Types of Sponsors

[bluidkiti]

Hey just when you thought that being a sponsor was enrichment enough for your recovery, there comes some old crony who has worked steps so much he looked at his own behaviors as a sponsor to others in NA.

(the best way to find out what type of sponsor you are is to listen to what the sponsees are saying amongst each other.)


The first time I became a sponsor was a simple thing some guy walked up and said hey will you be my sponsor? My ego answered before I could even think "why yes I will....." We got together and went through the first 3 steps (as I was shown) he left and he got loaded. I figured I was a terrible sponsor.. I went whining to my sponsor and he said did you get loaded?

(later - I learned he got clean and now has over 15 years clean..)

This brings me to the first type of sponsor

"Hey Look at me - I'm A sponsor." Type Newbie

This one is quite self explanatory really I would make sure to "talk good recovery" at a newcomer meeting and then be all too accessible after the meeting. I would then become the personal counselor for all of that sponsees whoes.. Call me at anytime Just don't use..



The second phase of my experience is;

The sponsor from Hell.

(this nickname was given to me by a group of sponsees one night.)

This sponsor needed you to check with him about everything and every little decision you where to make. "Did you check with your sponsor?"

We also worked the steps in a written format that was a precursor to the step guide we know today (but the one we used didn't have the benefit of being worked over by professional writers. It was scribbled down by some guy named Jimmy K..)

Yeah Also The sponsor from Hell was a purist even in language and how you talked at a meeting.

This sponsor type attracted the toughest cases. One Night I got a call that the group had just assigned me as a sponsor to one guy who would not shut up for a second.. He was prattling away like a chipmunk who lived in a coffee factory when I walked in. I sternly advised him to Shut up the group thanked me and that guy and I became so close in the next 5 years it was remarkable. (thanks group)

The third type I went through being was:
The Service Sponsor

Now here was a unique one, this was all about gaining ranks in service.
Now don't get me wrong about this (I was clean but sick - but I didn't quite understand the depth of how far it effected my life at that time)
Through this period I acquired / amassed a mere 212 sponsees and many had a "Name sponsor" (the next type)
Of these great guys my time was booked I didn't have a minute to be with my own issues It was fantastic...(If you were trying to avoid personal growth) At one time I was the sponsor of guys who served in every level of NA service, and several had become chairs of regional service committees all at the same time.

One strange side benefit that occurred from this insanity was having all those RSC Chairs communicate so often they came up with an idea hey lets have a forum... Lets call it the western states..whatever.. the birth of a new idea was a by-product of the thing. (see we never know who we touch)

The next type was :
"The name sponsor"

This is the sponsor who you get so you can say yeah I have ___as a sponsor. But you never call him or talk to him. We all know one or two of these guys or gals right?"

My favorite type of sponsor is this one:

"The Sponsor"

Some would call this person "my sponsor"
This sponsor is there for you, he takes your calls and listens to what you have to say and always asks a question after your done talking...
The question is "usually" how does this issue effect your recovery and the step you are working on?

This sponsor is only concerned with your welfare and recovery, he/she wont stand in judgment for some of your trials and tribulations he/she will simple wait it out and then after you bring up the issue they will share what the real deal is.

This sponsor knows the real you and how you are, they offer you hope and on occasion will come to you for some help also. They aren't afraid to let you know that sponsorship benefits both parties.
They are your advocate in all matters, be warned if you lay out a plan to do something and then deviate this sponsor will nudge you back onto that track unless you let them know your changing your plans.

The caring and empathy are always there - it may at times be cloaked by a aire of seriousness or humor, but its still there.

This sponsor doesn't care if anyone knows or recognizes that they are your sponsor, it's not about all that - it is about recovery and living the message through action. Nothing makes this sponsor more happy that for you to succeed.

Now you may ask yourself what type of sponsor am I?

These are simply based on my observations of myself and if you find some humor and other thing in it good for you..

It's my opinion that to be the best sponsor is simple.
Be there.
Listen.
Don't Judge.
Don't Tell them what to do. (suggest things that have worked for you)
Show them that the program is working for you.
Practice patience and kindness whenever you are with your sponsee, not just to them but to everyone around you. Be that example.


Thanks hope you enjoyed my sponsorship inventory.

Mike L

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for this. I had several sponsees who went back out and a couple of them died. I questioned myself and asked myself what did I do wrong, should I have been more aggressive when they didn't want to work the Steps or go to meetings.

My sponsor told me, "You are not responsible if they stay sober or if they go back out." You can't help someone who doesn't want help. You can't help those who want a band aid and a quick fix to get healthy and go back out again.

As it says, all I can do is suggest. What my sponsee does with those suggestions, is up to them as to whether they choose to follow them, disregard them, or adjust them to what is good for them.

What worked for me might not work for others. Relapse was not an option. I had a real thirst and just soaked up everything around me. They say 90 meetings in 90 days, that doesn't mean quit after 90 days. I went to two, sometimes three meetings a day. At 10 years sober, I was doing 7-10 meetings a week because of service. My service today is how many times I can come and post on the sites. Without you, there is no me. You all carry the message of recovery to me.

Just because I had a feeling doesn't mean I have to act on it. That is what I had been doing wrong all of my life. Just because I had a thought, didn`t mean it should come out of my mouth. I am only as sick as my secrets, a sponsor is a good person to take them to. I had to bring them to light so they couldn`t stay in the dark and fester.

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[honeydumplin]

Thank you two for these posts about sponsorship.
I really enjoy the topic. I've been blessed to
have a couple of great sponsors, and even though
it isn't a prerequisite, have actually became close
friends.

I went through an outpatient program, and the counselors there were persistent in asking us if we'd found a sponsor yet. Back then it all seemed like such a big deal to ask a guy if he'd sponsor me. I felt so damaged, so dirty. There was this huge wall around me, and I was determined not to let anyone inside it. Armed with a rather vague idea of sharing in the least of what was going on behind that wall was enough to fill me with terror. The fear of asking, along with the fear of being turned down, continued to scare me.

One man that I'd befriended while attending this rehabilitation program, had found a sponsor, and was already working the steps of AA like he was double-parked in the handicap space. I resented him for it, and wondered just who he thought he was catching fire like this when I was still fumbling around, scared to find a sponsor. The whole ordeal was nothing short of false alcoholic pride that was trying to kill me. I was looking directly at it, and had no idea what it was.

I've got two brothers-in-law that could, if they ever
reached the point of powerlessness, definitely qualify
as alcoholic, and an alcoholic father who quit cold turkey,
never having taken one step, much less 12 to a recovery
program. He used to take me in beer joints when I was
a kid and I'd play pinball and drink soda, while he drank.
And his brother was one of those guys who sat and crid
on a park bench outside of a treatment center while saying
that he just couldn't do it. Maybe he didn't want to.
Maybe he was too far away to consider giving up.
In either case, he was dead within a year.

A guy that I was sponsoring went back out a few weeks
ago. It was the second time this had happened in the past
year. We'd scheduled meeting each other an hour before
the meeting, and one night he didn't show. I learned about
his getting drunk again from one of the others. He was
going through d.t.'s at a local hospital. I had to immediately
work through all of the guilt of somehow being “responsible”
for this guy doing this. I prayed. I talked to my sponsor
about it. This is the only way I know how to get through
stuff like this. AA is what keeps me sober during this
thing we call life. It was a process. I had to let go.
And sure enough, after a few days, it was over.

This guy and I, ran into one another at the meeting last night.
It was hard not to say something that I would have regretted.
His mantra this time was that he had to move forward,
that he was of the opinion that familiarity breeded contempt,
and that he probably needed to find somebody that didn't
attend that particular group. I wished him the best, but
like refusing to doing any of the work, it simply sounded
similar to another excuse, but he'll eventually figure it out.
If he doesn't end up dead beforehand.

My point though, is not to wallow in the past. I guess
what I want to emphasize is the fact that alcoholism,
in its rawest of forms has one mission; and that is to
kill me. It doesn't care how old I am, who my friends are,
or what kind of rehab I've gone through, and certainly
not my family history.

Men and women in recovery, no matter how much
time they have, are recovering drunks, finding their place
in the world as recovering people. And getting beyond the
idea that I am somehow unique to the rest of the lot,
in many ways, opens the door to the possibility of living
as a sober individual. The only obstacles that detour the
journey, are the ones that I've placed in the way. It can be
the sponsor, or lack thereof, or the meetings, or lack thereof.
It might be simply attending meetings, and yet refusing
to work the steps.

My alcoholism doesn't give a hoot how much time I have.
The time that those people in that room have doesn't matter
much either. I saw a guy with 27 years, who attended
meetings regularly, go back out last year. The reason?
Well, for one thing, he's an alcoholic, and that's what we do.
But the main explanation he had, was that his spiritual
condition had never been a priority. Maybe daily prayer
didn't mean that much to him. But it is a message that
should speak volumes to anyone who considers how
paramount it is to incorporate the 12-steps in the
maintenance of long-term sobriety.

And that's what the man did that first sponsored me. I'd been
watching him share in the meetings. He hadn't had a drink in
a long time, and I could see and feel the serenity when I was
around him. So, when I finally got the nerve to ask him if he
would sponsor, you can imagine the surprise when he replied,
that he didn't sponsor people. I also said that he didn't believe
in “pigeons”, which is a term that is slowly vanishing.

I said, “Well, okay then.”

But he caught me completely off guard when he quickly
followed up saying, “But I'll be more than happy to walk
through the steps with you.”

It was music to my ears. Why now I could tell those
pestering IOP people that I'd found a sponsor, and also
actually start working on some sort of recovery from
alcoholism. This man would me at coffee shops,
and we'd talk for hours in conversations primarily
focused on just that — recovery from alcoholism,
and yes, going through the steps. He was the guy
that answered the telephone when I'd used the
last two quarters I had to my name the day after my last
crack binge. He invited me over for coffee. Something
that not just everyone would have done.

And after the in-patient, or out-patient rehabilitation process,
after the shakes, the physical withdrawals, all that is really left,
is honestly working the steps. If nothing else, it broke up the
vicious cycle, messing it up enough to see what recovery looked
like in other peope, but allowing me to see what staying drunk
was doing to me. Getting loaded in any form was never the same
afterward. It is a continued daily, and sometimes rocky path
towards allowing myself to possibly fit in, with the human race.

So much of it entails unity. Not just with other recovering
people, but with everyone. Family, co-workers, and people
along the way. If I concede that I am special, then my
sobriety is in jeopardy, before it ever starts. Only in shining
the light of the 12-steps on alcoholism with another alcoholic,
am I able to recognize that. Sponsorship, both giving and
receiving, has a way of removing my ego. Something that
can't be done alone.

Thanks for letting me share.