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Step 12
Step Five
"Admitted
to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of
our wrongs."
All
of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires . .
. they all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps
are harder
to take than Five. But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime
sobriety
and peace of mind than this one. A.A. experience has taught us we
cannot
live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which
cause
or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back
and
forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those
experiences we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong
thinking and action have hurt us and others, then the need to quit
living by ourselves with those tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more
urgent than ever. We have
to talk to somebody about them. So intense, though, is our fear and
reluctance
to do this, that many A.A.'s at first try to bypass Step Five. We
search
for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly
painless
admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then, for
good
measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking
behavior
which our friends probably know about anyhow. But of the things which
really
bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating
memories,
we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain
our
secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with
us.
Yet if A.A.'s experience means anything at all, this is not only
unwise,
but is actually a perilous resolve. Few muddled attitudes have caused
us
more trouble than holding back on Step Five. Some people are unable to
stay
sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean
house.
Even A.A. old timers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping
this
Step. They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much
they
suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how,
unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their
best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying
to conceal. They always discovered that relief never came by confessing
the sins of other people. Everybody had to confess his own. This
practice of admitting one's defects to another person is, of course,
very ancient. It has been validated in
every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually
centered
and truly religious people. But today religion is by no means the sole
advocate
of this saving principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the
deep
need every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his
own
personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding
and
trustworthy person. So far as alcoholics are concerned, A.A. would go
even
further. Most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of
our
defects to another human being we could not stay sober. It seems plain
that
the grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions
until
we are willing to try this. What are we likely to receive from
Step
Five? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of
isolation we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are
tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people
began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we
didn't quite belong. Either we were shy, and dared not draw near
others, or we were apt to be noisy good fellows craving attention and
companionship, but never getting it--at least to our way of thinking.
There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither surmount nor
understand. It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing
that we did not know a single line of our parts. That's one reason we
loved alcohol too well. It did let us act extemporaneously. But even
Bacchus boomeranged on us; we were finally struck down and left in
terrified loneliness. When we reached A.A., and for the first time in
our lives stood among people who seemed to understand, the sense of
belonging was tremendously exciting. We thought the isolation problem
had been solved. But we soon discovered that while we weren't alone any
more in a social sense, we still suffered many of the old pangs of
anxious apartness. Until we had talked with complete candor
of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing,
we
still didn't belong. Step Five was the answer. It was the beginning of
true
kinship with man and God. This vital Step was also the means by which
we
began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what we
had thought or done. Often it was while
working on this Step with our sponsors or spiritual advisers that we
first felt truly able to forgive others, no matter how deeply we felt
they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had persuaded us that
all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we resolutely
tackled Step Five that
we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive forgiveness and give it,
too. Another great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to
another human being is humility--a word often misunderstood. To those
who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of
what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become
what we could be. Therefore, our first practical move toward humility
must consist of recognizing our deficiencies. No
defect can be corrected unless we clearly see what
it is. But we shall have to do more than see. The objective look at
ourselves we achieved in Step Four was, after all, only a look.
All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty and tolerance, that
we were beset at
times by attacks of self-pity or delusions of personal grandeur. But
while
this was a humiliating experience, it didn't necessarily mean that we
had
yet acquired much actual humility. Though now recognized, our defects
were
still there. Something had to be done about them. And we soon found
that
we could not wish or will them away by ourselves. More realism and
therefore
more honesty about ourselves are the great gains we make under the
influence
of Step Five. As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much
trouble
self-delusion had been causing us. This had brought a disturbing
reflection.
If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves, how could we now
be
so sure that we weren't still self-deceived? How could we be certain
that
we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really admitted them,
even
to ourselves? because we were still bothered by fear, self-pity,
and
hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn't appraise ourselves fairly at
all.
Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and exaggerate
our
shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen under
which
we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them.
Possibly,
too, we were still handicapped by many liabilities, great and small, we
never
knew we had. Hence it was most evident that a solitary self-appraisal,
and
the admission of our defects based upon that alone, wouldn't be nearly
enough.
We'd have to have outside help if we were surely to know and admit the
truth
about ourselves--the help of God and another human being. Only by
discussing
ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice
and
accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking,
solid
honesty, and genuine humility. Yet many of us still hung back. We said,
"Why
can't `God as we understand Him' tell us where we are astray? If the
Creator
gave us our lives in the first place, then He must know in every detail
where
we have since gone wrong. Why don't we make our admissions to Him
directly?
Why do we need to bring anyone else into this?" At this stage, the
difficulties
of trying to deal rightly with God by ourselves are twofold. Though we
may
at first be startled to realize that God knows all about us, we are apt
to
get used to that quite quickly. Somehow, being alone with God doesn't
seem
as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit
down
and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to
clean
house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another
person,
it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God. The
second
difficulty is this: what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own
rationalization and wishful thinking. The benefit of talking to another
person is that we can get his direct comment and counsel on our
situation, and there can be no doubt in our minds what that advice is.
Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times have
we heard well-intentioned people claim
the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were sorely
mistaken. Lacking both practice and humility, they had deluded
themselves and were
able to justify the most arrant nonsense on the ground that this was
what
God had told them. It is worth noting that people of very high
spiritual
development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual
advisers
the guidance they feel they have received from God. Surely, then, a
novice
ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps
tragic,
blunders in this fashion. While the comment or advice of others may be
by
no means infallible, it is likely to be far more specific than any
direct
guidance we may receive while we are still so inexperienced in
establishing
contact with a Power greater than ourselves. Our next problem will be
to
discover the person in whom we are to confide. Here we ought to take
much
care, remembering that prudence is a virtue which carries a high
rating.
Perhaps we shall need to share with this person facts about ourselves
which
no others ought to know. We shall want to speak with someone who is
experienced,
who not only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious
difficulties.
Difficulties, perhaps, like our own. This person may turn out to be
one's
sponsor, but not necessarily so. If you have developed a high
confidence
in him, and his temperament and problems are close to your own, then
such
a choice will be good. Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage
of
knowing something about your case. Perhaps, though, your relation to
him
is such that you -would care to reveal only a part of your story. If
this
is the situation, by all means do so, for you ought to make a beginning
as
soon as you can. It may turn out, however, that you'll choose someone
else
for the more difficult and deeper revelations. This individual may be
entirely
outside of A.A.--for example, your clergyman or your doctor. For some
of
us, a complete stranger may prove the best bet. The real tests of the
situation
are your own willingness to confide and your full confidence in the one
with
whom you share your first accurate self-survey. Even when you've found
the
person, it frequently takes great resolution to approach him or her. No
one
ought to say the A.A. program requires no willpower; here is one place
you
may require all you've got. Happily, though, the chances are that you
will
be in for a very pleasant surprise. When your mission is carefully
explained,
and it is seen by the recipient of your confidence how helpful he can
really
be, the conversation will start easily and will soon become eager.
Before
long, your listener may well tell a story or two about himself which
will
place you even more at ease. Provided you hold back nothing, your sense
of
relief will mount from minute to minute. The dammed-up emotions of
years
break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they
are
exposed. As the pain subsides, a healing tranquillity takes its
place.
And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else of great
moment
is apt to occur. Many an A.A., once agnostic or atheistic, tells us
that
it was during this stage of Step Five that he first actually felt the
presence
of God. And even those who had faith already often become conscious of
God
as they never were before. This feeling of being at one with God and
man,
this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our
terrible
burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare
ourselves
for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.
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Step 12