cross talk

[Lin]

It's been a very long time since I visited this site. I do have a question. I am a grateful member of alanon...about 25 years. Recently a lady from AA attended and mentioned that we have cross talk. I would love to hear what exactly the definition of cross talk means and how do you keep it to a minimum?

My opinion is it is interrupting the person speaking....speaking to them about what they just shared before everybody has had a turn and we have been around the table. I see it as giving advice...not sharing "experience, strength and hope".

I googled cross talk and it in not a clear definition. Many said it is making negative comments or giving advice. Some said if your turn comes later and you want to add something to what another had said, that's not cross talk. They said it' not cross talk if you say Thanks for sharing. Or glad you are here. But if you refer to the share such as 'you will know what do do when the time is right".

Several alanon groups here are adding something about it at the opening. I would really be curious to hear what they put in the opening.

In the past I have said, stay a few minutes after the meeting and I will talk to you. The "talk" does not involve advice. It's more of telling them I understand and if they keep coming back they should see how much happier their life can be. I may tell them what I did in a similar situation and if it helped me. Then they can "take what they like and leave the rest"

So just what IS cross talk and how can it be kept to a minimum? We are having a group conscience on it for our meeting on March 12....going to announce several times so people interested can be there.

LIN

[MajestyJo]

A good topic Lin. Cross talk is sharing about something someone else has shared on, giving an opinion and 'sage' advice as to what they think they should do. I remember when I first came into recovery, a lot of chairpersons would comment on what every person had shared like he/she was the leading authority.

At the beginning of my NA group there is a section where people are asked to refraim from cross talk, everyone has a right to their own opinion.

I have shared before how a guy said he disagreed with me. I was about 2 years sober and I said to my sponsor, "How can he disagree with MY feelings. He doesn't walk in my shoes." I have had people share and say they would like advice or ask what others had experienced. When someone asks for advice in my Al-Anon group, they are told we don't give advice, but do feel free to share after the meeting when we go for coffee.

I like it because it gives me the right to share my esh and for many years, I was told that my words were not important, and who cared about what I had to say any way? It was hard on my self esteem.

Good to see you here. Please keep coming.

[bluidkiti]

Here are a couple of links that I found on cross talk:

http://www.aagrapevine.org/feature/1491

http://aaohio-triarea.org/Documents/Crosstalk%20in%20meetings%2022.pdf

https://www.aa.org/newsletters/en_US/en_box459_holiday94.pdf

It is great seeing you here Lin!

[MajestyJo]

Thanks for sharing Tammy. This works for me:

Typically crosstalk refers to people speaking out of turn, interrupting someone while they are speaking or giving direct advice to someone in a meeting. The custom in many areas is to speak only about one's own experience and to always avoid any form of direct advice (or opinion) in the group setting.

[Ckellyr]

Crosstalk includes giving advice that should be done in a more personal setting. Sharing should be from personal experience only. For example, in a discussion about the importance of meeting attendance a person made the comment that he really enjoyed AA better than NA. The group leader then re-entered the discussion, after having his turn, and gave advice to this young man about the benefits of AA vs. NA for the remainder of the time. This advice really had nothing to do with the other 12 people in the group. In fact, the meeting was brought to an end and 4 people did not get a chance to share. The sharing should have been only about why meetings help each person personally, not a comparison to other 12 step programs. It is through the sharing that each should be listening, not advising. This crosstalk really wasted the time of the other 10 people involved. The response should have been, “Can we meet after the meeting and talk?”

Another form of crosstalk includes saying things like, “I really like what **** said, we should all do that.” Again, discussions are sharing from personal experience, not advising. It’s about being a listener and a learner. You can take what you want and leave the rest. It is never about an opinion.

Kelly R

[Lin]

thanks for your reply Kelly.

We did compose a paragraph for the opening of our alanon meeting. It does not include the word Cross talk...It says format is topic discussion. One person volunteers to chair. They pick a topic and read from conference approved literature. Then they share on that reading. We go around the table and everybody has a chance to share. Then when everyone has had a chance to share, we can have an opportunity to share again if time permits. It says we share our own experience, strength and hope.

The problem we had was when somebody would share a person across the table wanted to comment on that share. Then by the end of the time some had passed because time was running short. The GR spoke to that person about it and that person just stopped coming. I hate to hear that, but it really was distracting.

LIN