running around on her and never home, and leaving her with no money and transportation on a farm a mile away from the nearest neighbor with three girls. I also believe in today that she had fibromyalgia. I later became his drinking buddy and blamed him for keeping me awake and losing time from work because of his drinking and not looking at my own. Blamed my husband because I felt that I didn't have a problem until I met him and then I had to drink to be able to stand to be around him. No thought of taking responsibility for my son and myself and leaving. I was told it was my responsibility as the oldest daughter to take care of my dad. He kicked us out because of 'our' drinking and died six weeks later as a result of his own. A major guilt trip for not being there. He had no desire to quit or let go of his grief for the loss of his long time girlfriend.

That old adage, if you had a husband like I had, if you had a boss like I had, if you had parents like I had, you would drink too. Always about the big "I" and aren't I just wonderful. A perfect example of a self-righteous sinner.

Posted in 2009

Choosing to learn, rather than wallow in pain is always the best option.....

My son still blames me in today, for his addiction. He was 25 years old when I came into recovery. Here I am 23 years later, still in recovery and it is still my fault.

I am a firm believe that we are products of our environment. It is often how we respond to what is around us, and how we react to it; and for me, it was, "If you can't beat them, join them." Where with my sisters, they wanted no part and stayed away and I chose the path of rebellion. I was the daughter of a preacher's son who married the village drunk's son. It was quite a combo if you wanted to compare and point fingers. I had to learn to identify my part, look at me, and take ownership for my part. Not just my addiction to prescription pills and alcohol, but my codependency, my dis-ease as an adult child of an alcoholic and the daughter of a mother of a food addict, and the wife of an alcoholic and the mother of a self-admitted alcoholic/addict.

A lot of labels and a lot of ifs and and buts, but it all boiled down to, "I am sick and I need help." The solution were the 12 Steps that came from AA, and were applicable to my life and allowed me to heal too.

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[MajestyJo]

Styles of Distorted Thinking
Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of the situation.

Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure. There is no middle ground.

Over Generalization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or other piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again.

Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to tell how people are feeling about you.

Catastrophizing: You expect a disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start, "What if's?" What if a tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?

Personalization: You think everything people do or say is some kind of a reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc.

Control Fallacies: You feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control makes you feel responsible for the pain or happiness of everyone around you.

Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair but are sure that other people won't agree with you.

Blaming: You hold others responsible for your pain, or else you blame yourself for every problem or reversal.

Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act or feel. People who break these rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate them yourself.

Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid or boring.

Fallacy of Change: You expect that others will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes and happiness seems to depend on them.

Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative judgment. When you make a mistake, instead of describing your error, you say: "I'm a loser." If someone irritates you, you label them, "He's a louse."

Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove your opinions and actions are correct.

Heaven's Reward: You expect all of your sacrifices and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score.

by Adult Children Anonymous

Have had similiar thoughts about my fibromyalgia. People who don't have it just don't understand how it affects you. I look perfectly healthy and look like there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. How can you explain to someone, that you just don't have the energy to sit up in a chair and that you have to go and lie down.

My doctor told me to throw away my high heels and to quit driving ten years ago. It took a long time to find acceptance. Any time something like this happens, it is a great grieving process for me until I can find the acceptance. I too had to detach from family and friends.

I still find myself trying to justify my existance and looking for approval because I often feel less than as a result of my dis-ease. It is not as bad as it was, but God and I are still working on it.


Quote:


"Recovery is not about being right; it's about allowing ourselves to be who we are and accepting others as they are. Today, I will remember that I don't have to hide behind being right. I don't have to justify what I want and need with saying something is "right" or "wrong." I can let myself be who I am.

Excerpts Language of Letting Go, February 18."

Posted in 2009.

This is a one day at a time program. It is about my connection to my God, working my program, and how willing I am to practice it in all areas of my life. It just isn't about drinking and drugging, it is about my thinking that can take me out of myself, instead of going within, to connect with the Spirit within.


The following was a result of reading this post on another site.

[MajestyJo]

In a lot of pain tonight, and the words of the reading from Food for Thought came to mind: "When we abstain, we sometimes fear that we will be overwhelmed with the emotional pain that is no longer buried with food. By turning this distress over to our Higher Power, we are able to survive it and learn from it.

I give You the pain that I cannot handle."

I have rubbed my feet with Voltaren, used message and acupressure, and asked for what I needed to release the pain. I was responsible for a lot of it because I went downtown and didn't sit and put my feet up and didn't rest, just went here and there and didn't allow myself a time out. I did have breakfast, but haven't had any protein and just now realized that I should have had some yogurt and fibre besides the fruit I had. To add to my sins, I had a couple of brownies, instead of having the grilled cheese I thought of making. I took out a slice of cottage roll which is still defrosting, which isn't appealing and seems to be too heavy to have when all I want and need is some sleep.

I forgot my water bottle so bought one and proceeded to forget to drink it, so was dehydrated. I did drink my juice, but that isn't enough fluid. I am diabetic. Then I wonder why I am in pain, and then I go DUH!!!! I not only have to surrender the pain, but the thinking!

The reading from The Language of Letting Go also came to play in my life today:

We may have to let go of our fears enough to experience the intimacy that will occur when we allow someone to love and support us. We may even have to learn, one day at a time, how to be happy and content.

Learn to let others be there for us.

When I came home this afternoon, I took the bedding off my bed and washed it so that ALL my laundry was done. I was tired and I was hurting and my feet were so sore they felt like they were bleeding. I just had to do it, because the Country Music Assoc. Christmas special was on tonight and I had to be free to relax and watch it. (Just a little self will) I didn't bother to bag everything, pillows, comforter and sheets, just folded it up and put it on my walker. I was doing a balancing act going out the door of the laundry room and a woman said, "Could you use some help?" I said, "Yes please, I am having a bit of difficulty." I didn't even choke on the words. I even told her that my morning meditation had said to be willing to ask for help. She said, "Any time dear, any time." When we don't, we are the losers.

Now I have to go for the ice pack as my bean bath isn't cutting it. The muscle spasms are from over extending myself and trying to do on 3 hours sleep.

One of my stops in the mall today was to a shop called Harmony. It has crystals and other nature things. They have a new thing, clothes made from natural fibres. I looked up their crystal chart to see what I needed. It was green tourmaline. Unfortunately, they didn't have any, but fortunately, I now know what I need. It was listed under several health issues, blood pressure, sense of smell (having sinus problems).

Green Tourmaline, also known as Verdelite, is perhaps Nature's best healing crystal of the physical heart, channeling its electrical energies into the center of one's being and creating a flow of wholesome energy to all parts of the body and self. It is the masculine, or yang counterpart to the feminine heart energies of Pink Tourmaline, and enhances courage and strength, stamina and vitality. Its spiritual vibrations harmonize with the energies of the Earth as it opens the Heart Chakra and stimulates a strong resonance with Divine Love

I don't have the stone. I do have a deck of crystal cards with the stone on it, so will do a meditation with them before I go to bed.

Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

MERRY CHRISTMAS THE A.A. WAY

'Twas the night before Christmas, we were all in the club, Enjoying a meeting, instead of the pub. The ashtrays were clean, and the coffee was made, The Big Books were out and we all had prayed. When out in the lot, there arose such a clatter, We all jumped up to see what was the matter. The Chair with his Big Book, and I with my smokes, Headed outside to find these two blokes. They came on inside and sat at the table; And said that they'd chair, as soon as they're able. To start with, they aid, "It's more than not drinking; It's doing your best to fix your sick thinking." "Think, Think, Think!" and the slogans we used, Help keep the newcomer from getting confused. Step 1 is a start, they said we should know, But after Step 2, we'll be all aglow. We make a decision when we got to Step 3; Step 4 was real tough, we all could agree. Step 5 is the one where we let it all out, And after Steps 6 and 7, we're left with no doubt. When we got to Step 8, we made our list; And then with Step 9, we have to persist. After Step 9, the promises ring true; We didn't just make that up, right out of the blue.

After that, it's on with the rest; The things we must do, to be our best. They put on their coats and got ready to leave; A pretty good end, for this Christmas Eve. As to their names, we only could guess; Must have been Bill W. and Dr. Bob S. The two men hopped into a '35 Ford, And as they pulled out, one of them roared: "We leave this message, for our sisters and brothers: trust God, clean house, and be of service to others. And for all of you people, I just want to say: have a nice holiday, but don't drink today!" Today I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is an old-timer walking ahead of me with a lantern.

Author unknown


Have a safe and sober holiday.

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[MajestyJo]

He is Not Limited by Your Limitations

TODAY’S SCRIPTURE
“Is anything too hard for the LORD? ...”
(Genesis 18:14, NIV)
TODAY’S WORD from Joel and Victoria

If you could see what God has stored up for you, the people you’re going to meet, the places you’re going to go, the good breaks that are going to find you, you would be amazed. It’s going to be the surpassing greatness of God’s favor. But too often, we make excuses. We come up with reasons why this is not going to happen for us. “Well, that sounds good, but I don’t have the training, the talent, the connections.” Or, “I come from the wrong family. I’m the wrong nationality. I’m too short. I’ll never come into my garden.”

No, God is not limited by your circumstances, your family or who is against you. When God breathed His life into you, He put a blessing on you that overrides anything that comes against you! The blessings God has stored up for you cannot be stopped by people, bad breaks or injustice. God has the final say. Be encouraged today because God is taking you to a place of blessing. Don’t focus on your circumstances; focus on your God because He is not limited by your limitations!

A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Father, thank You for blessing me beyond what I can see. Thank You for empowering me to rise above my circumstances and any limitations to boldly embrace the blessing You have for me in Jesus’ name. Amen!

Today I was debating with myself, kept telling myself that I needed to get out before the weather hit big time. I had a hard time getting outside of the door. I kept trying to talk myself out of going, even though I knew if I didn't go this afternoon, there was a good chance I would get snowed in for at least two days. It was after 4 p.m. before I left the house. I was limiting myself. I kept telling myself I couldn't do it and as I walked to the bus stop, I was having muscle spasms and pain and I had to breathe through it and ask for help.

As I walked to the bus stop, three buses went by and I told myself it was a sign that I needed to turn around and go home, especially when I had to wait almost ten minutes for another bus (not that I was in a hurry or on a time schedule). There hasn't been sun for several days and I felt like I hadn't had that connection I needed to give me what I needed to do what I needed to do what I needed to get things done. When I think of it, it is really dumb, the sun is shining some where in the world, it is there even if I can't see it and where was my faith??? As I walked along, gave myself a talking to and said a prayer, the pain eased and by the time I got to the grocery store, things were much better.

I knew I needed to go, I had prayed and asked for the inner knowing and the guidance, so once I was there, it was like my God had me by the hand. First off was my fruit bottom all natural yogourt (NOT STIRRED) for $4.99, then marbled cheddar cheese 460 g Cracker Bell for $3.99, and cookie and muffin mix 2 for $7. and my Stouffer TV dinners 2 for $5. which are regularly $3.69 each. I bought 12 TV dinners. I also got butter for $3.99.

It may not seem much to some people, but those are extra special, specials to me. They were bought with gift cards given to me by my niece. I have had $50 worth of gift cards for 4 days. Normally, I get money and I have to go out and spend it. The day I get it is the day it is to be spent. For me to have it so long is a miracle, even though I have been in recovery for 23 years. God and I still work on this a day at a time.

Told myself I was pushing things and trying to make things happen by going out today instead of waiting for payday on Friday and yet I just knew that I had to go out today. For one thing, I had been housebound too long, and I needed to get out and get some fresh air.

Normally, when I go out I connect with someone when I go out, but my God had already put my friend Bert in my path today. He phoned me to say he had gotten some chicken and he didn't like it and did I want to try it. He didn't want to throw it out. I went and got it and I wouldn't eat it but I gave it to my son. So there was some giving and sharing and some blessings, and all told, a very good day.

Thanks for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

Keep It Simple

Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is broken winged bird that cannot fly.
--Langston Hughes

Many of our dreams died as our addiction got worse. We felt the loss but couldn't speak it. With recovery, we regain our ability to dream. Dreams of sharing our lives with family and friends return. They push out thoughts of getting high. Dreams of pride and self-respect reappear. They replace the awful feeling of shame. Like the quote above says, "Hold fast to dreams...." Our dreams are our wishes for the future.
They hold a picture of who we want to be. In our dreams, we let our spirits soar. Often, we fell close to God, others and ourselves. Thanks God, we can dream again.
Prayer for the Day: Higher Power, thanks to you, my wings have been mended. Guide me as I fly.

Action for the Day: Today, I'll take time out to dream and share my dream with those I love.

When I came into recovery, I didn't dare to dream. I was an empty vessel, totally fragmented and had to be put back together and made whole. It was a long process and it was the Twelve Promises of AA that gave me Hope and I saw the program working in others that gave me hope that it would work for me too. I went back to school and took a computer course that allows me to do what I do today. At two years sober, I wanted to stand on the top of a newly built Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce building and say, "Hey People, I have found a new way of living, let me tell you all about it."

A short time later, he put a young later he put a sponsee in my life, who knew a young man who couldn't read or write, but he could build computers. He made me a computer for $100. It had a one gig hard drive and I got on line on went on Matchmaker Recover and still share with a friend in Texas from that site in today. A few years later, my God put a man in my life who bought me a reconditioned computer, and the rest was history.

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[MajestyJo]

What makes you happy? When I was asked in treatment, I did not know.

I had lived my life through others and did not know that I had a right to my own happiness.

I had been self-medicated for so many years, that I didn't have much of a sense of self or what I was feeling, and didn't know what to call it if I was aware of a one. I certainly had no awareness of happiness, I became Ms. Doom and Gloom. Fear and anger, maybe if I allowed myself the luxury.

What makes me happy in today? Being with friends and sharing with others. Listening to music. Playing bridge when I was able, haven't been able to play the last few years. A good book, especially a J. D. Robb, a Fern Michaels, a Catherine Coulter, a Lee Child, a James Patterson, and so many more, every changing as I change. Being out in nature. Meditation and prayer and connecting to my Higher Power. The inner peace that I find as a result of this program. The freedom from active addiction.

The gift of having family and friends, even though they can test my Serenity, and I have to practice my program when I am with them, they are a blessing.

The greatest gift of all is the gift of myself. The freedom to be me. Not only the freedom from addiction, one day at a time (always have to work on that emotional sobriety), but the freedom of choice. As a long-timer put it so nicely so many years ago, "I choose not to let bad moments in my day, spoil a whole day."

Just for today, I choose not to use. Just for today, I choose not to abuse myself or others. Anything that I pick up and put between me and my God, becomes my drug of choice in today. It is up to me to choose sobriety (soundness of mind) or allow myself to slip back into old patterns, behaviours, and habits.

Just for today, I choose to live clean. I choose to be a clean clear channel. Some days I pick up thinks, like over the holidays (chocolates, pies, etc.) that have left my body toxic, and I have had to do a cleanse to clear my body of the toxins, not only because of my diabetes, but because of my spiritual sobriety. Knowing and doing anyway, isn't right! :(

Food can be a happy occasion as long as I choose healthy and what is good for me. If I don't, I end up with guilt and resentment that I can't eat the way I use to.

A lot is my attitude. I know there are alternatives. I can eat dark chocolate.

In a way, it reads like a gratitude list. As long as I remember to be grateful, I will find lots of things that will grant me happiness.

Happiness is a feeling and isn't always there but is something we can cultivate. It is a choice.

What makes you happy today?

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[MajestyJo]

Haven't been feeling well, not sure what the problem is, I think I have a virus. Just aching all over, and not feeling up to par. Not much physical pain that I normally have, just one big ache, no appetite, no energy, feeling blah, and hopefully my words don't sound the way I feel. I have been surfing old posts trying to lift my spirits, heal, and find some new awareness. It is always good to go back and read old posts, not only to see where I was at, but to just get some food for the body, mind, and spirit. To fill up and top myself up when I am not feeling good.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

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[MajestyJo]

It has been a quiet holiday. My son has been with my, not always by choice, but out of necessity, no money to go out and party. He talked about detox, but has been detoxing here and hasn't been feeling all that great and has been cutting back on cigarettes as well.

It has been thank God for wrestling and movies, along with a marathon of The Big Bank Theory. I have been grateful that I have two TVs, even though I live in a one bedroom apartment. Life can be made up of little things which bring us small pleasures. For me it has been a James Patterson book, my music, Master Chef Junior, the Food Network, and The Taste this evening and last night I brought the year in with Keith Urban and the rest of the evening, I channel surfed.

We have been enjoying good food along with the opportunity of going to bed and sleeping when I felt like I needed to be there, no matter what time of day it was.

Today's thoughts have been about freedom of choice. I can choose to be happy or sad. Someone keeps telling me that I am not happy. Why should I not be happy? Am I not happy, just because I am not jumping up and down in the middle of the floor? I don't have the energy!

Even if there is a part of me that is feeling sad, that is okay too. It is a feeling and I have to accept that part of me too. There is a part of me that would like to move out of Hamilton, and then I ask myself, if I move out of Hamilton, "Where would I go?" There is no answer. Where ever I go, I take me with me. If I can't be happy here, I can't be happy any where, so place has nothing to do with happiness, although I would like to be in a place close to nature. Then I say to myself, "Why?" You can't drive. You are close to downtown. You are close to the library. You have a view of Hamilton Bay and an see the trees and the beauty of the city, hop on a bus or go for a walk and go to a park, so why are you trying to make your life difficult. Be happy where you are at, be in the moment and make the most of it. What aren't you doing? You aren't walking in the right direction? The park is the other way.

As they say, "What needs to be changed within me and with my attitude? What do I need to change to bring about a spiritual awakening?

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[MajestyJo]

Have found that by sharing with others, it helps me. The other day, a friend came to mind and I picked up the phone and called her. She said, "Have had you on my mind and when dinner was over and my kids had gone out I was going to give you a call." She said, "I guess it is our spiritual connection." We have known each other for about 26 years, before I came into recovery. She told me about a new Dual Recovery Anonymous women's group not far from me that I may be able to walk to when the snow is gone. I spoke at a DRA meeting for her husband's 3 year anniversary about 10 years ago. He started a new meeting. It is for people who are dual addicted, especially for those who are on medication for mental disorders for depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, and other mental disorders.

They use AA literature, and the meeting is 10 a.m. on Thursday mornings, so hope to check it out once the weather cooperates and the sidewalks are clear. Doors open when the time is right. The meeting is about a 5 to 6 block walk from my place.

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[MajestyJo]

Have found it difficult adjusting to having a link that take me to all the readings. I am use to copying them out and sharing on certain ones daily. I need to broaden my horizons. ;)

The following is a good example. There is so much more on the new link than what I use to read and I would have missed out on the blessings and the food for thought.

“Silence is one of the hardest things to refute.”
–Josh Billings

For so many years, I had trouble being alone with silence, always had to fill it up. Even if I was alone, I had to have that noise. When I was with someone else, heaven forbid, one of us had to be talking, there was none of that 'comfortable' silence. Never thought of it as 'refuting' it, yet in a way I can see it as a way of controlling, rebelling, fear, insecurities, and a lot of other things, that an alcoholic/addict goes through emotionally and mentally. Not too sure about Earthlings, but I think those are pretty common feelings for everyone.

I like to think of it is God Space in today. As it says in Step Three, listen for the quiet and talk to God.

I also need to look at what kind of thoughts I use to fill that empty space.

Found this on one of my sites while I was looking for some food to calm the soul as I could not sleep.

I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around. What I think, let alone what I say, is put out there and projected onto others and what goes around comes around.

It is so important to be honest and open. It is even more important to think good thoughts!

I am where I am in today as a result of choices made. That is why I try to make healthy choices in today.

Posted in 2010. The site Star Choices is gone.

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/the_...me/261280.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfK7D1FyGY4

Is it loving, sharing, and caring?

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[MajestyJo]

Keep It Simple
February 25

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
—William James

Step Two speaks of believing. For many years, we had given up believing in ourselves, in a Higher Power, and in others. We believed in getting high. Now our program tells us to believe in love. We are lovable, and we can love others without hurting them. Of course, believing is an important part of recovery.

To believe means to put aside our doubts. To believe means to have hope. Believing makes the road a little smoother. So, believing lets the healing happen a little faster. All of this is how we get ready to let in the care of our Higher Power.

Today I was talking to my hairdresser about this, how sometimes I don't always care how I look and how I create my day by my attitude toward myself. We are Co-Creators of our own universe. If I don't feel good about myself, I won't feel good.

So often we miss the goodness in others because we judge the book by the cover. We don't see the whole person because we turn a blind eye because we don't like the person doesn't mean our expectations or our vision of who we feel they should be or who we feel they look, act, think, etc., often forgetting that they are a reflection of our inner self and it takes one to know one.

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[MajestyJo]

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT -- IT WILL BE GONE AND YOU WON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT!

So many times, we think we will quit when we have obtained what we want or some other excuse, especially the only about not wanting to quit while we are still having a good time.

The price gets higher. It takes more drug and alcohol to get that normal high we use to get when we first start out. Things stopped working and we had to look for other things. Through it all we lost ourselves.

We think of all we had and wonder where it went.

When is enough going to be enough?

This is a quote from a post made in 2009.

In this world everything changes except good deeds and bad deeds; these follow you as the shadows follow the body.
--Ruth Benedict

It reminded me of geographical cures. Where ever I go, I take me with me.

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[MajestyJo]

Happy Easter everyone. Sorry my posts are late today. Spring is here in Canada. We have had a lot of rain for two days and my arthritis is slowing me down and making posting difficult.
I am having problems concentrating and thinking through the pain so have to take a break. Will check back in later.

They say we are going to get snow on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I don't need to walk anywhere and my niece will take me to my sister's on Sunday, so my days of busy and stocking up were for a good reason, although unknown at the time.

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[MajestyJo]

April 17

Resolve to be thyself; and know that who finds himself, loses his misery.
--Matthew Arnold

Our need for approval compels us to try to look good - no matter what's going on. We imagine that somehow everything will be okay as long as it looks okay. Our hearts may be breaking from fear, disillusionment, and rejection, real or imagined, but we keep smiling so that no one will guess. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it so hard to turn to a friend and say, "Hey, I'm hurting. I've been having a bad time and I need help"? Would the earth tremble if we said it right out, just like that?

We're not likely to get what we don't ask for. Instead of denying that our knees are shaking, our hands are sweating, and our stomachs are in torment, we can admit and share the truth. We don't have to say "Fine!" when someone in the program asks us how we're doing. Our real friends aren't impressed by stiff upper lips; they're impressed by personal honesty.

Today, I will tell someone the truth about how I feel. If I'm not fine I won't say that I am.

You are reading from the book:

Days of Healing, Days of Joy by Earnie Larsen and Carol Larsen Hegarty

Really liked this reading today. How often when asked how we are, we say, "Oh, I am just fine." We minimize how we feel or discount our feelings. Most of us know that fine means: Frustrated, insecure, neurotic, and emotions or enjoying it. Some say totally flocked up, but I prefer to say frustrated, but that is generally the true feeling along with fear. To get in this stage, it is because I have let go of faith, and not only lost faith in myself, but blocked out God because I have blocked out the negative and therefore, blocked out out any goodness from getting in too.

I need to look at how to change the negative into a positive. If I feel crappy, acknowledge it and then look at how I can change it; instead of ignoring it and hoping it will go away.

[MajestyJo]

Days of Healing Days of Joy

When I grow up, I want to be a child. - D. H.

Some of us adult children need to grow up before we can be the children we never were. It may take years to grow old and wise enough to be young, but it's possible. With enough insight, determination, and change we can regain our lost childhood.

What does it take to do that? First, it takes a decision, and then it takes the willingness to build the necessary skills. How much is it worth to reclaim that childhood? Is it worth everything? That's how much commitment needs to be behind the decision. No wistful "wouldn't it be wonderful if" will do it.

What are the skills of a child? Openness, lightheartedness, trust, the ability to expect wonderful surprises. Those of us who didn't learn these attitudes effortlessly and naturally will have to practice. But if we choose to, we can learn. We can learn to build sand castles, to wonder about mysterious possibilities, and to expect the good in each new day. The world surrounding little children is the same world
surrounding us. The viewpoint is the crucial difference. For us, a merry heart is a matter of choice.

Today, I will pray for young eyes and a young heart.

A good reminder. One person told me that I was a child that never grew up. Another said that I never learned to play and have fun because I took life so seriously and had so much fear of doing things wrong. I was told I was responsible and I carried the world on my shoulders and thought that if something went wrong, no matter what, it was my fault, I caused it. It was so freeing to learn 3 Cs. I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it, and couldn't change it. All I could change was me. I could go back and learn to have fun. I could go back and give that Inner Child the fun she missed out on. I could let go of the fear that restricted her for years. I can't change others, I can't change my past, put I can change things in today.

I don't remember a lot of things from my childhood. It is ironic that the words that often played in my head were my mom saying, "Look at what you made me do." I think she only said it once. I don't know why she said it; and yet I replayed those words many times over. It is long past time to let them go and recognize them for what they are. For one thing, I didn't have the power to make her do anything. It was not my fault and I couldn't make her do anything. It was a falsehood. That in itself was hard to believe and accept. My mother was a good Christian woman who didn't drink, smoke, and cuss you out. She did have a food addiction, a husband who was an alcoholic and she didn't know about Al-Anon and she had no way of dealing with her emotions and feelings. He left her with three girls and went off to work or to carouse with no transportation on a farm in the country, 3 miles from the highway and a mile from her nearest neighbor. She was a very brave and courageous woman. She died as a result of her disease at the age of 40 when I was 20. She didn't have the tools to pass on to me. She did the best that she could with what she had, the same as I did.

I firmly believe she had Fibromyalgia the same as I have. I also have an eating disorder. On my journey, I was put on Valium at 16 and qualified as an alcoholic many times over, perhaps when I stole that first glass of communion wine when I was 10 years old. It might not have been until I was 26 when I went out with this salesman who drank so much that I worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up to him. At the end of my second marriage, it was "God help his soul if he had one more drink than I did." It was a disease of progression. A family disease that affected everyone who came in contact with the dis-ease of alcoholism.

[MajestyJo]

Sorry that I have gotten behind in some of the sections, I haven't been feeling too well. Today was a good example, I laid down just after 3 p.m. and woke up just before 6, rolled over and didn't wake up until the alarm went off at 7 p.m. I fell asleep twice last night in my chair watching TV.

I just haven't had the head to go into my books and files to get new material and seem to have a mental block. Things aren't speaking to me and if they are, I am not hearing them.

I am not sure if I am on time out or in transition. I just know that more will be revealed.

I think it is a health issue with my blood pressure being up and down, and yet that only means more prayer and meditation. I have had pressure in my head and a ringing in my ears which has been disturbing. My doctor ordered strong narcotic medication which I don't want to take, I don't see him until the 20th. The pain in my head doesn't warrant taking them.

I just can't do as much as I have been, so just do what I can when I can. It bothers me to be posting at night instead of the morning, and it has taken a lot of acceptance to get there, but it is either that or not at all.

Thank you for being a part of my journey.

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[MajestyJo]

The spiritual enlightenment for me was the phrase, "If you have to control it, it is alreadyout of control!"

I had heard this phrase around the rooms for several years and it mean nothing to me. I kept coming, I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but I wanted what the people in the rooms had. I knew I didn't want to go back to where I came from, so I just kept coming.

I thought maybe if just kept coming, some of what you head would rub off onto me. So I came, and said, "Hi, my name is JoAnne, and I am an alcoholic" and was in total rebellion, with the attitude, "I'll say it if I have to, and went through the alcoholic/addict stage. Ironically, I knew I was an addict, and I think it was because I knew the meaning of the word. Or I could relate it to chips, or cookies, and the feeling of more, but couldn't identify the alcoholism. I knew I misused and abused my medication, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to know it as dried-up alcohol.

I came but I did all the wrong things, I compared instead of identifying. I don't like beer, I didn't have black outs, I didn't pass out after so many drink, I could drive the car after drinking all day and night and not get pulled over, I could walk a straight line (my son use to say he looked out the window and saw Mom bringing B**** home). I didn't go to jail, I didn't get tickets, I didn't get cut off at the bar, and the list went on, and on, and on.

After I heard the phrase above, I came to realize "Don't look at what you didn't do, but look at what you did do!"
That was a different story. I decided I would rather be an alcoholic.

It wasn't until God saw fit to give me a dream to let me see how others saw me when I was drinking. I was a first class, manipulating b**ch, who told everyone how to do it, what to do, when to do it, and was aggressive and a loud mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted for a friend. I had assumed that the reason that people had back away from us because of my ex-husband's drinking, when it truth, it was probably my conroling, manipulating and nagging ways. Now that was a spiritual awakening, and I was two years in the program. I was sober but I can honestly say I didn't have true sobriety until then. Sobriety for me means soundness of mind. You can't have sobriety and be in denial and life of secrets and control. I was continually at war with myself, and often with those around me because I didn't have my own knowingness. I only knew what was told to me, and I had to find my own path and my own truth.

My spiritual adviser said, "You will learn two thing. 1) How to work your program. 2) How not to work your program.

Keep coming, so you won't have to come back.

Post from 2004

My life is unmanageable when managed by me. I didn't understand the word powerless until I put in the word control, and I saw that it was all an illusion. I was wrapped up in my own denial and not wanting to see what everyone else could see, and I was the last to know. I was looking outward, I compared instead of identifying, and my biggest fear was looking within. The old tapes told kept the door closed and I had to open the door and let the light in.

The only way I was able to do that was to go to meetings. I went to two meetings a day for two years, and a day at a time, I brought the body and the mind followed and the heart and soul healed. The people in the program loved me back to good health.

Today I come to the site, sometimes twice a day.

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[MajestyJo]

Today in my meditation, I pulled the skunk card. It means respect. I not only need to respect others, I need to respect myself. To do that, I often have to set a boundary or reinstate one that I had allowed someone to cross.

It says, "If you ego is not your amigo, you know it stinks!"

If I think I am too good and better than, there is a good chance that I am not living a spiritual program. I felt guilty about not being able to post, and did a real number on myself. Yet in truth, I didn't feel like I had a lot to give and I was in so much pain, I had trouble thinking through it. The reality is, I know that if I come to the site and share, I feel better.

I did have to stay off the computer for physical reasons, but then when I started feeling better, I found it difficult to get back to posting. That just shows how much isolation can block the spirit and harm the soul.

Thanks for letting me share.

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[MajestyJo]

Working on a resentment at the moment. Got back from my friend's 32 AA anniversary and feeling good. I am sitting here trying to post and the music from Hess Village with is about block from me, seems to be getting noisier and noisier. It is just after midnight and the music and noise will only continue to get louder from now until about 4 a.m.

Tonight it feels like an intrusion. Sometimes it is annoying and it is EVERY night, but the music just doesn't seem to fit the good space I am in. The words that came to mind was "Get over it!" It makes me laugh, just like I could "get over my disease," yea right! I couldn't do it on my own, which means I have to do some prayer and meditation and then when I want to go to bed, I will have to put in the ear plugs.

Weekends are worse of course because there are more people and they don't have to go to work tomorrow for the most part. I certain wasn't considerate of others when I was using. Pay back is a b*tch! Tonight I feel like I have paid my dues, but then when I think about it, I used for 39 years, and I am coming up on 24 years of sobriety on Friday of next week, so it looks like I still have some indirect amends to make, so I will let these people enjoy themselves, wish them health, luck, and prosperity and be grateful that I am not them and I won't wake up tomorrow with a hangover.

I do have a choice, I could wake up with a hangover too if I choose not to deal with my feelings. I would wake up with an emotional hangover.

God grant me the Serenity
To Accept the things I cannot Change
The Courage to Change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the Difference.
Amen.

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[MajestyJo]

Sorry, had plans to do some posting, but things are catching up to me. Horns have been honking, people yelling outside my apartment, car alarms going off, plus many other sounds that has got my head a buzzin'.

I woke up with no pain and now I am hurting from top to toe, so it is time to call it a night.

Not much is happening with me, although I am hurting in the moment, I have been feeling better. I have been take time out to work on some of my issues and my stuff that needs to be addressed.

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[MajestyJo]

Just Breathe

In with the new, out with the old, a time honoured way of letting go. So easy said, but often forgotten, especially when we are caught up in the moment.

Just remind yourself to just breathe.

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Surrender is such a big part of my recovery. I have to surrender my thoughts, my problems, my joys and my very being over to the God of my understanding.

It is only by surrender that I am empowered to do what I need to do for myself on a daily basis. Of myself I am nothing, but through Him, I can become all things.

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[MajestyJo]

Wrote this in April 2005. I am so grateful that ACoA allowed me to look at myself and helped me to get honest and get rid of the blame game and the shame role I played for so many years.

It was great to find that I was no longer alone and not unique in my disease but unique in my journey to get to the doors of recovery. We all get here through different routes and when we get here the goal is the same. It is ironic that according to some people, I did things in reverse. Most people go to ACoA only to find that they have inherited their disease or if you will, which I think is closer to the truth, we were products of our environment. Not everyone chooses the same path as our alcoholic/addict relatives and their drug of choice but often find our outlet through other substances like relationships, work, food, etc.


How grateful I was that I had found AA before I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics. I would have stayed in my blame game.

If I hadn't gone to AA first, I would have remained in my denial a lot longer and may never have entered into the rooms of recovery for myself.

At my first meeting, it was like "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, which of us hurts the most of all!" I identified so much with what people shared, but I know that I would have taken it as an affirmation of my using, rather than the fact that I was a product of my environment.

My father was an alcoholic, my mother died as a result of her overeating, and I became an alcoholic and addict. In today, thanks to recovery, I know that they are not to blame, that I made my own choices, and that when I made the choice to stop, I couldn't, without the rooms of recovery. I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped.

Justification and rationalization darn near killed me, it kept me sick and in denial for a long, long time. I need to always remember that for every finger I point toward someone, some place, some thing, I have three fingers coming back at me.

I was so grateful that I found out that alcohol wasn't the problem, it was but a symptom of my disease. My problem was an obsessive compulsive mind, a disease of perception, and one of denial that told me I was just "fine" and it was everyone else who had the problem not me, and if everyone just did what I thought they should, or acted the way that I knew the good Lord intended them to act, and if they would just not annoy me, and they would do as I say, then everything would just be just grand! LOL.

Sounds good in the telling, but in reality it is really sick! Thank God for the rooms of recovery and a second chance at life. Thank you for the gift of self-honesty and the gift of forgiveness and grace. One day at a time, I do get better. I will always have the alcoholic thinking I believe. Recovery is about what am I going to do about it. In today, it is called change and freedom of choice.

I found that so much of my thoughts and actions were based in my past. I had to fear at 6 years old. Thoughts and feelings were never discussed and I didn't know how to deal with them.

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[MajestyJo]

God is just a whisper away!

"When you've fallen flat on your back, with no where else to go, look up--
God is always just a whisper away!"

---unknown

My son has asked me to recognize the man behind the addiction. He may have not grown up and he certainly does some things I don't like, but that doesn't mean I don't like him or love him.

I don't agree with the quote. For me it is "Look within" because recovery always begins with me. My Higher Power is no longer out there, a distant being, busy making the world go round. My Higher Power is the Spirit of God that I think resides in each of us when we surrender and ask for His help. I thought God was up there too and it was easy to keep Him out of my life when I could so easily detach.

I have lived with alcoholism for 60+ years. I remember seing my father drunk for the first time when I was 8. I am still living with myself and as a woman said many years ago in Al-Anon, "People ask me why I still go to Al-Anon because my husband has been dead for 20 years. She says, "It is easy, I still have to live with me." I haven't lived my alcoholic husband for 29 years. Yet a lot of my actions in today, are a result of healing from the actions and reactions of that marriage.

My poor son never had a chance. Living with an alcoholic grandfather, step-father, genes of a sex addicted father and an alcoholic mother who became an addict. I don't know if it is in the genes or not. We often are products of our environment.

Acceptance, boundaries, detachment, unconditional love, forgiveness and compassion are all tools this program has given me. That is why I come here to share. For me it is the five As of change: awareness, admittance, acceptance, action and attitude. Once I start the process, it keeps unfolding to new awareness, admitance, acceptance, action and attitude.

It isn't about the addict in my life. It is about me and my attitude. An attitude of gratitude for my sobriety (soundness of mind) helps me to stay balanced and centered and when I am connected to the God of my understanding chaos and turmoil is short lived. It may come again, and generally does, but with his help, I can handle it. Serenity doesn't mean that I have no challenges in my life, it just means that peace is there when I choose to go there when I need a harbour from the storm.

I do like the title. I don't have to go far. God is there! A whisper gets His attention. Just the other day I became aware that I wasn't flooding 'heaven' with prayer for my son and other people in my life. I pray and leave him there. Something new will happen, and I will renew the prayer, mainly asking that God talk to His God to see that he gets what he needs. It isn't about what I want and I think he needs. He has his own Higher Power. I would have had him clean and sober a long time ago. My way doesn't work!

That is why it is God as we understand Him, and why the program fits everyone. When I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, I was told I was a double winner. Sure didn't feel like one! Today I feel like I have been blessed for sure. There is no excuse for bad behavior, especially in myself. I can't project my values and disciplines on someone else. Sometimes they are not capable of meeting my expectations, other times they have their own, other times, I can't meet my own, so who am I to say, although I keep trying for some reason. I can't save the world but as you say, I can make my space safe!

I chose not to live with my alcoholic husband. I chose not to live in the insanity. My son is in my life and will probably always be there. It depends on him as to how often he is allowed or chooses to come in the door. He knows what I consider acceptable behavior and what is not. I don't think he would be around if I didn't have the health issues I have. He feels he needs to take care of me. The same way it was a role reversal when I was using and before I came into recovery.

He is walking the line right now. He has talked suicidal for years. I pray he chooses recovery. I have decided to enjoy him while I have him. If he keeps doing what he is doing, he won't be around much longer. He will die or he will move away because he blames the city for the troubles in his life. He is still working, after all that is using money. Although it is surprising how many people are around who I thought would have been dead long ago, still hang on to that life string. Guys who were in the program, who use to live in my building years ago, still manage to make it to the Liquor Store for 10 a.m. every morning.

This disease is mental, emotional, spiritual and physical in nature. I too had that void. I had to learn to fill it up with spiritual things. There was no 'me' left and my drug of choice whether it was a pill, alcohol or a man, left me feeling nothing. I had to build a relationship with my Higher Power. I always knew what and who God was from my religious upbringing. I had to make God personal. My religious God didn't stop me from becoming an addict. I taught Sunday School. I knew who God was! Wrong! I knew who other people said God was. I had to find God for myself. I started a spiritual quest. Everywhere I went I found God. Everywhere I went, I took me with me. Everywhere I went, God was with me and I could find God in all things. There are times God had to use more than a whisper to me. As I have stated before, sometimes I had to be hit over the head with a spiritual cast-iron frying pan. That wasn't God, that was me shutting Him out.

I still do look up! Generally it is with a "God help me! How did I manage to get myself in this spot!" When I look up, I have forgotten to look within and was trying to manage my own life. I have always like the expression, "I am a spiritual being having an earthly experience."

The nice thing is I can see from both sides of the fence. The willingness has to be there before the healing takes place. I had wilfulness and won'ts, but no will power, but that isn't how this program works. ...not my will, but Thine be done. As I have often stated, I have had to pray for the willingness to be willing over the years. He has given me freedom of choice. It is what I do with those choices that matter in today.

That is why I love the title. It is a simple concept but so easy to forget when you are caught up in the moment!

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[MajestyJo]

How do you handle the problems in your life? Do you obsess
and blow problems out of proportion? Remember, It’s all in your head!


That was what I was told for years. I tend to take exception to that. When I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia it gave a reason for why I thought and acted the way and gave me validation as to who I was. For many years I looked outside of myself for it, today I don't need to affirm my worth through others. Even after the diagnoses, some doctors said that fibro was all in your head and it took a long time to get some validation that it was a rehabilitating disease.

Alcoholism is the same. It was certain my disease talking and directing my path for many years. In today I know I don't have to walk there and with a daily walk with the God of my understanding, I trust Him to give me the awareness, knowingness and perception I need one day at a time. Sometimes, I think I see too much. Then I have a problem with keeping my mouth shut and not blabbing it about. I try to respect others and allow them to find their own way. They don't need my two cents added to their already chaotic mind.

It always amazes me how two people can see the same thing and get different messages. It is even more mind boggling when you introduce a topic at a meeting and you get several viewpoints and experiences about what at first seems to be the same thing, and yet can be so different. It was very humbling to me in early recovery to hear my thought coming out of the mouth of others. So many times I thought I was the only one. It wasn't all in my head. It was in other people's head and heart too.

Several years ago at a meeting a guy said, "Some people talk from their head instead of their heart." I went to my sponsor afterward and said "I think he was talking about me." She said, "That is alright, if you were, then that is where you are at in the moment." I remember being so upset. I was about 2 years sober and was trying so hard to work the program and little did I know at the time, I had so much healing to do and I had only touched the tip of the ice burg.

I can see my obsession in little ways. Not so much about the past, but in little things in today. I will see something I would like to buy or eat and the thought will stay with me until such a time as I can turn it over and ask for help to have it taken away or until I go out and by that sweater, until I go have some Chinese food or have that double mushroom pizza. Sometimes if I can't afford to go to do the Chinese food in a restaurant I will make my own version. I have found that when I have turned things over I have been approached by a friend who donates to the cause. I might not get the sweater I looked at but may end up with three instead. A several times different friends have asked whether I would be offended if they offered me their clothes they can no longer fit into, their mother's who has passed away and they are cleaning out her closet, a bridge partner who was 90 and dying and losing weight and I really appreciate the reminders of her. They may not be new but they were new to me.

I have always been told to look for the postive in things. It is always there if you look for it. I have good and not so good memories of my parents. I have never hated them. There were times that I resented their actions over the years but thanks to the program they are healed. I had abandonment and rejection issues too, and yet for every negative, there are positive attributes. My mother may have been strict in some ways but she instilled so good values in me. My father helped me financially on several occasions and allowed my son and I to stay with him. That has positive and negative repercussion but on the whole I was the one who profited.

The Big Book says, "We will not regret the past or wish to shut the door on it." That is true for me, and just because I can go back there and look at it, it doesn't mean I have to bring it into today. I can share the experience with others, share the lesson learned and I feel each time I do, a little more healing occurs. When something happens in today that is a direct result of the past, the program gives me the tools to deal with it. I can't change the past, but I can learn from it and I can change the patterns and behaviors that no longer serve me in today. I can heal the feelings but I can't do that by ignoring them and shutting them down or off. Ignoring something never made things right and doesn't make for reality but an illusion of "Hey, I am just fine!" or a control issue that says "I can handle this." I can't pretend things didn't happen to me but as long as I aware of them, acknowledge them, accept them; I can take the action to change my attitude or change my attitude to take action which will allow me to heal and change.


I have been blessed in so many way, I can not begin to count. I don't try to tally the score but try to pass them on to others. It isn't about he did this, she did that any more. It isn't about what and who I was in the past but who I am in today.

In my head for so many years were the tapes that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't deserving of recovery, that I was less than, and all those negative tapes that use to play in my head. I learned to change them. I was blessed with good teacher and counsellors who showed me a better way of living, more importantly a better way of thinking. I will never forget the many times they kept saying to me, "You need to accept your humanness." It is alright to make mistakes, it is alright to make an error, it is alright to do a silly thing, etc. This is something that still affects me in today. When I make an error at bridge, I can still beat myself up and carry it into the next day because I pulled a wrong card or didn't stop to rethink things out and made misjudgments. No one beat me up more than I did. I can still do it and I can let it rent space in my head. I know that if I make a mistake I am not one. I don't have the thought of being less than but as my motto for many years says, "I can't stupidity, especially in myself." The nice thing is I can forgive myself and others because I have taken down the walls around my heart.

The longest journey in recovery is the one from the head to the heart. When things stay in my head, I open the channel to my Higher Power and He opens the door to Light to let the darkness shine.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/phone-240x320-farm/0143.gif

[MajestyJo]

There is so much I want to share tonight but in too much pain. I have pushed myself and am paying for it, the pain is just getting worse.

The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

[MajestyJo]

Welcome to our site. There are many tools to sobriety and we invite you to peruse the board to find material that will help you on your journey to recovery.

Some helpful suggestions - basic tools - to help you stay sober:

90 in 90. People who "keep coming back" have a much better chance of recovering. We recommend 90 meetings in 90 days; try out lots of different meetings and fellowships.

"A drug is only an arm's-length away." Slipping is really easy: a moment's inattention; wrong time, wrong place.

"A slip is the end of a process." (Also: "On the road to a slip, the first step is to get rid of your sponsor"; "A slip occurs before you pick up.")

Abstinence. We can't get high if we don't pick up that first drug or drink. We've learned that using other drugs-- alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, poppers--can lead us back to crystal meth ("tina") or into other addictions. We believe in total abstinence: Using alcohol or drugs invariably triggers our addiction.

Acceptance. "...Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." We can't fix everything--certainly not our addiction; we just had to calm down and accept that. And remind ourselves with the Serenity Prayer as needed.

Act as if. Also: "Fake it till you make it." Life is totally different when we're first getting sober-full of crazy feelings and fears, excitement and gratitude. When we don't know what to do in a certain situation or state of mind, we ask for a suggestion from our sponsor or another person in the program (see Suggestions). We can't "think" our way to right actions , but we can "act" our way to right thoughts. For example: Most of us had to act as if there was a Higher Power for a long time when we first entered the program.

Action. "...The courage to change the things I can." Life is a program of action; most of us started small with things like going to meetings or making our beds.

Big Book. The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, is the basic text of recovery. Most of us read it from time to time, some of us are in study groups where we use it to work the steps.

Bookending. If we need to do something or go somewhere that may make us want to use-meet an ex, the office holiday party, a first date-many of us check in with a program friend before we go and after we're done.

Burning desires. If a meeting is ending and we have not been called on, but think we might use if we don't get a chance to share, we take the "burning desire" when it is announced. If we are still not called on, we grab someone right away after the meeting to talk.

Chips. When we were counting days, most of us raised our hands and shared our progress with the groups. Those plastic key chains we receive from various meetings as we reach new sober anniversaries are among our most valued possessions.

Choices. A recovery bookstore, Choices carries basic recovery literature: Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book), The 12 and 12, Living Sober, Came to Believe, Just for Today, plus Step workbooks, a full library of recovery-related literature, and chips (coins), cards and gifts. 220 West 78th Street (between 2nd and 3rd ); 212-794-3858; open Tues-Fri 11-7, Sat 11-6, Sun 12-4. Barnes & Noble (all over town) also carries a lot of program literature in its Recovery section.

Coffee. Between fellowship, meetings with friends and sponsors, and just generally showing up for life on time now that we're sober, a lot of us drink more coffee than we used to. This can make us very anxious; if we have trouble sleeping, researchers suggest avoiding caffeine within five hours of bed.

Compare and despair. We try not to compare our insides to someone else's outsides.

"Easy does it." We tried not to take on too much in early sobriety.

Feelings are not facts. Just because we feel that everyone hates us doesn't mean they do.

Fellowship. The meeting after the meeting. We go for hamburgers and coffee, discuss topics and feelings brought up by the meeting, and chit chat.

"First things first." We learned to prioritize.

"Give time time." Getting sober takes time, and we addicts tend to be impatient people.

"Go to any lengths." We did some sick stuff in our pursuit of drugs; we try to work just as hard to stay sober. If we drank or used every day, we can go meetings every day.

Good Orderly Direction. One popular conception of a Higher Power: doing the next right thing.

Group Of Drunks. Another useful concept of a Higher Power (from AA): people helping each other get and stay sober.

"Half measures availed us nothing." We have to give sobriety our all or we won't succeed.



HALT. Don't get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. An afternoon spent struggling with cravings can be explained with these four words. We check in on our physical and emotional condition throughout the day. Hungry? Eat regular meals at regular mealtimes. Angry? Talk about it a lot with your sponsor and others. Lonely? Go to a meeting, call someone. Tired? Take a nap, go to sleep early, schedule less. (gay version: HALT don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or fabulous.)

HOW. Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness, the basic tenets behind Steps One, Two and Three. This is HOW it works: we get honest, we open our minds, and we become willing to surrender and work a program.

Just for today. We stay sober one day at a time.

Keep it simple." Also: "Keep it simple, stupid." We tried not to do anything too drastic while we were learning how to live sober, on the proven principle that anything we put in front of our sobriety would take us back out. (See No major changes.)

Keep right size. When we are feeling really lousy--or really super--we try to keep our objectivity. Our low self-esteem and grandiosity led us into addiction in the first place.

"Keep the memory green." We must never forget that we are powerless over crystal and other drugs.

Literature. CMA is still writing its own "Big Book." But many of us found Alcoholics Anonymous, The 12 and 12, Came to Believe, Living Sober, As Bill Sees It and other AA, NA or CA literature valuable in helping us understand the program.

Make your bed. This is just one example of how we take care of ourselves in small ways we couldn't when we used--we deserve a nice clean bed at night.

Meditation. We found this is not as mystical as it sounds: We just sit quietly somewhere for a few minutes and listen to our breath-- in, out, in, out, in, out... Anxiety melts away, and our Higher Power comes in.

Meetings. At meetings we share our successes and struggles, learn about the steps, explore our spirituality, make friends. We have seen how "meeting makers make it."

Naps. Coming off crystal (methylenedioxymethamphetamine) we were very, very sleepy. We weren't too hard on ourselves when we needed to lie down. Everything in moderation of course: Sleeping all the time can be a sign of depression. See Outside issues.

No major changes ... in the first year. This probably sounds impossible and even backwards-why did we get sober, after all, if it wasn't to change our lives? But the reasoning behind it is sound. During the first year, we tried not to plunge into new romances, change jobs or homes, or confront long-standing problems in our families. People said to us: Who you are will change. Who knows what you'll want in a year?

"Nonalcoholic beer is for nonalcoholics." "Near-beer" actually contains a tiny amount of alcohol. We believe we're better off finding beverages that don't remind us of alcohol.

One day at a time. It's too overwhelming to think we'll never use again; we focus on doing whatever it takes to stay clean today. We worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Outside issues. If we are depressed, we get help--therapy, group counseling, antidepressants, economic assistance.

People, places and things. We stay away from anything we identify that reminds us of using. Dealers, party/**** buddies, friends we ran with, or others in our lives who throw off our equilibrium; bars, clubs, baths, certain streets or corners, or other places we associate with copping or using; stems, vials, lighters, thingytail glasses... There's an AA saying: "If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut."

Phone numbers. Telephone numbers are our lifeline. Members who have been around for a while are happy to share their experience, strength, hope--and time. If we want to call our dealer, we call someone from the program instead. For this reason, we always carry the numbers of friends in the program. Many of us make a habit of calling someone, our sponsor or a friend, in the program daily. As for our own phone numbers, many of us changed them to avoid getting tempting calls from dealers and using friends. (See People, places and things, Go to any lengths.)

Play the tape through to the end. When a using craving starts to overwhelm us, we remember one of our last runs all the way through to the end: from the first drink to the bumps in the bathroom and crazy sex, to desperation, paranoia, STDs, hospitals, lost jobs, evictions, busted relationships-whatever brought us into the rooms. After a while, by playing the tape the whole way through whenever we get a craving, we associate using less with the thrill of escape and more with the reality of our addiction and its consequences.

Prayer. Reaching out to a higher power--whether we believe in one or not--has an incredibly calming effect on us. Many of us pray in the morning, asking for help to stay sober another day, and at night, saying a simple thank-you when we make it to bed sober.

"Principles not personalities." This means a couple of things. First, people in the fellowship may sometimes let us down; but the principles of the 12 steps never will. We never let someone else who is working our nerves keep us from seeking the recovery we deserve.

"Progress, not perfection." We try not to be so hard on ourselves. Even Bill W., the founder of AA, had problems.

Shelf. As in "just put that on the shelf." We may feel we have other problems (cigarettes, debt, sexual compulsion, job problems, family issues) in addition to our addiction to crystal meth (methamphetamine), but we postpone dealing with those other problems directly for a while, until we've begun to lead a life free from crystal meth addiction. The stress of dealing with these other problems can make our recovery from addiction more difficult. Just staying sober helps most of our problems start resolving themselves; in time, when we have some recovery under our belts, we take problems off the shelf to be addressed.

Smart feet. Knowing when and where meetings are; having a usual routine; attending meetings even though we are busy, bored or don't want to be bothered, because we know its good for us. "Smart feet" is the impulse to get to a meeting whenever something happens that makes us want to use.

Spirituality. Not to be confused with religion. CMA is a spiritual program of recovery, but the spiritual path in CMA is very personal and individual. In CMA, everyone finds his own higher power and his own way of communicating with it. A lot of us find literature on this topic--from program literature to the Bible or Koran to the writings of Carl Jung or William James--helpful. (See Meditation, Prayer.)

Sponsors. A sponsor is another recovering addict, with a year or more of clean time, who helps mentor us in our recovery.

Steps. There are 12 of them, and they work. The process of self-discovery they describe unfolds organically the longer you stay sober, but it's best to really work on them--with a sponsor. Everyone works the steps in his own way, at his own pace. The only step we have to work perfectly is Step One.

"Stick with the winners." We try to hang out with people who have good attitudes and some clean and sober time in the program.

Suggestions. Most of us needed a lot of humility to come to our first CMA meeting. Admitting that we don't have the answers to our difficulties, as hard as it is, is the source of our serenity. (See Surrender.) People in CMA and other fellowships often offer us feedback. Whatever we may think of them and their "advice," however much we might not want feedback, we have to remember that they wouldn't be telling us something that didn't work for them.



Surrender. Also, "Surrender to win." This is the core of the program; it's really explored in Step Three. Surrender is not defeat, it's joining the winning side. Basically, we are willing to try some other way-ours wasn't getting us anywhere.

"Take what you can use and leave the rest." If a suggestion or concept is confusing or seems contradictory, we set it aside until we are ready. We try not to complicate our programs unnecessarily. (See Shelf.

Traditions. There are 12 of these, too. The code of conduct for the organization, they are the principles that guide CMA meetings and the group as a whole. (See Principles not personalities.)

Triggers. People, places and things that remind us of using, and anything else--a fight, depression, being hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired--that upsets our equilibrium enough to make us want to use.

We are not professionals. We are not doctors. Therefore, we seek professional help for physical or mental problems such as depression or mania; financial counseling; or job training. (See Outside issues.)



"We are only as sick as our secrets." Openness takes the toxic strength out of shame. If something is eating away at us, we share about it at meetings and with our sponsor.

Yets. These are things we have yet to do but that, knowing the way our minds work, we might encounter on our next relapse-smoking, shooting up, heroin, crack, prostitution, jail, homelessness. Addiction is a progressive disease; if we go out, it will most likely be worse next time.

http://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/image.php?u=2156&type=sigpic&dateline=1406998149

[MajestyJo]

What ever the substance, for me it doesn't matter, when I am acting out in my disease, I can get addicted to more of anything.

I went about four years ago to a Casino for the first time in Niagara. I can still remember the rush, and the knowing that, if I made a habit of going to such places, I would be in trouble. I already had a problem with Nevada Tickets before coming into the fellowship of AA.

I also have a book called "Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much" and it is for workaholics, rushaholics and busyaholics. Now I don't know about you, but I can get caught up in busy and rushing here and rushing there, and one of my favorite things is the opportunity to run away from home, especially if it means dishes and housework and responsibility.

Do you remember where you came from? Have you got caught up in busy and life because it is so good, God has been very good to you? Have you asked yourself how come you have all this good stuff? Where did it come from and how come you got it? Have you paid it forward? Is your a/c paid in full?

I don't know about you, but what I got was priceless. I don't think I will ever live long enough to level my account, and get to a place where I think that I am debt free. One of the reasons is because I keep getting gifts. I still find myself saying thank you.

I thank those who carry the message of recovery to me. Each day is a new beginning, so have a great one. May it be the best day it can be. For this 24 hours. may you be clean and sober.


Sharing our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with other people shows us who we are and helps us to accept ourselves. Those with whom we share also benefit.

Grant me courage and trust so that I may share.

Went to a meeting one morning and someone asked me how I was. I said, "I am good, having a great day." He said, "What are you doing here then?" I smiled and said, "Passing it on."

There were days that were far from that, I went to meetings and it was there that I found myself, reflected in the faces of the people in the rooms. The words that were spoken were the words that I couldn't voice for myself. I got a little from this person, a lot from another, another I might not identify with, and another one would give me something to think about, and another would give me something that I would need later. They all contributed to my recovery, and for that, I will always be grateful.

This is a we program. Without them, there would be no me!

Really like this, and it made me think, it doesn't matter what we use in our life, food, alcohol, drugs, men, work, friends, etc. it is all rooted from the same source, ME!

My God is above all things and when I reach out to Him, I can overcome anything that is put in my path.

Have found myself saying many times over the years, "Been there, done it, wore the t-shirt." Yet when you think of what Jesus went through, my stuff doesn't amount to a whole lot. In my mind it was big, seeing my brother killed when I was three, our house struck by lightning, two abusive marriages, and four rapes on my journey to the doors of recovery. Those were just the highlights, when I look at the feelings and the little things like the car accidents, a dysfunctional boss, loss of parents due to their disease, a son in addictive addiction, etc. they still don't add up to something that I do not have to use as an excuse to pick up a drink and a drug today.

Thou hast given so much to me,
Give one thing more, — a grateful heart;
Not thankful when it pleaseth me,
As if Thy blessings had spare days,
But such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.

~George Herbert

This disease is 4-fold and my God heals on all four levels. Thanks to the program, I became aware, and could see things and realized that a lot of it was of my own making and looking at what I did to put myself in those abusive situations, more importantly, why did I stay in them. In my own addiction, I thought that it was what I deserved and my judgment for being me who walked in fear for most of her life. The summit was entering the doors of recovery and reconnecting with my God instead of going to Him part-time.

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcT2_1cyPkD41OOWsf9JqRMegvwSHm46S RC4cjWxf94ose99D0JV

[MajestyJo]

Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourage; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable.
-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

It has been said that the opposite of fear is faith. But how do we change our fears into faith if we have little or no faith? How do we start having faith? One of the easiest ways to develop an alternative to fear is to ask ourselves during a moment of fear: What is the worst that could happen? Once we know the answer to that question, we have dealt with the source of our fears - the unknown.

What do we fear now? First we need to identify all the unknowns that we fear. Once we recognize all the things that can happen, we will be able to prepare ourselves for possible failure, loss, or sadness. By recognizing the fears, we take away some of their power over us. We can then believe we will be all right.

What do I fear and why do I fear it? I know I am okay because I have identified my fear.

Like this because it affirms my own personal belief. You have to identify your feelings, allow yourself to feel them, in order to let them go. As the saying goes, "Just because you have a feeling, doesn't mean you have to act on it." Just because I am fearful, doesn't mean I can't do it. I can go to my God and ask for His Courage, Strength, Love, Wisdom, or anything else I need to get through it. As they say, "If He leads you to it, He will see you through it."

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/christmas-animals-5/0002.gif

[MajestyJo]

Generally I post on the topic that I choose for the day, but in the moment, it wasn't there, the patience or the thought.

Today, I had to put it into practice. My sister arrived after her doctor's appointment. I made us toasted tomato sandwiches. I didn't know what to talk to her about. We seldom see each other and we come from two different worlds. She has no interest in my sites, and after she tells me about her kids, and I tell her I am getting a kitten, and share that I hope to go to Port Dover on Friday, there was nothing more to say.

It is so difficult to make conversation. I was comfortable in the silence, but she ended up getting up and going down and waiting outside for her husband. She said, "I will go and be a dutiful wife." Well you can imagine what that did to my system? I had to have patience with her and with myself. We come from two different ends of the spectrum and that is okay in today.

Found this post I made on another site in 2004. I am referring to the sister who just had heart bi-pass surgery. It makes me aware of how much this program is one day at a time.

I don't even remember thinking about a kitten. I generally have allergic reaction to them. Duh!

I still have the same problem about communicating today. I asked her yesterday if they would keep her an extra day because of her high blood pressure. She said, "Oh no, they said I could go home." They kept her.

She called me twice, I called her back and I don't think we talked for 2 minutes and she said, "I have to go." It was good to know she was home, on the couch, and was going to go to bed.

That quote is 11 years old and I still have to pray and ask for patience and tolerance, not with others so much as with myself.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/mammals-cats-female/0026.gif

[MajestyJo]

Posted this on another site yesterday:

R is for Rest. It doesn't mean rest on your laurels. That means: to be ​satisfied with ​your ​achievements and not to make an ​effort to do anything ​else:
Just because you've got ​your ​degree doesn't ​mean you can rest on ​your ​laurels.

I need to rest and listen to for the Good Orderly Direction my God would have me take in my life.

A hymn I grew up with and sang many times: Leaning on the everlasting arms.

library.timelesstruths.org/music/Leaning_on_the_Everlasting_Arms/


Last night when I turned on 'The Gaither Gospel Hour' I was surprised because it was a new show with Guy Penrod's new music as a soloist. In his first set of music, he sang, "Leaning on the everlasting arms." It is go ensuring and comforting to have a thought followed up by affirmation that you are on tract and connected to your Higher Power.

The same thing happened with "Food for Thought" posting for today. A thought I had earlier was affirmed by the reading for today.

God does work in mysterious ways, His Wonders to preform.

http://www.animated-gifs.eu/water-frogs/0245.gif

[MajestyJo]

This could be a repeat


Welcome to our site. There are many tools to sobriety and we invite you to peruse the board to find material that will help you on your journey to recovery.

Some helpful suggestions - basic tools - to help you stay sober:

90 in 90. People who "keep coming back" have a much better chance of recovering. We recommend 90 meetings in 90 days; try out lots of different meetings and fellowships.

"A drug is only an arm's-length away." Slipping is really easy: a moment's inattention; wrong time, wrong place.

"A slip is the end of a process." (Also: "On the road to a slip, the first step is to get rid of your sponsor"; "A slip occurs before you pick up.")

Abstinence. We can't get high if we don't pick up that first drug or drink. We've learned that using other drugs-- alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, poppers--can lead us back to crystal meth ("tina") or into other addictions. We believe in total abstinence: Using alcohol or drugs invariably triggers our addiction.



Acceptance. "...Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." We can't fix everything--certainly not our addiction; we just had to calm down and accept that. And remind ourselves with the Serenity Prayer as needed.

Act as if. Also: "Fake it till you make it." Life is totally different when we're first getting sober-full of crazy feelings and fears, excitement and gratitude. When we don't know what to do in a certain situation or state of mind, we ask for a suggestion from our sponsor or another person in the program (see Suggestions). We can't "think" our way to right actions , but we can "act" our way to right thoughts. For example: Most of us had to act as if there was a Higher Power for a long time when we first entered the program.

Action. "...The courage to change the things I can." Life is a program of action; most of us started small with things like going to meetings or making our beds.

Big Book. The Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, is the basic text of recovery. Most of us read it from time to time, some of us are in study groups where we use it to work the steps.

Bookending. If we need to do something or go somewhere that may make us want to use-meet an ex, the office holiday party, a first date-many of us check in with a program friend before we go and after we're done.

Burning desires. If a meeting is ending and we have not been called on, but think we might use if we don't get a chance to share, we take the "burning desire" when it is announced. If we are still not called on, we grab someone right away after the meeting to talk.

Chips. When we were counting days, most of us raised our hands and shared our progress with the groups. Those plastic key chains we receive from various meetings as we reach new sober anniversaries are among our most valued possessions.

Choices. A recovery bookstore, Choices carries basic recovery literature: Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book), The 12 and 12, Living Sober, Came to Believe, Just for Today, plus Step workbooks, a full library of recovery-related literature, and chips (coins), cards and gifts. 220 West 78th Street (between 2nd and 3rd ); 212-794-3858; open Tues-Fri 11-7, Sat 11-6, Sun 12-4. Barnes & Noble (all over town) also carries a lot of program literature in its Recovery section.

Coffee. Between fellowship, meetings with friends and sponsors, and just generally showing up for life on time now that we're sober, a lot of us drink more coffee than we used to. This can make us very anxious; if we have trouble sleeping, researchers suggest avoiding caffeine within five hours of bed.

Compare and despair. We try not to compare our insides to someone else's outsides.

"Easy does it." We tried not to take on too much in early sobriety.

Feelings are not facts. Just because we feel that everyone hates us doesn't mean they do.

Fellowship. The meeting after the meeting. We go for hamburgers and coffee, discuss topics and feelings brought up by the meeting, and chit chat.

"First things first." We learned to prioritize.

"Give time time." Getting sober takes time, and we addicts tend to be impatient people.

"Go to any lengths." We did some sick stuff in our pursuit of drugs; we try to work just as hard to stay sober. If we drank or used every day, we can go meetings every day.

Good Orderly Direction. One popular conception of a Higher Power: doing the next right thing.

Group Of Drunks. Another useful concept of a Higher Power (from AA): people helping each other get and stay sober.

"Half measures availed us nothing." We have to give sobriety our all or we won't succeed.



HALT. Don't get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. An afternoon spent struggling with cravings can be explained with these four words. We check in on our physical and emotional condition throughout the day. Hungry? Eat regular meals at regular mealtimes. Angry? Talk about it a lot with your sponsor and others. Lonely? Go to a meeting, call someone. Tired? Take a nap, go to sleep early, schedule less. (gay version: HALT don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or fabulous.)

HOW. Honesty, Open-mindedness and Willingness, the basic tenets behind Steps One, Two and Three. This is HOW it works: we get honest, we open our minds, and we become willing to surrender and work a program.

Just for today. We stay sober one day at a time.

Keep it simple." Also: "Keep it simple, stupid." We tried not to do anything too drastic while we were learning how to live sober, on the proven principle that anything we put in front of our sobriety would take us back out. (See No major changes.)

Keep right size. When we are feeling really lousy--or really super--we try to keep our objectivity. Our low self-esteem and grandiosity led us into addiction in the first place.

"Keep the memory green." We must never forget that we are powerless over crystal and other drugs.

Literature. CMA is still writing its own "Big Book." But many of us found Alcoholics Anonymous, The 12 and 12, Came to Believe, Living Sober, As Bill Sees It and other AA, NA or CA literature valuable in helping us understand the program.

Make your bed. This is just one example of how we take care of ourselves in small ways we couldn't when we used--we deserve a nice clean bed at night.

Meditation. We found this is not as mystical as it sounds: We just sit quietly somewhere for a few minutes and listen to our breath-- in, out, in, out, in, out... Anxiety melts away, and our Higher Power comes in.

Meetings. At meetings we share our successes and struggles, learn about the steps, explore our spirituality, make friends. We have seen how "meeting makers make it."

Naps. Coming off crystal (methylenedioxymethamphetamine) we were very, very sleepy. We weren't too hard on ourselves when we needed to lie down. Everything in moderation of course: Sleeping all the time can be a sign of depression. See Outside issues.

No major changes ... in the first year. This probably sounds impossible and even backwards-why did we get sober, after all, if it wasn't to change our lives? But the reasoning behind it is sound. During the first year, we tried not to plunge into new romances, change jobs or homes, or confront long-standing problems in our families. People said to us: Who you are will change. Who knows what you'll want in a year?

"Nonalcoholic beer is for nonalcoholics." "Near-beer" actually contains a tiny amount of alcohol. We believe we're better off finding beverages that don't remind us of alcohol.

One day at a time. It's too overwhelming to think we'll never use again; we focus on doing whatever it takes to stay clean today. We worry about tomorrow when it comes.

Outside issues. If we are depressed, we get help--therapy, group counseling, antidepressants, economic assistance.

People, places and things. We stay away from anything we identify that reminds us of using. Dealers, party/**** buddies, friends we ran with, or others in our lives who throw off our equilibrium; bars, clubs, baths, certain streets or corners, or other places we associate with copping or using; stems, vials, lighters, thingytail glasses... There's an AA saying: "If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut."

Phone numbers. Telephone numbers are our lifeline. Members who have been around for a while are happy to share their experience, strength, hope--and time. If we want to call our dealer, we call someone from the program instead. For this reason, we always carry the numbers of friends in the program. Many of us make a habit of calling someone, our sponsor or a friend, in the program daily. As for our own phone numbers, many of us changed them to avoid getting tempting calls from dealers and using friends. (See People, places and things, Go to any lengths.)

Play the tape through to the end. When a using craving starts to overwhelm us, we remember one of our last runs all the way through to the end: from the first drink to the bumps in the bathroom and crazy sex, to desperation, paranoia, STDs, hospitals, lost jobs, evictions, busted relationships-whatever brought us into the rooms. After a while, by playing the tape the whole way through whenever we get a craving, we associate using less with the thrill of escape and more with the reality of our addiction and its consequences.

Prayer. Reaching out to a higher power--whether we believe in one or not--has an incredibly calming effect on us. Many of us pray in the morning, asking for help to stay sober another day, and at night, saying a simple thank-you when we make it to bed sober.

"Principles not personalities." This means a couple of things. First, people in the fellowship may sometimes let us down; but the principles of the 12 steps never will. We never let someone else who is working our nerves keep us from seeking the recovery we deserve.

"Progress, not perfection." We try not to be so hard on ourselves. Even Bill W., the founder of AA, had problems.

Shelf. As in "just put that on the shelf." We may feel we have other problems (cigarettes, debt, sexual compulsion, job problems, family issues) in addition to our addiction to crystal meth (methamphetamine), but we postpone dealing with those other problems directly for a while, until we've begun to lead a life free from crystal meth addiction. The stress of dealing with these other problems can make our recovery from addiction more difficult. Just staying sober helps most of our problems start resolving themselves; in time, when we have some recovery under our belts, we take problems off the shelf to be addressed.

Smart feet. Knowing when and where meetings are; having a usual routine; attending meetings even though we are busy, bored or don't want to be bothered, because we know its good for us. "Smart feet" is the impulse to get to a meeting whenever something happens that makes us want to use.

Spirituality. Not to be confused with religion. CMA is a spiritual program of recovery, but the spiritual path in CMA is very personal and individual. In CMA, everyone finds his own higher power and his own way of communicating with it. A lot of us find literature on this topic--from program literature to the Bible or Koran to the writings of Carl Jung or William James--helpful. (See Meditation, Prayer.)

Sponsors. A sponsor is another recovering addict, with a year or more of clean time, who helps mentor us in our recovery.

Steps. There are 12 of them, and they work. The process of self-discovery they describe unfolds organically the longer you stay sober, but it's best to really work on them--with a sponsor. Everyone works the steps in his own way, at his own pace. The only step we have to work perfectly is Step One.

"Stick with the winners." We try to hang out with people who have good attitudes and some clean and sober time in the program.

Suggestions. Most of us needed a lot of humility to come to our first CMA meeting. Admitting that we don't have the answers to our difficulties, as hard as it is, is the source of our serenity. (See Surrender.) People in CMA and other fellowships often offer us feedback. Whatever we may think of them and their "advice," however much we might not want feedback, we have to remember that they wouldn't be telling us something that didn't work for them.



Surrender. Also, "Surrender to win." This is the core of the program; it's really explored in Step Three. Surrender is not defeat, it's joining the winning side. Basically, we are willing to try some other way-ours wasn't getting us anywhere.

"Take what you can use and leave the rest." If a suggestion or concept is confusing or seems contradictory, we set it aside until we are ready. We try not to complicate our programs unnecessarily. (See Shelf.

Traditions. There are 12 of these, too. The code of conduct for the organization, they are the principles that guide CMA meetings and the group as a whole. (See Principles not personalities.)

Triggers. People, places and things that remind us of using, and anything else--a fight, depression, being hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired--that upsets our equilibrium enough to make us want to use.

We are not professionals. We are not doctors. Therefore, we seek professional help for physical or mental problems such as depression or mania; financial counseling; or job training. (See Outside issues.)



"We are only as sick as our secrets." Openness takes the toxic strength out of shame. If something is eating away at us, we share about it at meetings and with our sponsor.

Yets. These are things we have yet to do but that, knowing the way our minds work, we might encounter on our next relapse-smoking, shooting up, heroin, crack, prostitution, jail, homelessness. Addiction is a progressive disease; if we go out, it will most likely be worse next time.

Many people say that recovery didn't work for them. So seldom they are not willing to work for it. We may recover, but our disease is always there waiting for us get complacent, to forget and give it a crack into which to slip through.

This was done for AA but I feel it works for any 12 Step Program.

90 TOOLS FOR SOBRIETY

1 ) Stay away from that first drink, taking the 1st step daily.
2 ) Attend AA regularly and get involved.
3 ) Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME.
4 ) Use the 24 Hour plan.
5 ) Turn your "dis-ease" to a sense of ease. Picture yourself as "recovered."
6 ) Do first things first.
7 ) Don't become too tired.
8 ) Eat at regular hours.
9 ) Use the telephone. (not just after the fact but during too.).
10) Be active - don't just sit around. Idle time will kill you.
11) Use the Serenity Prayer.
12) Change old routines and patterns.
13) Don't become too hungry.
14) Avoid loneliness.
15) Practice control of your anger.
16) Air your resentments.
17) Be willing to help whenever needed.
18) Be good to yourself, you deserve it.
19) Easy does it.
20) Get out of the "IF ONLY" trap.
21) Remind yourself HOW IT WAS. Your last drunk, the feelings etc. Picture better alternatives.
22) Be aware of your emotions. Reason about them.
23) Help another in his/her recovery, extend your hand, listen.
24) Try to turn your life and your will over to your Higher Power.
25) Avoid all mood-altering drugs, read labels on all medicines.
26) Turn loose of old ideas.
27) Avoid drinking situations/occasions.
28) Replace old drinking buddies with new AA buddies.
29) Read the Big Book.
30) Try not to be dependent on another (sick relationships). Be independent or inter-dependent.
31) Be grateful, and when you're not, make a GRATITUDE list.
32) Get off the "Pity Pot"...the only thing you'll get is a ring
around your bottom if you don't.
33) Seek knowledgeable help when troubled and or otherwise.
34) Face it! You are in control of your destiny.
35) Try the 12 and 12, not just 1 and 12 or 1, 12 and 13!
36) Let go and Let God.
37) Use the "God box." (Write down your worries and problems. Put them in the God box. Once you've done so, you can no longer think about them for that day. Use God's answers: yes, no, or wait, I have something better in store for you. Don't forget to say thanks.
38) Find courage to change through the example of others who have.
39) Don't try to test your will power. When in doubt, DON'T. (Or don't, yet.)
40) Live TODAY, not YESTERDAY, not TOMORROW - projection is planning
the results before anything even happens.
41) Avoid emotional involvements the first year - you end up putting
the other person first and lose sight of "your" program.
42) Remember, YOU ARE NOT YOUR DIS-EASE. So, take it easy on yourself.
43) Rejoice in the manageability of your new life.
44) Be humble--Humility is not in thinking of yourself more, but in
thinking more of yourself less often. Watch the ego.
45) Share your experience, strength and hope as much as possible and as creatively as possible.
46) Cherish your recovery.
47) Dump your garbage regularly - GIGO = Garbage In Garbage Out.
48) Get plenty of "restful" sleep.
49) Stay sober for you - not someone else - otherwise it won't work.
50) Practice rigorous honesty with yourself and others.
51) Progress is made ONE DAY AT A TIME, not 10 years in one day!
55) Make no major decisions the first year.
56) Get a sponsor and use him/her.
57) Know that no matter what your problems, someone's had them before.
Don't be afraid to share, as a problem shared is one 1/2 solved.
58) Strive for progress not perfection.
59) When in doubt ask questions. The only stupid question is the one
not asked.
60) Use prayer and meditation.
61) Maintain a balance: spiritual, physical, emotional and mental.
62) Don't use other substances as a maintenance program.
63) Learn to take spot check inventories.
64) Watch out for the RED FLAGS ... things that give excuses for poor
behavior and inevitable relapse.
65) Know that its okay to be human ... just don't drink over it.
66) Be kind to yourself; it's about time, don't you think?
67) Don't take yourself so seriously - take the dis-ease seriously!
68) Know that whatever it is that's causing pain - it shall pass.
69) Stay as far away from the DRY DRUNK SYNDROME as humanly possible.
70) Don't give away more than you can afford oo, your sobriety comes
first and must be the number 1 priority. Protect it at all costs.
71) Take down those bricks from the wall around you; you'll be able to
see the daylight better. Let people know who you are.
72) Get a home group and attend it regularly.
73) Know that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming
train, but actually a ray of hope. Drop the negativity.
74) Know that you are not alone, that's why the "We" is in the steps.
75) Be willing to go to any lengths to stay and be sober.
76) Know that no matter how bleak and dark your past may be, your
future is clean, bright and clear if you don't drink today.
77) Stay out of your own way.
78) Don't be in a hurry--remember "TIME = Things I Must Earn".
79) Watch the EGO. "EGO = Ease God Out".
80) Protect your sobriety at all costs. Keep the light on you.
81) Learn to listen, not just hear. Be open-minded and nonjudgmental.
82) Know that if your insides match your outsides, everyone looks good.
83) If the rest of the world looks bad, check yourself out first.
84) Gratitude is in the attitude.
85) When all else fails ... punt! Up the number of meetings!!!
86) Remember FEAR = FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL!
87) If they knew better, they'd do better. Think about letting things go.
88) Handle what you can and leave the rest, don't overtax yourself.
You can only accomplish so much in a given 24 hours.
89) Honesty and consistency are key factors in recovery.
90) Let the little kid in you out - learn how to laugh from the gut.
-adapted from ideas by Bob

*** Note this list is not necessarily in order. They are but suggestions and items to put in your little TOOL BAG.

[MajestyJo]

This looks more like a donkey than a cow.

http://www.sealitepainthorses.com/cow_angel_flying_hg_clr.gif

Guess I just need to look at what lesson I need to learn in today. I started out having a cow day, but before the day ends, I am sure I will end up making an a$$ of myself. ;)

Donkey/Ass:
Ass or Donkey can teach much about patience and humility. They have wisdom and teaches when to use it with timing. Ass' aids in realizing outer recognition of inner potentials and the strength that comes from internal fortitude. He can aid in showing one how to move with the flow and allow Spirit to work and/or trusting your strengths. It is a time to not be content and complacent while you enjoy the road to the goal. Are you working too hard and not being productive? Are you following your intuition in what you "should do". Is stubbornness hindering you mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Ass will teach you how to listen to your head and heart.

Cow:
Cows can teach us about the home and community and the joy, contentment therein. Cows aid us in realizing to be easy going and live in the moment. They show us about love and connections at work and home. Cow also may demonstrate how to eat properly. Are eating enough fruits and vegetables? Are you happy at home? Cow can teach how to make those changes that are needed to balance to the joy in your surroundings.

[MajestyJo]

OPEN TO THE NEW

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn." -- Alvin Toffler

How willing are you to learn something new? How open are you to new perspectives?

Only when we're open can we really hear what's being said or really see what's happening or really experience the moment.

Openness demands that we be willing to move to places we've never been before. It asks us to continually challenge the foundations of our belief systems so we can test out new ideas. And to do that, we need to accept insecurity.

Be open to seeing things:
- from another's point of view,
- from a higher and more inclusive perspective
- with a beginner's attitude of wonder.

"The struggle of the mind to keep itself free from every sort of bondage -- to remain curious, open, unsatiated in all its relations with nature -- is tenfold more difficult than the cultivation of a stable, satisfying point of view, but a thousandfold more precious."

-- Gardner Murphy

"Remain open. There is something bigger than you know going on here."
-- Iyanla VanZant


From Higher Awareness - something I posted on another site in 2004

Being open to other concepts than my own was not an easy task for Ms. Perfection. To let go of the old tapes that had been playing in my head for years, to learn not to give them creadence, but recognize them for what they were and put them aside for an alternative solution wasn't easy.

When you have been told for years about 'life' from people you thought were "in the know" only to find that their truth didn't work for you, was a difficult concept to grasp.

I had become very introverted and to open myself up meant to become vulnerable, and fear of being hurt again made me want to build the wall higher instead of removing the bricks so I could see beyond what was in front of me.

The Fellowship is a great construction crew. They helped me to tear down those wall, and help me build a new foundation of principles on which to build my life on.

Seems to be the lesson for today, posted on this topic in another section under open mind/unmade mind.

Like this picture that looks a little cluttered, I need to do some housecleaning and get rid of what I don't need.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VwEIkXADacU/U39hgM0eM0I/AAAAAAACGok/dMvisK7FPXQ/s1600/goodmorning+(1).gif

[MajestyJo]

For so many years, I had no discipline or routine in my life. I flew by the seat of my pants or everything was in its place, and I didn't want to change anything.

There never seemed to be any balance. I could get caught up in the same old, and not initiate anything new. I would feel bored, depressed, and aggrevated and didn't know what the cause was. Complacency can be a dangerous thing. Yet the opposite is true as well. I can be so caught up in busy, fill my day up with 'things' and run away from myself and not see where I am at in my journey.

I can get caught up in the people in my life and find myself again focusing outward instead of inward.

My focus has been on health issues and I haven't had much time for socializing or just going and having fun. With doctor's appointments and physiotherapy, I don't have much energy left to do much more than be a home body.

posted on another site in 2009

Reading this makes me realize that I am there again. I have tried to make an effort to get out to more meetings, but it doesn't happen. As they say, the road is paved with good intentions, yet I need to follow thought with action.

Today it is too windy and rainy, but yesterday wasn't. I had planned to go and didn't get out the door. I was in pain and hurting, as my leg kept giving out. Other times, I just have to find acceptance. I don't find the lack as long as I can make it to the site. It is good, but you can't beat f2f meetings and getting a hug.

https://www.myptsd.com/c/attachments/friend-frogs-on-a-lily-pad-gif.5745/

[MajestyJo]

Question of the day...what do you believe is the greatest unsolved mystery? There are many mysteries that are unsolved.

The great mystery to me is "How come there are so few people in Al-Anon." So many qualify, alcoholism affects to many people. The 12 Steps are applicable to all areas of our life. So bad that the stigma is still so strong in today.

I know why know one wants to go to AA or Al-Anon, yet it mystifies me how people can be shown a way to get help and still they say, "No!" The nature of the disease and the nature of the human race.

I have always been fascinated by the Egyptian architect. I know how it was done, the blood, sweat and tears of thousands upon thousands of slaves. It is sad when you think how far back people have been using people to get what they want. You give to me and when I don't need you any more, you are out of here!

I like anything to do with the settling of the old west, yet again it was Native Indians, Chinese, and what they call White Trash that did a lot of the labour. It doesn't take much for a person to get full of themselves and think they are better than others.

http://www.iihs.com/images/prayer3.gif

[MajestyJo]

"Walk Softly and Carry a Big Book" - Book

No matter how fast or how far you go, you can't outrun God.


What a marvellous thought. I have seen so many people leave the fellowship when they hear people talk about God, Jesus, and religious beliefs.

They can't seem to grasp that this is a spiritual program and all religions are included, along with those who don't believe in any type or concept of God.

It is God as I understand Him, not as you understand Him. Not how you understand Him and it is your duty to tell me that I should believe in your God too.

I found that spirituality enhanced my religious beliefs. My religious beliefs enhanced my spiritual beliefs. I felt that I was doubly blessed. My God is so much bigger than I ever thought He could be. I call my God Him because it is much easier to say that then He/She/It. My God is as He/She/It reveals themselves to me in today.

I left God and the church many years ago. I returned to the church and left again. It was in AA and Al-Anon that I found the answers. Before going there, I could stop, but couldn't stay stopped. As a result of finding a spiritual way of life, I have been able to stop one day at a time for several 24 hours.

If you bring the body, the mind and soul will follow.

Posted on another site in 2012.

You can't outrun God! He is there whether you don't see or believe in Him. There is someone or some thing that makes the world go round and I am not the Source.

Don't leave someone outside the circle. This is a we program and not for the selected few. Many people need the program, but it works best for those who want it.

It is a Spiritual Program, based on no particular form of religion or concept. As my service sponsor said to me, "I don't care who your God is as long as it is not You!

http://briannedrouhard.com/blog2008/moocowmoo.gif

[MajestyJo]

A hot tub for the mind

"Imagine a hot tub for the mind. That is what meditation is; it can bathe your mind in relaxing thoughts."

-- Eknath Easwaran

With today’s fast pace of life, too many of us don’t have any sense of how it feels to be free of stress. It’s difficult to relax if we have physical pain or irritation, strong negative emotions or scattered, worrisome thoughts.

The practice of meditation helps us find the peace within that is so elusive in our outer world.

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths, or the turning inwards in prayer for five short minutes."

-- Etty Hillesum

The reading I posted today about a Hot Tub for the Mind has stayed with mey.

I would like one for my whole body. Yet never thought of my mind as needing a good 'soak' too.

It doesn't matter what our choices were in the past or in the future. When we meet a roadblock, come up to a wall, or the end of a road, we often need to stop, connect with our Higher Power as ask for help.

In order to do that, we need to clear our mind, let go of all the chatter and inner dialogue. I need to get out of my own way so my God can work through me. In order to do that, I need to cleanse my mind of anything that gets in the way.

Easy to say, but not always easy to do. It takes practice, practice, practice.

www.meditationcenter.com/healing/color.html

This was posted on another site in 2011.

Glad that this link still works. I know certain things, but senility and seniority often makes me forget. I do this in short form some times, but don't always give it much thought unless I go to the Holistic center for a treatment.

May the White Light heal you and cleanse you of all things that are not in your best interest in your life, just for today.

http://zbit.blox.pl/resource/mysz_1_animowana.gif

[MajestyJo]

Being present in the moment, is the solution to most of my fears, worries and anxiety. If in the moment, it is such a small space in time, there is no room for anything else. As Zen puts it, Hell is big and there is no space for it, in the moment.

When I am in the moment, I am not looking over my shoulder at yesterday or yesteryear or I am not projecting into the future, which is later today or tomorrow.

I had no concept of this when I was using, but it has been a gift in today. It has been one of practice, practice, practice and remembering that was then, this is now. It has taken a lot of meditation and awareness as to where I am in the day. When I remember to stay in the moment, live in the moment, I better see the picture, the whole picture as it applies to me in today. Perception and reality are true and not false or as I would have them be, and I am not carrying around a lot of demons and dragons with me.

It is nice to have a thought in today, only to go back and look at an old post and have your thoughts affirmed. It doesn't matter if it is 2004 or 2016, the program still work when I work it.

http://angelwinks.ca/images/generalpod/generalpod1292.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Getting honest, self-honesty was difficult. I had lied to myself for so many years that it was hard to face the reality of my life. I had ignored my needs for so many years, I didn't know what I needed for myself.

I had lived my life through other people all my life and what every they wanted, I agreed, role played and wore the mask I needed to fit in and get along with no honest thought if it was good for me or if it met my needs. I didn't know I had them, and that I had a right to have them filled.

I was used by so many people that it was difficult to recognize that it was abuse and that I no longer had to put up with it and that I could set boundaries and take care of myself.

When I came into recovery, I had to put my sobriety first. I had to get honest with me and look at what I needed for my own growth and healing.

With my upbringing, I had been cash register honest. I remember feeling guilty because I walked out of a store wearing a thimble I forgot that I had tried on. I wasn't even in the department for me, I was with my girlfriend. I never did the 'sew' thing. I even remember that the thimble cost 45 cents. Needless to say, that was a long time ago. It happened before I started drinking. When I got honest, I realized that I had stollen time from my employers, I took sick time and often stayed home from work and school as a result of my father and mother. I robbed me of many things as a result of it and had to make amends to myself in many areas.

As the Big Book says, I was judging me by my intentions and others were judging me by my actions. I had to learn to walk my talk. I realized that this was a 24 hour program, not a 2-4 hour a day program. It was for living and the more I got honest the more I healed. They told me I was only as sick as my secrets. There was my secrets and those of others, that I had taken on and had to let go of and recognize what was mine and what was not. I had to recognize what no longer served me in today and were feeling, thoughts and actions as part of my 'isms' of my disease and find what I needed to recover.

When I could get honest with me, I could be honest with you. I use to be highly offended if anyone even suggested that I was a liar. In fact I halled off and slapped a girl and sent her flying because she did. She was 4'11" and 100 lbs. and a mouth twice her size. It ended up it was the culmination of a lot of things and I lost it. She was my sister's best friend and I had gotten a job in my department at work. It was a combination of her actions at home and at work. It was not a good thing working and living with someone, especially when she felt like she had to make up for her lack of size with agression. She was standing beside the bed in the spare room and she landed on it. She had told me something would fit and I said it wouldn't and if you tried to make it fit it harmed other things. She kept arguing and was verbally abusive and I reacted. I never realized that the person I lied to the most was myself. It was one of the few times I acted out my anger instead of internalizing it.

Honesty is one of the main principles of this program needed to work all of the Steps.

Something I posted on another site in 2009

Without true honesty, I can't find acceptance, willingness, forgiveness, and other spiritual principles of the program.

[MajestyJo]

The following are posts I made on another site in June 2005

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol/alcoholics-that our lives had become unmanageable.


As I have grown in the program, I have come to realize that my powerlessness is over many things, not just alcohol, but my self-admitted alcoholic son, my habits, my thought patterns, and life as a whole.

I am not the power; although for many years' I thought I was. What I have come to find out is that when I surrender, turn it over and ask for help, then I am 'empowered' to do what I need to do for myself.

The problem is but a symptom of my disease, often it is my thinking along with my actions, that I need to change.

Part of what kept me from doing this Step 100% was my denial. Assuming I had the power to change or that I was in control. Control is an illusion which only keeps me sick.

During the next week I invite you all to share on what this Step has meant to you in your recovery, how you apply it to your life. How you apply this Step into your life today and share how it was in 'yesteryear' for the newcomers on the board.

Topics and spiritual principles which apply to this Step:

- powerlessness
-unmanageability
-honesty
-surrender
-acceptance
-control
- denial

[MajestyJo]

This Step was the beginning of a new life and a new awareness for me. I often think they put the '-' into this Step because there isn't enough space to list all the things that I am powerless over, and all the things that I used to search for that something outside of myself to make me happy, content, and regain 'control' of my life.

I had no concept of the word 'powerless' until I substituted it for the word control. When I looked back on my life I realized that it was all an illusion. No matter how much I tried to control my drinking, there was always more. I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped. When I picked up, I wasn't sure how much picking I would end up doing or where it would take me or what would happen.

Everytime I picked up, I gave away a piece of me. My self-will, my self-esteem, my self-respect, etc. I lost my values, my principles and my determination, everything went out the window, my life was always centered around the alcohol or the alcoholic. The person (son, father, mother, husbands, boyfriends, neighbors, sponsees, friends and family memembers), place (my bed, the bar, the Legion, the kitchen, the stores, the work place, the church, the gym, etc.), and things (drugs (prescription and street), alcohol (a drug too), computer, cards, food, and more.... took over my life and my thinking, and governed my thoughts.

I become obsessive compulsive, and when I have a taste be it thought, physical and emotionally, I always want more, unless I surrender the situation over to the God of my understanding. When I came in, I didn't have much concept of letting go, let alone a belife in God which was to follow as a result of working the Steps.

The first five Stpes of change for me are:

Awareness of my problem (challenge)
Admittance of that problem
Acceptance of the problem
Action to change the problem
Attitude adjustment that I am "powerless" and my life is unmanageable or I need to change my attitude so I can take action to bring about change.

My sponsor told me that the word problem is negative and that if I use the word challenge, it could be overcome. The substance isn't the problem, I am. It is about changing me and my attitude to bring about change.

P. 569 (Third Edition) Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous

[MajestyJo]

In the Al-Anon's Twelve and Twelve, I changed the wording so others could identify from alcohol to people, places and things.

There is a difference that some people don't recognize. l) That once the alcoholic has picked up, he is no longer in control and is acting out in his disese.
2) That even though he is not actively using, he is still under the influence and has the thinking patterns unless he has experienced the spiritual changes in his life.
3) That alcohol is a killer and no respector of persons and it is a disease that affects the whole family.

I only saw my father drunk twice. Once when I was eight years old and again when I was fourteen, yet his disease affected my whole life. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until my mother died when I was twenty, and he no longer had to hide his drinking.

My 'isms' came from my mother, my father was never there, so how could he have passed much onto me. It was my mother's use of food and her 'bed' (isolation) that affect my thinking and actions. I never had a sit down conversaton with my father until I was twenty-six years old; then I made the decision to become his drinking buddy.

My sponsor told me that I could only do the first half of the first Step 100% and it needed to be 100% or I would pick up again. If I didn't have the honesty and acceptance of my disease and the willingness to surrender it to the program, then I would not stay clean and sober (soundness of mind).

This has been a big truth for me. When I get caught up in life, my life can again become unmanageable. It isn't the drinking and drugging, I have been clean for 13 years, 9 months, and 11 days; it is my thinking, my actions, my attitude that can slip into old behaviors and I can find myself with unmanageability. A friendship gone astray, a relationship broken, a job gone, a bill that has accumulated, etc. which can take me back into the obsessive compulsiveness of active addiction.

I firmly believe we slip (you can only slip if you have something to lose) into these old ways because we have had lapses long before we pick up. Like stopping going to meetings (need to go for attitude adjustments), picking up the phone (isolation is unhealthy, me alone with me tells me I am just 'fine'), and no spirutal connection of the fellowship leaves me without the "good orderly direction" that I need to stay clean and sober. This is a program of reflection. I was told that for every finger I pointed at someone else, I had three coming back at me. When I become judgmental, and think I know and start looking at others, then my own life is unmanageable, because 3 pointers lead to 12 issues of my own that I need to deal with. After awhile, I get tired I don't know about you, but this happened to me at 7 years sober when I got into a relationship in recovery for the first time. It got so bad that I was willing to count the pieces of toilet paper that he used on each roll in my apartment and charge him accordingly for rent on the use of my chair, my TV, my time and energies for cooking his meals (he said he liked sitting down in my restaurant).

In today, I can look back and laugh at myself. Believe me it was not a healthy place to be.

Thank you for letting me share.

[MajestyJo]

Honesty was a biggy for me. I thought I got honest first, and realized it was what came last to me.

I was cash register honest mainly because of the spiritual principles taught to me growing up and for the most part when it came to monetary things.

When I got true honesty, I realized that I stole time, affection, ideas, and was very selfish and self-centered. It was all about me and what I wanted.

I had to get honest about my own disease. Not my father's, my mother's, my husband's, my son's, my friends and coworkers, but be honest about me.

I lived my life through other people. I had a lot of sick people in my life that I tried to help and find acceptance through because of my own low self-worth and self-esteem. I was always looking for validation and affirmation from others and unable to honestly like myself. I was so busy caretaking others that I didn't have time for me. I didn't know how to give to me and didn't think I was worthy and deserving of respect.

I not only found courage and fortitude in the bottle and pills but through people. I think the using of people caused more hurt than that when I was drinking. When I was drinking, there was always the bottle, but it took me to other people and I always wanted to belong and be a part of. This is the nice part of finding recovery, I finally found like I had come home and truly belonged, not feeling like I was on the outside looking in and not participating in my own life.

How many times I was told to 'do' and 'did' whether I wanted to or not. I had to get honest and find out what I truly liked, loved, accepted, and believed in not what my spouses, my son, my parents, my clergy, my friends, my co-workers, etc. told me was truth. I had to find my own. I no longer had to say, "How high?" when I was told to jump. I was able to get honest and say, "Do I realy want to jump?"

I am powerless, when I give up my power. Until I could get truly honest, I didn't know that I couldn't make anyone do anything, I didn't know that I wasn't responsible for other people's actions, I didn't know that I could say "No!"

My immediate thought when I see 'surrender' is "No Never!" And so it should be, I should never give up, what I need to do is give over.

Surrender to win! When I give up the power by saying, "God I can't do this any more, I need your help!" I am empowered to do what I need to do for myself. God doesn't do for me what I can do for myself. The best part is that when I turn it over to Him, He gives me the courage, the strength, the willingness (sometimes I have to pray for the willingness to be willing), the guidance, the motivation and encouragement for me to move on and make changes in my life. When life is the same old, same old, there is a very good chance that I am not growing in the fellowship of the Spirit and if I get really honest, there have been some doors have opened and I was too caught up in self to walk through. I was not willing to take a risk and get out of the old enemy complacency and instead of surrendering each day daily, I just give over what is comfortable for me.

Like the old pair of running shoes I like talking about. They are just so comfortable and seem to just fit my feet, yet they do look a little shabby and worse for wear. When I give in and buy a new pair, the new ones are stiff and not very pliable in the moment, feel awkward and strange and often I develop a blister or two. Yet in the long run, they become comfortable, they look good and I start feeling better and able to handle life as it comes much better. I can walk taller, walk faster, and walk proud.

[MajestyJo]

Acceptance is the key to Serenity. The answer to all chaos and when I can accept that things are as they should be in the moment, then I can live a much more peaceful life.

I didn't think I was an alcoholic because I compared instead of indentifying. I didn't pass out, and I could walk a straight line, and I didn't have black outs, and I didn't drink beer (didn't like the taste), and then I asked myself, if I am not an alcoholic, what am I? As I went to meetings, I stayed sober and I opened my mind and listened and slowly but surely, I recognized old thinking and action patterns. I was glad that I went to AA first before I went to Adult Children of Alcoholics because I would have stayed in my denial longer and continued to play the blame game. It was always someone or something else that I blamed for my problems instead of taking responsibility for myself and my choices.

I had a lot of high expectations which stood in the way of my total acceptance of my disease. A lot of them were projected onto me, and when I couldn't live up to them, which was often because they were so high, I used. I always felt less than and thought I was a failure and the lowest of the low and figured that God didn't accept me. Like everything else, it had to come from within me. Today I am grateful to be an alcoholic because it led me to the 12 Steps of recovery.

I learned to accept the fact that I couldn't handle life and that I used people, places and things to validate me, to give me courage, to help me escape my reality and when I focused on something or someone else then I didn't have to look at me.

When I accept that nothing happens in the world by mistake, I can be at peace. As a friend use to say, "That's not odd, that's God." I had to go through what I had to go through to get to the doors of recovery and once there, I could share my experience, strength and hope with others. I have a story to tell, and to keep my sobriety, to continue to grow, I must share it. What is important is that I have something to give, and in order to obtain that I had to work the Step and continue to work them as I grew in awareness because life is forever changing.

I needed to accept the fact that my disease is in remission one day at a time, and when I stop doing the do things, it will make itself known to me. I will always be an alcoholic, and can't drink safely. This is a progressive disease and it is really scarey to think what would happen to me if I picked up after 13 years and where I would end up. I have no doubt that I would die.

We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank) that our lives had become unmanageable.

There is a lesson that I learned a long time ago, when I was still in school. Learning the meaning of the words lets you understand and incorporate this knowledge.

The first word that I would like to look at in this Step is Power.

As defined by Webster's Dictionary
2 a : possession of control, authority, or influence over others

The next word that I would like to examine is - unmanageable. To understand what unmanageable is we must first look at the antonym manage.

Which is defined by Webster's as:-
1 : to handle or direct with a degree of skill: as a : to make and keep compliant ( b) : to treat with care : (c) : to exercise executive, administrative, and supervisory direction of.

[MajestyJo]

Control is what I call the "C" word. Not only because it is part of the three "Cs" but because I couldn't comprehend the word powerlessness until I substituted this word.

All my life I tried to control, to be in control, and all my life no matter what I did, I got hurt anyway.

Control is an illusion. The one it hurts the most is me, yet like my days of using, it hurts those around me. My intentions were good, I thought my motives were good, I didn't know I was trying to play God with other people's lives, including my own.

I tried controlled drinking for many years. It didn't work. Even if I didn't have more, I always thought more, and I was never at peace. In my relationships, I was always looking for love and attention, and there just never seemed to be enough. Today I know that what ever I took, it couldn't have possibly filled up the emptiness within me. I was empty, with no self-love and all I took fell on fallow ground.

When I try to control my life, it leads me back to insanity. It takes me away from God and back into active addiction. Even if I don't physically pick up my drug of choice, my thinking can go before me.

Denial gets in the way of my full recovery. It keeps me sick and prevents me from finding the total acceptance of my disease. Unless I can take the first half of this step 100% I open myself to relapse.

Many say relapse is part of recovery. Relapse is part of my disease. You have to have something in order to have laspes or slips in your thinking which takes you back drinking.

Denial allowed me to keep an open door with one foot in recovery and the option of putting the other one back to living on the edge, back to the caretaking of others and not taking care of myself, back to looking for some person, place or things to blame for my life and my decisions.

Recovery is all about me. When I deny that fact, I stay sick. It doesn't matter how many people around me are using or what they are using; it is my reaction and how I deal with these people that is the problem, unless I can find the solution. The soluton for me was the Steps. Learning how to apply them to my life. To heal, to grow, to find the real me, and not live through other people's concept, ideas, projections, identities and find my own truth.

In today, I am an addict. I used people, places and things to escape reality and to help me cope with life. One day at a time, I do get better. I am a recovering addict whose drug of choice can still be more....

Each morning I have to take this Step. I am powerless over people, places and things and my life is unmanageable when managed by me.

[MajestyJo]

Feel the truth In every moment, in every circumstance there is a new truth to be discovered. Life is rich with possibilities for deeper, more profound understanding.

You are, at the same time, all-encompassing essence and also a particular momentary expression of that essence. You live in this moment and you live beyond it.

Discovering truth is a matter of confirming in experience what you already know in your essence. The way you know it is truth is because it resonates so perfectly within the depth of who you are.

Truth is not something you must be told. Truth is truth because you recognize it so completely.

Living successfully in this moment and in this world is a matter of connecting your outer life to your inner truth. The most effective, fulfilling choice in any situation is to live the truth of who you are.

In pure truth there is no fear, no worry, no anxiety or anger. Feel the truth that is within you, and let it guide your every choice.

-- Ralph Marston

Just last night was sharing with someone about this. It is about finding our truth. Experiencing our own life and no longer living it through others.

For me, it is about not playing old tapes, but making new ones in living colour!

What do I believe in? What do I want for my life? What do I need for my own health and wel being so that I can be there for others? When I am focusing on others and not on my own recovery, the well runs dry. I need to remember that I need food for the body, mind and spirit.

Can't fault the last statement. If I am living in those feeling, I am not working my program or not working it to the best of my ability. When fear is near, God is here. I need to have faith in that. That is my truth.

There is negative in life. That is a given. It is what I can do to change it into a positive that matters. Turning a blind eye and pretending that it isn't there isn't the solution.

This was posted at Recovery Inn in 2010

In today, I see the disease through my son. He thinks I don't understand, because he used my drugs of choice and moved onto other things. He things because he uses other drugs, it makes him different. He doesn't want to admit the problem is him not me. It is not the substance, it is the dis-ease.

Often what I thought was my truth was self-justification.

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[MajestyJo]

All my life it seems that I have been in competition. I always wanted to be number one, I wanted to be the center of attention, and my whole attitude was "Feast your eyes upon me, I'm here, I'm here, it's too good to be true, but I'm here, I'm here!" It was a name of a song way back when, and I took it as my theme song.

When I came into recovery, there wasn't much of that bravado left. I was an empty shell. I looked at everyone and I compared instead of identify and I stayed sick. I had to stay away from open speaker meetings because I would walk away and say I didn't do that, or I would shut down and I wouldn't listen, and I wouldn't be open to anything the speaker said.

Today thanks to recovery that is no longer true. I use to look around the rooms and say, "I want what they have!" Today, I go into the rooms, and there are few people who have what I haven't already been given or made aware of. That is not bragging, it is fact. I have worked very, very hard on my recovery for the past twelve years. I have had people come up to me and say, "I want what you have!" I respond with, "Well unless you are prepared to work really really hard and do lots and lot of service, you won't get it." They generally end up walking away.

Many times in recovery it has been lonely, because I have joined groups and women have left. Ironically, I am not in competition. I am not out to run a race. I don't want anyone's man. For most of my recovery, I wouldn't have taken him in a lucky bag, I had a lot of anger issues around men and my past. I had some with women too and that is why I joined a Woman's Group for the first three years of my recovery, and why I am in a CA Women's Group today.

The fellowship is small, it need support, and I have been give many gifts in recovery, much awareness, and a spiritual connection with my God, who has granted me a lot of blessings. I believe those blessing were a result of service, nothing more, nothing less.

I am not bad looking for an old lady, and I find it rather humorous to have women draw their men away from talking to me, I have had women leave the room when I started to share, and I never had a black out when I was drinking but I have in sobriety. I have had at least four relationships that I don't remember feeling a thing.

I was anxious last night when I went to detox that the newcomers may not identify and would shut down and shut off because I was there for CA and I have never used Cocaine or Crack in my life. But the substance doesn't matter, and thankfully I was able to put that message across. The problem is me, and the Twelve Steps are to fix me not my addiction because I have a thinking problem, not a drinking and drug problem, the man one God and I are still working on, although the new relationship is coming up to one year.

Alcohol and drug cause a soul sickness. It is a family disease and affects not just the addict and alcoholic, it affects those around them.

I have been given so much, that at two years I wanted to tell the world. At twelve years, I have been given the opportunity. At three years I quesitoned my existance, my reason for being. I went to two meetings a day for two years and at least once a day I heard, "Give back what was given to you!"

My tongue was a weapon for many years, I tore strips off of people, I took them apart and forgot to put them back together again. My way of making amends to these people is to share the knowledge that has been given to me, that comes my way from great spiritual teachers, from the newest of newcomers, to the oldest long-timer. Up until two years ago when I took sick, I was still doing seven to 10 face to face meetings a week because of service.

I was told if you aren't in a relationship, get involved in service. If you are having difficulty in your own life, get out of yourself by helping others. If you want to keep it, you have to give it away, but the key is, you have to have it to give.

My spiritual advisor told me that I can learn two things in recovery. How to work it and how not to work it. Take what you need and put the rest on the shelf, although for the first few years it was 'forget' the rest.

Please, don't compare identify. I don't want your recovery and I hope you don't want mine because you may get drunk or go out and use if you do. Please find your own.

Posted on another site in 2004.

It is something I still need to remember. We didn't all travel the same path to get to the doors of recovery. We don't always follow the same ideas as to what we need for our recovery in today. I just know that I am on a journey and I hope you will share your journey with me. Hopefully, we have one goal. To stay clean and sober in today.

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[MajestyJo]

Changing Worry Habits

"That the birds of worry and care fly about your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent."

- Chinese Proverb

Worry can light on our shoulders or sink its teeth into our flesh.
Worry can become such a habit that it may actually take over most of our waking and dreaming hours. Worry can break down our immune system and weaken our natural ability to fight illness. For some people worry is a full-time job and life companion. How much do each of us worry each day?
This is a good question to ask when we are ready to get serious about changing our worry habits..

Once we have identified how and when we worry, we are ready to reverse the pattern. Progress, not perfection, is the key in changing our worry habits. With an open mind and willing heart we have the power to change our habit of worry into one of trust. We know as we make this change that our Higher Power is truly at work in our lives.

Today let me begin to replace my worry with trust and faith in my ability to use my resources to face whatever life brings to me

Antesian Road To Enlightenment

antesianroadtoenlightenment-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Love this, it reminds me that I can't allow things to rent space in my head.

Worry can be such a worrisome thing! It is not easy to let it go.

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[MajestyJo]

Balance

Tonight at the meeting I attended, I was glad that it was a woman speaker. As I said earlier, I felt like I needed a meeting where I could sit back, shut up and listen.

The speaker mentioned the word balance only once. She said she had a problem with it. I could so identify. For me, it is an Aries thing. Our opposite sign is Libra, which is balance personified. I went over to thank her for sharing and I said, "You wouldn't happen to be an Aries would you?" She said, "Yes!" Her birthday is a day after mine. I gave her my definition of an Aries, "The left foot is moving forward and the right food doesn't know it has to move yet." It can cause you to stumble and lose balance.

I need to get out of the way so I don't stumble over my own feet that can take me in the wrong direction.

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[MajestyJo]

An important part of my recovery has been getting active in service. It started simple, setting up the meetings, helping to clear up, but with my physical health not up to full par, the place I liked the most was being on the door and being a greeter.

I was told my a co-sponsor of mine in early recovery, "You are only half a hand shake you know!" and since then, I have always tried to remember to stick out my hand and say, "Hi, my name is..."

Sometimes that hello has all we have to offer. We can't give away what we don't already have. If I am living in chaos and turmoil, then I am not in a position to give away peace and serenity. Who I am in today, is the message I carry. I can't share what I haven't experienced, because then it is coming from the head and not from the heart. Yet this is a program of paradoxes, if the place I am coming from is my head and that is where I am at, that is okay. The longest journey in recovery is from the head to the heart. The ability to feel our true feelings and deal with them.

When I had two years sober, I got involved in work at the local jail and detox center. I also went back to the treatment center I went to at three months sober. I didn't have sobriety, because I just wasn't aware of me and my life. Sobriety means soundness of mind for me, but it also means more. It means be finding myself and being comfortable with me and who I am in today and not having to use outside sources to maintain my life style.

I have had several lapses along my journey where in the moment I know I have used food, work, relationships, television, books, my computer, etc. to escape where I was at in the moment, but thanks to the tools of the program, I am able to become aware and make the change to bring myself back to where God would have me be on this new road of living.

The relapse that would kills me faster than anything would be to pick up a cigarette. It would kills me faster than if I chose to go back to using my pills and picked up a drink. It would not only kill me physically but it would kill the spiritual and emotional sobriety that I have today. I know because I still have major craving after quitting five years ago. It has been the hardest thing in recovery for me to give up.

When I get these cravings, the best thing for me to do is to get out of self and do service. Whether it is to come here and post, to pick up the phone, go to a meeting, it takes me out of where I am at in a healthy and productive way. Service helped me with my self-esteem, self-worth and self-respect. But the greatest gift was self-honesty, because when I share with others, I remember when and when I work with others there are a reflection of my Higher Self. What it use to be like, what happened and what it is like today! I try to ask myself how much have I changed, and I generally end up with the self-knowledge, you are far from fixed yet, just keep coming, then you won't have to come back.

Thanks for letting me share.

This was something I posted in 2004. That was a long time ago. How time flies. So glad I am still here.

Keep coming so you don't have to come back.

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[MajestyJo]

The well-known maxim, "While there is life there is hope," has deeper meaning in reverse: "While there is hope there is life."

Hope comes first, life follows. Hope gives power to life. Hope rouses life to continue, to expand, to grow, to reach out, to go on.

Hope sees a light where there isn't any.

Hope lights candles in millions of despairing hearts.

Hope is the miracle medicine of the mind. It inspires the will to live. Hope is the physician's strongest ally.

Hope is man's shield and buckler against defeat.

"Hope," wrote Alexander Pope, "springs eternal in the human breast." And as long as it does man will triumph and move forward.

Hope never sounds retreat. Hope keeps the banners flying.

Hope revives ideals, renews dreams, revitalizes visions.

Hope scales the peak, wrestles with the imposible, achieves the highest aim.

"The word which God has written on the brow of every man," wrote Victor Hugo, "is Hope." As long as man has hope no situation is hopeless."

- Wilfred A. Peterson

The 12 Promises of AA gave me hope and they are what kept coming back. I wanted that new freedom and a new happiness that the first one offered. When I walked through the doors of AA, I got hope. I saw people staying clean and sober, doing what I had been trying to do for eight long years. I couldn't comprehend years, but days and months gave me a realistic goal. Before, I could stop, but I couldn't stay stopped. In today, I have stopped using, one day at a time for 25 years.

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[MajestyJo]

THREE GREAT LESSONS OF LIFE -

The Turtle, The Frogs & The Pretty Lady
Author Unknown
June 17, 2010

We learn a lot through our experiences in life. The following 3
examples of TURTLES, FROGS and THE PRETTY LADY teach us some lesson.

Enjoy reading the same and do ponder over them.

*****

The Turtles

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being
naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their
outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable
place. During the second year of their journey they found a place
ideal for them at last!

For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic
basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five
years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the
oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'

[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our
expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we do not do anything ourselves.]

*****

The Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.

The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'

[ Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you,
remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember
that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]

*****

The Pretty Lady

Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together.
They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged.
They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.

The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet.. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily.

When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her.

All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.

Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not
stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite

The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'

[This very old story reflects the thinking of many people today.

We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away. We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river.

This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.


Lessons are good any time.

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[MajestyJo]

The Three headed Dragon

Long long ago in ancient times in a far away place..over the sea and though the valleys there was a place called SELF.
In Self was many villages and towns. Self was run by a King..kindhearted soul, benelovent to His people.
The Three headed dragon came through Self, plundedring & reaping, damages to homes and the townsfolf and outlying villages.
The king saw the grief and the loss of his peole and thought long and hard on what could be done.
Finally it came to him. Slay the dragon...

He gathered his very best men, two of them , and said..This may be dangerous but we must slay the dragon.
The two guards agreed and went forth from the castle to find the dragon.
Weeks passed....then came the awaited day for the king
There was a messenger saying the guards were returning.
the guards came to the King and said here is the head of the dragon...He is dead.
The King put out the word and celebrations began
the townsfolk and the villagers came together & honored the guards
With the feast the King prepared
they began plans & started rebuilding
All was well within the world of Self.

Yet there was an ominousness no one could describe
But they were grateful nonethe less for the Peace


Hence the dragon returned
It had regrown the ugly head --more fugly than before
And once again there were fires with
Flames that shot from the dragon's nostrils for miles
and Plundering and such destruction.
People died and the loss was great.

The King was saddend by this.
He suffered loss too
And the loss he saw in his people componded his own great loss.

He knew once again they must slay the dragon.
He banded together his strongest men
One of his greatest armies and told them what he had told the guards
"This may be dangerous but we must slay the dragon."
He asked if they were willing and they agreed
The army went forth from the castle and gathered their equipment and their armor.

They left--knowing it was dangerous...
knowing the loss the dragon had created fueled them with energy

Weeks passed...then a month...the dragon was sly
He hid from them
he toyed with them but finally after many strategic maneuvers
They had him and they cut two heads off
they returned to the castle and the King.

To the King they said here two heads of the dragon...He is dead.
The King put out the word and celebrations began
the townsfolk and the villagers came together in honor of the guards
With the feast the King prepared .
They began plans & started rebuilding
All was well within the world of Self.

Yet, once again, there was an ominousness no one could describe
But they were grateful none the less for the Peace

A short time after all rebuilding was complete
there was that familiar sound
Hissing, thundering, Peals of fire
and once again there was tremendous horrible destruction.
The loss and the destruction was greater than they had ever known.
There was mourning, crying, sadness, despair and desolation in the serene place known as Self.

The King was dismayed and said "Good God Almighty....HELP!"
it was more like a prayer.

The King went on to bed after this and tried to sleep
but sleep would not come
His soul was tormented and in anguish.
Suddenly a light appeared in the corner of his room.
the King rubbed his eyes, shook his head,
The light was still there
the light then became a vision
In this vision the solution came
there within a grave in this vision the dragon was in a grave minus all three heads.

The next morning the King called several armies together and said
This must cease!!
I had a vision and in the vision the solution came to me
The dragon must be slayed and this time all three heads must be destroyed to end this once and for all time.

No one backed out...
All soldiers were willing.
For they loved their place called SELF.
They said what they needed to say to their families and
They went forth after they gathered their belongings and their equipment.

It was a very long time but the day did come when once again the messenger shouted the arrival of the armies to the king.
The King was anxious and met them at the gate.
The leaders of the armies came forward with haste
to speak to the King.
In earnest they told him of the losses within their ranks..
The dragon, they said, was cunning baffling and powerful.
he hid from us, manipulated us, toyed and played with us
But because banding the armies together makes us a tenasious group
we do have all three heads of the dragon.

Soon the remainder of their armies came forward and yes there they were
With them were all three heads of the dragon.
They had been victrorius, They had conqured the dragon.
Two men alone couldn't do it
One band of soldiers couldn't do it
But banding them all together
The dragon was slayed a
And finally with a sense of relief self celebrated and rejoiced...
The king put on his very best feast and all came from miles around.
There was dancing in the streets,
There was Peace at last...
At long Last there was peace in the land called SELF.


Herein lies the moral of the story...The dragon was King alcohol...the three heads were named [not in order] One was named The use or substance
Another was named delusional thinking [aka: Stinkin thinkin]
Last one was Emotions --this included the spiritual malady

All three had to be dealt with for Self to be victorius and successful over King alcohol.

http://www.animateit.net/data/media/28/dragons5.gif

[MajestyJo]

This is a post that I found on another site made by BW, it could already be posted here. I am posting it now, because it spoke to me. It is a good reminder to me to take a look at myself to see where I am at in today.

http://heathersanimations.com/dragon/ANIM27.gif

[MajestyJo]

A Cockeyed Optimist lyrics
"South Pacific" soundtrack

Nellie:
When the sky is a bright canary yellow
I forget ev'ry cloud I've ever seen,
So they called me a cockeyed optimist
Immature and incurably green.
I have heard people rant and rave and bellow
That we're done and we might as well be dead,
But I'm only a cockeyed optimist
And I can't get it into my head.
I hear the human race
Is fallin' on its face
And hasn't very far to go,
But ev'ry whippoorwill
Is sellin' me a bill,
And tellin' me it just ain't so.
I could say life is just a bowl of Jello
And appear more intelligent and smart,
But I'm stuck like a dope
With a thing called hope,
And I can't get it out of my heart!
Not this heart...

http://www.picgifs.com/graphics/c/christmas-animals/graphics-christmas-animals-086966.gif

[MajestyJo]

Thursday, May 21, 2015

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Getting Needs Met

I want to change careers . . . I need a friend . . .I'm ready to be in a relationship . . .

Regularly, we become aware of new needs. We may need to change our behavior with our children. We may need a new couch, love and nurturing, a dollar, or help.

Do not be afraid to recognize a want or need. The birth of a want or need, the temporary frustration from acknowledging a need before it's met, is the start of the cycle of receiving what we want. We follow this by letting go, then receiving that which we want and need. Identifying our needs is preparation for good things to come.

Acknowledging our needs means we are being prepared and drawn to that which will meet them. We can have faith to stand in that place in between.

Today, I will let go of my belief that my needs never get met. I will acknowledge my wants and needs, and then turn them over to my Higher Power. My Higher Power cares, sometimes about the silliest little things, if I do. My wants and needs are not an accident. God created me and all my desires.

Found that for the most part, my needs got put on the back burner. They didn't seem to be that important because I compared instead of identifying them as a need and looking at them as something important.

I put others first, lived my life through others and made little or no effort to get my needs met, with no thought of 'doing the footwork' and I guess I assumed things were just going to appear just on my say so. Sometimes, they did, and there have been mini-miracles have happened in my life and things happened in spite of me, and yet how can my God work through me if I am not there? If I am off and not an active participant in my own life, it is kind of hard to live it.

Remember those old words, "I am happy if you are." We live a second hand life, we don't live for ourselves and we end up USING other people instead of living our own lives. What I need to get is a life! That is why there is the slogan, "Live, and let live!"

This is what I need to do, I have been focused again on my self-admitted alcoholic instead of doing what I need to do for my own health and well being. He gets sicker and as his disease has progressed, I realize mine has too.

I have been trying to step out of my isolation by getting out to meetings, playing bridge, and buying things that I need, which included buying clothes that fit since I lost weight. It was like I didn't have the money to do it, because I found myself back in my old fear of not having enough to eat and filling my cupboards, refrigerator and freezer, just in case.

It is good to do these things, but for the right reason. When I get needy, I get greedy.

http://dreamontoyz.com/bettyboop/loras/christmas/ani-littleelf.gif

[MajestyJo]

As most people know, one of my loves is Bejeweled 3 and at one stage of my life, I had to turn my thinking about the game, over to my HP.

Well I thinking I am slipping or my HP has a sense of humor. I do mostly play the game for relaxing, because I don't find it very challenging, and for the most part, good score or bad score, I just enjoy the game.

Well tonight, after not getting a score over 150,000, I said, "I don't care if I make a million, I just want a score over 500,000. At one point, I thought the score was over 620M, but I think I must have read it wrong, because when I looked again it was 562M. So I had a little chuckle, and then I didn't find it so funny. I think just maybe it was in the back of my mind, "Here come the million, here come the million...! Wouldn't you know it, I crashed at 991,325, my best score was 62,950 for one move, the kind of hands I was getting when I made me promise to quit when I got a score over 500M. Of course there is that voice says, you came so close, try again, but a promise is a promise, and that is it for tonight.

Hope you have a good Saturday. I hope to do some shopping. Not for clothes, but for food.

[MajestyJo]

The future is made of the same stuff as the present.
—Simone Weil

The only lessons that matter for our lives at this time will come to us today. Just as what we needed and were ready for yesterday came yesterday, tomorrow insures more of the same. Concerning ourselves with any other moment but the present prevents us from responding when "the teacher appears."

Each Day A New Beginning

Love this, explains how I feel and how I try to think each day and expresses it so much better than I can.

As the old saying goes, "If you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you are missing out on today.

How can I see what is happening in today if I am continually looking over my shoulder at the past or focusing my sight on the future. I can't see what is going on around me and I end up with tunnel vision.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. You can't be ready in today, if you are still focusing on the past and the future.

Originally posted Nov. 5, 2010 on another site. It could be here too.

Love this, it helps me to stay in today. When I stay in today, there is always hope

http://www.angelwinks.ca/images/lighthouse6.jpg

[MajestyJo]

Today I trust what I feel and I listen to my inner voice.

It does not matter if it is logical or if others agree. My feelings and emotions guide me on a path that is right for me.

Time for Joy - Book - Quote

This reminds me that no one could tell me what to do and it wasn't until I was ready to do something with my life, no one else could help me.

I had lost all sense of reason and all sense of well being and I thought I was unlovable, unworthy, and undeserving of recovery. What helped me was a lady, who took me to my first meeting saying to me, "You are a child of God. God doesn't make no junk."

I did not trust that inner voice. Old tapes told me it wasn't to be trusted and ignored not worthy of listening to.

I had to change that around and once I did, I did find the joy of living. I no longer have to go outside of myself to validate my feelings and who I am in today. I no longer look outside of myself to find something or someone to make me happy.

Something I wrote in 2011.

Will always be grateful for the lady who took me to my first meeting and told me, "Remember you are a child of God and God doesn't make no junk! http://angelwinks.ca/images/thoughtpod/thoughtpod985.jpg

[MajestyJo]

More Language Of Letting Go

November 10


Find a way to say I can

Slowly I began to see that many of the boxes I found myself in were of my own making. I tended to construct them, crawl in, then wonder who I could blame for putting me there. Who did this to me? I would wonder and sometimes ask aloud. That’s when I’d hear the answer. You did, Melody. You put yourself in this box. Now it’s up to you to get out.

–Melody Beattie, Stop Being Mean to Yourself

Each of us has our own degree of freedom. We have certain things we can do and certain things we can’t. Sometimes this freedom fluctuates at different times in our lives. Sometimes we are bound by our responsibilities to other people. Sometimes we have financial limitations. Sometimes we’re limited by what our body can or cannot do at any given point in time.

Alcoholics who know they cannot drink because they lose control when they do are people who are in touch with their power. They can’t drink, but they get to have a manageable life instead.

Healthy happy people know and recognize what they can do and what they truly can’t– at least not without unwanted repercussions. But sometimes we put too many limitations on ourselves. We look around. Because we’re so used to accepting our limitations, we automatically tell ourselves, I can’t do that, so I can’t do anything else.

I’ve been to the house, touched the rock collection, of the author George Sands who lived in southern France years and years ago during a time when women had few rights. It turned out that George was really a woman who took on a man’s name so she could write and sell her books. Her legend and her books still live on.

Identify what you legitimately can’t do or what you’d be better off and more powerful if you didn’t. Learn to live within those limitations. That’s how you’ll own your power.

But don’t stop there. Look around and see what you can do, too. Be creative. Knowing what we truly can’t do is often a stepping stone to discovering what we can do.

God, help me own my power by surrendering to what I can’t do. Then help me own my power some more by discovering what I can.

No one can make me do anything, unless I give up my power. When I surrender, I am empowered to do what I can't do alone. It is only through my God that I can.

When I see words like this, it reminds me of the song, The Little Engline that Could. He starts out thinking he can, and ends up knowing he can. I need to change my thinking. It is about me and my attitude.

[MajestyJo]

Grateful for this site and the opportunity to share my recovery with you. Thank you for being a part of my journey.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fhCY7dl6EDg/VHbCRhrLvSI/AAAAAAAA5RA/-GUb57ZzycE/s1600/HAPPY%2BTHANKSGIVING%2Bgobble%2B%C2%A9superbwallpa per%2BDbN.gif

[MajestyJo]

From Daily OM

We would be wise to respect people who freely admit when they don't know something. They are being honest, with us and with themselves. And we, too, should feel no shame in saying, "I don't know." In doing so, we open ourselves up to the unknown. We can then discover what lies beyond our current levels of understanding. It is the wise person in life that answers questions with a question and inspires the pursuit of internal answers with a funny face, a shrug, and a comical, "I don't know."

What do you think?

Written in 2009

Today I can admit I don't know. My attitude before recovery and in early recovery was "I'm a leading authority on everything, just ask me." My boss use to say, "I hate it when you are always right." He fed my ego. I thought ego was a man thing. Then I learned it meant easing God out and I realized that I had been doing that for years.

So many times I played God with my own life and tried to be God of others always thinking I knew best and thinking that my motive and intentions were good, but in reality, it wasn't for the good of the whole it was what was good for me.

In today:

The willingness to say "I don't know," is humility. We need to become teachable, but if our mind thinks or it is shut off because it thinks it knows it all, it is not receptive to change and not willing to let go of things that no longer work in our lives.

H.O.W. it works, Honesty, Open-Mindedness and Willingness to do what ever it takes to stay clean and sober in today.

[MajestyJo]

What Did I Do Today?

So you've been around for many years, helping to spread A.A.

You've worked like he!! since you first came in but what did you do today?

I heard your pitch it was kind of long, you really told them how you

worked the steps in "71, but how are you working them now?

Do you still get up from your soft warm bed when someone is in trouble?

Do you grab your hat and your A.A. book and get there on the double?

Or have you forgotten the early times when you were sort of new.

Maybe you've been around to long that A.A. 's old hat to you.

Maybe you're one of the senior saints, sober and satisfied,

and you've forgotten when you were sick and when you darn near died.

Maybe I shouldn't bring it up, maybe your too blase,

but just for the he!! of it mister, what did you do today?

Have you been around so thingy-eyed long that you have to leave it

up to Harry or Sam, cause your not your brothers keeper and you don't give a dam*?

Maybe tonight the Sports are on, or you could be in a lot of pain.

So what the he!! if the guy or gal is sick, they have only themselves to blame.

Well mister, you have a perfect right to work your own A.A. and you

know you'll do it only your own way no matter what I say.

But tonight before you go to bed, just look in the glass and pray,

that you and the Lord know the answer to, what did I do today?

-- Anonymous

[MajestyJo]

Today is my birthday. i thought it was the reason for the way i was, until I found out that I was an alcoholic. I was in denial when I came to the doors of recovery and even though I stayed clean and sober, the denial was still there. It wasn't until I saw myself in others nad had a dream at 2 years sober and saw myself as others saw me, that I could no longer deny my disease. I used alcohol like I used everything else. I was not only an alcoholic and an addict too. I always knew I was an addict, so that is probably why I stayed clean and sober.

Through this program I got to know myself and strengthen my belief and faith in my God. He was greater and larger than I ever though possible, and I could see how i limited Him by my narrow outlook.

They say we need honesty, open mindedness and willingness to make this program work. it is a one day at a time program and it saved me from a life of hell.

This weekend is one of beginning. Christ died on the cross, but more importantly to me, He rose again and sits on the right hand of God and intercedes for me.

http://www.filegenie.net/animated_gifs/easter/easter86k.gif

[MajestyJo]

Had to make choices today. My son turned off my alarm, which I didn't hear even though it was at the end of my bed. He knew I hadn't slept last night, so he let me sleep.

I had a choice, let it go or call Darts. I chose to call Darts and they offered me a ride to the hospital at 5 pm and pick me up there at 8 pm to come home. Normally, I don't do night time unless it is to my NA groups. I said yes and things came out beautifully, a taxi arrived at 4:45 pm just as I came out of the building. My drive came into the hospital and called my name, too cold to wait outside, and it was 7:43 pm,so they were early instead of me having to wait. So grateful. Looks like I made some good choices.


http://www.gifsanimados.org/data/media/484/buho-y-lechuza-imagen-animada-0097.gif

[MajestyJo]

Had to make choices today. My son turned off my alarm, which I didn't hear even though it was at the end of my bed. He knew I hadn't slept last night, so he let me sleep.

I had a choice, let it go or call Darts. I chose to call Darts and they offered me a ride to the hospital at 5 pm and pick me up there at 8 pm to come home. Normally, I don't do night time unless it is to my NA groups. I said yes and things came out beautifully, a taxi arrived at 4:45 pm just as I came out of the building. My drive came into the hospital and called my name, too cold to wait outside, and it was 7:43 pm,so they were early instead of me having to wait. So grateful. Looks like I made some good choices.


http://www.gifsanimados.org/data/media/484/buho-y-lechuza-imagen-animada-0097.gif

[MajestyJo]

"Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which should be changed -- and the wisdom to know the difference." - - unknown

They say that when we experience our first traumatic experience or pick up that first drug, we stop growing emotionally if we stuff the feelings and emotions attached to it.

Maturity for me was being able to handle life on life's terms, something I hadn't been able to do for many years because I shut them out with the blanket of denial or stuffed them using alcohol, pills, work, food, relationships, etc.

That has always been the hard part, "...the wisdom to know the difference." I had to stop trying to play 'god' with my life and that of others. All I can do is my part, and allow my God to do His. I needed to remember H.O.W. Honesty about myself, open my mind to other ideas other than my own, and willing to go to any length to maintain my sobriety. I am powerless over people, places, and things. I can't control it, I didn't cause it, and I can't cure it. Always good things to remember. Stay in the moment, stay in today.

Emotions, I have to acknowledge them in order to let them go. I am powerless over people, places, and things.

I had to go to meetings to learn what it was I was feeling. I found myself reflected in the rooms of recovery by those who went before me and those who were still in the recovery rooms.