I have a friend coming by today who loves the word unique as much as I do. It made me feel like a somebody, no longer a nobody, someone who has purpose and a reason for being because no one else has walked in my shoes, has been and done what I had to do to get here. We all walk different journey, we are unique in our experiences, but not unique in our disease.

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Having volunteered at senior centers, jails and detox, recovery houses, and missions, I understand. It is difficult not to allow yourself to get attached.

I also helped in a free computer outlet for residence of housing and it gives you a more compassionate outlook on people from diverse walks of life, colour and creed.

So many people are lonely today, the fear of what is 'out there' and the limitations of old tapes and upbringing, keep a lot of people isolated and it is amazing what you receive as a result of extending a hand and a smile. So many people just don't care, or they get caught up in busy and forget how come they have busy in their life today.

It helps to know where someone came from and being open that their life was traumatic to them, be they a self admitted alcoholic/addict or not.

They say that families and friends of alcoholic and addict, hurt just as much, if not more than the A in their life.

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They say the longest road in recovery, is from our head to our heart. We think we know, and then we feel the knowing and that it is God given and a gift to be cherished.

I spent so many years hardening my heart, that it took a lot of healing to soften it up, so I could love myself and others.

Sometimes, I can find myself back in my head, but I know, that when I have an attitude of gratitude, my thinking goes back to my heart, and I am God-centered instead of self-centered.

A God Thing
 

Want to share something with you, I call it a God thing.

I was in pain after posting earlier and went back to bed with my heating pad, and didn't wake up until 2:45 p.m.

The sun was shining, so I got dressed and answered the call of sunshine. As I was waiting for the elevator, I realized, this is a new morning and said the Serenity Prayer along with the Third and Seventh Step Prayers. As I walked downtown, I had the thought, "Perhaps I should go in to see Tony to see if I can get an appointment, as my hip keeps giving out and my left foot is turned outward." As I walk along the street, I see this person coming toward me and it is Tony. I now have an appointment for next Monday afternoon at the Holistic Center.

I was thinking of going to cancel my chiropractor's appointment tomorrow, but decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. Bill and Tony had helped my leg, but it has been out since my last two chiropractor visits. He says it is because I didn't go to him. I didn't go to him because I lost some faith and trust when he crack my rib and find it difficult to relax when he goes to make an adjustment. I have been doing a meditation before I go there and again when I am in the treatment room before he comes in.

Things don't always happen because I want them to or because I pray for them, but things do happen, just not always in my time, or until such a time as I remember to ask and not take my God for granted.

As I walked away from Tony, I said "Thank you, thank you, thank you."

I had a little chuckle because an older lady was standing with a cane by Tony's office building. She looked like the wind would blow her over. I asked her if I could do anything to help her. I would have let her sit on my walker to rest, or I would have pushed her to where she wanted to go. She said, "No thanks dear, my son has gone for the car. Thank you for asking." I realized after I left her, that she looked like she could have been Tony's mom.

The wondrous ways that God works in our life.

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Have been having problems with staying confident and having faith that everything will be alright. I know that it is because I want things to turn out my way, so with that realization, I keep trying to turn things over daily.

My apprehension is more for my son and my sisters, than for myself, so when that happens, I need to turn them over too.

It is very much a one day at a time. One days thoughts, one days actions, one days feelings, one days experience, etc.

Never have lost faith in my God. I have lost faith in myself.

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Mold your life according to your God's plan. Mold yourself into the kind of person you would like to be.

Have a wee story to tell. I was talking to a good friend about an ex-boyfriend, and said, "He tried to fit me into the mold of what he though women should be and how they should act, and I kept breaking them. I said, "I wonder how many molds he made? My friend replied, "He probably ran out of clay."

How can someone else know who we are when we don't know ourselves. People who knew us before recovery, don't always identify with the person you are in today.

We say a day at a time, but often it is moment by moment when we are tempted. Self-justification can lead us back into old ways of thinking, which in turn takes us back to actions, which takes us out of today.

Justification and rationalization doesn`t make it right. I am saying this because I feasted on some brownies last night. I was sad and wanted to sweeten my feelings. I did call my ex-sponsor from AA because my Al-Anon sponsor is out of town. I also did prayer and meditation in the morning and later when my son left, didn`t listen to the voice inside that said `No` before I bought the brownies on the way home from the doctor`s and after I ate them, I had to pray for forgiveness. I knew it was wrong, but it seemed like there was nothing going to stop me from buying them. Told myself that I wasn`t going to eat them all. I ate them in two lots and made it worse by putting chocolate icing on them. I knew I shouldn`t because they were not on the shelf when I came in, and on the way out, there were two at the back of the shelf that I spotted on the way out. I told myself I did good by only buying one package.

That is why it is one day at a time and it is important to pick up the tools of the program. Some may say, how important is a few (8) brownies, it is nothing. Considering that my drug of choice is more, no matter what the substance is, it makes me slip and even if I stop at the end of one bag, the reality is, I should have stopped at 1 brownie. I am diabetic. If I had bought the second bag, it would probably be gone by now too.

I am on Metformin for my diabetes. The thing I told myself was, `I have a Metformin to take.` Again with the self-justification and rationalizing my actions. These were two of my worst defects of character in early recovery, looks like God and I have some work to do.

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When I became more aware, I went to a Horoscope book and looked up the characteristics of an Aries. I found they looked at me and wrote the book. I could identify so much with the things posted there.

I don't live by it. I had a friend who wouldn't get out of bed in the morning, until she read her horoscope for the day. Not much faith in that, saying a prayer and asking my God into my life each mornings seems like a much better solution.

It was nice to know that there were others who thought like me. When I went into recovery, I found that there were people of all signs of the Zodiac who had been where I had been.

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Pocket Sponsor - Book - Quote

God didn't do it!

God doesn't do anything to me, but always through me.

That is something I ask for daily, to be a channel that God may work through me instead of having to work around me or others.

For so many years, it was look what you did! It got to a stage in my life, I always replied, "The Devil made me do it!" Hogwash!

For one thing, as much as people said it was wrong, it was there opinion and I had to stop taking I personal. I don't think I will ever forget my mother saying, "Look at what you made me do, it is all your fault." I don't even remember the incident, just remember the words. Don't know what she did or I did, but apparently I did it and I was responsible for the whole mess.

I firmly believe that God DOES NOT TEST US! We test God. Yes life happens, and things are put in front of us, I don't see it as a test, so much as Him allowing me freedom of choice.

It can be a test of faith, yet every day is that. He doesn't do something that will hurt me and His Goal to 'Get' me and only me and I am so hard done by and why is this happening to me. I made choices that brought me to where I am in today.

So many times we are victim of other people's choices. So we have to learn to accept it, or we can choose to become a victim and play the martyr, which I have done far too many times.

My God doesn't grab me by the scuff of the neck and say "Don't!" Yet if I go to the quiet, and sit in the stillness, the good orderly direction is there. It is up to me as to whether I listen to it or turn away.

So many people blame God for the state of the world. The people of the world made choices, in most cases, to ignore God and disclaim His existence. What a wonderful world this would be if everyone just made their space, the best space it can be, just for today.

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This may be a rerun, originally posted on another site in 2011.

This spoke to me this morning. My son is in a lot of pain because of his tooth ache, nausea, migraines, infection, etc. I try to help, but you can't help someone who isn't willing to do for himself, he wants someone to make it better, take away all the pain. No recognition of the fact that his addiction brought him to where he is at in today.

It works when you work it.

Earlier today, I told myself that I was in too much pain to post. When I started, I got an anti-virus notice to update, and I thought it was a sure sign that I was not meant to post in the moment.

All said and done, when things were finished, I tried to read and I could concentrate for the pain, so came on the computer.

When the posting were half done, the pain eased, and now I have little pain, and I think I will be able to do a little task I have been procrastinating about, sorting through some clothes.

My God does, if I do.

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There are moments in our life that are priceless and endearing. This morning my son gave me hope. He said, "I am going to sleep here tonight mom and then I am going to try to get into detox tomorrow. He wants to go into treatment.

He doesn't want to go because it is no smoking. He has a few cigarettes left, so plans to smoke them before he goes. A real remember for me, trying to make the day and the nights align with the number of cigarettes I had when I quit.

He said, "I watch you mom, your recovery was stronger when you quit smoking, the cigarettes lead to using. Coffee tasted bad, so hardly ever drink it. I no longer had to eat to make things taste better.

That is why I went to NA when I quit cigarettes 16 years ago, I got key tags and applied the steps, because nicotine is a drug. They were mind altering. Took away feelings of hungry .

Just got a call from Windows and my computer isn't working properly and they have to do some work on it.

Lost my train of thought and having problems working through the pain.

Thanks for letting me share.

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Have faith in my God. Have faith in the program. Trying to have faith and stay in the moment and know that this too shall pass.

Have been feeling like there is something missing in my life. I have a sense of what it is, too much isolation and I need to get out more. Was disappointed today because I got out, it was much warmer, the sun was shining, got my errands run and the pain has been at an all time high the whole day. What I need is acceptance, turn it over, and don't go into anger, frustration, hurt and the poor mes. I am closing up shop, going to do a meditation and then hopefully I will find the inclination to cook dinner and the desire to eat it.

I can't, my God can, just for today I will get out of my way, and allow my God to work through me and for me, being open to what is best for my Higher Good.

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They say, "What you are." Not sure that those are the right words, but it affirms that, what we put out, we get back. What we take, we need to pass on.

I can't maintain my sobriety if I don't give it away. Yet I can't give it away, if I don't have it.

Changing my life and making healthy choices, is what has allowed me to change. I am not a bleeding deacon or a self-righteous soul, who thinks their way is the only way. I just know that I have been truly blessed.

Healthy choices applies to all area of my life, especially when it comes to food. What I put in my body, can dictate my pain levels, my health and well being, and I have to ask myself, "Why did I get clean and sober, if I choose to still abuse my body, mind and soul?"

Lately I have had to pray and turn over my love of chocolate. I love it, it gives me energy (short-term), and it makes me feel good. Yet in reality, it affects my diabetes, especially the circulation in my body. I know, but couldn't seem to stop eating it. I kept justifying and telling myself that chocolate is good for me. Yet it is suppose to be 70%, and the quantity I choose to eat. In reality, chocolate brownie cup cakes are bad enough, but when I added chocolate icing to them, they are deadly. I found myself in a don't care mode of thinking.. Not to mention the weight that I put on after losing it. I know I am not fat, but I can let my mind go there, and the rebel comes out that says, "Don't tell me what to do."

I have to care about me. I can't, my God can, just for today, I choose to let Him. I went into two stores today and said "No!" That is a beginning, and to keep doing, I need to go to my God and apply my program to the situation.

We can do what I can't do alone.

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KEEPERS

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents -- a Mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a name for it...

Father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other.

It was the time for fixing things -- a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.

All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my Mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.'

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return.

So...while we have it...it's best we love it.....and care for it.....and fix it when it's broken.....and heal it when it's sick.

This is true.....for marriage.....and old cars.....and children with bad report cards.....and dogs with bad hips.....and aging parents.....and grandparents.

We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep.

Like a best friend that moved away -- or -- a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.....and so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way. Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life.

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A post I made on another site. Oh how I remember!!!! Scary!

OLDER THAN DIRT

LightningBugs / Older 'n Dirt!!

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,'"I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

=====

"Senility Prayer"...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference."
Have a great week!!!!!!

Some additional suggestions by other members:

Gee forgot about that one. Heating the water in the reservoir of the wood stove and bathed in a tin tub, one was square and when I got older a round one.

Homemade bread, pies and cakes.
Fresh churned butter and straight from the hen eggs.
Lye soap and washboards to clean your clothes.
Remember getting my hand stuck in the wringer, and stead of releasing it, I rolled it back out! Duh!!!

Can you identify and add a few of your own.

Say Yes to the program, and no to addiction. Say Yes, to God and ask for His care and guidance through each day.

Yield not to temptation, let go of the thoughts and turn to your God. If you don't have a working relationship with your God, say "Yes!" to a spiritual quest and search for what God means to you. As I was told, "It does't matter what you believe as long as you don't believe YOU are it!"

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http://www.hymnary.org/text/yield_no...r_yielding_is_

Was two years sober before I took the 1st step 100%, I couldn't get rid of the denial. I kept comparing instead of identifying. I didn't have black out. I wasn't a falling down drunk. I could walk and drive a straight line. I had total contempt for my woman friends who couldn't stand up and had to be practically carried out of the Legion. My biggest fear was making an ass of myself and doing something stupid. I would go into the washroom, stick my finger down my throat, upchuck so I could drink more rather than cross the line, between being in control and out of control. "If you have to control it, it is already out of control." Now how lady like is it to do something like that, so you won't stagger and miss a step walking across the floor. You wonder why they say this is a disease of perception. My husband has 20 beers, can't stand without staggering out of the bar. I have 20 rye and coke, I help him or let him fall out of the place, get behind the wheel, say, "I'm not drunk, and drive him home. A police car is sitting in the corner lot, I say, "Slouch a little bit more, the left signal light isn't working." I stop at the stop sign. I pull out to the edge of the pavement to see past parked cars and pull out into the street, with my window down and using hand signals. I am hoping they think, "The wife taking the drunken husband home," that is what it looks like, the reality is, she is as hammered as he is, even though she doesn't want to admit to it. 20 drinks is 20 drinks, be they beer or rye, if anything, I should have been drunker than he was.

If I got angry, I tended to sober up, then I would be already to start again. With my husband, he was the opposite, you would swear he had drank about 3 times the amount he had already drank. So this might be why I drove home alright because he generally made me royally ticked off by the end of the night.

It isn't how much you drank but what it did to you and how you metabolized it. As you can see, some of those words were quotes from certain incidents that happened, I was not a very nice person when I was drinking. I don't think I was too normal on most things in life. :(

Posted this on another site on 8/18, 2012, three days before my 21st anniversary.

The person that came into recovery is no more. But the person in today, can slip into that other persona if I don't maintain my sobriety, one day at a time.

Some of the material that was on my sites, was posted on other sites, so even though my sites are gone, I still get to go back and re-read them. They spoke to me then, and they still speak to me in today, even if it is to recognize that, "that was then, this is now."

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In early recovery, I didn't notice the changes within myself. Others did, and would comment and that was the only way I knew. Over the years as I worked the Steps, I saw change but more importantly, I worked to change because I wanted to change the old patterns and behaviors. They can still creep back in today, and I have work with my HP to make more changes. This is a living program. I have found that when I go out and be a part of nature, I have more appreciation for what is. It helps me to stay grounded and awareness of the greatness of my God. He has given me many gifts and has worked many miracles in my life.

Posted in 2011 on another site.

What helped me realize that it was me, not my drug of choice that was the issue, was realizing that my prescription drugs were like dried up alcohol. I had the same symptoms with them, as I did with my alcohol disease. I didn't always identify with some alcoholics, but when I thought of it, I had those feelings when I was trying to deal with my feelings with pills. I didn't have black outs with alcohol, but I did with pills.

Don't compare, identify.

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Tonight a friend came to mind, I ignored the thought. I came on the computer, went to my mail box, something I visit about twice a month, and there was an e-mail from her dated a week ago. So I picked up the phone and we talked for an hour and 45 minutes. We are reflections of each other. We are always asking ourselves, "Is this stuff your or mine?" It is generally something we both have issues with.

Rest and be at peace. When something comes to mind, say "Thought and let it go." Release any thing that blocks you from your God, and relax and know that God is there, you are not alone. Don't rest on your laurels, this is a one day at a time program.

Stir things up, and see what come to the top. Reflect on it, is it working for you in today? Is it an old tape, or a new one that has malfunctioned?

Sometimes when we are in a space and we can't see what is going on be it our denial, being overwhelmed and not knowing where to look first, or I have so many things, I just can't see and don't know where to look. As I shared with her, "I had to pray for the willingness to be willing to be willing."

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You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Releasing

Let fears slip away. Release any negative, limiting, or self-defeating beliefs buried in your subconscious too. These beliefs may be about life, love, or yourself. Beliefs create reality.

Let go. From as deep within as your fears, resentments, and negative beliefs are stored, let them all go. Let the belief or feeling surface. Accept it; surrender to it. Feel the discomfort or unrest. Then let it go. Let new beliefs replace the old. Let peace and joy and love replace fear.

Give yourself and your body permission to let go of fears, resentments, and negative beliefs. Release that which is no longer useful. Trust that you are being healed and prepared for receiving what is good.

Today, God, help me become willing to let go of old beliefs and feelings that may be hurting me. Gently take them from me and replace them with new beliefs and feelings. I do deserve the best life and love has to offer. Help me believe that.


Another reminder that we need to feel the feeling in order to be able to let them go. We can be so focused on the addict that we forget ourselves.

We don't practice self-care and we are so obsessed and overwhelmed by the addict and their actions that we don't take the time to feel our feelings and recognize that often what we are feeling is their stuff and not ours to take on.

We feel their pain and we want to ease their burden but it isn't our job and it only enables them to continue using.

Lately, I have just gone with the flow, not argued, recognized what is going on and trying not to blur the boundaries.

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I was reminded that I still have too many conditional strings attached to people, places and things.

I got a five word message from my son and my immediate thought was "He is alive." I was thinking that I had let go, because I know that I am powerless over his choices." Yet there was that part of me that still wants to be 'in the know' when in truth, it is none of my business.

It was suggested to me to sit with my palms up and just pray and turn people, places and things over to my HP. I do this, and have done it for several years, but when it comes to my son, there just isn't that unconditional surrender that I need to get to because I realize that I don't want to let go of the connection that has always been there between us.

I am not his Higher Power. Many times I am sure he thought I was his Lower Power. :( Just for today, he is in God's care. I will try to remember to continue to put him there daily.

Spirit Animal of the Week

The Butterfly: The Butterfly offers those who have an affinity with this spirit animal the inspiration to move through everymoment with lightness and an open mind. It encourages us to try new things and rediscover life as it was new.

Spiritual Animals and Totems

http://www.spiritanimal.info/butterfly-spirit-animal/

Every I had a change or came to a milestone in my recovery, like an anniversary or a new enlightening. When I had special events like a gay guy asking me to be his sponsor. We were at the water front, sitting at a picnic table, and a monarch butterfly lit on the table between us, paused and flew away.

When I was in the hospital because of migraines, I went out to the smoking area, I found myself saying, "God I can't continue like this, I need help." A monarch butterfly lit on the ground besides me. Landed, looked at me, took off a flew into the pattern of the sign of infinity, the number 8 resting on it's side. They changed my medication and three months later I found the willingness to quit smoking. Since then I have never had a migraine bad enough to go into a darkened room let alone the hospital. They are a sign of healing for me.

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I was living on the 11th floor, and sitting on my balcony with a friend and a monarch butterfly flew by. Didn't think they flew that high, but it did, and I had a major enlightening and healing. Because of the 4 rapes and abuse, it was like I was numb and frozen below the waist. After that visit by the butterfly, I gained freedom of movement, and I got my zig to go with my zag.

Have received many symbols, candle holders, candles, stain glassed decals, a butterfly made out of feathers, stickers, glasses, a bathroom set decorated with butterflies, and I am sure that there are more, but not coming to mind at the moment. I see them as gifts from God's Earthly Angels and I have been truly blessed.

Monarchs are special to me, but I feel just as blessed to see one of any colour, especially white. I look at them as a cleansing of getting rid of the old to make room for the new.

For me they are a sign of healing, mental, emotional, spiritual and physical.

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This was posted on another site in 2007.

It was true then and true today. Hugs not Drugs.

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Something I posted in 2011 on another site.

When I saw it tonight, I thought sometimes I have to eat them, the difference in today is I know when to spit them out. Other times, on a good day, I remember that the pit is there and eat around it.

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Growth

In AA I found that the focus was suppose to be taken off the self-centered "I" and put on the still suffering alcoholic, and yes, my recovery came first because without my sobriety, I had nothing, yet it was "stay sober and then do service." I had a friend who got so involved in service that she stayed sick for a long time, and she helped me to recognize it within myself, that I was again, looking outward instead of inward, using 'service' as a means of not looking at my own issues and dealing with my own recovery. Another one of those Catch 22s, I believe they call them.

The same in Al-Anon, I stayed sick for so many years, because I focused on the As in my life, not only did I play the blame game, I used them not to face myself and deal with my own issues. I didn't realize they were reflecting my own defects and shortcomings and as much as I would like to think I was so much 'better' than they were, because I no longer drank, I was still walking around in my dis-ease, because I was still wrapped up in the blanket of denial and thinking my stuff didn't stink.

For me 12 Steps are 12 Steps and it is about me and my recovery, no matter what issue I am addressing in today, be it my pain, my codependency and feeling lonely, be it my issues with my son, it all boils down to me surrendering and letting go and letting my God.

It is in the Big Book about being a selfish program and a lot of people get the message mixed up, after all it is a disease of perception. I always try to remember to ask for my own knowingness and my own truth in today and walk accordingly.

As the saying goes, the 12 Steps are a tool that fits any nut that walks through the doors of recovery. That was me, and it was desperation that kept me from 'bolting' back out the door when I got here, using was no longer an option. The Third and Fifth Traditions have kept me coming back. As I told a woman in Al-Anon many years ago, "Al-Anon is why I used in the first place." It was a lot of the old tapes, perception from childhood, and the pain I felt and didn't know how to deal with.

My sponsor use to say, "Fill yourself up and only give away the over flow. We hear things, at least I should say, "I heard things and saw them as a lot of mixed messages. I think it is important that we focus on our own healing before we try helping someone else.

Posted on another site in 2012

In today, because of my health issues I no longer take on sponsees, I will be a temporary one until they can find someone else; but I don't feel that I have the time to give them. So many of my days are turned around, and I have trouble thinking through the pain. When I get on the phone, most times I start losing my voice, when I talk. ;)

It has to begin with me, how can I focus on someone else if I am all wrapped up in myself and my issues.

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So many times we don't get our needs met, because we choose what we are going to accept and reject. How can my God meet my needs, if I close down because I don't like the messenger or the message I am hearing.

So often we look at the Source, forgetting that our God leads us to what we need. What is good for some, is not good for others. What is good for me one day, may not be in my best interest the next day. That is why it is one day at a time.

We have a preconceived idea of what need, what form it should be in, and where it should come from. This is a disease of perception. My best thought got me to the doors of recovery and/or to the doors of a church. Many were raised in a particular religion and feel that is what you need to go back to. It may be so, but I found it was best to go back with a changed attitude.

I was raised in the Gospel Halls, went back there, but found more Spirituality in Associated Gospel. I realized a lot of it was the people, the Gospel remains the same,in most cases, or perhaps gives up a different outlook. Personally, I went there for the music.

I find the teachings of a lot of religions not spiritual in nature. Being raised in the church didn't stop me from becoming an alcoholic, addict, codependent, etc., yet it took a spiritual outlook, to help me stop using, and gave me the freedom from active addiction.

Wherever we go,do we put conditions and boundaries on. Do we truly believe, or are we still role playing because we think it is the thing to do.

At a year sober, after using my Bible for meditation, I found out that I didn't know who God was. I went on a spiritual quest to find out who God was to me. After working the 12 Steps of AA and finding a spiritual solution, I went back to church at 5 years sober. I found I related it to what I heard in the rooms of AA and other fellowships. As my sponsor said, "Religion enhances my Spirituality. My Spirituality enhances my Religious beliefs.

When I take that inner journey, it is important to start by being honest and open to new ways to improving my life and sense of self.

I was told to suit up and show up for the day and start by cleaning up the outside, yet true recovery and cleansing had to come from within. In order for the inner Light to shine, I had to get rid of the darkness.

My sponsor told me that if I wasn't enjoying sobriety, what was I doing wrong. I have been given a new chance at life. The worst day in recovery far exceeds the best day when I was using.


Today I choose to forgive instead of holding on to resentments. Today I choose to let go of all feelings that block me from feeling love. Today I choose to see everyone through the eyes of love.

From Time of Joy

A post I made in response to a member asking how you make people understand about addiction:

So many people are in denial because they don't want to look at themselves. Often people think, well she can't have a problem, I drink, drug, gamble once in a while myself, and if she has a problem, so do I, maybe I should quit. Heaven forbid, I'm not ready to do that, maybe if I convince her/him she is okay, and tell them they are just fine, then we will all be just.....

It is also called justification and rationalization and their feeling of insecurity and the powerlessness that their love isn't enough, that you had to find something outside of yourself. They take it as their own inadequacy and they don't realize they don't have the power to stop us, and it is only through a spiritual program, with one addict helping another, that we identify, we admit, we heal and come to an acceptance of our problems. We learn to live in the solution instead of the problem.

For me, I don't have a drinking and drugging problem, but I still have a thinking problem because of old tapes, old habits, mixed messages and beliefs that have since proven to be false, and have regained my values and my faith, in myself, in God and in others.

So many people consider themselves clean and sober because they are not using their drug of choice. So many people I have found over the years, have used food, gambling, and pot maintenance (now it has been legalized in many areas), not willing to recognize the fact that the substance is but a symptom of our disease, and the problem is me, myself and I, not willing to look at ourselves and always looking outside of ourselves for the almighty fix or that quick fix that makes it all better. The bandage that hides the wound, rather than getting to the root of the problem and allowing it to heal.

Sorry I am a bit slow today. I was given a face mask to supply air to help me not to stop breathing when I am sleeping.

After processing how I feel, I woke with a headache. I hurt all over, and I think I expected some of my pain to be gone. I woke some what rested, and yet all I have wanted to do this morning is go back to my bed.

The machine when she put it on caused the head ache, pains in my chest, and had trouble breathing and they gave me a nasal spray. Don't want to stop breathing, but have been doing that since 2003 when I was last tested.

Trying to give it the benefit of the doubt and hopefully, it will be helpful. I am thinking I would rather wait until I see the lung specialist in August before I commit myself. He is to look at my throat and air ways as to why they are clogged up.

I would appreciate your prayers. Asking for things to be revealed so I can do what is right for me.

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In the back of the Big Book of AA, it says we need to go through a spiritual change of attitude, sufficient to aid recovery. Not sure it is exact, too tired to look it up.

The best way to get an attitude adjustment is to go to a meeting. My spiritual adviser said, "If your thinking is off and your is more self pity and into self, go the the closest hospital and look at the patience in Palliative Care.

What needs to change within me and what action do I need to take to change my attitude.

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The spiritual enlightenment for me was the phrase, "If you have to control it, it is alreadyout of control!"

I had heard this phrase around the rooms for several years and it mean nothing to me. I kept coming, I didn't think I was an alcoholic, but I wanted what the people in the rooms had. I knew I didn't want to go back to where I came from, so I just kept coming.

I thought maybe if just kept coming, some of what you head would rub off onto me. So I came, and said, "Hi, my name is JoAnne, and I am an alcoholic" and was in total rebellion, with the attitude, "I'll say it if I have to, and went through the alcoholic/addict stage. Ironically, I knew I was an addict, and I think it was because I knew the meaning of the word. Or I could relate it to chips, or cookies, and the feeling of more, but couldn't identify the alcoholism. I knew I misused and abused my medication, but it wasn't until many years later that I came to know it as dried-up alcohol.

I came but I did all the wrong things, I compared instead of identifying. I don't like beer, I didn't have black outs, I didn't pass out after so many drink, I could drive the car after drinking all day and night and not get pulled over, I could walk a straight line (my son use to say he looked out the window and saw Mom bringing B**** home). I didn't go to jail, I didn't get tickets, I didn't get cut off at the bar, and the list went on, and on, and on.

After I heard the phrase above, I came to realize "Don't look at what you didn't do, but look at what you did do!"
That was a different story. I decided I would rather be an alcoholic.

It wasn't until God saw fit to give me a dream to let me see how others saw me when I was drinking. I was a first class, manipulating b**ch, who told everyone how to do it, what to do, when to do it, and was aggressive and a loud mouthed person that I wouldn't have wanted for a friend. I had assumed that the reason that people had back away from us because of my ex-husband's drinking, when it truth, it was probably my conroling, manipulating and nagging ways. Now that was a spiritual awakening, and I was two years in the program. I was sober but I can honestly say I didn't have true sobriety until then. Sobriety for me means soundness of mind. You can't have sobriety and be in denial and life of secrets and control. I was continually at war with myself, and often with those around me because I didn't have my own knowingness. I only knew what was told to me, and I had to find my own path and my own truth.

My spiritual advisor said, "You will learn two thing. 1) How to work your program. 2) How not to work your program.

Keep coming, so you won't have to come back.

This may be a rerun, but I know the words, keep coming back, kept me coming so I wouldn't have to go back.

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This was posted in 2004. My son is still using, came by tonight with a whole lot of excuses and sad tales and thinks he is fooling me. I told him that he had to stop bringing his addiction into my space. I set boundaries and he is still ignoring them. At first I realized I like his help, but in today he makes more work and still the adult child who expects mom to make it all better. If I can't make it better, than it is all my fault in the first place.

Feeling sad tonight, but that is okay. It is a feeling and I no longer have to shove those feelings down, I can feel them and let them go.

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This was posted on another site in 2004.

In am still clean and sober ten years later.

It is still a one day at a time program.

Then and now! ;)

Being diabetic, I not only have to look at the sugar and the calories, I have to check the label for chemicals and additives that are not good for me, especially artificial sugar. Diabetic Clinic said it was okay to drink diet cola, and yet health clinics and personal say it is a No! No!

Healthy choices can be as simple as going to bed instead of staying up on the computer. Going for a walk, even if it is down the hall and back. Eating my meals on time, taking my medication on time (difficult with me because of my sleeping disorder) i.e. If I slept 2-4 hours in the afternoon, there is no purpose taking my night medication at 11 p.m., pick up the phone and call your sponsor and if she is not available, then call someone else. Make that personal connection.

Recovery is making healthy choices. Just for today, I choose not to use any mind altering substance to stuff or take me away from who my God would have me be in today.

I choose to laugh and enjoy recovery. I have been given a second chance at life. It is a real gift, why sit in doom and gloom, when you can choose to change you and your attitude.

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Posted in 2009

c. It is easier to say "Let go and let God" than it is to actually do it.

One thing that helped me was not to compare the past with today. Before when I was using, I had to faith and my life was consumed by fear. They say there is no room for faith and fear in the same place and yet there are healthy fears, like picking up will kill me, so it isn't an option.

I have asked for the healing and a lot of the old fears have gone away. i.e. thunder storms, walking over grates and bridges, putting the wrong foot forward or saying the wrong thing.

What comes to mind is " Feel the fear and do it anyway." What God has brought me to, He will see me through."

Fear is a feeling like any other. It is alright to be afraid. My strength and courage today comes from my Higher Power. I just have to remember to take Him with me. Just because certain things happened in the past, doesn't mean it will repeat itself in today. Today is a different case scenario if I stay sober, spiritual connected, and live in the moment and not project my fears into the future, onto others, or use them to beat myself up.

Love the acronyms. Face everything and recovery. Fear everything and run. False evidence appearing real.

We are never alone.

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Easy Does It

Not what we would, but what we must, makes up the sum of living. - Richard Henry Stoddard

"We must do the things we must" is frequent advice in the Program. Each Step is evidence of what our founders did in order to achieve abstinence and keep it going with serenity and security. All of the "musts" implied in the Steps and frequently mentioned throughout the Big Book are also spiritual. We will find the importance of "must" in the favorite quotes from that book.

The Steps aren't based on the theory of "thou shalt not." They are based on the theory that "thou shall." That's why we say "there are no musts" in our Program.

Fortunately, those Twelve Steps we work require positive action. They tell us what we can do in order that each of us can live a joyous, happy, and free existence.

"Must" appears many times in the Big Book, along with a few "absolutes. " This doesn't refer to my requirements for working the Program. It just lets me concentrate on what I can do, not on what I can't.

-------------------------------------------------------

This reminds me of a friend who use to say to me, "The program is suggested." My response was, "They may be suggestions, but there are some darn well betters, or you will go back to where you came from."

1) Go to Meetings
2) Call your sponsor
3) Read the literature
4) Find a Higher Power
5) Work the Steps
6) Learn what the Traditions mean and apply them to your life.
7) Find a Group
8) Get active and do service in your Group
9) Share at meetings and greet newcomers.
10) Finish working the Steps
11) Build a relationship with your Higher Power
12) Build a relationship with Yourself.

If you have one hand in the hand of a newcomer and the other hand in the hand of your Higher Power, you won't have any hands left to pick up.

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When I read this, one thought came to mind. When I get out of the way, God works through me. When I am willing to be a channel of His Blessing, I live my life in today, that when I surrender that direction is there and it is my acceptance and acknowledgement of that good orderly direction, which determines how smoothly my day goes, how well equipped I am to hand today on life's terms, and accepting that God knows what is good for me, more so than my own narrow minded concepts and outlook at myself and others.

So many times I have been grateful that God doesn't think like I do, but I am sure He has thought that He is very grateful His thinking isn't based on my thoughts.

Today He is companion and friend. I have been known to question His actions, yet I have found that He has much more acceptance of me than I have had of Him over the years.

Written in 2011

Every day is about acceptance. I don't have to like it, but I need to find that acceptance if I want to heal and grow.

Lack of acceptance as always caused me pain, depending on how long I fight it. I have to accept my pain, accept the source (lack of acceptance), and accept that I have pray for the willingness to be willing to accept.

This was something I posted in 2010. It maybe posted somewhere else on the board.

I still have to remember to look in the mirror and make things right with me and my God. I watched Sharon Stone share on OWN tonight. She carried a great message. Being yourself is enough.